Coping with meltdowns- advice???

[MyFourCubs]

I wrote a long pst last night that vanished into cyber land:( Do not have the energy to repeat it but let's just say I am a little down! If anybody is inot aware of my problems with my 2 year old Alexander, you can read the gory details in KeirasMum's thread, "Is there any other child like mine?" In a nutshell, I believe he is autistic aand the daily battle of managing his behaviour is getting exhausting. On top of this I have an 8 month old beautiful baby girl who has decided to stop sleeping and my 6 year old is home from school. Every day just seems to be harder than the one before and I am struggling to remain positive.

Anyway, my BiG question today is how do you deal with the meltdowns???? At home it is bad enough but when we are out it is just awful. Today I was trying to get some groceries, I had Hannah in the sling, Alex in the pram and Alex just lost it for no reason whatsoever. Just started crying hysterically in the middle of the supermarket which was packed. He wasn't tired, hungry or anything else he just screamed until we left. He does this very regularly at different places, but it is unusual for him to do it while grocery shopping. I just wanted to die. I tried the calming words, I tried talking to him, asking him what was wrong, in the end I threatened to smack him if he didn't stop. Yes, I know all of you out there are thinking I am the worst mum on earth but I will be honest and say I have smacked him recently at home when he has screamed hysterically and won't stop. The other week he screamed non stop for 2 hours after I put him to bed. I couldn't just leave him to cry it out because his screaming was waking up Hannah and I was just going back and forth between the 2 of them. To make it clear, I did NOT smack as a first or even 5th resort. I tried evrything. I read to him. I sang to him. I pulled him out of his cot, cuddled him and massaged him with baby balm. I gave him panadol. I tried EVERYTHING and he would stop and be fine while I was in there so I knew he wasn't sick, he would laugh and be fine until I left then he would scream. He did this for about 5 nights in a row until I ended up smacking him and telling him I would keep smacking him until he stopped.

I DO NOT WANT TO SMACK HIM. I do not really believe in it and I believe it will create more problems in the long run but I do not know what else to do to make him stop screaming. When we are out the only thing that makes him stop is putting him in the car and taking him home. This is not always practical if I am in the middle of shopping or at baby group or a playdate for my daughter. It is not fair on her to make her go home. I have read all of the autistic material, I try telling myself that he is scared, he doesn't know what is going on, he is overwhelmed etc but in the end I just want to strangle him. I get so angry with him and that makes me hate myself for getting angry.

Does anybody have any advice on how to deal with these meltdowns without resorting to smacking?????

Thanks for reading and thanks for any advice you can offer. I am just getting so depressed. I spent a week at Karitane in October to try and manage his behaviour and that was my last resort which hasn't really gotten us anywhere. He is not old enough for sticker charts, or if he is, he doesn't seem to understand them. He is in speech pathology and we are doing the "positive play," daily and he is on the waiting list for early inttervention. I just don't know what else to do.:crying:

Sara

[~BEXTER~]

i am really sorry that you are having bad few days, i get these too and it is really upsetting.
as i have said before you are in a worst postition then me as you have the 2 other kids.
i am on anti-depressants and it is a big help im not proud of it but it was getting to the stage where i just cried all the time and didnt want to be around keiara as it was stressful and i have no idea what to do. this might no be the answer for you but you need something.
your oldest daughter will be in school soon so that should make it a little better,
but i have to say again try getting Alex into daycare it will give you both time out and let you have that 1 on 1 time with bub.

as for advice when out shopping i guess maybe a toy that he likes and can play with in the stroller something so he isnt bored?

or maybe he wants to walk? keiara hates walking and she is good when im out (most of the time)

i really hope it gets better for you
i find that keiara is good when looked after by other people, is there someonw who will have Alex for a little so you can have that break???
if it wasent for daycare i have no idea how i would do it i really think you should try getting him in daycare though, there are some that will do anything they can to help you and Alex.
im going to pm you with my contact details, you need to be able to talk to somewho who understands what you are going through, and believe me i undrstand.

i really do hope you are having a better day today :yes:


:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

[MyFourCubs]

Thankyou so much for your post. Unfortunately I have spent the last few hours at the medical centre- a throat infection I have been on antibiotics for the last 14 days has returned with a vengence despite the antibiotics. Dr says I must be penicillin resistent and there is not much more I can have since I am breatfeeding. I feel like cr#p. I think I am just so run down and I need a break. A holiday, please!!!!!!!:sunshine:

We went to the park with Hannah's mothers group this morning and Alex was perfect. One girl actually said, "he's a very happy boy,isn't he?" Ha!! Talk about Jeckyll and Hyde. Truthfully he is a beautiful, absolutely gorgeous boy but when he loses it, it's just ugly.

I have so little energy now but will read and reply to your PM tommorrow:) Thanks again, so much- hope you have had a better week!!

Sara:hugs:

[sam's mum]

I have a couple of suggestions that may or may not work.

1. bath or shower. water works wonders to soothe my ASD kid. showers seem to work better, I think that it is the sound as well as the water, but given the drought it is baths at the moment. won't work so well if you are out though.

