Anything Good?

[Rajam]

I am a long time lurker and have been moved finally to make a post.

Mostly since all I have read is sad and bad news from partners of serving members.

I have been married to a sailor for 18 years. I met and married him while we were both very young and we have a 10yr old girl and a 3 yr old boy.

I have lived through many postings to unknown places, sea postings where he has been gone for months on end, scary times and missing him through so many significant happenings. Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmases, and other important dates have been and gone.

I am trying to understand that when they are away you want to have a whinge, but am truly and utterly amazed at how much you all complain without a mention of the benefits that you and more importantly your loved ones get. Now I KNOW how much it sucks when they aren't here, I also know about the heartache of missing them. Simply wanting them to be home safe.

Perhaps I am simply jaded and feel that you need to do the hard yards, but it makes me shake my head when you simply don't realise how much more family friendly the Def force is now.

Truly, do you think you have it bad?

[sharvs]

All good points but sometimes we just need to vent to someone that understands us, rather than taking it out on the serving member. I am extreamly proud of my fiancee and tell him that regularly. When he calls me, he doesnt need to hear that I am lonely or not coping - that is why I need to get it off my chest.

Maybe you have had better support from the Defence Force than myself, maybe I don't go looking for it like I should but how is 'Family Friendly'?

My partner is a 'Private' so he is at the bottom of the food chain. We are struggling financially because he is in Melbourne for the Comm Games. He regularly has to make trips into Melb AT HIS OWN EXPENSE! The ADF is not paying his train tickets or even giving him a meal allowance whilst he is away. He is not getting any bush pay or compensation for living out of a tent for 8 weeks. Hence my 12 week old and I are going short on groceries etc until he comes home. If you call that 'family friendly' then we will just have to agree to disagree.

[MilkOnTap]

Rajam - thank you for your input. All very valid points I might add too.

I dont know what situation you are in as far as support goes. Let me explain my situation for you. That way, perhaps my 'whinge-factor' may be understood?

When I met my husband, I understood that he was in the defence force and that his career would dictate where we live and the way we live.

Your right - there are definitely benefits to having a spouse in the defence force. Cheap mortgage rates, RA (Rent Assistence), extra danger money when they are in open warfare situations. Of course, all these financial benefits are definitely available for us to use, and we certainly make the most of them. Upon my husbands returns from Iraq we should have all our debts paid off (car loans, wedding etc) and also a tidy little deposit for a home loan.

What we are venting about here however, are the pitfalls to our husbands, partners, etc being away for long periods of time. For example, in my situation, I left my family, my friends, my soaring career, my beautiful home and my stable comfortable life to move to a city which I already despised. Personally, I would sacrifice the financial gain for my husbands safety and family support any day.

My husband and I are TTC at the moment, efforts made very difficult when he is away for 6 months at a time. We have already suffered two ectopic pregnancies, and surviving those challenging times without the support of family or friends living nearby was VERY difficult, to say in the least.

Personally, I dont feel as though the Defence Force are totally family friendly. Though, as you say - it comes with the territory. I have contacted DCO in an attempt to arrange assistance and support for myself and they basically told me that the best way for me to receive support is to move back to where my family are. As far as making the move goes however, I would have to pay all financial expenses myself. Certainly the role of DCO is to arrange assistance - where in my situation there was no assistance provided.

The best way for me personally, to gain strength through situations when our husbands are away is to get support. BubHub has given me so much support through the loss of my two babies, TTC and now with the deployment of my husband, that I will continue 'venting' when I feel that I need a bit of an extra pat on the shoulder.

Perhaps you are a stronger person than Sharvs and I; but I certainly dont feel that I am doing a bad job at supporting my husband in an attempt to keep his morale high. I am a loving wife to a loving husband; Of course I wish that my husband were homel; but I dont feel any shame in admitting so, and I dont intend on being quiet about it either.

[diamonds22]

Hi sharvs,

Just a quick one...I'm a Clerk in the Air Force and your hubby should not under and circumstance be paying for his own tickets/meals ect for work related travel ...and he should definitely be getting Field Allowance for when he’s out bush...I know this because I process travel and work in Pay Section (for all defence services)

He should get in contact with his local Shopfront, travel or pay sec..or ask his superiors for help because it sounds like he is not getting his correct entitlements and unfortunately sometimes if you don’t ask..no one will offer information..They just presume you know (trust me same thing happened to me!)..get him to start looking in the PACMAN for his on benefit and better understanding of how the system works.

(P.S in the meantime...make sure he’s keeping all his train/cab receipts...members should not be out of pocket for work related travel and he should be getting reimbursed!!)

[sharvs]

HI Diamonds

Thanks for your advice, i will tell him to look into it.

Apparently they were meant to get bush pay but it changed at the last minute (not sure why). Anyway, they all had a whinge about it and the CO was going to go down there to speak to them about it. Last minute he pulled out (reason unknown) so they were told that this is just the way it is.

I will tell him to keep receipts etc.

It p**ses me off that we are out of pocket because he is away doing his job. I believe all the soldiers from his company are in the same situation.

Thanks again
Sharon

[amandajane]

Rajam, thank you thank you thank you for your input, you are a braver woman than me.

Ally you have every right to vent with friends, but maybe if you could do most of it a little more privately. There are plenty of new defence spouses out there (and reading this), like yourself having enough of a hard time coping without having to hear such negativity. Im not saying we should sugar coat our lives because we do do it extremly tough.
I assumed this topic was for us to support each other. There are loop holes and there are things we are entitled to that we are not told about. We should be asking and sharing here, just like Sharon and diamonds have.

I will have to agree that DCO are useless (and I have spent a lot of time with them over the last couple of weeks), but there are other places for support.

So lastly to answer your question Rajam, these are my personal perks for having been a defence spouse for the past 8 years:
* living in Darwin for 15 months, we got to use our RLLT to go overseas twice.... for free!
* I love the fact that I can say in 8 years of marriage I have lived in 5 states and 6 different houses.
* I have seen much more of this country than I ever thought I would, from Broome to Perth to Darwin to Melborne to Cairns all because of my husbands career.
* when my DH is home he is a truly devoted and involved Dad, and I believe it IS largely because he is away often.
* our family have a financial stability. I know my husband will never be made redundant and in 5 years time if he decides to get out he will have more career options than any other 35 year old I know.
* I am so proud of him.
* I have made the strongest friendships with other defence wives that have stood through distance and other barriers.
* and the best of all we are moving to California for 18 months in May!!! :smiliedance:

Amanda

[Rajam]

Thank you all for your replies.

I will admit to some trepadation in posting. However I am pleased to see my post replied to.

Ally, I am wondering exactly what support you are looking for. Granted you are in a difficult situation, but really no different to thousands of other women.

Thank you most especially to amandajane, that is exactly what I was looking for!

[MilkOnTap]

We have already suffered two ectopic pregnancies, and surviving those challenging times without the support of family or friends living nearby was VERY difficult, to say in the least.
....
The best way for me personally, to gain strength through situations when our husbands are away is to get support. BubHub has given me so much support through the loss of my two babies, TTC and now with the deployment of my husband, that I will continue 'venting' when I feel that I need a bit of an extra pat on the shoulder

Amanda - firstly I should apologise for any 'negativity' that I put forward via my previous post. My intention was solely to explain my situation. Unfortunately it isn't a positive situation to be in, so any negative vibes are certainly unintentional.


Truly, do you think you have it bad?
No. You are right. I dont have it 'bad'. My personal situation is a lot more favourable than a lot of family circumstances. I was simply attempting to point out that I dont agree with the defence force sending family members on deployments for 6 months (and the rest!)


I love the fact that I can say in 8 years of marriage I have lived in 5 states and 6 different houses. That is fantastic that you can be so optimistic about moving. In 2 and a half years I have lived in 4 states in 7 houses. I am certainly awaiting some form of stability!!!

And also that you have had opportunities to meet other defence force wives. I have never met any myself, and would LOVE to find out where they all meet and support each other.

I never intended to begin a slanging match - however I feel that I need to stand up for myself. I am not afraid to admit that I am a 'people-person' and I truly need people and human contact daily to sustain any form of mental stability. Explaining this to some random on a telephone at DCO does not provide me with any source of substance - so I make the effort to go further and thus, have moved interstate (yet again) to be closer to family support.

Amandajane - that is fantastic that you are able to keep so incredibly optimistic. I truly hope some of that rubs off on me.

Best Wishes,
Ally