bitter feelings 12 months post ceaser

[Blue&Pink]

Hi ladies
:hugs:

Well it's coming up to DS's 1st birthday which means 1 year since my Ceaser.

I had so much time during my pregnancy to prepare myself for it because in my heart I always *KNEW* I would have a ceaser. I knew this simply because my pregnancy mirrored my mother's, right down to fundal heights until the last few weeks.

About 15 hours into labour my worst fears were realized and I knew how it was going to end. At 10:06pm, exactly 22.5hours since labour started, my beautiful DS was born by emergency caesarian.

I felt so cheated. I felt so cheated that I didn't get the chance at a vaginal birth. I hated myself and my body because it couldn't do what the woman's body was designed to do. Couple that with PND and the fact that I also couldn't breastfeed as I was a misery.
I also felt cheated that I had a very bad reaction to the morphine (found out 2 weeks later that my Dad is allergic and his heart stops when he has it) and so I have virtually no memory of my son's birth at all. I didn't even have the strength in my body to lift myself up enough, and I missed seeing them pull my baby boy out. I also felt cheated because I was not in control of my own body and birthing experience.

I developed an infection 2 weeks post birth and experienced great pain for 12 weeks post birth. I hated my scar, it was like a horrible disgusting mark on my body and I couldn't bear to look at it or feel it. I wished it'd go away. I longed for a vaginal birth. I hated my body and the world for the labour and birth I experienced.

These feelings never went away but they subsided. I came to terms to a degree that it's how it ended up. I told myself that DS had to be born, one way or the other. At one stage I convinced myself I'd had the easy way out. Stitches in my belly as opposed to stitches downstairs and all that. Deep inside I was hurting, still with the feelings of being cheated.

Now, 12 months on, it's all coming to the forefront again. I've become accustomed to my scar. It's part of me now, it's how my beautiful baby boy came into this world. I still don't like to look at it, I still don't like to touch it. Now I am beginning to feel the cheated-ness and the bitterness towards the caesarian again. All those feelings are coming back like out of control floodwaters and I feel powerless to change how I feel.

I don't know what the point to this was. Guess I just needed to get it out. Thanks for listening to me :ecomcity: on.

[reAllytee]

I would advise you to seek counselling this is not just for you but for your little boy also as he deserves the right to have a happy healthy mummy.
I had a hard time dealing with my labour & i delivered vaginally so dont think you are alone either way as many of us feel cheated or upset by the way our birthing experiences turned out.
Just remember you have a healthy bub who arrived into this world a different way yes but safe & sound all the same. You certainly didnt cheat.
Look through the bubhub services they have great support groups & counsellors that you can get in contact with in your area.
I really wish you all the best & hope that in time you can heal & fully enjoy all that your little man brings to your life & that also includes your birth experience. :hugs:

[JanetF]

I'm so sorry you're feeling bad. It's very common among women who experience c-secs which have about 12 times the rate of PND that vaginal births do. It does matter how babies are born and it matters how you feel about it. There are many places IRL and online that will support you to heal and move through your feelings to enhance your life and your parenting. You're not alone, believe me!

Try these sites to see how you're really one of many, many women. *hugs*
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/accessingartemis
A group for women recovering from birth trauma.
http://www.birthrites.org
Loads of useful links. Includes info on recovering from traumatic birth. Very empowering. Encouraging of a consumer-type attitude to your health care.
http://www.victoriousbirth.com/index.html
Caesarean and Traumatic Birth Support. A site for women who want to truly heal spiritually and emotionally after a difficult birth experience
http://www.eheart.com/cesarean/index.html
A site by, for and about those born by c-sec.
http://www.tabs.org.nz/
New Zealand site on traumatic birth and recovery – PTSD and PND.

[SassyMummy]

I can't say I know how you feel - because although I hate that I had to have a caesarean, I didn't have the infection or bad reactions to drugs like you did.

