View Full Version : She isn't any different to me!
my4princesses
11-01-2008, 13:39
My 2nd daughter now aged 2, is the result of a rape by an unidentified perpetrator. I found out I was pregnant when I was 25 weeks. Maybe I knew before that, but I was in a bit of denial, and my head just wasn't right.
She is the most beautiful child, so kind hearted, and the most loving little beetle you would ever meet. My DH has raised her as his own, and she will not know any different.
But both my family and the inlaws treat her like she is just a burden on everybody. It really hurts.
She had some severe medical problems, that had her hospitalised, and she now suffers constant seizures, and is now unable to move her tongue which prohibits her speaking a lot as everything sounds slurred.
The family seemed to take great pride in telling all the medical staff that she wasn't fully 'ours' and that this illness must have come from the perpetrator, as there is no way any of 'their' children would give a child this.
She had a stroke, a natural occurence, it wasn't passed down by ANYBODY!
They just make it seem like theyre so ashamed of her.
Sorry this is so long, I just am getting to the point where I just want to hold her and tell everybody else to *&%k off. She isn't any different to me!
HugsAndKisses
11-01-2008, 13:45
awww ur poor DD...dont listen to any of them hun...she sounds like a beautifull child and she should not suffer there harsh treatment because of how she came to be born....she is as innocent as every other child and im sure u and ur hubby love her deeply:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
They are very wrong to burden their anger for him onto her. She does not need that in her life. They really need to be told that she is your and DH's 4th daughter and that if they still have issues, they should seek counselling for their anger.
In they can't respect the love and joy you have found in your child and the absolute wonder that she is, you may have to ask them to remain out of yours and her lives until they can. It is very harsh, but her psychological wellbeing is at stake.
You are right to want to hold her tight to protect her from this.
hayleysmummy
11-01-2008, 13:48
First of all I dont really know what to say about this situation I am so sorry this happened to you.
But you have a beautiful 2 year old daughter and she is yours yes she is apart of you and your family needs to understand this it brings tears to my eyes when you said they tell people she isnt fully yours/theirs that disgusts me
:hugs: Humunguos hugs to you hun I really hope they wake up to themselves but she is yours and your DH's child and she knows you both love her with all your heart that is what will mean most to her :hugs:
forbetoel
11-01-2008, 13:48
OMG!!! I am so freaking angry at your family right now! How could they put their own anger and grief onto a defensless little child, who is here like all of us, through no fault of our own. They need to not only grow up, but to seek some sort of help.
What sort of self esteem is she going to grow up with when family members have cast her as an outsider. I seriously don't know what to say, I just want to give you and your DD a big hug.
She is here, she is a blessing to you and your family. My friends little boy had a stroke when he was a year old, and you are right, it could and does happen to anyone. I would honestly cut both families out of your childrens lives if they are going to continue being so bloody cruel, childish and well I won't even say anymore.
I really admire you, you are amazing. :hugs:
LilShenanigans
11-01-2008, 13:49
:hugs: I'd be telling everyone exactly that... You don't feel she is different therefore she isn't. It's not anyone elses place to judge her, only to love her.
If they can't do that, do you want these people around to be a constant reminder to her that the conception wasn't ideal?
Talk to the family if need be, I'd be telling them you have a choice between raising your beautiful daughter the best you can or allowing family to cause her psychological damage she in no way has responsilibity for.
I think your family needs a verbal tongue lashing.. Your dd didnt ask to be concieved under those circumstances.. Children are not stupid, and if they keep treating and speaking of her differently, she's going to know something is different about it.
Dont bite your tongue.. Tell them not to be so rude and cruel, and respect your dd as you and your dh's child just like the others, and if they cant do that, distance yourself from them until they can...
Do you think they do it with intent to hurt, or in a malicious way? If not, perhaps they just need a bit of a wake up call... But if they do, perhaps the distance is better for a while anyhow :hugs:
LovingMumOf3
11-01-2008, 13:52
That makes me so sad to hear that they feel (and speak)about your little girl this way.She didn't ask to be born and certainly should not be blamed for the crime that happened to you(sorry to hear about what happened). How dare they treat an innocent little child in this way and in my opinion they don't deserve to be a part of her life.She deserves nothing less than the love and security and pride of her family and if they can't give her that then bleep off to them. :yelclap:to you for being such a loving Mum and to your DH also as it sounds like he is a wonderful man raising your little girl as his own.I wish you all the happiness that life can bring.:goodvibes:
Serendipity07
11-01-2008, 13:55
It saddens me to hear that the people who you are suppose to trust the most are letting you down in such a big way. Regardless of how she got here; she is an innocent child. I can't believe ADULTS can be so immature and heartless with their attitude towards her. Thank god both you and your partner are so loving. That is all she needs. :thumbsup:
Your daughter sounds beautiful and you sound like a caring and loving mum.
It made me very angry to read how your family are treating her though. It's not good for her self-confidence and she'll grow up thinking and knowing that she's treated differently and that's really sad. Please protect her and tell your family straight out about the consequences that may happen because of their despicable behaviour. If they don't stop I'd personally stop seeing them for the sake of your daughter's self worth. Good luck
As hard as it might (or might not) be I would be having a serious discussion with both sides of the family about this,If you and your husband have decided that he will accept her and raise her as his child and she is not going to know any different then they need to Back the &*%^ off and let that happen. He may not be her biological father but he is her DADDY. If they choose not to respect you guys and the way you have chosen to do this then I would not have them in your life. Because it is them disrespecting you.
I understand that while they might be angry it by no means makes their behaviour ok.
forbetoel
11-01-2008, 14:04
Sorry I am back again. I can't stop thinking about your poor DD.
You really need to let your families know that if they can't get over thier own hang ups then they won't be welcome in your home. Kids have a hard enough time these days gaining self esteem for it to be ripped away by family members.
I think you need to tell them exactly what you've told us.
By the sounds of it your gorgeous DD is your's and your DH's daughter forever, exactly like my daughter is mine and my DH's.
Your family need to know this.
:hugs: you sound like you're doing extremely well under the circumstances, but not your family.
I think your family needs a verbal tongue lashing.. Your dd didnt ask to be concieved under those circumstances.. Children are not stupid, and if they keep treating and speaking of her differently, she's going to know something is different about it.
Dont bite your tongue.. Tell them not to be so rude and cruel, and respect your dd as you and your dh's child just like the others, and if they cant do that, distance yourself from them until they can...
Do you think they do it with intent to hurt, or in a malicious way? If not, perhaps they just need a bit of a wake up call... But if they do, perhaps the distance is better for a while anyhow :hugs:
:iagree:
Huge :hugs::hugs: for you and your DD.
my4princesses
11-01-2008, 14:08
None of our other children know any different, and they see how she is being treated though, because they're always saying don't be mean to *******.
I have spoken to my mother about this before, and she told me she thinks I am just ashamed because I dont tell everybody how she came to be here. I'm not ashamed though, I just dont feel like it is anyones business.
I think the best thing for her is to tell them all to take a hike. They don't understand that I have days where I really cant bare to hear things like that, as it all comes flooding back.
WorkingClassMum
11-01-2008, 14:15
She is a child of choice
You could have aborted her, or given her up for adoption, or smothered her as a baby
You AND her Daddy choose to keep her and love her - and the biggest congratulations for such a difficult choice
Your DD has a hard road to travel anyhow with her circumstance and her illness and does not need to be discriminated against. She needs if anythong more loving and understanding than most.
Your family are small minded bigots, who choose to punish a victim for circumstances beyond her control.
If you cannot tell them how you feel, write them a letter from you AND your husband and spell it out. If they cannot accept her and cannot deal with her conception - then they have problems - not you
Both your and your husbands courage is amazing, and no doubt your daughter will be just as an amazing person. Such a strong little fighter deserves recognition
I think you've got your answer is your own post... Tell them to take a hike :) Your night, it really is not anyone elses business but your own :hugs:
If your children see that shes being treated differently, its only a matter of time before they ask you questions as to why.
my4princesses
11-01-2008, 14:22
I'm going to write the letter!
That way I can say what I want without being interrupted or being told off for being 'rude'.
I will write it out and then give it to DH to read. I am sure he has things to write in it also, then I will post it.
The thing is she loves them so much, and theyre missing out on that because they choose to be nasty.
I have a lot of anger for what happened to, more so than they do I would say. But I love her to pieces. It was not her fault, she is completely innocent.
WorkingClassMum
11-01-2008, 14:24
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:give all your daughters an extra hug from all of us
SimplyMum
11-01-2008, 14:27
I completely sympathise. If (god forbid) I was in the same circumstance I would change anything to how you have handled it.
I don't think there is any reason to burden this gorgeous lil girl on how she was conceived. A beautiful life has come from a devestating situation- can't they embrace that?
Good idea to write the letter. These people need to stop treating her so different, she deserves love and care as much as the next person.
KatiesMum
11-01-2008, 14:31
Huge :hugs: x a million for you and your DD.
The letter is a great idea .... and if they cant accept your DD for the beautiful princess she is then tell them to take a hike!!!!!
I have spoken to my mother about this before, and she told me she thinks I am just ashamed because I dont tell everybody how she came to be here. I'm not ashamed though, I just dont feel like it is anyones business.
No you are not ashamed of her, you are protecting your child to the best of your ability. IT IS DEFINATELY NO ONES BUSINESS TO KNOW HOW SHE CAME TO BE HERE.
I have friends with step kids that they do not broadcast as being step parents(not that I am saying it is the same) but the people in those situations will tell whoever they feel necessary in due course.
I have a half brother that i grew up thinking was my full brother, the father did a runner on my mum(she was 16 and just 17 when he was born)and even though deep down my brother now knows the truth he refuses to accept it, and will not tell anyone, because he had 2 loving parents and thats all that he needed. My DAD is his DAD and always has been, that is all he has every known and he is very happy with that.
If the rest of the family have this attitude I would be telling them they are not welcome in my house while ever they continute to be like that.
OMG!!! I am so freaking angry at your family right now! How could they put their own anger and grief onto a defensless little child, who is here like all of us, through no fault of our own. They need to not only grow up, but to seek some sort of help.
What sort of self esteem is she going to grow up with when family members have cast her as an outsider. I seriously don't know what to say, I just want to give you and your DD a big hug.
She is here, she is a blessing to you and your family. My friends little boy had a stroke when he was a year old, and you are right, it could and does happen to anyone. I would honestly cut both families out of your childrens lives if they are going to continue being so bloody cruel, childish and well I won't even say anymore.
I really admire you, you are amazing. :hugs:
:iagree:
You are truly amazing, I admire you also.:hugs:
forbetoel
11-01-2008, 16:56
It is no bodies business but your own how your little girl came into the world. I don't know how your mother can think that shame is the reason why you don't want to tell people that you were raped and your DD is the product of it. Your daughter is more than just a product of rape, she is a beautiful little individual who doesn't need to be described to other people that way. Your mum should be very ashamed of herself.
None of our other children know any different, and they see how she is being treated though, because they're always saying don't be mean to *******.
I have spoken to my mother about this before, and she told me she thinks I am just ashamed because I dont tell everybody how she came to be here. I'm not ashamed though, I just dont feel like it is anyones business.
I think the best thing for her is to tell them all to take a hike. They don't understand that I have days where I really cant bare to hear things like that, as it all comes flooding back.
How wonderful that your children love each other so much that they feel strong enough to tell their grandmother etc off. That is a credit to you :yelclap:.
Your mother should also see this as the ultimate proof that your daughter is a firm, permanent and much loved family member.
I don't understand what she expects you to do when you intro her to other ppl -
Hi this is **** she is here because of ..., her sister *** was unplanned/ planned and **** well we just don't talk about how she came about. Really, what an utterly stupid thing to expect you to tell ppl. That is NOT a NORMAL conversation :no:.
:shame::shame: on your mother.
Mamalicious
11-01-2008, 19:07
How's letter writing going?
Good on you both for sticking up for yourselves, I can't believe what you are being put through, by your own family! :banghead:
Your mother should be ashamed of herself, what kind of erson expects someone to broadcast that about their child?! NO!!!!
I'm fuming for you, how devastating that your DD has to be around those kinds of people.
What a lucky little girl to have you and your DH as Mamma and Daddy, and to have such loving siblings. :goodvibes:
If it were me and my family, I would cut them out, no questions asked.
Snip, snip, outta the picture.
Good luck with this, you are all incredible.
maybe in the letter you should explain to your mother/family that it is small minded idiots like them theat reinforce the fact that you dont want other people to know. I mean if her own family treat her like that what potentially are you opening her up to. Something like "sorry guys but we have a duty to protect OUR daughter from this kind of **** and it starts here, see you later!"
I just want to say that I think you and your husband are amazing. You would have hoped/expected that your family would be able to accept your beautiful little girl, but just remember that you are now your own little family and within your own family she is a much loved and cherished member.
What a blessed little girl to have you both as her parents.
Sending you big:hugs:
I have spoken to my mother about this before, and she told me she thinks I am just ashamed because I dont tell everybody how she came to be here. I'm not ashamed though, I just dont feel like it is anyones business.
She is a child of choice
You could have aborted her, or given her up for adoption, or smothered her as a baby
You AND her Daddy choose to keep her and love her - and the biggest congratulations for such a difficult choice
Your DD has a hard road to travel anyhow with her circumstance and her illness and does not need to be discriminated against. She needs if anythong more loving and understanding than most.
Your family are small minded bigots, who choose to punish a victim for circumstances beyond her control.
If you cannot tell them how you feel, write them a letter from you AND your husband and spell it out. If they cannot accept her and cannot deal with her conception - then they have problems - not you
Both your and your husbands courage is amazing, and no doubt your daughter will be just as an amazing person. Such a strong little fighter deserves recognition
BRILLIANT POST Katye!
.
Hi this is **** she is here because of ..., her sister *** was unplanned/ planned and **** well we just don't talk about how she came about. Really, what an utterly stupid thing to expect you to tell ppl. That is NOT a NORMAL conversation :no:.
:shame::shame: on your mother.
:iagree: Exactly what I was going to say.
I have a good friend who was concieved under the same circumstances as your daughter. His Mum never broadcasts the fact, of course he knows.... but he is now 27. She will talk about it, but only once she knows you. She was only 15 at the time, and her parents were really hard on her, but regardless of conception, all children are a gift from God. And HE has put her on this planet for a REASON. SHE has a right to grow up loved, cherished and PROTECTED by the people around her.
Your parents and PIL's are small minded idiots with sh!t for brains. She is a CHILD, she is INNOCENT. She didn't choose to jump into the sperm of a rapist, she is a BLESSING.
:hugs: to you and DH.
My DH and I have talked about that type of thing, if it ever happened we'd be exactly the same, she/he would be OUR child. Anyone can be a sperm donor, it takes years to be a Father.
MoOaNdLiTtLePoPpEt
11-01-2008, 20:00
:hugs::hugs::hugs: to you!!
You need to tell your family that their words hurt and upset you...and are very inappropriate (she will be old enuf to understand what they are saying soon)...
this little girl is YOUR daughter, part of YOU!!! She is a beautiful, innocent little girl...
this makes me so angry, if it were my family i would have a lot to say!!! and maybe even cut them out of the picture as it wont be good as your daughter grows up and understands what they are saying...it is so so so wrong of them!!!
Your mother should be ASHAMED of herself...
i agree with the other posts....
I think you REALLLY need to stand your ground!
You sound like a beautiful mum and your daughter is so lucky to have you, her dad and her siblings....and have so much beautiful love around her....that is what she needs, not people like your family!!!
Cheekychops
11-01-2008, 20:15
:( I'm so sad to hear how much trouble your family is giving you... they need to wake up to themselves and see the blessing right in front of them... your beautiful daughter!! I can't understand how they won't let it go, except to say that maybe somehow your mother feels guilty or defensive for you... like holding your grudge for you (my mum used to do this!).... I think a letter explaining your true feelings is a good idea cause they can't argue with you and confuse you with what you are saying, and then have you not saying everything you need to.
You are an amazing woman and a wonderful mother... I can tell you love your daughter just as your other daughters and they are all precious to you :thumbsup: Try to keep your chin up...
Lastcenturymum
11-01-2008, 20:21
What irresponsible relatives!!!:banghead:
I would seriously have nothing to do with them, but I guess that is a bit extreme. I would certainly sit them down and tell them how insensitive they are not only to what you went through (reminding you constantly) but about the life you love and are treating with such love and care.
Every time they say something I would remind them they are putting down your daughter.
Grrrr :shame: at them and :hugs: for you and your DD and DH
Pauline70
11-01-2008, 20:33
:hugs::hugs: to you and your DD. I don't know how people (especially family) could treat an innocent child that way:shame:. But they are sometimes the most opinionated. She didn't ask to be born and I think it's great that your partner is raising her as his own. Continue to love and nuture her and know that you are doing the very best you can for her.
vanillabean
11-01-2008, 20:40
You sound like a very strong person and I think your family is treating this innocent little child in a disgusting way. She probably needs more love and attention now than ever with her medical problems and for her own family to dismiss her like that breaks my heart:( If my children were treated like that (doesn't matter how they were conceived), I would for them because as others have said it is only a matter of time before she realises what they are doing.
benji's_mum
11-01-2008, 20:48
:hugs: your big heart inspires me and your DH sounds like an amazing man and father.
You need to sort out your family now... i cant begin to imagine the impact it will have on your little one later in life if she should overhear these ignorant, thoughtless, mean-spirited comments.
bronny-jane
11-01-2008, 20:48
your family need a slap upside the head, she's a child, your child... how could anyone speak so badly of a sweet little girl.. sure the circumstance she was created isnt ideal, but its not her fault..poor sweetie, at least she has you guys to love her.... i'd tell them all they were being c@cks, and to wake up
0BleSseD0
11-01-2008, 21:43
1: :yelclap: :hugs: for you. Although I cant speak from experience, you must be an immensely strong woman.
2: Where does your mother get off. I don't discuss the conception of my children, nor is it anyone elses business. It is your business and yours only, YOU should be the only one to tell people.
3: I am so filled with pride and admiration for you. I am so so so happy when I hear about how lucky that little girl is, and how much you love her.
You are such a beautiful loving mother...
P.S. I understand what you mean when you say you arent ashamed. I think (correct me if I'm wrong) that you don't want people knowing for your daughters sake (apart from the fact that its nobody business).
If you ever want to talk, I'm here. :wave: I always will be.
.....I just want to hold her and tell everybody else to *&%k off. She isn't any different to me!
Then do exactly that hun, tell them to back the hell off, don't let their negativity and pig headedness affect her, protect her and shield her from those idiots.
Sometimes miracles come from the most awful circumstances. Sounds like your special little girl is that miracle.
and...you sound like a truly wonderful mummy. :)
0BleSseD0
11-01-2008, 22:05
How is that letter doing?
Ive spent the last hour studying this thread, I just cant understand how your mother justifies her actions... :confused:
Oh, and if you have trouble writing a letter, you can always print out this thread or pick out statements or something. I'm sure none of the ladies would mind (I know I wouldnt) if you used something theyve said to help you explain things to your mother.
If your letter isnt successful and you do cut her out of your life, please dont feel bad. You and your DH are doing all of this for your wonderful daughter.
when you said "I just want to hold her and tell everybody else to just *beep* off" I had shivers down my spine and my whole body wept for your entire family.
My mother thinks my childrens father is a peadophile, and I just want to hold my babies and never let them be harmed by the harsh world that can sometimes seem to be so close.
I'm so glad I live in a world where there are people like you and your husband who will love and cherish a little girl, regardless of how she was conceived. It makes me happy to know that there is such love in this world. :)
Your parents and inlaws are missing out on something so precious.
butterflymagic
11-01-2008, 22:28
hey, stand up and be proud u have a beautiful daughter and sounds to me like u have a one in a million hubby to to take on a child that isnt urs is a hard thing to do, and he obviously loves her just as much as u do, if ur hubby can accept her then why cant ur family? if they upset u that much then maybe just limit seeing them at birthdays and christmas maybe then they might realise what they have lost.
jmo tho
:hugs: all round and extra big :hugs:for ur daughter
krystal
my4princesses
12-01-2008, 11:32
Thank you all so much, your kind words really mean a lot to my little girls, my DH and I :hugs:.
I wrote the letter last night, but then wanted to sleep on it, to see if I had anymore to say, and I did! I wrote an extra page. I guess I am a little different to my DH who was more of the mind to just cut everybody out, including his parents, and it would be no loss to him.
I guess I try to have a little more faith in people which isn't always a good thing. And I have never dealt to well with telling people what I think, as usually My mother would interrupt and turn it around to how awful I am etc.
I am glad I have done this though, and felt a huge weight come away when I closed the mailbox lid.
Again thank you so much, from me and my little angel :hugs:
Congrats on writing and sending the letter hun. I'm sure it took a lot of strength. I really hope it is the wake up call they need.
:hugs:
u poor thing, my heart goes out too you all, none of u deserve that xxxx
:hugs:
You know your daughter best.
mamainthebush
13-01-2008, 00:11
Best of luck with the letter!
Two years ago my mum and dad behaved extreamly bad towards me, my husband and my then newborn son. Things that was said you wouldn't beleive coming from your own family.
I could speak to my mum who was very sorry and we got a better relationship after that.
I wrote a very strong email to my father (who had been the really bad one) which I also sent to my aunty, uncle and cousin to show what kind of person he was. It is just recently he apologised to me and told me how sorry he was for everything.
What I want to say is that it is very hard to go against your family, but you have to do what is best for you and your husband and children. The ones who really loosing out is your parents. When you're getting old, your children are all you've got and it might take time but sooner or later they realise that.
My father found himself very lonely as everyone was discusted by his behaviour.
Best of luck for you and your wonderful family and you should be very proud of yourself!!!:yelclap:
our little treasures
13-01-2008, 00:26
Your DH and you are truly wonderful people who must have hearts of pure gold. Your daughter is obviously very special to both of you:hugs: I am glad your writing the letter as you sound much like me. I am sure your family love you very much but they need to love their grandchild just the same. I wonder if you could all see someone as I think that they are taking their anger of what happened to you out on your daughter.
Let us know how you go and I am afraid as much as you love your family if they can't come to terms with it then they shouldn't be apart of your family.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.1.9 Copyright © 2013 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.