Access to Sons

[maggiemoo]

Im hoping someone may be able to help us with how to deal with ex-wife and give us some pointers on what to do next.
My DH has 2 boys 13 & 14. Access is thru court orders and it has been that way for over 7 years now and has worked well until DH moved in with me at Xmas. This is where it gets confusing. Even though DH & I have been married for 6 years, we have lived apart as it was easier for his kids and us as a blended family. Now we are all living back together and it was working fine until the 14 yo decides he couldnt be bothered catching a bus for 30 minutes from our house to go to school or see his mates. ExWife has now jumped on the bandwagon and is supporting the 14yo refusing to let him come over. We believe exwifes motive is purely $$$, as DH is on the cusp of max nights and just having the boys miss a few nights will send our payments to the CSA up to over $1000 a month (which is what the witch is wanting so she doesnt have to work).
Has anyone been in this situation? Do we need to get a lawyer involved? What we are really conscience of is forcing this boy to come stay with us when he doesnt want to and turning the relationship sour between him and DH & I.
DH is hurting so much inside because of this but the son couldnt give a sh*t.

[YMo7]

hey - just a quick note ....

i think you need a solicitor and an independent chidren's lawyer will probably be called in too so that the child's needs are met as well.

good luck! :yelclap:

[HunterzMummy]

It may seem as though he does not give a S#*$ but he is 14 and no 14yr old wants to be with there parents if you know what i mean. Tell DH not to take it to heart he is just being a typical teenager unfortunately.

Once the order has been made..it cant be changed just by one wanting something thats not stated on the order..If you want to re evaluate the order i would go to mediation to see if you can sought it out.

However a mother can be very manipulative of a child regardless the age..so yes she mite have a big say in his decision.

I know its tough but chin up hun :hugs::hugs:

I would suggest speaking with legal aid or a lawyer to get some advice and knowing all your options.. best of luck :hugs:

[Teley]

We believe exwifes motive is purely $$$, as DH is on the cusp of max nights and just having the boys miss a few nights will send our payments to the CSA up to over $1000 a month (which is what the witch is wanting so she doesnt have to work).
What gives you the right to just call her that?

DH is hurting so much inside because of this but the son couldnt give a sh*t.
Welcome to raising a teenager, don't blame the other parent.
Actually, 14 is a purely old age by now, he isn't controlled by his mother or father that much, if he doesn't want to see someone, he doesn't want to see someone. It's not the case where the child is 4 and you can say, here, have a lolly and stay with me. He may be acting a bit rash due to his age, but nothing's really going to stop him.

[InSaneOne]

we stopped working out how many nights we have the kids and started to go by when they want to come - if that means we get less nights or more nights then so be it. the money is nice while we pay less - and beth loves seeing her siblings (even tho they drove me crazy on school holidays - but what teenagers don't) we don't force them to come if they don't want to. it makes them grumpy and badly behaved. instead try and sweeten the deal for them - maybe suggest you could drive them to a mates place or drop them at a central location for them to meet up. or even take them to school. just sutle bribery that makes your place a bit sweeter for them. kids at 14 are very much into what can i get for this. if you want them to do it your way and spend more time at your place then bribe them in a way that is not to obvious to the ex.

[WorkingClassMum]

has Dad sat down and spoken to his son to find put why?

the boy is 14, he just might not want to

making him will surely cause resentment

maybe the witch is being a good mum and listening to what her son wants (especially as it appears to suit her)

push the boy too much now and you'll lose more than money

I'd also consider the "sweetner" as put up by another post

I wouldn't want to catch the bus 30 minutes both way as well if Mum's house is much closer. Is it to hard to drop him off and pick him up?

[OJandMe]

I know when I was growing up there were times when I wanted nothing to do with Mum and times when I wanted nothing to do with Dad.

He's 14... I don't think it's his mother that has anything to do with it... I think it's just the 14yr old, being a 14yr old.