2. nerf ball. these are really soft sort of foamy balls that you can get. we started this on the advice of her peer support teacher. when she was in a full meltdown I would throw the ball at/to her. most of the time she would automatically try to catch it and it would snap her out of the melt down. not sure if your son is too young for this one.

3. put them somewhere to be alone. I found that touch and attention actually makes it worse and last longer. Is there a room away from the baby where your son can 'sit it out'. in public it is sooo much worse because people watching make it worse as well. I saw another autistic child at the shops one day and they had a sign on their wheelchair that said something like 'please don't stare, I am autistic and your staring makes me uncomfortable'. But then I had to look at them to read the sign.:confused:

other than that I guess it is a case of developing a thick skin. not caring when people look and also caring that little bit less that your child is having the melt down. it is hard when your kids seem upset, but for an autistic child it is a way of venting frustration. as long as they aren't hurt or needing attention for some reason, leave them to it in a place where they can't hurt themselves.

:hugs: I know what you mean about Jekyll and Hyde, I had to write a letter to the school describing my daughter and I started with the nursery rhyme "there was a little girl, who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead, when she was good, she was very, very good, but when she was bad, she was horrid"

[MyFourCubs]

Thank-you very much for your advice, those suggestions were really helpful and will give them a try. Except for the shower because he truly hates it!

I know what you are saying about trying not to let it get to you. Worst thing is though when you are trying to remain all calm and serene and trying to look as though it's not getting to you one bit, and you see other people looking at you like, "Are you deaf, is there something wrong with you? Why are you not responding to that child??!!" I often have friends say to me, "I don't know how you cope, you are always so calm!" Uh...no. I just don't lose it til I walk in my door!

Sara:)

[kiwibird27]

I am not sure whee u live but Learning Links offers a communication program for children who are autistic called the Hanen program, Have heard good things about it!!!!!!

[mal]

:hugs:oh darlin... sorry im a bit late on this one. i dont have the problems you do, but just wanted to send a hug . i just wondered if you had thought of daycare for a day or two a week.. it does help so much to take a minute to yourself. you are not a bad mother at all some times we are faced with a challenge. my kids still play up in the shop and it is horrible and embarising. just have a think about it , it may even teach him some social skills.:hugs:

[MyFourCubs]

Hi there, no- you are never to late with advice, the meltdowns happen thick and fast around here so it's always good to get fresh imput!!

Thank you very much for the hug, never goes astray:) As for day care, everybody has suggested this but he is not ready and although it might give me a break, it won't be a relaxing one if I am worrying myself sick about him. I spoke to his speech therapist, she said absolutelt not until his communication skills improve and he is able to grasp that when we go, we come back. His seperation anxiety is extremely high and we genuinely don't know how much he understands of what we say to him. Maybe next year we will think about it. He gets enough socialisation meanwhile from playgroup and kindygym. (Although obviously we get melt downs there too!) He still sleeps a few hours during the day. If it were not for this I probably wouldn't cope and would feel differently.

As for learning ladders, I'm not sure what this is. I live on the Central Coast in NSW. Thanks for the suggestion though, I will look it up.

Hope everybody else is well:)

Sara

[meagss]

Hi Sara and everyone who responded to your post!

I'm sorry to crash it and I know I'm writing this about 6 months late... truth is, I found the thread whilst doing a forum search using the word "jeckyll".

It is honestly quite a relief to read that there are other people who use the 'jeckyll and hyde' term to describe their kids.

DS is almost 12 months old and has been a total handful since day dot. Like some of you girls have said - when he's great, he's just gorgeous, but when he's having a moment, he is just ferral. There is no happy medium with him. I have read a bit about ASD and am worried sick that he fits in somewhere on this scale - but of course, I think he is still too young for any diagnosis. I haven't spoken to any professionals about my concerns as of yet.

Or maybe I'm just over-reacting? How do I know??
I've just discovered I am pregnant again and while over the moon about this (it was planned), I truly don't know how I will cope if we have another 'high maintenance' bub.
I'd love to hear any advice....
Thank you.

[sam's mum]

I know what you mean about being worried about the next kids. DS is extremely sweet and even tempered. BUT every time he insists on things being put away in the exact same place, and every time he lines all of his trucks up making patterns, and everytime he has a hissy when we do things in the wrong order :eek:. I try to remind myself that my nephew was the same with his toys, and he grew up with no behavioural problems at all.

[naomis mum]

sara..im sorry you are going through this...i know its hard. have you seen anyone regarding this? a developmental pead? i think it is definately worth it. naomi doesnt have screaming meltdowns often so i dont know how you cope, she just does the lying silent type ones..which drive me equally batty...i hope that you get some answers soon..hugs hun...

[meagss]

I can understand why you'd be a bit worried, Sam's Mum... on the positive side it's great you know your nephew did this too and I have read the lining things up, wrong order hissy's etc are very normal toddler behaviour.

But then, so are lots of other ASD traits. So, how do you know? Sigh. :confused: