Long one - fight with alcoholic brother..

[Kells]

Hi,
I have just come back from my niece's 10th birthday party after losing my temper and walking out.. I feel SO bad. :banghead:

Here's the story....basically, my brother (her dad) is an alcoholic and will not admit it. At all. It's ok to drink a carton of beers by yourself each night and not eat and forget to do things etc etc...

Anyway...today, being my nieces bday, she had a party for her friends from 1 - 5 and then family for tea (both sets of g/parents, auntys, uncles etc). We got there at 1 cos she wanted my kids as part of her party. No worries. Happy to be there cos I love my nieces to bits and try to do lots for them. (Apart from living with him, they have no money, weight problems, no 'cool' stuff and live in a really run down house that is rarely cleaned and has flys and mice rife thru the place - it really is gross) But my brother invited his friend over for the party, they proceded to start drinking, and then the friend was yelling abuse at the 9 yr olds for being noisy (calling these kids little b*tches and to f off and stuff). I just couldnt stand it, so went inside and did dishes and helped my SIL get stuff ready.

After a few more beers, my brother comes in and said 'whats wrong with you?" - everyone who doesn't get ****ed at a 10 year olds party has a problem, see. I just said I didn't want to be out there while the friend was talking like that to the kids. My brother said he'd go and speak to him which he did, and then instead of swearing the friend started just saying "well, if everyones offended you can all 'f' off and fill in the blanks!" (he actually said f and not the word..) he repeated this over and over and no one reacted but his g/friend and they had a fight.

At 5.00 my brother lights the bbq and at 6.45 is still sitting there drinking. (by this stage was completely off his head and good for nothing - pretty sure he smoked some dope during this time too). My kids were screaming and being ratty cos they were so hungry, everyone was getting a bit impatient (meals are always 4 hours late cos of his drinking) and so I just got up and said, 'i'm gonna go, you and trev have a good night drinking'. (didn't yell or anything, but was on the verge of losing control if i'd stayed longer - I mean - it's his daughters friggen bday party!!!!) But I remained pretty calm and couldnt talk to him.

Bear in mind all the g/parents are there - i mean, you at least put on a good impression!! (No I am not an anti drinking/anti swearing freak, but choose your time and place IYKWIM)

Oh my god..just realised how long this was..sorry, needed to vent obviously!!

To cut it short, we left, my SIL was crying cos she is married to an alcoholic and is just so miserable, I was crying cos I felt so bad I'd done this to her, i have ruined my neices party, I reckon mum would be crying cos of her kids fighting and the realisation of what her son was (she has always been protected from this side of him) and I just feel so BAD:crying: . Mind you, he was still out drinking his beer with his mate. URRGGGHHH!!

I really had no right to leave, it's not me who is affected by his drinking, and now by leaving cos I cant be bothered with it anymore I have highlighted it for my mum, whose heart is going to break.

I really want to talk to my SIL cos I just feel for her. Along with the alcoholism is a really bad temper and she does the lot for him. He seems to have that 'the world owes me something' attitude.

Sorry, this is just ridiculously long and congratulations if you got to the end:yelclap:

[Melissa1983]

I feel so sorry for your SIL and his children. And its also hard on the family as well.

Here is a :hugs: for you.

Are you close to your SIL? Does she talk to him about is problem? Would he go and talk about to someone or does he think he hasn't got a problem?

[Kells]

Yeah, I am close to my SIL, and she tries to talk to him about it, but he really doesnt see it as a problem at all. He is up drinking till 3am most nights, and then sleeps all day.
Its just so sad, it really is, cos he is a nice guy who would help anyone, just not himself obvioulsy:o

I just feel bad cos I really had no place to say anything and leave (although the friend was being an obnoxious twit) but I feel like now there is a big rift in the family and I'm not sure how to go about fixing it. (I have sat back and watched this for years now, and not said anything).

It makes me mad cos he is always crying poor, and they are, but now I have just lost my sympathy now, and just think of the money they would have if he stopped drinking..

[Melissa1983]

[QUOTE=Kells]I just feel bad cos I really had no place to say anything and leave (although the friend was being an obnoxious twit) but I feel like now there is a big rift in the family and I'm not sure how to go about fixing it. (I have sat back and watched this for years now, and not said anything).
QUOTE]

But maybe it was good you did, incase you said something you would regret? And that might have made him realise he is hurting the family around him? He might not show it tonight, but it might hit him in the morning.
Does he work?

[Jem]

How long has she been with your brother for:confused:

[Kells]

No, he doesn't work, which is part of the problem I think. He seems to think that everyone is better than him and somehow owes him something...

Jem - they've been together for years - about 15 I think.

[Melissa1983]

he wouldn't be suffering depression would he? Sorry i'm no expert just trying to help

[Jem]

15 years is along time to be with someone with a drinking problem?
How old are the child/ren ?

[WeThree]

Dont feel bad, you didnt ruin your neices bday party, HE did!! I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this, when someone in a family has an addiction it effects evrybody :(

[Baby Girl]

I was going to say the same thing coops did!!

It is HIS FAULT if her birthday party was ruined - NOT YOURS!!! You did the grown up thing by leaving before you couldn't bite your tongue anymore.

I am not going to say anymore because I think that is an awful way to live - selfish and in no way any type of good role model for his children - maybe he needs to think about that. Does he want his girls to end up with someone like him because that is all they know?? I bet he says No Way!!

:hugs: to you.

[KiLLaKaZ]

firstly - i'm glad you said you are close to your SIL, she needs ALL the support she can get!!

secondly - i think walking out was the best thing to do!! i hope it's made him think about WHY you did... is there any time he's sober to confront him & let him know what he's doing to his family?

[wattle]

It's hard not to feel angry at situations like that... it sounds like everyone is hurting.

I would imagine that your SIL needs some support asap (well they both do, but sometimes getting an addict to admit to needing help is like pushing a piano up mt everest!). Have you spoken to her about this?

Maybe if you can do something active to help them (esp your SIL) you won't feel so upset. You could get her the phone number of a support group, or even call one yourself to ask their advice. Sometimes the first step is the hardest.

[Kells]

Thanks everyone for your kind words and advice - you have helped me alieviate (sp?) some of the guilt I feel for walking out.

My SIL and I have spoken about it lots of times - about how hard it is that he's drinking the little money they have, what it's doing to the kids etc. (Kids are 10 and 11 BTW, and one who is 18 - his stepdaughter - but moved out of home to get away). The two younger ones stay at the older ones house almost every w/end, and he cant see why.

I think the idea of getting my SIL some support group info for her is a great idea. I am going to ring her today and apologise for upsetting her, but to explain also that I just couldnt stand and watch anymore, and I dont want my kids to see that either. She understands, we talked briefly before I left yesterday and she knows why. She said she wishes she could leave too!! I think she has tried to before, but same old story - he will stop drinking and be normal before going back to the old ways.

I think this time will be different though. She told my mum yesterday 'now you know what i deal with every day. This is what he's like'. So admitting there is a problem and getting it out there is a really big step for her. (especially to my parents, cos they have been 'protected' from seeing him like that).

Thanks again everyone for providing your listening ears and great advice :kiss:

[heymamma]

awww i feel so sorry for you & your SIL & child.. I was telling DH this story & he said to me...did anyone (mainly males) get up & say anything to those guys for calling the girls horrible things? He said all i know is if that was my brother or cousin friend whatever i would have bloody decked him for saying somthing like that to kids. I'm not in her position..but does anyone know why people stay in a situation like this?..i mean obviously they love them but surely you draw the line somewhere.

[MilkOnTap]

Oh Kells - I am so sorry you had to go through that! And I agree with Coops - you did NOT ruin the party.. It was HIS doing. I think you did the right thing leaving when you did...

It sounds like your SIL needs support and you are definitely there to give it to her which is great... Its sad that your brother is like this. Does he deny it whenever anyone brings it up? My grandfather-in-law is a recovered alcoholic and does talks at AA. I will ask him for any info he can pass on.

Best wishes and keep us posted!

[Kells]

Thanks guys..

Heymamma - it was just the friend who was saying stuff to the girls, not my brother. I have never heard him speak like that to his kids (although he does yell if he's hungover in the mornings etc, but not abusive). I just felt sorry for the kids, who went to this bday party, and heard and saw that kind of behaviour from the friend. It made me soooo MAD!! He has no right to say these things. They were being cheeky and noisy, but they are 9 - 10 year olds and thats just what they do. Its just not called for!!
My SIL is so sick of having this friend in her house. Honestly, it's just a whole different lifestyle they lead.. and it gets frustrating!!

