Do you think its necessary to scream at children?

[punkbaby]

I know this is a touchy issue so please be nice if discussing this but wondering your thoughts.

I know that some children cry all the time, it happens and unfortunately some kids just do that so i am keeping this in mind and having an open outlook on the whole scenario but i just wonder why the little boy next door would constantly scream i guess though as his mothers constantly screaming at him, well it doesnt help, perhaps thats all he knows :confused:

This boy (maybe 3) screams all the time and she screams at him, calling him lots of horrible words, full on swearing but she is screaming too like literally till shes hoarse in the voice the boy in return just screams and screams, we are in a rather large house and i can hear it in the lounge 2 rooms and shed and a brick wall away. So its quiet loud. THe boy is always locked outside when he starts his tantrums too.

when my mum was here (mum works in social services as a supervisor for a group home for women who have suffered domestic violence) she mentioned as to how it sounded a little harsh, as i said to her, we dont know whats going on maybe the child just screams.

The other day during a screaming session the mum was out the front and said hello, she looked flustered and i just said how you doing she said i am beside myself i cannot control him, yes maybe this was a cry for help, maybe i didnt say the right thing, not sure why but i just said Oh we get that hey, you ok? I dont really know her that well to be honest. Then her husband come out and she went all quiet, i felt that she wanted to talk but then stopped when he stepped outside. Would you say anything i mean i dont think that the screaming is really appropriate but then again that might be the only thing that works for her or the only thing she knows and i dont know her, her kids are happy but they always scream (btw i dont like how she locks her kids out and leaves them screaming to come back inside but thats another matter)

I admit yes i have raised my voice at my kids a few times, very rarely though as i find usually i can reason with them most of the time. I just wondered what you would do if you were me....some advice would be great i was going to go and say hi and introduce myself properly but i am too damn shy to do that but figure she might need someone to talk to or just need an ear...?

[SweetSerenity]

Hmmm it's hard isn't it when you can't actually see what's going on.

I have a lady 2 doors down from me who has done the same with her 3 or 4 year old boy, locked him out in the backyard while he screamed. The poor thing just kept screaming "mummmyyyy!!!"....

I guess next time you see her just maybe try and make small talk and then bring up how flustered she was the other day and then go from there.

I yell at peter occassionally but usually it happens at the end of day where he has been getting into EVERYTHING even after me repeating myself 50 times and I'm at my wits end.

Is it a daily occurance??? Like does it seem to happen for the most part of the day?

I think maybe just try and tell her in a round about way that you're happy to chat to her if she ever needs to.

It's hard.

Good luck :)

[OJandMe]

I have to admit, as much as I try not too. (as I DO NOT think it is appropriate) I do find myself often yelling. Not screaming, but yelling. And the boys (well Jordan in particular) will yell too.

I hate yelling. I try not too, but after a whole day og whinging, whining, children not listening, asking for a chocolate custard for 2 hours and throwing an endless tantrum because I won't give in to them...

Yes : I have on occasion yelled at him to shut up and go away.

Not that I"m proud of it.,








But I have never sworn at them, well once... and I shocked myself so much I've never done it since.

[punkbaby]

Its morning noon and night :( i guess if it was one part of the day i would be like ohh fair enough bed time stinks but at 6am when i get up they start and are often locked out by 7am its just the screaming how can a child and women scream like that all day on and off?

[the_queen]

Get over your shyness mate, you're a lovely person and she doesn't need a top-notch social worker with a degree in counselling, she just needs a friend and you can be that for her.

Just from your story, the way she is with her kid and the way she reacted to her husband's presence, I would think it is a DV situation. Often, abused women will react by abusing their children, because they can't deal with what is going on and just do not know how to deal with it all.

:hugs: :hugs: Sounds awful and sounds like a tough situation but all you need to do is drop by one day and invite yourself in for coffee. You've got all these thousands of kids :p you will be a wealth of knowledge to her, plus you're wise and compassionate. :hugs:

[confusd]

i dont think its necessary to scream at your childern, but yes sometimes you just get to the point where you have had had enough and just dont know what else to do and some parents may scream at there kids and other may cry(im a cryer lol)
In my experience with screaming kids, my neighbour has 3 kids (my neighbours arnt the most...respectable people..) the two youngest kids are screamers they are constantly yelling screaming and having tantrums they run wild up and down the street....
anyways one day i ran into her in the garden and started some polite conversation then her daughter started one of her tanties and she apologised and said she has had enough and pretty much fell apart....

turnd out she needed someone to talk to and a helping hand as her partner wasnt any help but made everything worse....i ended up telling her to talk to my mum (i only have one kid my mum has had 5 of us!!)

so if i was you (yeah im pretty shy to) id just talk to her next time you run into her....she probably does just need an ear

(sorry that kinda dragged out:ecomcity:)

[Benji]

I don't think it's necessary to scream at children. It sounds like this lady is doing it because she isn't coping well.

I think sometimes children like it when their parents lose it - DS thinks it's hilarious when I raise my voice (which is not often and only in certain situations i.e. he is about to do something potentially dangerous).

It sounds like it's a vicious cycle.

[WorkingClassMum]

Well posted Queen:thumbsup:

I think it's obvious she's not coping - but what is she not coping with? IYKWIM

I think a shoulder to start with, and if you're in over your head, then I'm sure your mum can point you/her in the right direction.


:hugs:

[Lastcenturymum]

No its not necessary, but as you say, you don't know the situation. I would be so upset if I had to live nextdoor to someone like that though. I couldn't handle it.

Its so sad though, because it perpetuates the same cycle :(

[Benji]

Oh, can I just add, sometimes I feel like maybe we only hear the bad things but miss out on hearing the good things.

For example, my bathroom is right next to the neighbour's bathroom and they are always in their bathroom when I am giving DS a bath. He ALWAYS plays up when he is having a bath (trying to run off when he is still wet, trying to climb out of the bath etc). I am sure my neighbours probably think I am horrible. They have probably heard me say "Brayden, no" a million times.

Maybe this lady's son plays up a bit inside but maybe they have a healthy, loving relationship behind closed doors.

[misskittyfantastico]

It's such a hard thing to hear, isn't it? I went shopping today an hour or so from where we live and there was a mother with to young sons and she yelled and swore and yelled and swore as we followed her up the aisle. In the end I asked the boys if they wanted to help me with my shopping so mummy could do hers....the mum had tears in her eyes. I was so glad to help.

I KNOW the yelling/swearing is just total and utter frustration and exhaustion....it's just so sad.

[punkbaby]

Thanks for the advice, i have seen times where the kids are happy thats why i am keeping an open mind about this and yes kids are a handful it just seems to always happen. Thats why i am keeping an open mind :) not making assumptions. I was going to go over one day when i was taking the kids to the park to see if she wanted to come, but i dont want to knock on the door when the screamings happening and to be honest it doesnt not happen much so its a little hard, maybe i can just chat to her one day and invite her kids for a picnic or something to the park when i see her out the front again.

My mum was going to go knock on her door but i told her to mind her own business, i love my mum but she is pretty over powering and very judgemental so i guess thats why i am asking for advice here as i know if i asked her, she would come down here and go and talk to her and i dont want that to happen.

I might try strike up a convo if i see her out the front again and see how it goes i guess i just worry i might get involved with something thats too deep for me, but i guess i can be a freind at least if thats what she needs

[hayleysmummy]

Get over your shyness mate, you're a lovely person and she doesn't need a top-notch social worker with a degree in counselling, she just needs a friend and you can be that for her.

Just from your story, the way she is with her kid and the way she reacted to her husband's presence, I would think it is a DV situation. Often, abused women will react by abusing their children, because they can't deal with what is going on and just do not know how to deal with it all.

:hugs: :hugs: Sounds awful and sounds like a tough situation but all you need to do is drop by one day and invite yourself in for coffee. You've got all these thousands of kids :p you will be a wealth of knowledge to her, plus you're wise and compassionate. :hugs:

:iagree: sounds like DV sito to me too

[xkwzit]

Punk,
I think your plan is wise. I think that she does need to talk and that you could help her out, just by listening to her.

I don't think it is healthy to scream abuse at children. I have been known to yell, I think sometimes all kids are a bit hard of hearing - but swearing at them is never necessary or helpful (and honestly, there are alway other ways to get them to listen).

Cheers

[sockstealingpoltergeist]

Punkbaby- I think that talking to her is a great idea, I would go over and have a chat.
If however things continue I would call child safety, If the father is abusive and the mother is being verbally abusive to the child, then it sounds like the child has no one to help him or protect him. I don't think it would hurt to get child safety to check things out.

[WorkingClassMum]

Whoa,

We don't know what is happening in the house - at this stage it's all conjecture and suposition. All we do know is that it appears that Mum and child are yelling - a lot. Apart from Dad walking out into the graden - we don't know what he is (or isn't) doing. Calling in child protection services may be totally unnecessary. (or it may be totally necessary). Nobody has seen or heard of the the child being hit

I think Punkbaby's idea to go slowley slowley is wise. Afterall - she has to live next to them.

Maybe the child has behavioural issues/problems and mum is just not coping (hmmm I've been there...)

My direct neighbors child has dyspraxia - and he screams - a lot. He's even had a few screaming tanty's at my place - and once he fitted. It's part of his condition. Poor mum has no warning that this is coming on. She locked him outside last week for a while.

[reAllytee]

It's such a hard thing to hear, isn't it? I went shopping today an hour or so from where we live and there was a mother with to young sons and she yelled and swore and yelled and swore as we followed her up the aisle. In the end I asked the boys if they wanted to help me with my shopping so mummy could do hers....the mum had tears in her eyes. I was so glad to help.

I KNOW the yelling/swearing is just total and utter frustration and exhaustion....it's just so sad.

Oh Miss Kitty you are truly wonderful :hugs:

So are you Punk for the fact you even tried to talk to her.

I am often losing my cool but admit screaming does happen & even happened yesterday & i really dread to think of what my neighbours thought of me. Our immediate neighbours are fantastic cause they know Boof is a hand full & have had their own kids so 'know' what it can be like.

I think the fact you have spoken to her now will at least have opened the door to help her talk etc. I also agree that there may be more to the story in regards to possible DV or maybe the boy has ADHD or the likes.

Some of us unfortunately just dont cope as well as others & while its easy to say i would never do it or the likes its a case of ' there but for the grace of God go I '.

[punkbaby]

petamumof2, I wont call child services, i dont know whats going on its not my place to call them like i said not making assumptions here, what i hear is just screaming and yelling and when i see the children they look like they are well cared for mind you if i ever saw the children belted or bashed i wouldnt hesitate but i dont actually see what is going on when this screaming is going on.

Can someone give me a good contact just encase it is related to DV? I went through it years ago with dd9s dad and i am sure that there is alot more support for it now than back then. If this is the case would like to at least give her the right people to contact.

Naturally is her sons just a difficult child i will just invite her along for a few park play days with my kids at least then she gets a breather and her child can have some fun with my kids as well too and hopefully we can both offload together then :)

[Pixie]

Invite her over for a coffee and a chat. She might not open up straight away, but at least she might feel like she has a friend close by.

[Benji]

Naturally is her sons just a difficult child i will just invite her along for a few park play days with my kids at least then she gets a breather and her child can have some fun with my kids as well too and hopefully we can both offload together then :)

Sounds like a nice idea! She might just need a break and someone to talk to, who knows :)

[ShadyCharacter]

This boy (maybe 3) screams all the time and she screams at him, calling him lots of horrible words, full on swearing but she is screaming too like literally till shes hoarse in the voice the boy in return just screams and screams, we are in a rather large house and i can hear it in the lounge 2 rooms and shed and a brick wall away. So its quiet loud. THe boy is always locked outside when he starts his tantrums too.
It's NEVER necessary IMO. It doesn't matter if you know the whole story, there is no excuse.

That said, we all lose our temper sometimes. I yelled at my 3 year old this morning :( - and he told me to use my nice voice and say sorry :o. Quite within his right too, as that is what I say to him.

Children learn by example - if this little boy is screaming all the time, its because its what he has learnt from his mother.

