How do you "Out-Grow" Your own mother?

[SassyMummy]

The title might be a bit confusing, but what I want to know is: How can my mother start seeing me as a "child" and start seeing me as an adult and mother?

I am 20, DD is 7.5months, and I live with my mother (who's 46...if that makes any sort of difference to anyone).

A lot of the time, I find myself "obeying" her in regards to "what to do" with my daughter. Mum will say, "It's cold - you should put socks on her". Without even thinking, I just say, "Okay" and do it. Sometimes her suggestions are valid, but sometimes they are just silly things that I have found another solution to anyway.

I even get told what she should wear in public, how often I should give her the dummy and whatnot...and I get really angry that I just go ahead and do whatever she says.

I think that perhaps the reason I do this, is because I'm young and used to be being "the child". Now that I have a child of my own, however, I don't want to be under her control anymore...though it is her house, so if she tells me to tidy up stuff I'll do it (even if I don't think it's messy - she's super clean!) and that's fine. It's just in regards to DD that annoys me.

DD has started to cry for no reason other than to get her own way...and I don't want her to think she'll always get whatever she wants as a result of crying, so I just ignore her occassionally. Tonight she crawled up the hallway and wanted to get into the bathroom...so I moved her and closed the door. She started bawling and even had a tantrum on the floor (banging her feet and hands like an older child would do!). I kind of giggled quietly and told her that she didn't need to cry and then walked back out to the lounge.

DD crawled up the hallway towards the lounge a bit, still wailing. I said to Mum, "She's just trying to get her own way - just ignore her." Mum leant down and said, "Hey...hey...what's wrong? No need for all those tears..." etc etc. She had completely ignored me!

Later on, she wailed again, so Mum gave her something to play with - a newspaper rolled in plastic. When I noticed she'd started to chew on the plastic, I took it off of her so she wouldn't choke on it. When DD had a bit of a cry again, Mum handed her a bangle that she loves to play with.

I am kind of angry that my mother is undermining my parenting with her own...and telling me what to do, or ignoring what I ask her to do in regards to DD. I know she doesn't mean to interfere - so I don't want to start up an arguement (once I yelled at her for it, and I think she was quite hurt) or even really TALK to her about it... I just want her to see ME as the parent, and see ME as an adult who is fully capable of raising a baby (because IMO, I am).

Any ideas?

[Baby Girl]

She will always see you as her child unless you make yourself her equal at least. It is even harder in your situation (living with her) but you need to sit down and tell her exactly what you posted here. How you feel and why you just "go with the flow" and how that makes you feel. If you don't talk (not yell) to her about it, how will she know and how will anything change. It is a 2-way street though and you need to keep your cool with her and if she does something you don't want her to with your DD then calmly tell her you would prefer she didn't do it and remind her that you have asked before, if you can try and stop her before she does it. Nanas love to give their grandchildren everything they want but maybe you need to set some rules about when you are present you are the boss and when you aren't around she can spoil her like she wants to (maybe a bit extreme but you get the idea????)

[KiLLaKaZ]

i had to laugh when i read this - my mum's the same! tho i haven't had my baby yet, she has been telling me what to do in other areas of my life before AND after i got married!! i have learnt to ignore her tho, or tell her i'm not interested in what she has to say (she's often quite negative, so i shut her down immediately if she is!)

it must be tough living with her tho - it's harder to escape her suggestions! ;) schmell has some good advice, just let her know you are the parent & need to make your own decisions & learn from yourself from any mistakes. also mention that if you need advice you will gladly see her for help!

as she is the grandmother, she will spoil the child (it's her job!), but since she's there all the time, perhaps let her know that it's not acceptable to constantly spoil her as you don't want bubs to turn out a spoilt brat??

[rynosmum]

I agree that it may be hard to prove to your Mum that you are all grown up when you are still living with her. Especially if she is still doing the majority of the cooking, cleaning, washing or bill paying.

She has obviously been so involved with your Bub's life that she's also still feeling somewhat responsible for bub's happiness. She may not be meaning to do it and is probably just trying to help.

That said, my Mum will be the same when we visit with my little one until I say "Mum please, I dont want her to have that/do that/go there". They love their grandchildren but you may have to prove to her that you are more self-sufficient before she realises that you are all gown up IYKWIM.

Best of Luck !:)

[ButterflyKisses]

good luck - I'm 44 and my mum still sees me as "her baby".

she's a mum and always will be no matter how old we are. It wasn't until I had a child of my own that I understood a lot of things about my mum.

I don't know much about your story but from what I can gather you are not living with the father of your DD. Perhaps your mum other than being a mum to you is trying to be the role that a father would be with your daughter by helping you out so much.

I can understand your frustration because she's your DD and you want to raise her your way but until you are out from under your mum's roof your mum will always want to help out with the raising of your daughter which unfortunately includes "spoiling" her. Like someone else said "that's a grandmother's job".

My mum use to rouse on us (by these days standards of what kids get up to) for what we considered fairly minor misbehaviour. My DS is not what I would consider a naughty child and hardly ever gets into trouble (naughty corner 5 times so far which I consider very good for someone who'll be 3 in June) but things that I now consider naughty my mum lets him get away with. Parents are always tougher on their own children than what they are on their grandchildren.

I'm lucky as my mum doesn't tell me what to do with my DS as she thinks we are doing an excellent job without her help but having said that we don't live under her roof and we live in different states.

My suggestion is to have a chat with your mum without it turning into a cat fight and tell her that you appreciate everything that she does but as mothering is new to you that you need to stand on your own two feet with your DD and need to experience being a mum and that from time to time you will ask for her advice on matters that you don't know the answer to.

Don't burn your bridges too quickly with your mum because sooner or later you are going to need her to babysit for you or you may return to work and need her. Be gentle with her - she loves your DD too and only wants the best for you both and it would be very hard for her to see your DD crying and not run to help out. I know what it's like at Playgroup when you hear someone else's child crying whether they are hurt or are just throwing a maddie you instinctively sit up and pay attention and go to that child if there mum is not nearby. It may not be what that child's mother wants you to do especially if the child is throwing a maddie but it's instinctive in us mothers.

good luck

[Puk]

I think your post was so well written and easily understandable that i think you should print it out and show it to her, or at least write something similar down as if it's a diary entry or something (if she will get upset that you're talking about it on a forum).
Perhaps she just doesn't understand how you feel. Or maybe you could say things to her when you notice her doing it, like if she's handing your daughter a toy when she's crying just say "don't give her that mum" and take it off her!
I think it must be hard for mum's to let go of their children, she probably thinks she's doing the best thing for you and doesn't realise how frustrating it is for you. :)

[razzle]

Your mum will always see you as her little girl - mine still does!

But until you stand up for yourself and your daughter as a mother then she'll never treat you as an equal. What have you done to make her think otherwise?

[MariaO]

As the other ladies have said, no matter what age you get to, you are always your mother's little girl.

The fact that you are living in her house is probably adding to matters.

I would talk to her about it calmly and let her know how you feel. If you get angry it will just reinforce your role as the child in your child/parent relationship.

good luck - I am sure that you will sort it out.

[Veritas]

I know how suffocating parents, and in my case grandparents can be.... I myself am living with my grandparents for a few mths so that I can save $$$ before my little bundle arrives.... they are constantly trying to tell me what to do, etc, and I know they mean well, but I have made it very clear to them that I am an adult who is capable of looking after herself....

I will definitely be moving into my own space prior to the arrival of bubs, so I don't have the problems you are encountering.... I have some very clear ideas of how I want to parent my child, which don't necessary fit with the ways of my mother or grandparents... and I'd find it hard for them to respect this whilst living under their roof...

I am lucky that I have already had encounters with my mother over other areas of my life, and by moving out when I was younger and in a way "proving myself" to be a sulf-sufficient independent and capable adult, she does not challenge me as a child anymore but more as an equal.... I am hoping that she will respect this too when it comes to the arrival of the little one...

[Ana Gram]

Yup she is always going to see you as her child because you are! There is no way of changing that. And I am afraid you will probably have to put up with it until you leave home. I'm pretty lucky as my mum pretty much agrees with every parenting move I make, since she has been there before (DD is a carbon copy of me). DP is the one who usually doesn't listen and makes things worse, it's so bad that I sometimes think I have two children!

[SassyMummy]

Thanks ladies!

Just wanted to add a few bits of info about the situation so it makes more sense:

*DD's father is my partner, only we don't live together full time. Not because we don't want to - just because he works horrid hours (10am-10pm) and works about an hour away from my home. He stays at my house 3-4 nights a week, but stays at his other home when he can't get back (he uses the train to get to work because parking is SO expensive in the city).

*I WANT to move out, but it's pretty difficult to find a place. Neither of us indulge in bad habits (smoking/drinking etc), so we can afford to move out together...it's just hard to find a place that will accept us...considering neither of us have ever had a lease in our name (I pay rent...and so does he...but we're not on a lease).

*My mother does a lot of the cleaning, but I help out and I cook meals (my mother hardly eats so I have to cook for myself at least). I pay rent and I help out when the bills are expensive. I buy my own shopping and clean up after myself. We're pretty much living as room-mates, financially (though she is on the lease and I'm not...and she pays for the majority of the bills). So yeah, she pays for more than I do...but I still pay up too.

*She works full-time so she's not around all of the time...during the day it's "my house" in a sense.

She IS a lovely mother, and I'm grateful to her for helping me out (by letting me live here!)...it's just that I need to somehow stop just saying "yes mum" to her every word. And i need to be more assertive (since I've become a mother I seem more sensitive to everyone's feelings which is kind of getting in the way because it makes it harder for me to speak up! lol).

again, thanks for the replies!

[KiLLaKaZ]

in regards to getting out of the habit of complying with anything your mum says: i read somewhere that the best way to assert yourself is practice different scenarios & think of different responses to say 'no'. if you have someone to practice with, get them to try & convince you to change your mind & then your job is to stick with your "no" response. i think often a mum just wants to feel needed, so you will somehow need to make sure you let your mum knows that you do appreciate her help & input, but you want to try things your way ;)