The Right to be Upset...?

[SassyMummy]

On Wednesday, it was my 20th Birthday.

I don't live with my DP, but he spends the night a few nights a week when he has the time (his shifts at work are very long), and I was lucky to get to see him on the day. He said he didn't have a present though, because he hadn't expected to see me until Friday night. I was little upset, but I understood. (Even though I thought he should've planned ahead a little).

Today is Friday night. When he gets here, he says he's give me my present "later". I was a bit angry, because I figured I'd waited a few days after my birthday for it, so I didn't see why I had to wait any longer. But...I waited all the same. For all I knew, he had some surprise planned for me, and I didn't want to ruin it by demanding I get my present immediately.

Anyway, he told me what the present was. A $60 gift voucher for Coles/Myer. And he didn't even bring it with him - he left it at home. Therefore, no present for me at all. At least not until I see him next.

I'm SO upset and disappointed, but I feel bad for being angry with him. After all, he remembered my birthday and DID get me something...even though it was thoughtless and the kind of thing you get someone you don't know very well.

Another problem I have with it is that I spent much more than he did, even though he's the one with much more money. I ordered his present from interstate, after searching for it in QLD. I couldn't find it anyway, so I rang up WA to find it (it was an AFL jersey thing...the West Coast Eagles). I also gave him a box of posh beers and organised a birthday party for him. From DP, I get a card and a gift voucher. I just feel incredibly let down.

I also combine my feelings about Valentines Day when I write this. I gave him something, and even let him know that I wanted something for Valentines Day, because I've never ever gotten anything on any other V-day in my life before. I only wanted something small...but I got NOTHING AT ALL. I was so upset. I'm so upset now because I haven't gotten anything for my birthday either. Okay - I did. A voucher. Woohoo.

I wonder if I'm just being petty or selfish or what...but I just feel so let down and disappointed and upset and am wondering what you girls think. Do I have the RIGHT to feel the way I do, or should I suck it up and get over it?

[bumpsmum]

I say you have every right to be annoyed. What is his excuse? Fair enough he works hard I'm sure but we all do in our own jobs. A birthday happens at the same time every year and you get plenty of warning.

I'd thank him when you finally get the voucher but then give him the cold shoulder for a while. Did he show any kind of remorse?

[JnA]

to quote Seinfeld "What is it with gift vouchers.. I mean you take money that's good everywhere...."

He could have put a little more effort into your gift... even if her just picked up a bunch of flowers on the way over to your house.. that's better than 'nothing' to hand over. Some men just don't think like this though.

I hope you spend your 'gift' on something nice.

[Ana Gram]

You have every right to be upset. I go through this every year with my friends. I go to a lot of effort to make them feel special on their birthdays and find them a perfect gift even though we are only on one income and they rarely remember my birthday at all.
Unfortunately I have discovered that even though it upsets me, no amount of telling them how upset I am actaully changes anything. :crying:

[SassyMummy]

Glad to hear I'm "allowed" to feel the way I do. I was worried people would tell me I should be lucky he even remembered it and whatever...which admittedly, is not what I want to hear.

He knows I'm upset. He says the reason he didn't get me anything was because he didn't know what to get me. Which kind of annoys me...I'm the biggest hint-dropper there is! I'm the talkative one in our relationship, so I figured there's no way he can't know what I want...unless of course he never listens to a word I say!

He wants me to tell him what I want, and he'll get it for me. I don't want to though - I would love him to choose me something, even if it wouldn't be something I'd choose for myself. He has - he bought me a necklace and earring set for our first Christmas together and I would have chosen something different, but I love it because he put effort into choosing if for me - he chose blue stones because I love blue! I love that he did that for me!

I suggested flowers, but he thinks they're "a waste because they die" and he said he doesn't know what type I like. Pfft...get me any bloody type...it'd be better than a gift card!

I also ALWAYS talk about the TV show LOST. I watch it EVERY week. IMO, anyone that knows me would consider the DVD set the perfect gift for me! I would have thought that he might've gotten me that - since it's such an obvious choice, and something I've even said that I wanted.

I think he thinks I'm making a big deal out of something so stupid...but he could have even done something really easy, like arranged for my mother to watch DD and arrange a surprise home-cooked dinner for us (he's training to be a chef). That would have been so special and reasonably cheap.

[Ana Gram]

It always bugs me when people don't get the "thought that counts" idea. It's not about getting an expensive present, it's about someone taking the time to think about you, what you might like and actually going to the trouble of getting it.

[KiLLaKaZ]

firstly, i've discovered with hint dropping: GUYS JUST DON'T GET IT!! unfortunately unless you TELL them directly, they won't know. this was hard for me, because, as chellegoth mentioned, it's the thought that counts!! if i say what i want, then the male puts NO thought into it! grr!! maybe for the future you should let him know that that's what you were hoping for - for him to listen to what you are interested in & get you something along those lines? then you are kinda of telling him what you want, but not directly...

& yes - u have every right to be upset (tho u r also lucky he did remember, my ex NEVER remembered ANY occasion!! ;)) except last christmas - he got me a cheap necklace off ebay (i bought him heaps of stuff that cost at least 4x as much as he spent!!) coz his sister was looking at them on ebay & he asked her if she could get one for him to give me for christmas!! so, he never even looked for something for me! :crying: but, he did it with every good intention, just wish it was a bit more thoughtful!!

[rynosmum]

I was worried people would tell me I should be lucky he even remembered it and whatever...which admittedly, is not what I want to hear.

So I thought about posting, then not posting....but decided to do it anyway. This brings back memories of a run in I had with a friend when were were about 11. I bought her a pretty writing set for Christmas - she bought me a Slurpee mug. She estimated that she spent more than me on the gift and wouldn't speak to me for a fortnight - in fact we were never actually close again. That taught me a great lesson about pressies - and I DO believe it to be the thought that counts.

Not all guys are creative in the gifts department. You want him to buy you something that you really want but won't tell him what that is. Then you're disappointed when he gets you a gift voucher when he probably thinks that it's a great idea because its his way of letting you get something you really want. Maybe he doesn't want to be judged that he bought you the wrong thing.

You admit yourself that he works very long hours, perhaps thats why he forgot to bring it over.

Why dont you make a morning of it, take him with you and go an buy something special. He can even hand over the voucher. Love him, hug him and thank him for buying you a birthday pressie. Pressies are a priviledge, not a right and he cares for you enough to get you something.

I hope you had a fantastic birthday and get something equally as fantastic with your voucher :D

[JodieC]

firstly, i've discovered with hint dropping: GUYS JUST DON'T GET IT!! unfortunately unless you TELL them directly, they won't know.

I must be lucky then. I had been looking for a new pair of earrings and while shopping a few weeks ago my fiance saw a nice pair in the window and pointed them out, I said yeah theyre nice. Then 10 days ago he suprises me with the pair of earrings for my birthday, I didnt even know he'd been to the shops. Usually he just takes the kids down on the day to get something.


But i'd be bloody peeved with a gift card. Your partner is the person who should know you best, and should know what you want and what makes you happy

[KiLLaKaZ]

i agree with rynosmum, tho - make the most of it!

get him to come shopping with you. & then at least he will/ may be able to see what sort of things you are interested in!

if he refuses to go to the shops with you just remind him that you're going out to get your birthday present from him & shouldn't he be there to help you/ be with you?! ;) (shopping for your own b'day pressie alone would SUCK!!)

[nemosmum]

SOME men are thoughtless and careless with our feelings LOL to say the least.

My DH doesnt remember these type of events on his own, after 7 years I have resigned myself to it and now tell him in advance what to get me, not very romantic but hey I get what I wnat lol so I figure it saves us fighting about it later:rolleyes:

You have every right to be angry and upset, dont feel bad aboiut being dissappointed and feeling jiped.

But remember SOME men dont think about these things the way we do etc.

[Kirstlea]

I've given up on hints :D

This year I told my Hubby, please do not buy me gift vouchers for anything, I would like you to put some thought into my present please.:eek:

Birthday is in Feb, turned out I organised my own birthday present, got a facial, massage and hair cut & colour, felt so bad about the cost I told hubby not to buy me anything else lol.

He did look after dd for the whole weekend though and took us out for dinner.

I know how hurtful it can be when your partner does not put any thought into a present but alot of men do not feel the same about present giving as women do. They couldn't care less if you don't buy them anything imo.

Ask around, you will find it is not an issue for them and so they don't see why it should be an issue for us. They are happy for you to be in your birthday suit with a bow around you. :rolleyes:

[Chickadee]

A friend of mine got socks for Christmas from a bf once. She dumped him soon afterwards.

Gifts are more important to some people than others, I'm not sure there is a male/female difference there but maybe. I agree that it's the thought that counts and you have the right to be disappointed.

And I say "disappointed" deliberately instead of "upset" because if you get upset with him after he (presumably) did his best (at least in his own mind), that just tells him that his best isn't good enough and the next time an occassion comes around he'll be even more lost at what to get you and convinced that he can't possibly get it right anyways, so why bother?

I agree that dropping hints doesn't always work, men sometimes need to be told straight out. And when you feel calm enough some time in the next few weeks it would be good to have a conversation about what his gifts mean to you and how important they are to you. Men can't be expected to realise that we sometimes put so much meaning behind gifts or use them as an indicator of our relationship unless they are told.

[Smurfette]

Arrrrr, I just had a whole long message typed and then somehow managed to delete it. Bugger :banghead:
Anyway, I am not going through it all again but I will tell you what happened for my husbands 30th and then what DIDNT happen at mine.

As a surprise I took him away for a couple of nights and on the second day I had arranged to take him skydiving. His mum had also organised for his brother to go as well so they met us there for the day. I thought he would get a real kick out of doing it with his brother and he did.

The next weekend I had secretly organised a winery bus tour with 13 of our closest friends. He had no idea until the day when I said we were going on a winery bus tour, he just thought we were going with strangers until all his friends started to arrive for a champagne brekky I had also organised. We had a ball.

For my 30th, he raced out the day before and bought me a bracelet. It was nice, not something I would have chosen though. But hey thought that counts. We ended up having a bbq. A couple of friends and my family came over from Adelaide which was nice ( I knew they were coming). It would have been nice though if he had put some real effort in. I was really disappointed as he knew I wanted to do something really exciting for my 30th.

I constantly drop hints about stuff, but he never gets it. I have given up and am going with the flow.
But having said all of that, it is really disappointing, and I would be really upset with a gift voucher.

[Biene]

Dropping hints with males just doesn't work, I have given this up with my DP and now for my birthday and christmas which are within 2 wks of each other I just write him a list with about 10 different gifts, that way I get what I want, but don't necessarily know what I'm getting.

[sharvs]

I'm with everyone else on this one. You should be angry - your birthday is at the same time every year, he had 12 months to think about what he was going to give you. They say its the thought that counts - sorry love, there wasnt too much thought there.

You sound like me. I love spoiling my partner, giving him suprises & making him feel special but when it comes to my turn, he usually says "heres so money, go get what you want". What I want is a suprise! We've been together 5 years & he is still doing the same thing. Every year I say to myself that I will do the same thing to him, but I cant - i love making him smile.

Sharon

[bekkyboo]

Its hard to say things without ppl getting mad.. so ill just say what i think anyway.

I think the fact that he got somethinge (be it that it wasnt personal) was a start. And since when did everyone forget that its the thought that counts. There is some thought in any gift - he might just be worried about getting something you dont like. I think i would have prefered an gift voucher than my present from my ex one yr (an alarm clock so that he didnt have to tell me what the time was anymore)... There are many reasons why he might have got you the voucher - remember to think like a male - not a female - they dont see it as a insult to buy a voucher - they would see it as a opening so that you can get exactly what you want.

My DF doesnt 'do' presents, but i thought that was for everyone else - and that he would get me something. I got him a present at christmas, and he didnt get me anything. I was hurt for a little while, but then i remembered - he loves me - and it doesnt matter what material things he gives me - becasue i get the best present everyday, i get him.

Please remember to look for the little things in everyday life with your partner. Little things like him sending you a message telling you he loves you, or a hug when your down. These little 'gifts' when you look for them make your life so much happier. Males arent the best a showing the emotions, but most will show things in little ways. If your only looking for grand gestures you might miss the smaller ones that melt your heart.

[JnA]

I am the complete opposite. I *always* forget our anniversary.. I have not remembered it once in the last ten years. It's coming up again soon (year 11) but I'll probably forget that too :o

DP, on the other hand, remembers everything.. anniversaries, birthdays, the day I first said 'I love you'. Lucky he's a bloke and doesn't mind when I forget. The good part for him is that if he ever forgets, I won't remember either to be upset about it.. LOL.

We certainly are from different planets.

[LilShenanigans]

firstly, i've discovered with hint dropping: GUYS JUST DON'T GET IT!! unfortunately unless you TELL them directly

I've tried telling people before, over and over again... never worked. I handed an ex a jewellery catalogue and CIRCLED any item I would like - admittedly it was all fairly expensive but for the effort I was putting into that relationship I bloody well deserved it!
But hey... ended up with a charm, a $5 charm. You know what I gave him on his birthday? a "Your dumped" notice :laughing: (oh he was bugging me anyway...!!)

Rynosmum, it's a coles gift voucher lol I dont know if you read that part? But hey, if she needs some large quanities of chocolates, ice-cream and some tissues, it'll be ok :p

I've found the best way to deal with stuff like that, give the same present back. Ok, for vouchers you may have to buy a new one, but I've always suspected that anyone who gives bad presents, actually think their good and want them for themselves ... It's a good theory and fun to practice! hehe

...Is anyone else noticing I'm just the biggest cow around?? lol

[sugar n spice]

Well at least he thought about it to some extent. my dh goes and get my present the day before. i do know what you mean a few yrs ago for my birthday my dh got me a gift voucher for a hair and body salon anyway he thought it was perfect that way i could go and have a full body massage done and unwind from the kids. ( so i did) but my problem is that a gift voucher is the easy way out. i admit on rare occasions i get gift vouchers but only when i know they want a piece of clothing from somewhere in paticular and im not sure what size. anyway i suppose its just men and they will never learn.:rolleyes:

[KiLLaKaZ]

so, is it a coles only voucher or coles-myer? if it's the latter it'd be okay, but the former would absolutely SUCK!! :( tho, u could buy copious amounts of chocolate & eat them all telling him they are comfort food... ;) hehehe

sugar n spice - it hink it was nice that he made the suggestion to get a massage - at least he had the particular gift in mind, not just a general voucher...

personally, i would have counted myself lucky to have gotten a voucher! i almost always got a big fat NOTHING from my ex & a voucher would have shown he sat least thought about me!!

[rynosmum]

Rynosmum, it's a coles gift voucher lol I dont know if you read that part? But hey, if she needs some large quanities of chocolates, ice-cream and some tissues, it'll be ok :p

The voucher is Coles/Myer and could be used at any store within the Coles/Myer chain (just like Grace Bros etc) so there's quite a number of things it could be used for.

My DH consistently goes out the day before my birthday to get me something but admittedly he IS getting better with age at choosing something I would like. We make it easier now and tell each other things throughout the year that we might like. We both get what we want and don't spend money on items that are just going to sit in the cupboard.

I can honestly say that I'd rather judge a partner on their loyalty and love than their ability to buy things. I have two close family members in hospital at the moment - it makes you realise that there are really more important things to worry about in life. Take him with you and spend the voucher on something you'll really like, he might even learn a thing or two about the things you want.

Enjoy:D

[danik]

My husband is a wonderful man. He is my soulmate and best bud but when the honeymoon part of our relationship came to a close so did the presents. He got quite slack after some well-thought of wooing in the early days.

Then one Christmas we were at my in-laws and had opened all our pressies. My MIL puts a lot of effort into buying presents for everyone and takes great pleasure in seeing us open them. But at the end of it all she turned to my FIL and asked "Okay, where's mine?" and he said "I'll take you shopping sometime".

Now, my FIL is a wonderful man also, a great father. who always is ready to offer a helping hand or lend an ear but is terrible at taking the initiative with buying presents, organising romantic things ect. I decided there and then that my DH would not turn out like that!

So from then on he bought me presents on birthdays, anniversaries ect and although they were a bit cringe-worthy to begin with (soaps, Avon things bought thru mother!!) I always made a big deal out of them to thank him for his consideration and encourage him to at least take the initiative.

The presents have gotten a lot better in time!

[KiLLaKaZ]

danik - i guess a lot of us have forgotten how effective positive reinforcement is!! we spend too much time whinging & complaining! good on you! i'm now VERY embarrassed by not being grateful for what i HAVE received! :o

[SassyMummy]

Thanks ladies!

Having read your messages, I realise that I should be grateful. Not so much that he got me a voucher...but that he got me SOMETHING.

He did say to me that the reason he got it was because he didn't know what I wanted, and didn't want to get me something I'd hate...which I guess makes sense. I do wish he put more effort in...but maybe he did have a very good look and think about it but simply couldn't find anything he thought I'd like. I don't know how much thought went into it...and I also now realise that guys don't usually think too much ahead (especially not my DP anyway).

We had an arguement about it the other day, and he asked, "If there's so much wrong with me, why are you still with me then?!" In anger, and wanting to hurt him (which is really quite horrible of me), I replied "I have no idea!". I wasn't sure it'd have much of an effect on him (I tend to think he doesn't have too much emotion...considering he doesn't show it like I do)...but later he mentioned it. He was quite upset by it...he even pouted! I then realised that i DID mean something to him and then realised that I AM lucky after all. Not all women have a man who loves them.

I sent him an SMS thanking him (he's at work) for getting me something, and something that was so flexible...where I could choose something that was perfect for me.

[Baby Girl]

I don't know how to say this without sounding horrible but...

I am glad you are over it!! Go out and buy yourself the perfect present content in the knowing that someone else has already paid for it!!

It IS the thought that counts and he does love you - that should be enough, and what do you know - it is....:thumbsup:

[LilShenanigans]

hehehe well happy shopaholic day to you :p

On the side, I do still stick to my earlier post about my ex... there was a LOT more going on there :o lol