[metalhead713]

hmm I wouldnt say its necessary to scream but raising the voice I think everyone has done once in awhile at their children. At first I would have been one to judge this mother in the fact that she is screaming her head off at her kid but its clear from what you said that the poor woman might acctualy just need help, I know there are days where I feel like just screaming the world down but I control it, this woman obviously cant and needs help, maybe even just someone to talk to. But the locking outside part sounds pretty dodgy.. she needs to learn better ways of dealing with him I think. She may not be a bad mum, she just needs help.
As for what Id say to her.. I have no idea acctualy im not good at talking in person myself:o maybe just one day when the husband isnt home ask her and her kid over for a coffee or somthing? If it appears that she isnt going to accept a convosation or help of any sort then id just stay out of it, to be helped you have to acctually want to be helped.

[punkbaby]

If it appears that she isnt going to accept a convosation or help of any sort then id just stay out of it, to be helped you have to acctually want to be helped.

Thats what i am thinking, i mean i a really shy maybe shes shy too so i will try catch her when shes out the front rather than knock on her door. GO with my gut instinct usually its right, but if it seems to be an issue too deep for me i will stay away and do what i am doing now, just say hello.

[didlesdines]

I have skipped a couple of pages, but I will say that I do raise my voice with my kids, more so for lack of them listening and me getting frustrated. But I know that it nevers sinks in (for them) I remember once I was sooo mad with Jess (miss 10) that I wrote everything down and left it in her room, she said that was worse than yelling at her.

I never swear at the kids but, I do swear in front of them, like burning something when cooking and kicking my toe! But I am lucky that my kids know they are bad words and not to repeat them. As for locking kids out no way! That is not on, with school holidays I have been tempted but I will just walk away go to my room and let them deal with it between them, we have issues with miss 10 dobbing and the boys hitting each other because "he hit me first"

It is best to walk away with a cup of tea/coffee in hand and have some time out, in our place you will often find me in the time out spot getting some peace, but roll on the 31/01 and I will be in heaven!

[pookiesossige]

Get over your shyness mate, you're a lovely person and she doesn't need a top-notch social worker with a degree in counselling, she just needs a friend and you can be that for her.

Just from your story, the way she is with her kid and the way she reacted to her husband's presence, I would think it is a DV situation. Often, abused women will react by abusing their children, because they can't deal with what is going on and just do not know how to deal with it all.

:hugs: :hugs: Sounds awful and sounds like a tough situation but all you need to do is drop by one day and invite yourself in for coffee. You've got all these thousands of kids :p you will be a wealth of knowledge to her, plus you're wise and compassionate.

:yes:^^^^^^ What she said :D
What a beauifully written post. You are the perfect person to intervene here, PB. You really would be a lovely person for her to chat to, or at least get to know over time. Perhaps through you, her behaviour just might begin to change... I think she really needs you in her life. Yes, it does sound like a DV situation :(

[Butterflies&Hurricanes]

PLEASE dont judge me but Coming from someone that screams at her child (and no I dont think its appropriate) I can say that a lot of things can cause this
1. being stressed - child playing up all day not listening takes its toll
2. PND
3. lack of support network
4. not knowing any better

the list goes on.
I know it might sound like I am just making excuses here but even though I know better and am aware of what I am doing, sometimes screaming feels like my only option. (I feel awful after doing it though) I dont have many friends here and in fact have almost a NO support network here. When it comes to my son I feel very isolated. And he is at the stage where he is pushing the boundires and testing how far he can push me. Its not easy and if I had someone who approached me nicely for a chat without judging me I would be over the moon!! dont judge the woman because you dont knwo what she is going through. She may just need a friend and some gentle guidance...
I've read all the theory on disciplining without screaming and shouting but its sooooo hard to put it into practice - especially when you feel so alone and unsupported. She may be the same.

Editted to add - I am working on it so please dont think I am a bad mum!

[punkbaby]

PLEASE dont judge me but Coming from someone that screams at her child (and no I dont think its appropriate) I can say that a lot of things can cause this
1. being stressed - child playing up all day not listening takes its toll
2. PND
3. lack of support network
4. not knowing any better

the list goes on.
I know it might sound like I am just making excuses here but even though I know better and am aware of what I am doing, sometimes screaming feels like my only option. (I feel awful after doing it though) I dont have many friends here and in fact have almost a NO support network here. When it comes to my son I feel very isolated. And he is at the stage where he is pushing the boundires and testing how far he can push me. Its not easy and if I had someone who approached me nicely for a chat without judging me I would be over the moon!! dont judge the woman because you dont knwo what she is going through. She may just need a friend and some gentle guidance...
I've read all the theory on disciplining without screaming and shouting but its sooooo hard to put it into practice - especially when you feel so alone and unsupported. She may be the same.

