Friends falling preg while i'm still TTC #1

[impatient1]

Hi All,

This is my first post on Bub hub!!!:wave:

Does anyone else experience the pain :( felt everytime someone around you anounces that they're pregnant while you are still TTC!?!

I'd like to know i'm not the only one out there who feels hurt, jelous and all those other lovely feelings...
I feel quilty that i'm not more excited for them (by them i mean my best friend of 20 yrs who i grew up with and my sister in law).
I feel like i should be more interested and ask more questions about how they're going, but i just can't seem to!

Does anyone else feel this way? How do you manage with it?

[kelpat]

I know exactly how you feel. Even though we are not trying for our first it's still hard.

Since we started TTC my oldest friend has fallen pregnant and had a boy who is now 14 months. Then my best friend also fell pregnant and now has a girl, 8 months. Next was my best friends friend(who I hate ) just delivered a boy. And to top it all off my sister has had a boy also who is now 8 months.

My best friend and sister told me within days of each other which was really hard and I had a bit of a cry.

Now I just tell everyone that we've stopped trying, that way I don't get the horrible questions.

You just have to keep thinking that your turn will come and it will be worth the wait.:fingerscrossed:

[willynilly]

Yep. I know that pain all to well, once my ex-best friend who knew I was ttc and that I had fertility problems AND that the doc told me I will have trouble keeping the pregnancy,

well she bacame pregnant with her second bub and didn't want it and made me take her to the abortion clinique. There are all types of hurts out there and I don't know how to help you darl but at least you don't have a friend like I DID. :)

GOOD LUCK with your journey though, I wish you all the best and truely hope this next cycle is you BFP :bfp:.


:flowerz: :flowerz: :flowerz:

[impatient1]

Thanks,
It really is hard especially with my friend who conceived first go and we had been talking about this together since i first started TTC. I guess i need to think it will eventually happen - One day!

They both fell close together and were reluctant to tell me - which made me feel even worse!
But i like your idea to tell people we've stopped - it would take some of the pressure and questions off. Particularly since we are having some not nice tests (me-PCOS just diagnosed!)

I've had a bit of a cry and trying to be happy for them!!!!

[petalynn]

Hi impatient1

I know exactly how you feel. I have had 10years of trying for our own baby. We managed to fall pregnant ourselves in 2000 but miscarried at 10wks. I was pregnant if only for a little while.

We are the only ones in our immediate family who don't have children. I learnt how to deal with it to an extent some time ago. I wouldn't wish infertility on any woman. It is for me at least - heartbreaking, humiliating, I feel inadequate as a woman, jealous and the list goes on.

BUT i still don't begrudge anyone who can have the child they dreamed of.

Christmas was a struggle though, we are starting a donor cycle hopefull in Feb/Mar and haven't told anyone but DH's sister-in-law about it. We sat at xmas breakfast with my sister-in-law pregnant and my other one talking about getting pregnant (she has 2 boys already) It hurt badly this Christmas - we were on the outside of the family it seemed as everyone fussed over our beautiful nephews and niece and their parents.

Your feelings are genuine but all I can advise is keep them in check and realise there are so many generous ladies on here who will listen and who can share in your experience.

Take care
Peta:hugs::hugs:

[petalynn]

OMG!!! willynilly,

I am sorry to say this BUT HOW BLOODY HEARTLESS of your ex-best friend.

I couldn't think of anything more painful to do.

Take care
Peta:wave:

[impatient1]

Its no wonder she is your ex-best friend.

It seems i am lucky that my friend and SIL understood how i would feel...

Yeh Peta i can only begin to imagine what you must have been feeling. I havn't been trying for anywhere near as long and Christmas is hard...we spent it with DH fam and we are the only ones left without kids. Was great playing with neices and nephews...
I don't think others truly know how you feel though.

Best of luck with the donor cycle.

I am trying my best to seem excited for them, but you are right i need to keep feeling in check and think of them and not myself.

[Nomsie]

Hey there,

have a browse of almost any of the TTC threads, and you will find one person or another lamenting over the fact that "so and so" just announced they were UTD (probably after a wild night on the town, or their DP was looking at them and they fell pg!).

Nope, it isn't fair. It's not like we all line up at the baby office, and some people get cutsies to the front of the line. At least then when we complain, someone could do something about it! :)

My sister is about to have the first grandchild for my mum and dad and her DH's mum and dad, and my Nana's first great grandchild in march. Of course I'm pooey, I know that could have been me. Well, it should have been me, but that's another story. Even though she is my older sister, I feel as though I should have been first. So yes, I was actually, literally ANGRY with her when I found out she was pg! Go figure! :rolleyes:

It is hard to tell everyone you are happy for them, especially when like me, no-one really knows you are TTC. And they always come in bursts, too- it's never just one person announcing, it's 2,4 or even 10 at a time! :rolleyes:

Trust me, EVERYONE always resents those who so easily get what we have to work so hard for what should be every womans right. :hugs:

[KatiesMum]

OMG Willynilly - that is more than heartless, that is just plain cruel.

Petalynn - I have been following your story .... best wishes for your donor cycle. Bev is an amazing person. :hugs: to both of you.

Impatient1 - it is incredibly difficult. I was trying for 4 years for DD ... didnt tell anyone .... with friends and family all getting pregnant and having babies around me. It was sssooooo hard. Have told family that we are doing IVF this time, so that is a little better ...... but nothing will make it easy for you. Best of luck.

[kathy_w]

Oh yeah, don't we all know how hard it can be! My older sister who has just gone off the pill, well she had 1 cycle and BAM, pregnant.. I said well I'm the dud of the family then because my twin sister just needs to snap her fingers and she's pregnant.. It is very hard to deal with, since we are in our 4th year of trying and then theres someone that only needs to try for 1 month and it works straight away....:rain:

[petalynn]

I don't think others truly know how you feel though.

It is very sad to say but yes others truly don't understand how we feel. And everyone feels differently and deals with it differently.



I am trying my best to seem excited for them, but you are right i need to keep feeling in check and think of them and not myself.

Please don't misunderstand me - went I mentioned try to keep your feelings in check - I meant for your well being not for others. I know how low you can get if you let your feelings overwhelm you. I can't tell you all the silly things I have thought and said, how utterly devastated I let myself get (to the point of wanting to walk away from my husband - not because I blamed him - but so he could find someone who could give him the family he wanted) And lots of other things. So I meant take care of yourself. Sorry if I didn't explain myself properly.

Take care:hugs:
Peta

[kittykatz]

:hugs: to all. I know exactly how you feel.

I am the oldest in my family, the oldest of cousins on mums side, and the oldest of my close group of friends. My cousin who is 8 years younger than me has 3 children now.

A close friend is getting married in March and will start TTC then. My SIL who is also 8 years younger than me announced via one of those email things where you answer all those questions that she is starting a family this year. It hit like a ton of bricks. I am not angry at these people, and i know how hard it is so want them to be sucessful with TTC, but there is nothing that can describe the hurt it causes.

DH's best friend and his partner decided to "go off the pill, because it could take up to 12 months to fall PG". She didn't even get an AF again, PG straight away, i found out about her PG the day i miscarried my first PG. So I had to go to her baby shower, christening etc. It literally broke my heart, but i could never feel mad at her (shes just too darn nice!).

Then my friend came to me around the same time to tell me she had fallen PG while on the pill with her now ex. She had an abortion :no:.

DH and i have been together for 12 years in May. We have been TTC for 2 years in April, but as for wanting children, i'd say that has been going on a decade....

[elwoodgal]

All the girls have summed it up really well. I hate the word 'Infertle' especially 'unexplained infertility'.
The down times have been really hard. In the past I have tried to ease the pain by shopping. Ended up with huge Credit Card bills. I also thought like Peta that maybe my partner would be better off with a younger new partner so that he could have the family he so desperately wanted. I have avoided friends with new born babies because it was just too hard to see couples so utterly besotted with their newborn.
The feelings of inadeqacy as a woman to not be able to have a child when it feels like everyone around you can is awful.
Big hugs to all in this position.:hugs:

elwoodgal

[forbetoel]

I think that those feelings are normal, and are really a reflection of your own grief, not any real resentment of your friends. Chances are they take a deep breath and kind of dread telling you their news, because they may also feel a bit guilty.
:hugs:

[mummynow]

Hi everyone :hugs:

Here is a copy of a post I made in another thread earlier today over in the IVF section but after reading all your posts I thought it fitted well in here too:

Hi All

I am CD12 today of my last natural cycle before FET next cycle. I too have my :fingerscrossed: that we will get a natural miracle this month.

I just wanted to share a little story that I had to deal with over the past couple of weeks. DH's sister came over from New Zealand with her DH to stay with us from Dec 20th - Jan 11th. It was lovely to see them.

But my AF was due Jan 31st and I had tried soooooo hard in December for a natural conception. I took blackmores conceive well gold, vitamin C, Evening primose oil, 100mg aspirin, folate, drank green tea, used pre-seed lube and drank heaps of water (helped that it was a hot month). DH took men's function support (mostly contains zinc) and also a multivitamin. We took temps everyday and used OPK's. Everything fell into place perfectly as far as timing and following temp chart etc. All was looking good.

Anyway about 27th Dec I started feeling emotional and *****y so figured it was probably PMT and started to get a bit down about it all. But still had high hopes anyway.

Then on New years eve SIL announces that she had been suspiscious since Christmas Day so today she had walked over to the chemist and bought a HPT and it confirmed she was pregnant. She was almost 2 weeks late for AF so she was approx 6 weeks pregnant. She said she had come off the pill mid September and her Dr had advised her not to TTC for the first 2 months to let her body re-regulate itself. Then on the 3rd cycle as advised by her Dr they got BFP naturally.

I wanted to be happy for her as it is her first child and my DD's first cousin and she & BIL were sooooo happy. But it was really hard and then to top it off less than 1 hour later I went to the loo and AF had just arrived :hissy:

Our relationship was a bit strained for most of the rest of the trip. We went camping for 5 nights from the 2nd of Jan too so combine being in the same house with another set of adults for 3 weeks & squished in the same tent for 5 nights (it has 3 seperate rooms though).... It was all just a bit too much for me. Things got a little heated now and then, but we parted on good terms yesterday at the airport. So I think everythings ok. It was just a really hard couple of weeks :hair: :crying:

P.S. Also a good friend had her second DD in November (after conceiving naturally on the first cycle after coming off the pill) and she had her gorgeous 6 week old bubs at the New years eve party we went too - not that it's her fault of course... it just adds to everything. And then another good friend (Sharai's SIL) had a c/section at 37 weeks yesterday (she had pre-eclampsia) and had her second DS (Congratulations to both families by the way). But it's just everywhere I turn.... What's wrong with me :crying:

[Wannabe Mummy 2008]

Hi Ladies,

I have just recently registered with bubhub as my husband and I have just recently tried to get pregnant TTC#1. This is only our second month and I was told by my GP that most couples that 6 to 12 months to conceive and told me not to worry ...

I know that is the case for most women but when I hear other women struggling to fall pregnant and then see young female teenagers getting pregnant by reckless actions it saddens me why life can't be fair to those women that genuinely have so much to offer a child be blessed with the same gift.

I try to be positive and I guess I'm also impatient and just pray that my husband and I will soon conceive without complications ...

My dilemma is this, my husband and I met over 3 years ago and got married last year ... he is 23 and I'm 28 ... with the age difference he can afford to wait to have a baby while with me pressing 30 my clock is ticking ... I just don't want to disappoint him thats all ... he wants to be a dad so much that I feel the pressure ...

When I got my period last month it was just after christmas and was 5 days late so I thought I might be but when it turned up I was devastated ...

I'm currently trying to monitor my O using the maybe baby as I can't tell or never monitored it before ... i tested it on friday and then again yesterday and it indicated that I was fertile but when I tested it today I was infertile ... I have been diligent in testing every morning ... does the window for O'ing only last a couple of days? I'm so confused I just don't want to miss out on the window of opportunity so to speak:(

[wannabemum]

Just wanted to send you all some love and hugs. I can't imagine what you are all going through :(, prayers are being sent your way
:hugs::hugs::hugs:

Was just on a crystal website and for fertility it is suggested to carry with you a Smokey Quartz or Rose Quartz. Worth a shot.

xxx

[wannabemum]

Wannabe Mummy, :wave: 28 is not over the hill hunny, you have plenty of baby making years ahead of you :yes:.
I used a thermometer each morning to get my temperature and also ovulation tests everyday from about 1 week to 3 weeks after my period to see when I was ovulating. Then mapped these onto my chart on fertilityfriend.com

More advice) the ovulation tests never had a 2nd line darker than the first, but for me that meant I was ovulating anyway :confused:, just bed that man as soon as you think you are!!! Oh and you might only ovulate for a day, so lots of baby making action for the day before, day of and day after your suspected ovulation.

Wishing you all love and happiness and ofcourse to be blessed with babies :hugs:

[JackzMumma]

It must be hard watching everyone around you fall pregnant, when you're having troubles. But as 1 of the one's that fell pregnant after 1 cycle, in the meantime my best friend of 16 years trying so hard to conceive for years. I felt guilty, and didn't want to tell her, because I didn't want her hating me. And to top it off, she fell pregnant the month after me but she lost her baby, she was born sleeping, 2 weeks after I had my DS2. From an outsiders point of view I feel for you, and every1 else in the same boat. :hugs:Good luck for a happy future.

[Wannabe Mummy 2008]

Thanks wannabemum ... I think I might try taking my temperature to have that additional help to find out when i'm o'ing.

I guess i'm just being impatient ... we had a client come to our office who had his son with him during his appointment and I couldn't stop looking at his beautiful little boy, just sitting quietly on his daddys leg smiling ... i just wanted to pick him up and cuddle him ...

Also this week I found out one of my friends is 3 months pregnant and had been trying for 5 months ... I'm just so jealous but at the same time try to be happy as she has helped me through the bad times in my life after leaving an abusive relationship of two years and giving me the encouragement that I needed when my husband entered my life to trust again ... while my long time friends abandoned me ... so i want to be as supportive to her as she was with me no matter what ...

yesterday i realised just how seriously lucky i am to find my husband ... he is so domesticated its not funny ... he even cleaned the two bathrooms for me yesterday as he said it was too hot for me to be doing chores ... my mother in law did well:hugs:

[WorkingClassMum]

I am probably a little bit out of place posting here, as I now have kids.

It took me 10 years to have DS but no-one knew, and DD just followed.

I have Sis#2 who is TTC, and SIL#2 was TTC but has given up. Sis#1 has now has foster kids.

When it was time to tell people our news, it dawned on me that Sis#2 also had to be told. It weighed heavily on me for ages, and I didn't know how to do it. I wanted to do it tactfully.

Step-monster took things into her own hands, and apparently Sis#2 didn't take it very well - by then they TTC for 12 years. Sis#2 became emotional and hysterical. But at least she was told in the privacy of her own home with her DH - not in public.

When I saw her a few weeks later she seemed genuinely glad for us - but I could see the reflection of the hurt and pain in her eyes - it was how I'd been feeling for 10 years. I made TOH tell her about DD.

I'd watched all my SSis's (4) all just have kid after kid, all of them skinny yummy mummies. My SSis#1 - the same age as me - is now a Gmother!

If people know that your TTC and they fall pregnant - just how do they tell you?

And if people don't know......?

I'd make you all pregnant if I could - but I can't. But I've been where you are - and I've been on the other side.

[Wannabe Mummy 2008]

Wannabemum ... with taking the temperature, how can you tell if your o'ing ... is it when your temperature drops or go up slightly?

Also I might sound naive here but i just want to ask ... with o'ing you can only o once during your cycle? so for example if some reason my husband and I miss the o'ing window ... we will not get another chance during that cycle ... would mean we would have to wait for my next cycle ... is that correct ...

so going by the results from the maybe baby ... if i o'ing on 11th & 12 my husband and I should be going for it a day before the 11th & day after 12 as well to increase chances ... is that correct or like some of what these other ladies are doing every other day?

i'm so confused ... i just hope i dont come out sounding like a TTC virgin ... :confused:

[willynilly]

Wannabemum ... with taking the temperature, how can you tell if your o'ing ... is it when your temperature drops or go up slightly?

Also I might sound naive here but i just want to ask ... with o'ing you can only o once during your cycle? so for example if some reason my husband and I miss the o'ing window ... we will not get another chance during that cycle ... would mean we would have to wait for my next cycle ... is that correct ...

so going by the results from the maybe baby ... if i o'ing on 11th & 12 my husband and I should be going for it a day before the 11th & day after 12 as well to increase chances ... is that correct or like some of what these other ladies are doing every other day?

i'm so confused ... i just hope i dont come out sounding like a TTC virgin ... :confused:

How diddly doodly :wave:
OK with temping, your temp will usually drop (not everyone's does though) just before O. Then it WILL stay elevated above your usual temps for at least four days www.fertilityfriend.com (http://www.fertilityfriend.com) is a great site to help you keep track and will point out your O's for you.


You can O twice in one cycle but it is VERY rare,


And you should start BD'ing around seven days before O'ing and 24 hours after O. Every second day or 36 hours for maximum potency, every 24hours is acceptable though. My SIL did it 3 times a day and that worked for her so.............

GOOD LUCK with your up coming :bfp: :flowerz:

[KatiesMum]

Hi

Most people (esp here) use a combination of temping, monitoring there cm and o pains as well as often some kind of ovulation predictor (either urine tests or maybe baby type saliva tests)

Some things to be noted

1) temping is very useful for establishing when you did o - past tense. It does not help you to predict o.

Always keep in mind that other things in your life also affect your basal body temp (outside temp, hrs sleeping and depth of sleep, general health, and many many other factors) so you need to temp for a few cycles to establish your normal patterns. Temping is really only useful after you have established what is normal for you.

2) cm and o pains. During the time approaching your fertile period your body will normally make extra ewcm. This cm carries your DP's swimmers to the fallopian tube and is quite important in the overall scheme of things. The problem is that women produce different amounts of cm in general and ewcm at different times in their cycle. Some will produce a lot, others not much. Again, monitoring it is very useful after you have established what is normal for you. If you dont produce much, drinking green tea is supposed to assist....

3) Ovulation predictors. These will actually predict o rather than just help you identify when it did happen..... but dont work for everyone. Urine tests measure LH and saliva tests measure Oestrogen (I think....) which all women have in there system at o time .....but in vastly different amounts. Some do not have enough of these hormones to register ...and others have enough during the rest of the cycle to give posative tests all the time.

Unfortunately, predicting o is sometimes a very tricky thing ...which is why you get lots of people saying to bd every 2nd day for a couple of weeks at least, and extra whenever you have ewcm. If you can pinpoint when you o, bd'ing every day around o is a good idea. (The only time this is too much is if DP has problems with his swimmers ....which if you are just starting out all you can do is assume not.)

Hope this helps....and good luck.
:hugs: :fingerscrossed: :baby: :babydust2:

[cluckyally]

Hello,
yes i know this feeling very well. It seems all my friends are having babies these days while Im clucky as hell and single. im there at their engagement party, bridesmaid at their wedding, then comes the baby shower and then a gorgeous little miracle, i cant help but be jealous. I am happy for them, its good to see most people have the happy little family unit. im just sad its not me, and i wonder why it hasnt happened to me....yet (never give up hope).

[kas3]

Yeah, it's a horrible feeling. My DH and I haven't been ttc'ing for long - since August 07 - but we miscarried in October 07. Since then, two of my SILs have had their second child. We are the only couple in my family (brothers and sisters I mean) who don't have kids. To top it off, one of my friends had a baby two weeks ago, and I have another three ready to drop in the next month or two. Don't beat yourself up about it - it really is completely normal to have these feelings. My saving grace is that I haven't met any of these newborns yet. I reckon I'm going to be a mess when that happens.

regards
kas

[pippi]

I think for all TTCers these feelings are completly normal. I have been TTCing since Sept 05 and have unexplained infertility. Being 27, everyone around me is pregnant, just had a baby or has children. It hurts like you wouldnt beleive and days when i meet newborns or go to baby showers are really hard. Everyone knows we TTCing but its been so long now people forget and just tell us to relax (:banghead:). I think we all know people who fall pg by looking at their partners or fall really easily. The worst one in my life is my DH bestfriend and his wife who fell pg in first month of trying. She has endo and smokes and drinks. Dont get me wrong i adore her, her boys and am happy for them but it did leave me feeling so down....

I dont think there is anyway to make these feelings go away other than getting pg yourself! i have only found one thing that helps me...

I always try to be grateful that i have these beautiful babies in my life that i can cuddle if i feel like it. I have learned so much from watching my friends and family have their babies that i feel i will be a better mum than i would have if id fallen straight away. I also try to thank the powers that be that all these people can fall pg and no one else is going thru what we are. I wouldnt wish it on anyone. Now im no saint, i dont feel this all the time but i have found over time if i try and change the way i look at it then sometimes it doesnt hurt so much.

I have one GF who has been TTCing a year longer than me and if i fall before her it will break my heart to tell her and im sure she feels the same way. but honestly if she fell i would feel jelous but i would be so happy that this horrible TTC journey is over for her that i think it would over ride it. I certainly wouldnt ever show her that i was jelous.

Hopeing and wishing that we all BFP's really soon:fingerscrossed: