Visitation Rights?

[MissBrightside]

I dont know if Ive posted in the right spot.:confused:
My ex has seen my boys for about 2 hours full up in the past 5 weeks. I spoke yesterday to him regarding the CSA as he has no job and I havent received any maintenance from him. Which was fine he said hed ring them. He then said he wanted to take my eldest son for a couple of nights from tonight. He says he misses them and wants to spend time with him. He said Ben my 16month old is too young to take at this time. Which I know is true, but he has never had time bonding alone with his dad. My 3 year old says he wants to go, but I dont know how hell feel once he is there. My ex said he would bring him home if he asked him to. Which I think he would. But then my mum brought up that he just wants to spend time with Nicholas so he could show all his 'new' friends what he has and 'what a good dad' he is. She said I should look into getting some sort of legal thing through the court so he cant claim custody once his with him.
Im scared of letting Nicholas go. I want him to see his dad, but I dont know where he lives. I know he lives with 2 girls. But everytime I speak to him he dosent mention their names. This concerns me. And if he gives me an address how do I know its the one he is living at. I dont think he would lie, but I didnt think hed lie to me about alot of things.
What do I do should I let Nicholas go?

[Gribel]

Hi Sarah

you should defianetely get the address so you know where he is. And also request that they call you everyday at a set time......
other than that I'm not sure what else you can do.....? Maybe give Legal Aid a call, they can give you some (free) advice??

[bekkyboo]

Maybe you can drop him off and pick him up - at least then you can see if he is actually at this place. See if you can go in with Nicholas while gets settled, and make sure that he has everything he needs (suss out whether your ex actually lives at the adress - and check what these girls are like that he lives with)... Maybe 1 night to start with, and on a weekend (so that he cant contact ppl to get custody while he is in his care)... If you do go ahead and get some kind of court ordered visitation for them, make sure that you list everything you want - like no smoking in the house or car when the children are there, and that no strangers look after your children while in his care (like him deciding to go out for the night, and leaving him with the girls he lives with)... I had a friend go through all of this not long ago, but the father doesnt want anything to do with the child now.

Hope this somewhat helps.

[serenitynow]

Hi Sarah,

Given the situation I would be worried as well.

In your shoes I would insist on seeing the place where your ex lives.

It is vital for the safety of your child and your own peace of mind to know what the environment is like, - medicine/cleaning cupboard have locks , where he will be sleeping, what they will be doing. I would also insist on good night and good morning phone calls.

I would also want to discuss discipline, routines etc with your ex, so you are on the right page.

Two night is a long time to start with - I would suggest one night and then see how it goes. Maybe next time for a weekend, etc.

I would also suggest that he really needs to spend bonding time with the youngest - start with an hour or two and work it up from there.

As for the custody issue - speak to legal aid.

I don't think you much to worry about in this regard as you are the primary caregiver and his track record is pretty poor in relation to Child support and time spent with them. But seek legal advice in regard to this - better to be sure.

I'd be scared too, but if you really suss things out, in relation to the ex's place and plans he has, then maybe it will bring a little peace of mind.

XX

[mum24]

Hi nicandbensmum, having had similar situations to which you refer this is the advice I give...

You will need to have legal documents drawn up that reflect what both parents can and cannot do. Assuming you currently have no documents is fine for now because the children live with you permanently and it would be very hard for your ex to try and change the living arrangements without him starting some sort of legal proceedings, plus he'd also have to put forward a very convincing arguement complete with evidence that you are an unfit mother. Never, ever underestimate what legnths ex's will go to. Under no circumstances should you allow your child to go and stay one or two nights somewhere and you don't even know where. You have to have all necessary details of where your boy will be at eg address, landline and mobile phone numbers. Once you have these details then investigate that the information given to you is correct.

You now have a new partnership with your ex. You are the parents of these little boys and you both still need to communicate openly and honestly with each other about their lives. Have everything your ex says and does documented in some sort of personal diary just in case you need to refer back to it at a later date. Don't force both children onto your ex if he feels uncomfortable with looking after them without you there. Also, the reasons of why your ex wants visitation rights has nothing to do with your mum or anyone else for that matter. Only you and your ex are in control of these two boys and negative opinions from other people ( including your mum ) will not help make the lives of your two boys any easier.

Take responsibility for yours and your two boys' lives. Make safe and positive decisions and always know what influences come into your boys lives. Good luck with dealing with your ex, I hope it turns out alright for you.

[pumpkin]

[QUOTE=serenitynow]Hi Sarah,

I don't think you much to worry about in this regard as you are the primary caregiver and his track record is pretty poor in relation to Child support and time spent with them. But seek legal advice in regard to this - better to be sure.

sorry but just because he hasnt bothered to pay cs for whatever reason doesnt mean that he isnt able to see the child. you really need to look here at the law guide on line and also the fact sheets. www.csa.gov.au
http://www.csa.gov.au/repartner/hand4.htm
for anyone who cannot get the link to work this is what it says
Handout 4
Guidelines of a child's rights
TABLE OF CONTENTS | MAP | CSA HOME

A child has a right to:

A continuing relationship with both parents
Not be treated as a piece of property, but as a human being recognised to have unique feelings, ideas, and desires
Continuing care and proper guidance from each parent
Not to be unduly influenced by either parent to see the other parent differently
Express love, friendship and respect for both parents
Freedom from having to hide emotions or be ashamed of them
An explanation that the impending action of divorce was in no way caused by the child's actions
Not be the subject and/or source of any and all arguments
Continuing, honest feedback with respect to the divorce process and its impact on the changing relationships in the family
Maintain regular contact with both parents and a clear explanation for any change in plans and/or cancellations
Enjoy a pleasurable relationship with both parents and never to be employed as a manipulative bargaining tool.
Source: The Wisconsin Supreme Court
Note: Refer to the Australian Family Law Act 1975 (60B) for Australian principles www.familycourt.gov.au

[Odessa]

Here is some information from the Family Court of Australia's website about Children's Matters

http://www.familycourt.gov.au/presence/connect/www/home/guide/before/children/

[MissBrightside]

[QUOTE=serenitynow]Hi Sarah,

I don't think you much to worry about in this regard as you are the primary caregiver and his track record is pretty poor in relation to Child support and time spent with them. But seek legal advice in regard to this - better to be sure.

sorry but just because he hasnt bothered to pay cs for whatever reason doesnt mean that he isnt able to see the child. you really need to look here at the law guide on line and also the fact sheets. www.csa.gov.au
http://www.csa.gov.au/repartner/hand4.htm
for anyone who cannot get the link to work this is what it says
Handout 4
Guidelines of a child's rights
TABLE OF CONTENTS | MAP | CSA HOME

A child has a right to:

A continuing relationship with both parents
Not be treated as a piece of property, but as a human being recognised to have unique feelings, ideas, and desires
Continuing care and proper guidance from each parent
Not to be unduly influenced by either parent to see the other parent differently
Express love, friendship and respect for both parents
Freedom from having to hide emotions or be ashamed of them
An explanation that the impending action of divorce was in no way caused by the child's actions
Not be the subject and/or source of any and all arguments
Continuing, honest feedback with respect to the divorce process and its impact on the changing relationships in the family
Maintain regular contact with both parents and a clear explanation for any change in plans and/or cancellations
Enjoy a pleasurable relationship with both parents and never to be employed as a manipulative bargaining tool.
Source: The Wisconsin Supreme Court
Note: Refer to the Australian Family Law Act 1975 (60B) for Australian principles www.familycourt.gov.au

I never said I didnt want him to see them. I want the boys to see there dad. Its the trust factor and things that have happened in the past. I know you may not be having a go at me, but I just want to be clear that my boys are human beings that I love dearly. Im just finding the situation difficult as I dont know the address which I will definately find out because I will be dropping them off (his decided to take them both now) Again I have no problem with them seeing him I also dont know the people he lives with. I do not bag my ex to my kids. I want them to be happy but its just stressful for me as I have never been apart from them.

[MissBrightside]

Thats ok jayandcharlie I know who you were refering to. Thanks for your advice.