Editted to add - I am working on it so please dont think I am a bad mum!

Thankyou fluffball its nice hearing it from your perspective from a parent who has to do the same, thats why i am not making any assumptions here there could be alot of reasons behind it. its nice to know that you would appreciate having someone to talk too as well thats why i am hoping me going over for a chat or working out a play day will help :)

:hugs: to you hun, like i said i have never had to scream at my kids, yes i raise my voice but reasoning works for me too, i am lucky i know that :)

Its hard when you dont have support, i dont know a single person where i live, no one at all my nearest relative or freind is over 2 hours away and its damn hard being alone but i have other things that keep me busy and take my mind of the loneliness i do plan to change that though.

Each family situation is alot different to everyone elsees hun and thats why i am looking at the bigger picture hey :) :hugs:

[Nowhere]

as cruel as it sound i to have raised my voice at miki out of pure frustration, fear, sadness I would never hurt her in any way, I know its not fair to raise my oice ather she isnt even two yet and she isnt a naughty child but on ocasions after hour and hours of screaming and not baing able to do anything to help it gets hard and yers i have raised my voice and told ehr she is being a little s**t i know its bad but really any one who can put up with screaming for that long and not raise there voice or get upset is a saint

I think in my situation its probably actualy even less appropriate to raise my voice at her as its not her fauly why she is crying but sometimes it gets tooooooo much

In total i have raised my voice at her 4 times and called her a little s**t twice yes i feel bad about it

but i dont think it in any way makes me babd mum or puts my DD in any risk as its not like i have screamed my head of at ehr like syco lady or left her to scream for hours on end or hurt her

[mumkc]

From another perspective I am not a mum (yet) and wouldn't know where to go to get help on parenting, so perhaps when you get together for that coffee you could give her some advice on people who could teach her other techniques for dealing with a difficult child - CAFHS?

BTW, how lovely of you to care.

[Shanaynay]

I don't think it's ever neccessary to scream at children. Maybe if they were about to jump in front of a semi-trailer or something, I don't know.

[Shanaynay]

I remember once I was sooo mad with Jess (miss 10) that I wrote everything down and left it in her room, she said that was worse than yelling at her.


My mum did that to me a few times, it was AWFUL :(

[punkbaby]

i understand raising voices i can handle that like i said i have raised my voice a few times, the screaming though i mean to the point where you lose your voice etc its quiet full on and very loud.
Phineas if my kids were running in front of a truck or on the road i think that would be the only time i would scream.
One of their kids threw their ball over our fence, well its from them or the park. I will pop over later to see, at least i have an excuse to say hello now :) i feel dumb otherwise. Can break the ice at least she seems like a nice lady and quiet often sais hello or her kids are saying hello over the fence to my kids etc

[xkwzit]

I hope that it all goes well, do let us know how you got on.

Cheers

[sunnyflower]

I think you sound like a very nice person to even be so concerned.

I definately think she is reaching out for help,otherwise she wouldn't have said 'I don't know how to control him.'

It sounds like she needs a friend.

[punkbaby]

I went over today and her hubby answered (i had the ball) he was wierd but spoke to me at least, she was having a nap. Anyway i spoke to him for a few minutes introduced myself and i said to him we were thinking of having a bbq at the park and i wondered seeing its school holidays if they would like to join us. (i had to invite him too i guess) He said that they would really enjoy that but he cant make it as his working nights and its too hard to do the day thing but he said he would pass the message on to his wife and get her to work out a day that suits.

He gave me a really uneasy feeling, not sure why but he was more interested in talking to my boobs than my face LOL maybe it was just me being paranoid about the uneasy feeling but hopefully he passes the message on and she comes over to work out a time at least.

I have done my bit will just wait and see now :)