I really think my SIL has hit the end this time. I hope she can work up the courage to do something about it. My brother needs to realise what he is doing to his family.

Thanks again..

[Jem]

maybe your sister in-law could contact "Al anon" A support group for families suffering the effects of alcoholism.. If you could access a family support centre or community centre, they would be able to give you some phone numbers :thumbsup:

[*Country Bumpkin*]

Hon You did the RIGHT thing!!!

Your kids dont need to be in an environment like that- what sort of values their uncle teaching them??? It was HIM who ruined your neices b/day not you.

You did the adult thing by not loosing your cool..... if you had lost it I can guarantee it would have been alot harder for everyone. I know this makes no sense but sometimes with alcoholics you just have to let them go so as not to cause an argument or make the situation worse.

I lived with an alcohlic for almost 2yrs and it was the worst time of my life...they are irational and you never know what they will do next- so anything he wanted I did. I didnt argue cause it made it worse....

I feel so sorry for his kids and wife not to mention all the family that had to witness this. He only has himself to blame

:hugs: I hope everything gets better real soon!! You did the right thing!!

[Kells]

Aijent - totally agree with you on the filth factor. As I said previously, its a completely different life these people lead and REALLY hard to shut up about it sometimes.:o I just feel sorry for the kids cos they will grow up in this environment. The mess has gotten better over the years, but there is still an abudance of animals up there (litters of kittens, puppies, chickens, etc every few weeks) and just general junk lying about the place. When you go there you really have to remind yourself you are there for the people, not the house. (easier when its just mess on the table or towels on the bathroom floor etc like most places:D )


Just to update anyway - I rang SIL before and apologised and to check that she is okay, which she is (or so she says). Told her that no one would ever blame her for leaving and she would have everyone's support if she did.


Spoke to my parents too to say sorry for leaving so quickly etc, and mum thought I left cos DD was crying. But she now knows my brother has an alchohol problem and is trying to deal with that herself. Doesnt know whether to step in or stay away.

But I know that my brother will be so ashamed that my parents know. Hopefully that will help him wake up to himself a bit.

Again - thank you thank you thank you to all. I love the non-judgemental way you guys help with everything, and sometimes it is easier to write it than say it to 'offline' friends.:D

[natasha]

Hi there

Although i'm only 21 I have had a lot of experience when it comes to alcohol abuse if the family.
My father died 2 months ago from alcohol poisoning (he had been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember).

My mother has also been an alcoholic since I was about 12.
It was tough growing up coping with it all. It has taken me all this time to realise you can't help people who are alcoholics if they don't want help.

I have tried everything with my mum,begging,pleading,being supportive,being angry,resentful. The amount of times she has promised to get off the drink and then gone and downed a bottle of vodka is just awful. It used to upset me so much, but I have just learnt to accept the fact that she is what she is , and the sad thing is she may die at any time( she has sooo many things wrong with her due to the drink) and I don't want my last words to her to be nasty ones.

I hated my father for what he did to my family ,he used to drink all night and sleep on the couch all day. He abused my mother in every way possible and got her hooked onto the drink.

My mother used to make out his drinking wasns't that bigga deal (i think maybe what your SIL is doing). She used to make excuses for him because she was in denial, she didn't want to admit it was that bad.

You had every right to be angry and walk out,how dare he behave like that infront of your children!

I think your SIL really needs some support. Even if its just knowing she can come and talk to you in confidence.

It does sound like she needs some help with the house aswell,,,,,that's really no way to live. I moved to australia and left my mum behind 4 years ago but last time i saw her she had food dropped all down her front, the flies in her house was disgusting, there was dog crap all over the house (even on the beds the kids slept on!).

God....sorry this is so long.
I was supposed to be giving you some kinda advice...but have just rambled on about me:ecomcity: Sorry:rolleyes:

I think the main point I'm trying to make is that I have been there and dealt with it for years and the best thing you can do is just accept they are not going to change and support those who need it.

You did everything right at the party though.......don't ever subject your children to someone like that,,,,,they shouldn't have to see that.

Oh and please don't be offended by this but are you sure he isnt physically abusive to your SIL behind closed doors and that's why she won't leave him? Some wives are embarressed by it so they cover it up and don't tell anyone. (my mum did this).
Just keep an eye on her and let her know you are always there if she needs to chat (in confidence).



