Is one OK?

[Evo]

Hi, I have one child - a daughter - who is five months old. She was conceived via IVF after two years. I am just happy to enjoy this one child for now (and don't really know if I want another - or more) but everyone keeps asking me if I intend to have more children.

I know there has been a fair amount written about this subject and some fairly strong views are held about it. Right now, I think I would be happy to have only one child but wonder if I should have more so that my daughter has a sibling/s. Having said that, I don't think doing it purely for my daughter's 'benefit' is the right way to go.

I'd be interested in hearing from others, particularly parents of only children, about their experiences. (BTW, I'm the oldest of four children).

[mumof2girls]

Hi Evo;

I am the youngest of 5 children but my mother was an only child and she didn't like it much. It wasn't that she had a bad life but when her parents became older and needed help there was nobody to help her with them so she never got a break and she also had her own family. When it came to her parents, everything was left for her to do and it was hard on her and in the end she had to put our grandmother in a nursing home as it became to much for her and she felt guilty about this. So I can see her point of view.

On the other hand you have gone through a lot to have the child that you have and it is really up to you and your partner if you want to go through that again. Doing it solely for your daughter's benefit doesn't sound right either as she will have friends from daycare/kindy/school etc so she won't be missing out either.

I can see both points of view my mother had a great life it was just at the end that she found it hard to deal with everything, but being one of 5 I couldn't imagine life without my sisters and brother so I had 2 of my own for that reason.

It's a personal choice and it also depends on your circumstances and how you and your partner feel. Good luck with whatever you choose! :)

[mummyb]

hello
just thought id let you know that i think one is great alot of my friends are only children .
they are all well balanced well loved adults.
i think realy good friendships can be just as valuable as brothers or sisters.
ivf is a taxing experince i think one child is very special.
good luck with everything in the future.

[nemosmum]

Hi Evo,

Congratulations on surviving the IVF program and on having your baby girl, you must be sooo thrilled well done! :)

Im one of four kids myself and can tell you my siblings werent always my best friends growing up. Alot of the time I resented my parents for having so many kids as we didnt get alot of things growing up. Having said that I cant imagine my life without my older sisters and younger brother, they are always there for me!
I look at my brother in law (who is an only child) and think how lonely special occassions (xmas, easter, birthdays etc) would be if he didnt have my large family to party with!

I have one baby boy and plan to go for one more- but Im one of the lucky ones who falls pregnant very easily (I concieved my son while on the pill!)

Knowing the struggles and heartbreak of IVF (I have cousins and friends who have gone through it) I think your very brave to have gone through it once and it should be a decision only you and your partner can make- dont let anyone make you feel guilt or pressure to have any more children.

Good luck and well done! :)

[murphy]

Hi Evo

I was very relieved when I read your e-mail because I am in the same boat. My baby who was also conceived on IVF is nearly 5 months and my DH and I have been pondering about a 2nd bub.

At the moment I really don't know if I could cope with going through a fully stimulated cycle again. It was a hard enough experience to go through when it was just the two of us but to endure all of the hospital visits, scans, medication etc etc etc ... with a child to think about as well, just seems too much.

At the moment, we are just loving and enjoying our beautiful baby and I am quite happy and content with just one child. Reading the other replies to your question did raise some issues that I hadn't thought about before but I believe that you have got to trust your instincts and in the end things usually happen for a reason.


Hope this helps.

Murph

[Evo]

Thanks all for your posts - they've given me some food for thought. I think the best way for me to go is to just enjoy my DD for now and see how I feel about having another child in 6-12 months time.

[claire&declan]

Hi Evo, I have one child at the moment who was also concieved through IVF, he will be two on Monday. After he was born I had decided that I would try to use 2 embryos we had frozen but if they didn't take I wouldn't be going back again. I figured I had been blessed with one and should be grateful. 7 mths ago we tried with them and they didn't even thaw properley. So staight away I said thats it I will just give my boy the best of everything. However 6 mths later my Husband and I still had thoughts of another and due to him being in his early 40's we figured we may as well try once more. If that doesn't work well you know what, I have one beautiful boy who will be treasured and loved and I guarantee he won't miss out on anything. You do what is right for you and your partner. Good luck with whatever you choose. I will find out about #2 in about 3 weeks if all goes well. Claire :o :o

[Evo]

Thanks Claire. I'm lucky in that I still have 4 frozen embryos so if we decided to go ahead, I wouldn't need to go through the whole process again. As I said earlier, I think my best bet is to wait and see how I feel when DD is older. It's just that every second person asks me if we're going to have more kids so it's got me thinking about it a lot.

Best of luck for three weeks' time - I really hope #2 is on his/her way. :)

[myf]

Isn't it strange how people always need to know if you are having anymore kids or when are you going to start a family! I really think it is awfully rude to ask people such personal questions. Most people don't even consider the fact that you might have been trying for years without any luck or that perhaps you just want to treasure what you've got.
Don't be pushed into making a decision. You have been through alot to get your perfect baby and against all odds, enjoy your little bundle and when or if the time is right it will be you and your partner who decide what to do next.
In the meantime tell those enquiring people to buzz off! It is the height of bad manners and thoughtlessness to ask such interfering questions.
Good luck!

[Evo]

Thanks Myf. I think sometimes people ask questions like "are you going to have another one?" quite innocently with the best intentions but there have been a few instances when I was asked inappropriate personal questions when going through IVF and I felt like turning the tables and asking them about their sex life etc etc. I am always worried about saying the wrong thing or appearing to be fishing for info so tend to hold back. Anyhow, as you say, best to just focus on baby! :)

[Jimmyjones]

I am with you myf, isn't it strange what people ask!!!! When are you getting engaged? when are you getting married, when are you having a baby. It just doesn't stop
I have a 8wk old and people are asking if we will have number two? gee can't we enjoy number one first.
Evo I didn't go through IVF but two of my girlfriends have and seeing what they went through was taxing but both have been blessed with a baby. One of them has a two year old and is just preggy with her second IVF but it was a rough road getting to the number two. The first year goes so quickly so enjoy and good luck with everything.

cheers
KT
Abi (8wks)

[Rainbowbrite]

Hi there,

I'm 37 weeks pregnant with my first and my husband and i have always said that we would only have 1. We always hear the arguement of "but they'll be so bored" or "it's cruel to only have 1" but we don't believe that. A child is a gift, and we believe that 1 is enough.

Our reasons are:

I am one of 4 though when i was born my siblings were 8, 12 and 14years old, so i was virtually an only child, they all had their own lives, and never had much to do with me. I was a shock pregnancy obviously

My husband has a brother and a sister, again, there are significant age gaps.

Neither of us were ever bored, and always had the option of having friends over whenever we wanted. My parents were always happy to take friends with us wherever we went so that i had company.

Also, considering that we are not well-off financially, we would like to be able to give the baby the best life possible and as selfish as it sounds, we want to still be able to have some sort of life :o I know that may sound bad to some people but thats how we feel. I would like to not have to go back to work and let others raise my baby. My husband and i always had a parent at home when we got home form school and want to give that to our little one.

Anyway, thats just my 2 cents. Basically each to their own i say. Just do what you can do, but as someone else said, don't be pressured by everyone else :)

[caleb04mum]

Hi Rainbowbrite

You should not have to justify why you only want one child! I think it's great that you only want one, and your reasons are perfectly reasonable. If you and your husband only want one and you can give your child the best, then go for it!!

People are way to quick to give their advice and opinion on EVERYTHING but you just do what you feel right.

I think your child is lucky to have such caring parents, I hope all goes great for you.

Best of luck with everything!

;)

[weisje]

hi everyone,
having babies is definitly a internal thing. no one else really knows whats the best thing to do have one, two, three or more. the most important thing is you are happy with in yours self with what ever decision you make. people always will continue to ask those inaproprate questions, if you are single it is when are you going to get married, when your married? when are you buying a house?, when your in the house when are you going to have kids? and i have one little girl 1yr old and i now ask the question are you trying to make me feel guilty for only haveing one. and normaly they leave you alone. i don't think people realise that they do hurt your feelings when they say that.

[Doon]

Dear Evo and Murphy,

Follow your own heart You will know when and if you want another baby in your own time. A five month old baby is a hand full and can be at times overwelming. The world is made up of many people who think they know whats is best for your life. You just smile and say your just enjoying the baby God has given you for now. If your baby is an only child or has a sibling the most important thing will never change and that is how much you love them.
God Bless
Doon

[ThomasMum]

agreed with you Doon. I always remember my mum's words of advise: that once you got pregnant you have to buy a pair of earplugs because this is the time where you find all of sudden the world is full of 'experts'! As you are rightly said 'The world is made up of many people who think they know whats is best for your life'.
There is a huge different between sharing your experience and giving advice...

I dont see any problem with having one child. A cousin of mine enjoyed the priviledges being the only child (he's a lawyer now), and I used to be so jealous and wish that I was the only child!

And we are not going to have another baby, one happy Thomas to continue our generation is the future for us, regardless what others 'might' say about 'is that wise to have one child only?' :D

Thomas's Mum

[laundrygirl]

hi, I'm a only child and when I was young I had my friends and cousins so I wasn't bored, but now I'm an adult at times think about what it would be like to have a brother or sister.

[mumof2girls]

I have 2 girls and I planned it that way, I always wanted two never just one. My reasoning was that my mother was an only child and it was her that had to deal with her parents illnesses and funerals etc. Although she had all of us around to help her it wasn't the same as having a brother or sister to share the responsibility with, she never had a break until they both had died, then she felt guilty for feeling this way.

I know each to their own but I remember what she went through and it did factor in our decision, after all my hubby has 5 kids total so it was a big decision how many kids we were going to have. As for the people who said I want to give them a good life, you can do that with or without a lot of money, depending on where your priorities lie. My children go to private school and we sacrafice so they can go there but we still do a lot as a family just different things that don't cost or cost very little.

This is only my opinion so hope I don't offend anyone but I think my kids are worth every sacafice we have ever made and the we will make in the future!

[stilldreaming]

This is such a hard decision. I have a nine month old son and have been extremely lucky as he has been an easy baby. We had no problems with him when he was a young bub, the whole experience was great.(unlike the labour!) What I worry about (as awful as it sounds) is that if I have another one it will be completely opposite!!
I love my life at the moment and one baby suits us to a tea. Everyone that I talk to though asks when we are having our next one, and you should see the shocked faces when I say we may not!!
I am trying to not let anyone sway me either way (as hard as it is) and I think I will re evaluate when Cooper is around the 2 mark. I also think about finances etc as well as I like to be comfortable not to struggle all the time......mmmmmm lots to think about!!
But gee how much does your life change for the better :p
Trish

[householdduties]

Hi, I have one child - a daughter - who is five months old. She was conceived via IVF after two years. I am just happy to enjoy this one child for now (and don't really know if I want another - or more) but everyone keeps asking me if I intend to have more children.

I know there has been a fair amount written about this subject and some fairly strong views are held about it. Right now, I think I would be happy to have only one child but wonder if I should have more so that my daughter has a sibling/s. Having said that, I don't think doing it purely for my daughter's 'benefit' is the right way to go.

I'd be interested in hearing from others, particularly parents of only children, about their experiences. (BTW, I'm the oldest of four children).


I also have one daugther after being told by doctors at the age of 22 that I would not be able to have children. After being with my now husband for five months, surprise the four pregancy tests that I did all showed positive.

I am very delighted to have my daugther and class her as my little miracel. My naive husband now thinks that we can have lots more children and have been trying for almost since the day that she was born. I dont know if I want to have another one and feel that I dont want to push my luck.

My friends also ask when am I going to have another child and I dont feel the need to tell them about previous problems. Is one child enough? or do we as parents have the right to give our one child a carefee and financially stable life without adding on any other extra pressures with another child.

It is a taboo subject as are we deprving our one child of sisters or brothers. I come from three siblings and dont know what I would do without them.

[WeThree]

one child or ten, as long as they are loved, protected, kept warm and fed it doesnt matter how many you have.

[Milly]

As an only child myself, I can definetly say that one is okay! There are a lot of myths out there surrounding the Only Child such as they don't know how to share (my pet peeve one) or that they get lonely etc. It's the biggest load of rubbish! I always knew how to share, in fact I was always keen to. I was very good at entertaining myself that I did not worry about being lonely and I did not mind being frequently in adult company. I have lots of friends growing up and was never deprived of company my own age either.

I am an only child as my mother had secondary infertility (they were lucky enough to get me apparently :) ) and I know that they could not have another, and that is just the way it is. My mum and I have a close relationship, and I know that I will be the only one to look after them when they are elderly, but I know of many instances where the responsibilty of looking after elderly parents falls to just one of several siblings anyway for various reasons, so even in big families this can be an issue with one child having to do all the care despite there being siblings. I just accept that is the way it is. But that is fine.

I say if you want one then don't feel you have to justify it. It is none of people's business as to how many children you have. Whether it is by choice or not, that is just that way things are and every family is different.

[Evo]

Coopsntilly - I think you are absolutely right.

Milly - thanks for your views, it's really helpful to get an "only's" perspective.

In the month since I posted my original message, I reckon I've been asked at least 2 dozen times about when I am having my next child. It never ends...

For now, I am more than happy with one and have no burning desire for a second (or third etc). I might change my mind in future, who knows, but for now I'm focusing on my little girl.

[BlueGin]

Milly, I totally agree on what you said about looking after elderly parents, after seeing my Dad's family of 4 getting bitter about the costs of aged care, then fighting over the possessions (I know, how pathetic) I see your point.
In my family of 4 it was sorted a long time ago that mum and dad are going to live with us when they need to, and I okayed this with my husband when we started getting serious. We dont want the drama! I can totally see positives to both situations.

[Chickadee]

I'm the youngest of 3, with 2 older brothers. I can remember a lot of good times playing with them as kids, but just as many tears and fights. We're not especially close as adults. I can't really say whether or not having brothers made me a better person, who could know for sure? As the only girl, looking after my parents might have fallen to me by default anyways, except I've moved halfway across the world.

We're sticking with one for now, possibly for good. I'm not sure I could handle 2 kids and I'd rather be as good a mum as I can to one than a frazzled stressed depressed mum to two. Chloe is 18 months & I don't think she's missing anything out by not having a younger sibling, she has lots of kids to play with at day care or in the neighbourhood. Maybe if we were in a rural area it would be different.

As for all the people who have asked when me and my husband are having a second one, I'm sure they're just asking out of curiousity and interest, or just to make conversation. But grrrrrr!! Some days I'd love to give an honest answer. But I smile sweetly and simply joke that we got it right the first time and lucked out with a very happy baby, we're not going to risk it again :)

[tobysmum]

Just to throw my 2 cents in....we have just had no.2 and I can definately see the advantages to having just 1 ;) my litle girl has been a horror baby with lot's of screaming, feeding issues and even hospitalization for tests. This has been a nightmare for mr. 2 yo who is now having some pretty horrible behavioural issues due to jealousy etc. While I know this doesn't last forever ATM it is pretty draining and I often feel like I am not doing very well for either of my kids. In saying that if dp gave the word I would probably still go again! On a more practical side having 1 is cheaper and it is easier to find people to look after just one child! As far as people asking about no.2 etc I think it is just people trying to make conversation and a genuine interest in what you are thinking and people shouldn't really be offended. I am one of those people who remains closed mouthed rather than say the wrong thing and I think it is an awful way to be and certainly makes it harder to get close to new people. If you don't appreciate the question just say so!Goodluck with your decision but it certainly is early days yet anyway

[rebecca]

our little one is only 4.5 months old and since the day that he was born (even when I was pregnant actually) we have had family ask when will number 2 be coming along....I do not think that they will be able to accept it if we only decide to have one....I think that this is a personal choice and like a comment that was posted earlier, so long as each child is loved and allowed individual time with their parents it makes no difference if you have 1 or 100...Maybe in a year or 2 time when the labour is not so fresh in my mind will we think of going for number 2..unless it happens by chance earlier then so be it...but currently I am happy with watching our first grow and change day by day.....

[red crayon]

I've been reading this thread with interest. We have a six month old boy and won't having another. The decision is mainly related to age. I'm 38 and my dp is 48. If I'd had the opportunity to start earlier, I'm sure I'd have had more but as I close in on 40, I feel my enery levels waning. My dp already has 2 grown kids and it's amazing to me that he was keen to start again with me. My girlfriends all have little kids so Spencer will always have mates. And hopefully he'll always have two parents with the energy to keep up with him :D

[mattias'mom]

It's a hard decision to have more children. We have so many questions...can we handle more than one, if we stick to having just one will he be lonely... I think I would like to have one more, another boy or a girl I don't really care. I would just like for my son to grow up with a sibling. I have 2 sisters & 1 brother and I know how close we are and I would love for my son to experience that. My partner doesn't know if he wants to have anymore so I think it is going to end up being quite the discussion.

[maybe1more]

Hi all, my partner and i decided after our first was 6 months old that he would be our one and only, however when he was 15 months we talked about having another one and if we were going to have another one to get it out of the way so to speak, im 27 and my partner is 37 and he said he couldnt see him self becoming a dad for the 2nd time at 40 because he wouldnt have the energy.
We decided to try and concieve when our son was 21 months and and two months later it worked, my son is now 2 and im 8 weeks pregnant.
In my opinon time changes your mind, when you see your baby growing up and getting independent it does change your mind, my son has been an excellent baby, he slept thru at 8 weeks old and just seems very content. However the "terrible twos" could hit and i could be eating my words!I think is worth thinking about more when your child gets a little older, we are intitled to change our minds! :)