is it alot to ask to jsut be asked?

[musicalmummy]

i know i am going to sound a bit selfish here, so please forgive me.
DP's ex said it was meant to be our weekend with the kids this long weekend, which she was wrong about. she bi*#^ed and carried on about it, then we found out the reason being is that she has guests coming and wants to go out. DP said thats ok, we wil have DSD9 for a sleep over so you can go out. we got a text from her last night stating we will have DSD9 friday and saturady night. i don't know what is meant to be happening during the day on saturday as DP has agreed to work over time for his boss. i asked him what was going to be happenign with DSD and he just says, o i dunno. now is it too selfish of me to jsut want him to say is it ok for you to change your plans to look after her, or is it jsut part and parcel of taking on step children??i just don't know anymore, it's such a fine line. some people say wel when you take on a man with kids you take them on too, which is fair, but in teh next breath it's o but you should never ever discipline them you should only be their friend...which when you are left with your step child every day while dp is at work what are you meant to do, ignore bad behaviour?
refer to dinner discipline post.....i am expected to look after her while he goes to work, but the moment i treat her as though she is my own (in regards to house rules) i get in trouble.
i am so confused and i dont' know where to go to get things clear in my head.

[DivinelySophistimicated]

Hrmm, Its not fair that the mother has dumped her daughter on youf or the sake of going out.

I say you should drop DSD home on Saturday. You had her for one night, thats fair isnt it??

Otherwise im sorry hun but Yes you took on step children and your husband is going to work to support you and the children so the least you could do is look after YOUR step child.

[musicalmummy]

Hrmm, Its not fair that the mother has dumped her daughter on youf or the sake of going out.

I say you should drop DSD home on Saturday. You had her for one night, thats fair isnt it??

Otherwise im sorry hun but Yes you took on step children and your husband is going to work to support you and the children so the least you could do is look after YOUR step child.

good idea!!

sorry i should clear up what i mean. i know with him came the kids, and thats fine, its more the line of how far can you discipline, as in yes i look after them so he can support us, but am i allowed to tell her what to and not to do. i would never ever ever physically discipline, and hope that i wouldn't have to with my own child. with my DSD its more i give her choices and consequences. she listens to me more than her father, and will do things that i ask her to(eg eat breakfast)where she won't for her father. but is that doing the wrong thing?

[DivinelySophistimicated]

No you are quite within your right. He wants you to look after them then he has to respect that this is the way you make it more comfortbale for yourself and DSD.

You cant just have her running around willy nilly not listening

[Eggflip]

It took a lot for me to be able to let my DP discipline my son. What you should do is talk to your DH about what she can get in trouble for and what the consequences should be, that way when you do discipline her you will know exactly how far you can take it (and im not talking about physical either). As for looking after her I think you should do it. I felt wierd going out and saying im leaving the kids with you as DS is MY son but we talked about it and my DP was quite upset that I would think like that, afterall he does a better job looking after him than his dad does. I know you might feel like a babysitter at times but I am sure in time your relationship with your DSD will more than likely become a much stronger one as she is getting to the age of needed someone there for her to talk to. I had a better relationship with my step mum than i did with my dad.

[pegasus]

This is a tricky topic and one where there are a lot of conflicting views (see Dr Phil where he says if you haven't had contact with the step kids before they're 4 then you can't be involved in their discipline at all - LOL - doesn't always work in the real world).

I've had contact with my DSK's since they were 2 and 4 and have had many occasions where I've had to discipline them (not so much in times of late, as they now know our rules and don't tend to do different - they are now 12 and 14)

Oh, I still get stuff where I'll get asked to do discipline - but by bio mum, not DH - for instance - when I picked them up 2weeks ago - her opening words were to me - "he needs to have a bar of soap in his mouth when you get home" about DSS. We've never had a swear word or talking back from him like she apparently does, so I don't discipline him for stuff like that - it's her problem. I just talk to the kids about why their mum has asked me to discipline them. (Won't go into what DSS said to me about what had gone on, but was totally irrelevant to what we were to do)

There have been a lot of occasions where I've looked after the step kids while DH has been working and I do look at this as "I married into it", but yes, it does irk me sometimes when biomum changes plans as she has a day/night out planned and just expects it. She is apparently starting work fulltime (first time ever) and I'm hoping she realises that 4weeks annual leave means just that and time can't be taken off work at a whim.

You said you get in trouble for disciplining your DSD - is it from your hubby or the biomum? If it's your hubby - then the best advice I can give you is see if you can talk to him about the time you are dealing with her, if it's from biomum - it's then between her and your partner - if she can't deal with it - then she shouldn't expect you to look after DSD while DH is working.

[SimplyMum]

good idea!!

sorry i should clear up what i mean. i know with him came the kids, and thats fine, its more the line of how far can you discipline, as in yes i look after them so he can support us, but am i allowed to tell her what to and not to do. i would never ever ever physically discipline, and hope that i wouldn't have to with my own child. with my DSD its more i give her choices and consequences. she listens to me more than her father, and will do things that i ask her to(eg eat breakfast)where she won't for her father. but is that doing the wrong thing?

I think you should be able to. If you weren't ablet o descipline than technically you're not really responsible for what happens, are you? I mean, granted I wouldn't like someone else physically desciplining my child but a stern no and if really need be confiscation of a toy or naughty corner I think is fine.
I descipline any kids that are under my roof whether their real parent is here or not. It's my house and my rules go. I don't yell or smack other children but a stern no I think is ok. If they don't like than don't make me part responsible for what happens while they are in my house/under my care!