I do know how it is to look back on your birthing experience with bitterness though. My daughter is coming up to 8 months old now...and I still look back with anger and upset. I didn't want a c-section...and I never want one again. Not because the experience was horrible (though, the pain when walking soon after was CERTAINLY horrific!), but because I feel that my body let me down.

I've said it so many times, people are probably sick of hearing it...lol...but I always thought, if nothing else, I had child-baring hips, and that giving birth would be something I could do with ease. Maybe I would have been able to do it - were I to go into labour. That was my problem - even after being induced twice, labour never begun. As DD was 2 weeks late...I was told I was going to have a c-section...the following day. It was frightening and very sudden (though obviously not as sudden as an emergency c-section).

One thing I hate most is the feeling of failure. The lack of empowerment. I had NO control over anything and that felt horrible. Though I'm sure labour and birth would be painful and scary too...it's the NATURAL way, and so I feel that I really missed out on something important. I don't feel like I can take part in coversations with other mothers about labour and birth. I don't have an interesting birth story to tell my daughter - I can't tell her how I yelled and carried on...and how I begged for drugs...and how long labour went for. All I did was lay down on a bench and let the surgeon's go to town on my stomach.

I also HATE the people that say to me, "You were lucky to have a c-section...I was in labour for (so many) hours...". When they discover that DD was born at 10lbs 4oz, they also comment on how "lucky" I am for not having to push her out. And, maybe if I had the opportunity to try and push her out, I would have wished for a c-section due to the pain and tearing or whatever. But I never experienced it...so I'll never know.

I think the way for me to mend my feelings, is to do my best to have a vaginal birth next time. That's quite frightening though, because I MAY need to have another c-section...and I'm worried that if I do, I'll feel even MORE of a failure. But I'm at least going to try and have a VBAC...I just need to feel that. I'm at least going to attempt to go into labour anyway...even if it results in c-section. I at least want to know what a contraction feels like!

I don't know how you can get over it...I hate my c-section scar too...I hate touching it. It grosses me out and feels weird (actually...it's kind of lost all feeling which makes it even more gross to me).

All I want to say is - you're not the only one who looks back bitterly. You're not alone.

[MummyoftheMuffins]

I had a ceasar too. I went through 19 1/2 hours of labour, all that pain and hard work. Taking in all of the advice people had given me during pregnancy, Walking around and doing the yoga ball thing and so many more. I had my heart set on having a natural birth. But the pain got unbearable and they couldn't understand why i was having the pain that i was describing to them, so they did a check and it turned out that my daughter wasn't getting any oxygen because the cord was wrapped around her neck twice and while i was in labour, she kept trying to get out and it just kept pulling the cord tighter.

So i signed the forms and was rushed in for a ceasar. I could have dealed with it alot better if i could have just seen my baby as soon as she was born, but they took her straight away with her dad to clean her up. so there i was lying there while they stitched me up, i kept asking about her but nothing was said to me. The epidural gave me shivers something shocking and they thought i was cold so they kept warm blankets on me right through the whole thing, result: they overheated me and i had to spend another hour in recovery without seeing my girl.

At the end of all that, My boyfriend had to go home and i was stuck there on my own with my new baby. I just wanted to share the moment with her dad... And i tried so hard to breastfeed, but got mastitus and severely cracked nipples in result of poor teaching. Midwives didn't show me and spend the time with me properly and i felt so let down. I felt like a failure.

Now my daughter is 10 months old and i'm starting to get depressed about the whole thing again. I find myself wanting another baby just so i can try harder this time to breastfeed. I feel like i'm the only one who feels this way, but recently joining this site has shown me that i am not the only one.

And for that i thank anyone who has read this and i can't express how much i feel for those who have bad childbirth experiences, because i feel too that it shouldn't be that way. We're women, we were brought up to bear children, why do our bodies sometimes fail us at what we are supposed to do best?

Kirsty, Mother of Madison-Skye, 10 months.:rolleyes:

[JATS]

You poor thing :(

My c/s was due to placenta previa, so there was never any chance of v/b, so I guess that might be one of the reasons I don't feel cheated.

sometimes things don't go the way we'd hoped but that dosen't mean it wasn't a success, with your bub turning 1 you have come a long way and have a lot to show for it :)

Good luck

[Twoterrorsmum]

Hi there, Doesn't it feel good to know you can come on to this site and let all your feelings out. You shouldn't feel so upset regarding your caesars. I had two caesars, my first one I would say wasn't a good experience at all, it was an emergency and I also had a couple of other problems at the time as well. I was a bit upset and felt like a failure afterwards (I also wasn't able to breastfeed even though I tried), but now I don't feel so bad coz as each year passes the memory of it gets easier to handle (and it fades a bit, I feel like I'm gettin a bit old now!! lol) and I also think that sometimes events and situations in our lives don't always work out as we hoped they would, unfortunately. At the end of it all I was just happy that my DS was alive as well, as when the doctor said I'll be having the emergency caesar I didn't care at that stage so long as my baby survives, they could have done anything to get him out!! (sorry I hope that doesn't sound too crude).Hope you all start to feel betta about it soon, don't let it get you down just enjoy the time with your little ones and have fun, the little buggas don't realize how much us mums go through to have them....but hey they're worth it.

[kadownie]

Hi- just wanted to say I'm sorry that you're feeling sad about your ceaser and birth- I went through a similar thing when my bubs turned one. Don't feel that you shouldn't feel the way you do- we all respond differently to different and stressful experiences.

I do know how you feel. I was so determined to have a vaginal birth, I was induced at 38 weeks at the end of a problem free twin pregnancy- I knew that induction would set me on the path to a ceaser more readily than just waiting for things to happen- but there were a whole lot of circumstances that I felt justified my induction (in hindsight I wouldn't have been induced, though it may not have changed anything)

I laboured well and quickly- though induction is the most awful and unnatural experience- so hard and fast and overwhelming. I pushed for 2 hours and then my ob (love him to bits) sat down and we had a talk about what we would do. I had previously decided that if I got to this situation that I would have a ceaser. so after 9 hours of labour and 2 hours of pushing my little bubba twin one was not moving an inch for whatever reason...so emergency ceaser it was.

My ceaser was dreadfully painful- I had had an epidural but it had kind of worn off, and we didn't wait long enough for it to kick back in (which was kind of my fault as I didn't listen carefully about the ice- but it's hard to be coherent in these situations) so I felt him cut into me- which wasn't nice. It could have been much worse though- thankfully my ob allowed me to endure it- he would have put me under except I begged him not to. It took forever to get the first twin out. when they pulled her out I felt so indifferent towards her. Same when they pulled out my son. Not at all like I had imagined, dreamed, fantisized it would be like to meet my babies.

Anyway- I too have had PND, continue to think daily about what I could have done differently to have changed things, go over my birth- it's like it's a part of me that I am constantly processing! I have had counselling, which helped. I just feel such a great loss- which is hard for some people to understand- but that's ok.

In a way it's not really the ceaser that's so sad for me- but the results of it. I feel so sad that I can't remember the first time I held or fed my son. I don't remember much of the first week- I hold newborns now and almost always get teary because I just fall in love with them instantly, and it took months for me to feel the same way about my own children!

Anyway- I've blabbered on, but I wanted you to know that you're not alone! My twins are 19 months- and although it doesn't affect me quite so much- I do still think about it. I also feel like the only way I can make it better is to have another baby and get it right this time....

give yourself time, it's ok to feel like this and you're not the only one. Don't listen to people when they tell you to get over it and you should be happy that your child is healthy- it takes time to heal. I find journalling helps! There may even be a group where you live that has meetings to talk about people's journeys- I know there's one here in Brisbane.