Am I expecting too much??

[BelindaBB]

I have a 2 week old and she is my first so I feel like everything I am doing is wrong, please help.

I cannot settle her after a feed without her wanting me to cuddle her to sleep. Whenever I try to put her down while she is still awake, she cries so long and hard that I just cannot leave her there and therefore I am making this problem worse.

I was awake from 1am to 5am this morning and at the end of my tether. I know she is still so young and I may not be creating bad habits yet but does anyone have any suggestions that may help settle her.

Any advice is much appreciated.:o

Belinda:confused:

[poshBecks]

At 2 weeks old she needs to feel safe. It is completely normal for the bubbies to want to be cuddled to sleep. When the midwifes tell you to let them self settle at this young age it's a load of crock & almost impossible!! Just cuddle your bub when she needs it!!

As she gets older.. like 3 or 4 months maybe try & teach her to self settle a bit!! Mind you Enjoy the cuddles while they last... baby hood just goes far toio quickly

BTW you are doing a great job!! :hugs:

[Chickadee]

At that young age she's unlikely to want to sleep without being cuddled. But, you could try some things to take the pressure off you. Slings are good and free up your hands. Some bubs settle well in bouncers that you can put on the floor and tap with your foot to give them a bit of motion and help them sleep. Try putting her in her pram and take her for a slightly bumpy walk, or roll the front wheels back and forth over the edge of a carpet (one woman I know rolled it over one of her sandals if they were out somewhere). My DD loved her automatic swing. Any of those would be good to try during the day. At night cuddling is probably going to get you back into your own bed the fastest.

[samuelboy]

Hi BelindaBB

I agree with everything Becca-Rae has said, it's normal for your baby to want to be cuddled. I didn't even try to get my bub to self settle until he was probably about six months, the few times I did try it just stressed us both out and I always ended up cuddling and rocking him to sleep anyway.

It really does go by so quickly, don't be so hard on yourself everyone feels a bit lost when they first come home.

[Mrs Little]

Do you have a feed wake sleep routine? At night (say after 7 feed) it should just be a feed and then straight to sleep.

You can settle the baby anyway you would prefer. At this age i don't think things can become too much of a habit that they rely on.

You are a great mum......keep doing the best you can!:thumbsup:

Mrs Little & Son.

[elissas]

The average age for bubs to learn to self-settle is about 12 weeks. So any time up to when she learns this skill she will need some help. She may learn it earlier (my DS did at about 9-10 weeks), but it might even be later.

My advice to you is to relax. Babies pick up on what we're feeling, however subtle that feeling might be. So if we're stressed they pick up on that and it feeds their stress. If you relax and accept the cuddles without feeling worried or that it's wrong, you may well find that she settles a lot quicker. :D

I found that with DS when he needed to have a sook (you know, the cry for no apparent reason). At first I tried to stop him crying and settle him, and he must have picked up on my resistance - which made it worse and prolonged it. Once I accepted that they usually know best - and that bubs feel emotions too and might just need to express their feelings and stresses the only way they really know how. I just held him close to me and let him get it off his chest while he could feel my heartbeat. The crying then stopped after a couple of minutes.

Hope this helps! Sounds like your doing a great job - committed to making your little girl's introduction to the world as gentle and safe as possible. :yelclap:

[BelindaBB]

Thanks guys, you have all made me feel human again. I was starting to feel so down about it (which is pretty easy when you are living on minimal sleep).

I am trying to get a routine in place but as most of you mentioned it is probably even too early for that.

I will just play it by ear and hope for the best.

Thanks again, I really appreciate the advice.

Belinda:)

[wattle]

It sounds like you're doing a wonderful job, and we're all here for you any time you need us.

See if your partner can look after bub while you have a bit of unwind time - a hot bath or listen to some quiet music with headphones. Bub will pick up on your anxiety so calm time for you is a gift for her too. A shoulder massage is good too, or even just a cup of chamomile tea.

Does your partner help with rocking/settling? I used to breastfeed then hand ds over to my hubby for settling. It worked well for us mostly (but there's just times when nothing seems to work!)

Other suggestions that worked for us - bathing just before bed, bouncing on a swiss ball whilst holding bub, a rocker, putting ds to sleep beside the dishwasher. Sometimes we'd run a short cycle even though there were no dirty dishes, the sound soothed him.

[Jamily]

Hi Belinda

I did all the things that you 'shouldn't do' - I cuddled, breastfed, rocked, shh'ed and patted Emily. I was terrified that I was doing the wrong thing and getting into 'bad habits' but I couldn't ignore my instincts which were to comfort my crying and distressed bub. Somewhere along the line (when she was ready I suspect) Emily learnt how to fall asleep by herself and she now sleeps 12 hours a night and requires no settling when I put her down for naps or sleeping at night - I put her into bed, kiss her and walk out the room. I really regret feeling so stressed and obsessed with her self-settling. I know its really hard esp as you are sooo tired but just do what works for you and enjoy your beautiful girl. I am sorry I have no advice as such, but wanted to let you know that you can do all the 'bad' things and still have a fabulous little sleeper in the end.

[Baby Girl]

In my experience I have found doing all the "wrong" things made my girls the great sleepers they are today!! I was always with them when they fell asleep and until they went into their own room at about 6 months I was the first thing they saw when they woke up. I cuddled, rocked, fed, patted, paced, sshhh'd, you name it!! Both of them weaned themselves of me putting them to sleep when they were ready.

DD1 was about 15 months when she started to self settle (her choice) and now she is 3 is quite happy to say goodnight and then put herself to bed (I go in 5 minutes later to tuck her in and Dad goes ina fter that to say Goodnight and read her a book if she is still awake.

DD2 was about 6 weeks and was quite happy to be put down on her own but I would sit beside her until she actually fell asleep until she was about 12 weeks. If I didn't she would cry to sleep but then would be restless and unsettled and wouldn't sleep as long as if she went to sleep calmly. And besides that I hated hearing my babies cry. She is now 8 months and I put her in her cot, tuck her in and she is asleep within minutes.

Your bub will learn to self settle in her own time. At 2 weeks old they need to be held and feel safe - remember she spent 9 months all snuggled up and warm inside you, being out in this big open world can be a bit scary. Just one other thought, do you wrap her to go to sleep, I found this helped my girls feel snug and cuddled without me actually holding them.

[LittleBoysRock]

At that young age she's unlikely to want to sleep without being cuddled. But, you could try some things to take the pressure off you. Slings are good and free up your hands. Some bubs settle well in bouncers that you can put on the floor and tap with your foot to give them a bit of motion and help them sleep. Try putting her in her pram and take her for a slightly bumpy walk, or roll the front wheels back and forth over the edge of a carpet (one woman I know rolled it over one of her sandals if they were out somewhere). My DD loved her automatic swing. Any of those would be good to try during the day. At night cuddling is probably going to get you back into your own bed the fastest.

I am with you MarthaM, slings are great. That is what kept me sane for the first 6 weeks of DS's life!!

Goodluck. :D

[1stbaby]

I so hear you Belinda. I had the same thing when my bubs was your bubs age. He's a bit older now and it has got much better. I remember being up from 12am to 4am once and i was crying because I just hadn't got enough sleep. Luckily my mum was staying and she took him into her room and settled him while i got some sleep. But it was a real struggle. Somewhere round the 5 week mark(hard to remember now) he settled down and he even started sleeping 6 hour stints. He is nearly 10 weeks and he has been known to sleep from 7.00 to 7.00 and just get up for feeds but the usual pattern is that he goes to bed at 9.30(it still takes ages to rock him to sleep) but he only wakes for feeds and is only too happy to go back to sleep again.
Things that helped me are: swaddling, rocking, holding him and sitting and bouncing on the bed and walking around with him and the best one...breast feeding...he often falls asleep while feeding. If I put him in his bed and he looks like he is going to wake up, I pat him really softly on his chest and that usually gets him off to sleep. I know its all wrong according to the experts but I just think whatever works. :fingerscrossed:

[BelindaBB]

Thanks to everyone that has replied with great suggestions. Yes I do have a wonderful partner that helps with settling.

I really appreciate the time you taken to respond to my thread.

Cheers for now.

Belinda

[Rell]

I agree with what the other have said about your little bub being so young and the self settling will come later. I just wanted to add that I found wrapping both my kids a really BIG help. Make sure you get some sleep when your baby is sleeping, other things can always wait.
good luck i hope you start getting more sleep soon:hugs:

[JE's Mum]

Don't worry too much about it. Your bub is still so little and you can enjoy the cuddles together.

I am with Scmell on this one. Babies will begin self settle when they are ready.

Self settling is the latest in a long line of 'shoulds' promoted by the experts. My little one is 12 months and still won't self settle. I have made many efforts during his life and he has not been receptive no matter how consistent I was or how long I persisted. Sure, I always stopped short of strict control crying techniques because it went against my instincts with him. I wasted so much energy and tears over the last year wondering why my little boy wouldn't do what he 'should' be doing.

If there is anything I have learnt its that if your baby is receptive to settling techniques it might work and if your baby isn't it WON'T, no matter what the nurses say. Whenever I sought advice from the experts all they ever suggested were harsher and harsher methods rather than saying, well if he only responds to being held, so be it.

Little babies weren't meant to be self soothers. You will not create a bad habit by cuddling them. Bad habits imply you can spoil them and you can't.

The experts are too obsessed about sleep and settling at the moment. Its the latest fad. Remember ir wasn't that long ago the experts used to say formula was best for baby or that solids should be started at 2 or 3 months. They're not always right (infact one wonders if they ever are!).

It might not feel like it now, but you are the only expert on you baby. You are Mum after all. Go with your instincts.