Don't force him, just enjoy the times he is there, make the time to do things with him that he likes, be supportive of his interests, and he'll WANT to come.

It's just typical teenage behaviour.

[dreamtobeamummy]

im not sure if this is correct information.. so dont take offence or anything to it.. But my FSIL (in perth) and her new fiance (he is a father of 2 to someone else) they are having troubles with him getting full custody of son (long story)... He was told by someone up high that at the age of 11, the child has every right to make their own decision about seeing the other parent or living with mum or dad.. Unfourtuantly and i agree that is way to young! an 11 year old is still a child!

Good luck though in what ever path you take! :)

[pegasus]

push the boy too much now and you'll lose more than money



I agree with this.

We have a similar situation to Billieand Beth. We now let the kids decide when they want to come.

After 10years of toing and froing, we had to let them take a lead.

I do disagree with the poster who said that a 14year old is not controlled by either their mother or their father. There is still a lot of influence that parents have over their children at that age. Unfortunately, the biomum of my stepkids agrees with the statement and therefore the kids are pretty much allowed to go out with who they please and whereever they please. She then gets shocked when the police turn up on her doorstep about my step daughter assaulting someone, or finds out she's been drinking.

We try to have a positive influence when we do see the kids, but unfortunately it's not as regularly as it used to be, so the degree of our influence is nowhere near as much as the mother's.

At the end of the day, we had to start letting some of it go, and hope the children will see the bigger picture as they grow older

Step parenting is a hard slog - and I couldn't tell you whether it's harder now (the kids are 12 and 14) and we see them less, have less control over guiding them through life, or when they were younger and their mother abused us more.

Sadly, we are now counting down the years till maintenance is decreased, then ceased, as that's only just over 3 and 5 years away, and after paying 11years of maintenance and not having much say in the children's lives, the extra money at that time will assist our children greatly.

[mythreelittlemonkeys]

:yelclap: another brilliant response Pegasus
My DD is now 10 and still really loves coming to us...but I can see in the future it may become she doesnt want to miss out on her friends etc at the weekend...we live other side of Perth...I also agree that the mum will still have an influence on the 14 year old, and MyBeautifulRussia I am sure the OP prob has a reason for referring to the other side like that and for feeling it may be a monetary issue slightly too...we have already been threatened that come july and the new changes we may seeing the kids less so she doesnt lose her csupport (no thought to how the kids will feel not seeing their dad or sister regularly)...although I am learning as a newish stepmum of 4 years to try and rise above letting the ex upset me...
I hope that you can resolve this as easily as possible and that the 14 year old comes round, maybe you could offer up a lift to see friends one of the days he is with you? or drive him to school? :hugs:

[tens2many]

I feel for your dh very much an I dont think there is ever a correct answer I have lost faith as when my 2 older kids were 12 they asked if they could live with their dad an I agreed after all they didnt chose to be part of a divorced family an they had the guts to speak up an I didnt want them to resent me,I figured let them go no fights no solicitors and when they were older they would really respect me,my decision an for not making them feel guilty for chosing their dad.How wrong was I instead they have turned on me believing I dumped them an no longer care.I have remarried and got on with my life I work a 7day a wk business an no longer feel part of their day to day life for 6yrs I have text them every 2nd day and paid for them to visit every school hols(during these visits I spoilt them rotten playstations,jewlery,clothes,holidays ect to try an make up for not being able to cook an care for them) but they believe I dont care because I cannot phone there is a certain emotional connection you lose an in order to survive an get thru each day I have to kinda act like they have moved into their own flat.Now at 18 an 15 they have decided not to see me anymore an have cut all ties even from their siblings.
My only hope is that they eventually see how difficult it was to set them free with the risk of sounding like a drama queen letting them go was exactly like greiving for a loved one.

Sorry its so long an no real answer just a different side of the story for you.

[maggiemoo]

Wow, Im quite overwhelmed by the support (and at times non- supoport). It seems as though this problem is common and I thankyou all for your experiences and suggestions. I guess there is no right or wrong. I dont agree that a child/teenager can decide what is best for them and their families, I guess that is why the law makes them an adult at 18 instead of 14. I understand that a judge will listen to a child's wishes if they are over 12 however that is very different to a child just not being bothered to get on a bus out of laziness.
I agree in concept of the kids voicing their preferences and the parents listening and working it out but in our circumstances, they are being manipulated by their mother to not come at all. We have seen this in the past and it boils down to money. We are struggling financially and are doing the best we can, when it comes to money grabs from the ex -it infuriates us. All we want is for the boys to be part of our family. We just cant understand how a mother would prefer cash over her boys having a loving relationship with their dad.
When possible, I drive them school. It takes longer - over 2 hours there and back for me - compared to a 30 minute bus ride for them due to the bus lanes- but I do it when I can. And they only have to endure this bus ride 4 times one way a fortnight. With both of us working full time, it just isnt feasible to pick them up and drop them off and to be honest, 30 minutes on a bus is nothing. I know kids who travel an hour each way to get to school.
We also leave our house open for all their friends to come and stay. We drive them everywhere, pick them up, drop them off, take them on holidays with us. Its not as though we are doing nothing to make this work - we are doing all we can.
I guess if they dont show up tomorrow, we will seek legal advice. Doesnt really help poor DH's heart from ripping out of his chest though.

I feel for you tens2many. You have tried to do the right thing and it turned on you. I dont understand kids these days, they seem to forget what they asked for and blame parents for giving it to them. Hopefully they will wake up and see it how it really was.

[Rachael]

Is there any chance you could shift closer to their school & friends?

I know I hate buses and do everything in my power to avoid using them.

I know from experience that it is normally the children that no longer want to stay and the parent has little to do with the decision. My parents divorced when Iwas young and I was forever going back and forth and I for reasons that need not be mentioned chose to never see my bio father again at the age of approx 16/17 and I never regret it. Two reasons that I will mention are one he was always badmouthing mum and my step dad and two he was always nagging me to see him more.

I hope things work out well for you all but in the end 14 years is old enough to make your own decision about who you wish to see and don't wish to see.

If it is really only the travel that makes the son not want to stay then shift closer :)

[HunterzMummy]

I dont think its fair to ask them to uproot there lifes. The manipulation is not going to stop just because of location...she will surely find another way... They have established there work life, the childrens schooling etc. Also i dont think its wise to move closer to the X. I sure know i would not as it would create problems in our marriage and everything. You have to look at the bigger picture..

Sweets you are doing the best you can and from what i can see you are doing a darn good job :yes:

Dont listen to the ppl in here who are critical, insensitive and not supportive. They dont know the full situation, and can be harsh with there unwanted nasty opinions, like many of us have experienced. So head up cause you have all the support in the world from me and some of the others :hugs:

[maggiemoo]

Oh man..we have tried everything. We have been married for 6 years now. We tried living together as a fam the first year but the differences in parenting, discipline and the wild things the ex was throwing at me was just too much. So...for the kids sake, we then lived apart - still married but rented a unit near where the kids live, just for the kids. That wasnt a problem for the ex or the kids but it did put strains on our marriage not to mention our finances keeping two households running - ITS BLOODY EXPENSIVE and to then pay CSA ontop and all the other "please dad can I haves.." - sheesh.
I have a son of my own who lives with me most of the time. We toyed with the idea of moving closer to DHs boys but it would have been extremely unfair to ask my son to travel the distance twice a day every week day when the other option was for DHs boys to travel it only 4 times out of 14. Not only that, but my son would have had to change schools, find new friends and move further away from his dad. It just didnt make any sense to do that - very unfair when it just comes down to a stupid 30 minute ride on a bus - seriously! Its not that much to ask.
Thanks for your kind words HuntersMum, your right saying to ignore the critical. And thankyou for your support and listening.
In the end, I just hope that the boys see how unreasonable and hurtful they are being to their dad.