Nasha xxxx

[Kells]

Natasha, I think you've hit the nail on the head!

I have never considered him being physically abusive towards SIL, but I couldn't say for sure...i mean, you dont know someone til you live with them, hey.
And the drink all night, sleep all day thing...thats him. His kids surely feel the same way you did. He is going to end up with his daughters hating him, and then it being too late to do anything about it.

I'm sorry to hear of your father passing away. That must have been a truly horrible thing to see, and then to know your mother is an alcoholic too - you must have seen a lot of horrible things that the majority of us are sheltered from. Hugs to you for getting through it :hugs: .


Also with what you said about my SIL being in denial, I honestly think we all have, myself included. I've known his had a 'problem' but never called him an 'alcoholic' before. Maybe this is part of his problem too..we've all just carried on merrily kind of pretending it's not happening...

[TTannyaa]

Hi Kells, I also have an alcoholic brother in denial, he works in a liquor store too so that doesn't help, although I have seen him at work and he never drinks there. Whenever we have family get togethers or he goes to a party he always ends up drunk half way through and thinks nothing of downing a 12 pack of beer or a couple of bottles of wine every night. I have also talked to my sister in law and she doesn't think that it's that much of a problem (she's not a big drinker). My brother just says that there's nothing wrong with having a couple of drinks after work. My father was also an alcoholic, he died 9 years ago of cirrhosis (sp?) after a long time of alcohol abuse and my sister was too but managed to get herself into rehab and has been sober for 2 years now, I am so proud of her. Needless to say, I hardly ever touch the stuff. Anyway, enough about me, what I am trying to say is, if you ever need to talk to someone in the same boat, that knows what you are going through, please feel free to pm me anytime. Great big hugs to you.

ME - Tanya - 21.06.73 :ecomcity:
DH - Paul - 05.12.73 :sleeping:
DD - Chloe Amelia - 07.10.02 :devil6:
DD - Simone Clare - 12.05.05 :devil6:

[Jem]

I think you should have a good chat with your sister in law, she might confide in you if there is any abuse happening? And if there is.. it cant be ignored, especially if there are kids involved... I think there are some tough decisions to be made here by your sister in-law.:fingerscrossed:

[LittleBoysRock]

Hugs!! :hugs:

My Dad is an alcoholic too and he is just like your brother by the sounds of it. It is horrible to witness and not speak out against it.

My Dad didnt come to my wedding as we fought over his drinking. He drinks a BLOCK of beer a night then starts on bourbon or port...whatever he has basically. He doesnt eat most times and if he does it is like 11pm at night.

Not nice at all. Esp growing up with that. He was supposed to be a role model. Anyway, just wanted to say that I know how you feel.

My advice is just look after your SIL and neices as much as you can, never argue with a drunk....they dont listen, they get abusive and then dont remember in the morning!!

[Jem]

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/australia/information.html

Hopefully you can find a good service located close to your sister in-law?
Best Wishes :)

[Miss Tazar]

Hi Kells

I agree with everyone - you can't change/argue/reason or plead with a drunk.
My Dad was an alcoholic, and I spent my entire childhood crying, pleading or yelling at him and it didn't make a difference. How many parents could face that and not change something?:confused:
Alcoholism is a strong addiction beyond the reaches of many.
You will all need lots of support and coping mechanisms to survive a relationship with your brother. Please be selfish and think of what is best for you, your family, your SIL, your nieces before you think of what is best for your brother. The alcohol is generally stronger than the person and he may not want to give up or may not be able to without help.
My Dad did give up, after 50 years, only because he got sooo sick that the Dr said stop today or die within 2 weeks. So he stopped, just like that. Not very common that people can do this, he reckons that he 'could always stop, just didn't want to' :banghead: . I nearly killed him myself when he said that, but my point is that the individual will power is important in this issue and your brother may not be as willing to change as you would like and you need to be ready for that.
I know it is hard to see someone you would step in front of a bus for ruining their lives and having a negative impact on the lives of others, so hugs and wishes to you and your family.:hugs:
Roxi

[Jem]

Before Your brother can recieve any form of treatment for his problem, he needs to acknowledge his addiction and the fact that he has no control over his substance use.
He needs to be aware that he has to remain abstinent from all mood altering substances for the rest of his life, otherwise his addictive behaviour can begin again. :fingerscrossed: