Opinions wanted re same sex sperm donor option....

[SalTheGal]

OK, just testing the waters with this one to see how it might go down!

My DH's sister is in a same sex relationship- they are looking to get married and start a family in the next few years.

I was talking to DH a little while ago about the ins and outs of sperm donors etc etc, and we discussed the possibility of DH donating sperm so that his sisters partner can carry the child- with the sperm from DH which would then essentially mean it is also connected genetically to his sister. (does that make any sense lol).

We think it is a great idea and would love to be able to give this gift to his sister, we have ABSOLUTELY no problems with said child being theirs- and we would be very comfortable with the concept of him being the paternal donor- however having no part in the childs life apart from that as uncle.

The issues arise with perhaps the child wanting to trace its paternity down the line.....

How would you feel if you were presented with this option, are there any flaws we are overlooking?

And if it were you would you decide to be open with the child or keep its paternity private?

Would love to hear some opinions! :flowerz:

[metalhead713]

wow.. thats an interesting situation. I suppose if you are all ok with it then there is nothing stopping them going ahead- the only bump in the road being how would the child feel, which is really somthing you cant predict.. pretty tough decision I suppose.
There are two problems that im not sure I know the answer to and its obviously a decison between you all..
one being, that you can keep the paternity private, but chances are at some point in the childs life they more than likely will find out, be that by their own research and desire to know the truth, or by a slip up.
the other being, that you tell the child, and the child being very confused and uncomfortable with the fact that his/her uncle is also his/her father, and the possibility of being picked on by other children for that, while sad as it is bullying does happen.
Sorry I dont have any other advice, but personal opinion is if you are all sure you want to do it, then go for it, but if it were me id probably be more inclined to get a donor outside the family circle.

[SalTheGal]

I know- I think that would be the biggest hurdle, and the biggest unknown....how would this affect the child?????

Also it would be hard to know what to do with other family members- who do you tell and who do you keep it private from.

We just think it would be a wonderful thing for both parents to have some genetic connection to the child.

Lots of what ifs!

[the_queen]

I don't think the child would be confused, there's lots of different kinds of families in this world.

I think it's a wonderful idea :) Having a family member be the donor means they're much less likely to have kind of "custody/child support/access" issues later on down the track.

What a beautiful and loving gift your husband would be giving to his sister. Every gay person should have such love and acceptance and support from their siblings :hugs:

[SalTheGal]

I spose in a sense the child is going to be in a rather unique situation to begin with, so adding another side to the coin should hopefully be ok!

I think we have just been blessed with such joy as parents that we would love to be able to share this with them in the best way possible so that both the girls can feel they are a true part of their child.

[V8]

How funny i had a gay couple over last night and were talking to them about this exact same thing.

There are at least some options as to how to go about getting sperm.

Just some things to think about and investigate:

Same sex relationships marriages are not recognised by centrelink so i am assuming the 'donor' would be listed as the father of the child and therefore may be potentially liable to pay child support etc.

Your SIL's child would be biologically half brother or sisters to your child rather than cousins.

Telling the child how they came about i don't think would be a problem and i think they may feel rather connected to your DH and i think it's nice to keep it in the family. Others may think differently and prefer to have an anonymous donor so there is no 'father' in the picture so to speak.

Can't remember what else we talked about but it was very interesting chatting to them, kinda funny too as i knew more about a few things then they did so hopefully it's given them somethings to think about.

Anywho, goodluck to your SIL and her partner i hope they are blessed with a child.

[SalTheGal]

Thanks V8 for that, nice to know that it is something that has been discussed- I thought maybe we were a bit wierd for even thinking of it as an option!

[metalhead713]

Thanks V8 for that, nice to know that it is something that has been discussed- I thought maybe we were a bit wierd for even thinking of it as an option!
not weird at all, its a great thing that yous want to give the gift of life to another:)

[HarvestMoon]

Do you know how your sister in law would feel about it? I was thinking if i was in her situation i might find it hard to see the child as mine and not as a niece/nephew. I would personally feel it easier to go with someone who is not a relative.. but saying that everyone is different and if it's fine with everyone involved go for it!

[Tam-I-Am]

I think its a wonderful and generous thing to do - but I would strongly advise that the four of you seek counselling, both separately and together - before you make any life-changing actions...

I think its amazing, and wonderful and such a generous gift - I also think that so many emotions are tied up with a new baby, and sometimes people don't react in a way that they thought they would....And given that there are very few legal precedents that could protect either party - you need to ALL be in complete harmony.

:hugs:

[Funkychicken]

What a generous gift you are both offering. I agree with Tami on the subject of full counselling prior to going ahead-you all need to be 100 % clear on what you are doing.
That said, sometimes we can go through our lives procrastinating about what we should/shouldn't/might/might not/maybe/could have etc...do. There will always be hurdles to get through as and with family members and children always seem to be the ones who take things in their stride-so much better than we as adults do.

I would imagine talking to the child as he/she grows about his/her paternity would be similar to discussing adoption with a child. In a sense, it would be slightly easier to understand as the child would know his/her biological father.

Children are so much tougher than we imagine at times. We are the ones that overthink things whereas children tend to take on board information and accept it. They don't procrastinate or second guess things the way we do.

I wish you all well as you move forward with this idea. Such a beautiful gesture. :yes:

[Veritas]

I think it is an absolutely wonderful gift on your DH's part....

I also agree that counselling is the way to go.... keep everything as clear and open as possible....

As a "donor" you are not considered a parent, both legally and financially, so in theory there should be no issues re: centrelink and child support (having his name on the birth cert may make it slightly more challenging), but there are agreements you can sign to make this clearer (I can send you links if you like)......

Kids are products of their upbringings.... so if you are all open with the child and it knows that it was created out of a gift of pure love and that it was truly wanted then I can't see any reason that he/she wouldn't be a happy and thriving kid!

[SalTheGal]

Thanks for the feedback everyone, it is much appreciated! And as for counselling- I don't think either myself or DH would be prepared to go ahead without full counselling for everyone involved- that would be imperative. :yes: :yes: :yes:


Do you know how your sister in law would feel about it? I was thinking if i was in her situation i might find it hard to see the child as mine and not as a niece/nephew. I would personally feel it easier to go with someone who is not a relative.. but saying that everyone is different and if it's fine with everyone involved go for it!

We haven't even approached them about the idea at this stage- they are still a couple of years off being at that stage of having children, so there is no rush- it is simply something that we are bandying around to get used to ourselves first.

That said- SIL is the kind of person who I believe would never really feel this way, I think she would just appreciate the fact that the child has some of her genetic disposition at all.

Great advice and feedback though! Thanks! :goodvibes:

[Ashleigh<3]

I think that is incredibly loving of your husband and you to do for them. :hugs::goodvibes:

I know there is so much meaning behind genetics but there is such a thing as spiritual connection and the bond a Mother/partner have with their unborn baby is just as beautiful and meaningful, regardless of how it got there.

Millions of gay couples create loving families. :bee: