View Full Version : Should I leave?? (long)
Hi Everyone
I dont usually post on here, even though I do come and visit everyday . I just dont know what to do, and cant talk to anyone else about it.
I'll give you a quick history. About 6 months ago I started having problems and gut feelings about my husband. He was acting different, work was more important, would quickly close down programs on his laptop when I would walk in and his mobile never left his side ever!!
I checked his mobile and he was sending messages and ringing a lady from work (who is also married). So in the end I confronted him about it all and he said he had "feelings" for a girl at work, That they had alot in common and got along really well. That was hard enough to deal with, but the thing was that the person he had feelings for wasn't the one he was ringing or sending messages.
So anyway we sorted that out, he started acting better, I though he was changing, then I went down to my parents for a week. I installed a program on the computer to check what he does. Anyway when I got back he had written a letter to the phone call and message lady, saying how great she was and how great the SEX was that one time. And how he was going to miss her when we moved interstate.
Again I confronted him, he said he was playing a joke on the lady, cause another guy who was leaving liked her and had been saying strange things. So he done this letter as though it was the other guy, for a practical joke. Not very believable but we were moving interstate the next week. So I gave him another chance and we moved.
After we had moved, he went to his work christmas party, and I had to stay at home with the kids. He came back very drunk and I looked at his Mobile. He had tried to ring her and had sent her a message saying how drunk he was and finishing the message with love ya!!. Again a big fight, I was leaving, he swore he would change. (He still has never admitted to actually doing anything)
So since then, everything has been great, he doesn't even turn his mobile on anymore. But I still had a feeling that something wasn't right. I got into his work email this time, and saw that they had been sending joke (dirty) emails and stuff. I can handle that. But then theres the messages that go along with it. Like how he hasn't been paid any attention (sex wise) for a while, and then her response how she would like to.
And then today, she sent him an email, showing a male and female having sex, his response to her was "now replace the guy with me and the girl with you"
I ended up confronting him about it all tonight, he still swears about the letter being a joke but said he did kiss her once. He once again is sorry and said he's stupid :ecomcity: , all the stuff he said before.
I read everything and I know I should just leave, but its so hard when apart from this stuff, he is a great guy,a great dad and my bestfriend.
My heart is broken, I feel like an complete fool, and I don't know what to do.
I feel bad for beeing so sneeky, but I had never any doubts about him until those time and I got proven right everytime.
Should I leave???, I always think I should. But then we have 2 kids and another in April, I'm in another state where there is only us and would have to move everything to go back home to Victoria. I would feel like a failure with our marriage. We have been married for 2 years but together on and off for nearly 11 years.
Also I'm scared of being a single mum, even though I would have the great support of my family and even his family.
Thanks for listening, and please feel free to give me your honest opinion and advice
Ruby Slippers
08-03-2006, 23:27
I really can't make your mind up , but if it was me it would not have got that far one time of hurting me and out the door :shame:
, in your relationship there should be trust both ways i really don't know how you can work this out maybe try and really talk to him sorry i could not be any help i wish for the best for you.:fingerscrossed: :hugs:
squirtle81
08-03-2006, 23:42
Sorry to hear that this has happened to you. If you find it hard to seperate from him, maybe ask him to go to councelling with you, to see if you can sort things out there. If you don't think he is going to change i would be leaving him for your kids sake.
My ex cheated on me and was always making excuses up, now i'm a single mother and he doesn't even care about his daughter. Being single is hard, but you will manage.
You have to do what is going to make you and your kids happy
GOOD LUCK!!!!!
Wow you must be going through hell darl' :hugs: !!!!
It must be really hard to try and wrap your head around it all... but honestly speaking (as you wanted) you've really got enough in front of you to tell you that things aren't working how they should and that he's not being honest with you about ANYTHING!
You need to do what's best for you and your kids and only you can decide what that is... Sorry I can't be of any help or offer any further advice but it's hard not being in your shoes. Saying this, if it were me, I wouldn't be putting up with it... You say you've got support from family and friends and I think that you should use this to your advantage. Talk to them about it and work out your options (just in case)....
Take care and do some serious thinking (don't let him fool you anymore, although it sounds like you are more than on to him) and sorry if I've been too forward.
LilShenanigans
09-03-2006, 01:37
2 ideas, but don't rely on these unless your interested! lol
1. Give him time out, either he goes or you go. Let him decide where his priorities lie, give it say a week?
That could go either way though, so isn't always full proof.
2. Move computer into lounge (or any room that always has someone else there), If you have something like Windows XP where you can set up logins (which need a mouse cursor - I am going somewhere with this lol), and anytime he may be home alone or able to access the computer in private... unplug the mouse. The other step would be to unplug the keyboard, but bulky if your going shopping :p
And lastly to that, Take the phone, if he really needs a phone, get a cheap pre paid, put the numbers he will need it in yourself and give him that one... hide the other sim card :)
I think if you go to extremes it will probably actually get through your husbands head that you are not tolerately this kind of treatment. ....they may be older, but mens minds still take as long to get through as a 2 year old :p
SweetSerenity
09-03-2006, 07:08
Hi sweety!
Firstly HUGE hugs for you :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
I really feel for you!
If i was you i would leave, but i don't have 2 nearly 3 children and im not interstate from my parents....so its a tough one.
I have always told brett, if theres ever one incident with him emotionally or physically cheating on me im gone, but i know its a lot easier said than done!
What one of the other girls said about counselling sounds like a good idea....you could always see if he'll be up for it, because if he makes no effort in trying to make you feel secure and loved, then theres a problem and i don't think he would be worth staying with if he's not willing to try and finish what he's started.
He has to know that HE"S done the wrong, not you, so he should be trying EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING to make you happy, secure, loved and stay...he owes you that. It's not fair putting you through all this doubt and hurt. If he says all the messaging and emails are finished, then it shouldn't be as simple as that...he should be working his bum off to prove it to you.
HAve a real big D&M with him and get everything out.
I hope i have helped in some way....
Take care and keep us posted!
Love nat xxx
bronny-jane
09-03-2006, 07:15
i really feel for you, what a horrible thing he has done.
trust yourself that you are strong enough to go it alone if you have to, seems like you have great support if this is the case.
i once knew a guy who cheated on his girlfriend all the time i mean like every week, and she stayed with him thinking it was just a phase and he'd come around and realise it was her he needed, sadly not the case he cheated on her when she was pregnant and actually flaunted the fact that he had a girlfriend and other women on the side, sometimes they'd even confront her, telling her that they loved him, or they were pregnant.
i asked him why he did it and he said, the first times the hardest but every time after that it gets eaiser, what a bast#rd.
if you cant trust him thats going to be a big issue for ever.
just say to him that your so much better than this and if he cant give you the respect and trust you deserve than you'll find a MAN who can. because you do deserve it.
best of luck with it all. im sure you'll do whats right for you and your family, trust your instincts.
I'm really sorry for you as well, that would be horrible. I think you need to ask yourself if you could ever trust him again. I don't think a marriage can last without trust and do you really want to live like that where you have to always worry about checking his emails, mobile phone etc. Counselling is a good option but getting that trust back will be the hardest thing I think. I'm a strong person and I would also not be hesitating in confronting the other women. Maybe, if you and your children were really in her face and she could really see what she was doing to a happy family she might also think twice. You need to show her that she can't do that to your family. That might be my anger coming out in me for you, but I can't handle dog's (men) that jeopardise their families happiness all because they have too much testosterone running through their jocks.
All the best with it.... you and your children's happiness needs to come before this jerk.....
sorry if that was a little harsh...
Tea Lady
10-03-2006, 20:38
I agree with the others about the counselling - if he really does want to change, then he should be keen to go with you. It sounds like he has treated you terribly, and you shouldn't feel bad about being "sneaky" - you wouldn't have had to if he was honest in the first place.
It sounds like an awful situation, and i really hope you find a way to sort it out :hugs:
sorry but sounds to me that if you keep allowing him to butter you up with ohj its a joke etc then he will keep on doing it i would actually ring the person he is doing it to / with and say to back off or else shed have me in her face big time iykwim:banghead: :banghead:
justtwogirls22
10-03-2006, 21:39
hi there
i know exactly how you are feeling as i was in a relationship like that for 3 years but only did all my snooping around for the last 18months - i was living in the US so it was a bit hard to leave & had no kids so in the end decided i couldnt keep going on wondering what he was doing - as he kept doing it over & over again despite promising to stop - i moved back to australia & havent looked back
only you can decide what is best for you but im here if you need to chat
huge hugs :hugs:
Hi,
Honestly why stay there is you can't trust him, Not good for you or the kids, especially if you confronted him about these stituations while the kids are around (not saying you do, just a point). I would not give him any more chance SORRY but if he has done this to you over and over again, and lied and or hidden it from you and said I wont do it again,and has.... What's stopping from doing it again and again he knows you will still be there, as you said your realtionship has been off & on for 11years! So the question is for you, Are you going to be put with his secerts and lies or end it now before you get hurt even more. If he making you miserable than leave. You know what's best trust your instints.
All the best
MissBrightside
10-03-2006, 21:57
Hi I also know how you feel my ex did that to me while I was pregnant with my 2nd. I found out when he was 3 weeks old. He was seeing someone at work. After I found this out I was also told he had kissed someone when I was pregnant with my first. I think kissing is just as bad! We got back together but I just couldnt trust him. When he first came back I looked at his phone and found all these messages he had sent. It made me feel sick. But I ignored it and tried to get on with things. He got so upset with me when I confronted him, and basically told me that he had no trust in me and that I had to gain his trust. What a D##k! He also said what I didnt know wouldnt hurt me. I loved him so much and in a way still do, but then I start thinking of the things he has said and done, it makes me ill to think someone could have such lack of respect for someone they are supposed to love and have made children with.
Im still coming to terms with being a single mum. Its been 4 weeks now. I feel lost everyday dont know where to start. But my aunty told me baby steps cos they are still steps to becoming happy again one day!
I hope shes right!:)
PM me if you ever want to chat. Sorry this has been long.
Mamaduke
10-03-2006, 22:07
I'm so sorry for you darl...:hugs:
I always said that if DH cheated on me that would be it...but....I've got children now and to be honest, I don't think I could punish my kids IYKWIM...
I think it's easy to say "leave" until you're put into this sort of situation and my main concern would be the children...why punish them for the sins of their father?
I totally agree with counselling...you can't go on checking on his every move, putting programs on the computer, checking his email & phone...it's just not a pleasant way to live. But in order to do counselling he really needs to be a man and admit the things that he's done wrong and feel remorse for them (and not because he got caught) real remorse for hurting you, being deceitful and treating you (and your family) so appallingly.
I wouldn't be able to help myself...I'd call this woman and let her know that I'm onto her...but that's me...never one to keep my mouth shut!! When I was alot younger my boyfriend cheated on me with some tart and the thing that really made me mad wasn't the fact that he cheated on me...it was the fact that I was being thought of as the fool, like I had absolutely no idea what was going on and I was stupidly oblivious to it....I confronted her in the street one day and just quietly let her know that I knew...I felt so much better afterwards.
Talk to your hubby and try and get counselling...I wish you all the very best, and remember we're all here to help each other...:hugs:
I agree with everything Carly said! :yelclap:
The only thing I would add is that calling her - if you go about it the right way - can be a good way for you to get to the truth of the situation since it's unlikely your husband will tell you everything unless he's backed into a corner.
If you phone her ranting and raving, she's more likely to dismiss you or perhaps not be truthful, but if you calmly tell her you know what's going on and need some answers so you can make decisions for yourself and your children, you might get a better reception... THEN tell her she's a skanky ho-bag! ;)
Hi I also know how you feel my ex did that to me while I was pregnant with my 2nd. I found out when he was 3 weeks old. He was seeing someone at work. After I found this out I was also told he had kissed someone when I was pregnant with my first. I think kissing is just as bad! We got back together but I just couldnt trust him. When he first came back I looked at his phone and found all these messages he had sent. It made me feel sick. But I ignored it and tried to get on with things. He got so upset with me when I confronted him, and basically told me that he had no trust in me and that I had to gain his trust. What a D##k! He also said what I didnt know wouldnt hurt me. I loved him so much and in a way still do, but then I start thinking of the things he has said and done, it makes me ill to think someone could have such lack of respect for someone they are supposed to love and have made children with.
Im still coming to terms with being a single mum. Its been 4 weeks now. I feel lost everyday dont know where to start. But my aunty told me baby steps cos they are still steps to becoming happy again one day!
I hope shes right!:)
PM me if you ever want to chat. Sorry this has been long.
Good on you Sarah for standing up for yourself and leaving him. I think your very brave.
BEst of wishes
diamonds22
11-03-2006, 09:20
Hi leearna , how r u feeling?? are things getting better...I think people on here have made some really good suggestions...
I've nva been through what u are..but its my ultimate fear...I think that its disgusting that your partner and that girl are showing no respect for you or your children!...what hes doin is really inapproiate.....and its bulls**** that he thinks he can keep getting away with it.
To be honest...If I were you...I would give him a serious wakeup call....like goin to a motel/friends place for a week, i would do it while he was at work and I would only call him once to tell him you and the kiddies are safe...and that he has some serious thinking to do because he dosant deserve you or the kids at the moment. I would agree to come back in a weeks time providing he is serious about your relationship and that HE books and has a date for counselling.
As soon as I return home...(with the name and date of counseller) I would make him call the girl in front of you and tell her that he has been a pathetic lying husband...and everything they have said was inappropriate and it wont happen again. (or something like that in his own words)
Leearna, I think you need to put your foot down now..and be strong for u and your kids....you dont deserve that crap and your kids deserve a dad that respects and honors his wife...
I hope you do what you feel is right....but women have good intuition..forget about your heart for a moment (i know easier said then done!)...and just listen to your head...I know your a smart beautiful women lol and that f***** should start treating you that way!!!!
Take care sweety.
mwah:kiss:
MissBrightside
11-03-2006, 10:17
Thanks Kim! I appreciate your kind words. Its nice to know there are people out there who care and listen.
Hi leearna,
I think what you have to remember here is you are far from being a failure no matter what move you take, you have everyones emotions to think about and like mine when i was younger they come last.
Your instinct will be telling you what to do take a hold of it and listen even if you take a break a so called holiday from your partner you will see things more clearly and maybe so will he, i know i know you dont want uproot the kids and its all to hard but this situations cause drastic measures but i found in this situation the kids are alot tuffer than adults and seem to just adjust as long mummy is not sad. Cheerup this bump in the rollercoaster feels like it wont end but it will and no matter what comes of it, it will make you stronger no women needs to put up with this, your doing a great job and maybe some family counselling for you and your partner will help.
You have made the first step and not just turning a blind eye to it all, like it hasent happend, you know dont rock the boat:banghead:
cheers.
treightonsmum
11-03-2006, 22:01
Hi Leearna,
I dont like to give advice but I will share my experience with you.
I was with my baby's dad for 3 years, I met him 6 months after my marriage broke down. He was my absolute soul mate and I so loved him dearly and I still do. He was my best friend, a fabulous friend to my two children and the most loving man I have ever met. We had what I thought was a relationship to be envied by others. We loved all the same things and lived our days fishing, walking, camping and doing family stuff.
Things started to change about a year into our time together, like your man he started hiding his phone, phone bills and was making work excuses for not coming home on time and said he was with his boss and had to stay overnight yada yada yada. I started to check up things - as you did- checked text messages when he was asleep, found hidden phone bills and pieces of paper with phone numbers on them (other women). I confronted him about it, listened to his similar reasons and excuses and resolved to feel that it was better to keep trying to make things work because everything else was so good.
Time passed and by the 3rd year we were going to get married. He had decided to give up work and study at Uni in a town 3 hours away where his parents live and stay with them. We saw each other each weekend and I was growing more suspicious each day. I was still not so sure about how I was feeling with a gut instinct that he was still up to no good. I found out I was pregnant in June last year and when I was eight weeks along we decided to tell his parents the good news. I was very surprised and worried that their response was not of joy but more a reserved 'great news'! Anyway I put my suitcase in my partners grannyflat and noticed a piece of paper under the lounge and picked it up. Another womans number in his handwriting. I confronted him again and he denied even having written it and said I should ring the number. I waited til I got back and I did. To cut a long story short I was gutted and devestated to find out he had basically been living a total lie with me and had been living a totally different life to what he was with me. Sex, alchohol, drugs. Partying every night!
I had been like you and allowed myself to be lied to constantly. He had manipulated me into forgiving him for the things he had done in the past by making me feel I was wrong not him. I made a decision to end the relationship as I knew in my heart that I would never trust him again no matter what we did.
Yes its so painful, its very scary being pregnant and making that kind of decision, but it was kinder to me and my heart and serenity to end it there and grieve and get through it. A life time with a person you cannot trust is far more painful than to go. My children also would have ultimately suffered from my misery and god knows how they would turn out from living with such oppression in there home.
I made a commitment to myself to get through it and get strong for my children and my unborn baby- they need me and they are so much more important than him. Its not been easy but one day at a time and easy does it got me through it.
I am so happy now, I have a precious baby boy and two very happy children. Its because Im free of all the insanity of suspision. I only check up on me now and leave him to his own guilt and the insanity that he has to live with.
I guess you have to ask yourself the tough questions and be honest with yourself about what you know you feel deep down inside yourself. You may find there in your heart the strength and courage to do what is right for you. The old saying is; If it looks like chicken and it smells like chicken, well it is chicken. Be kind to yourself Leearna, thinking of you...lol and big:hugs: for you....Kathy.
Baby Girl
11-03-2006, 23:48
Personally I don't know how you can justify staying with him!!
You say he is your best friend but is he treating you that way??? Um, NO!! If he means what he says then you wouldn't keep finding emails, texts etc that contradict everything he says to you.
The more times you forgive him the more times he is going to keep doing it. If all it takes is a few smooth words to calm you down then why should he stop when he thinks he can just explain it all away!!
I can understand where you are coming from when you say you have 2 kids and a 3rd on the way but do you really want them growing up thinking that it is okay for one spouse to cheat and keep getting away with it while you tear your hair out trying to keep it all together. Trust me they will cotton on to what is happening quicker than you might give them credit for. He is their role model for what a man is like. Do you want your daughter to marry a man like that? Or your son to be a man like that?
Such a hard decision and such an important one. Good Luck and :hugs:
Thank You so much for everyones replies and advice, it has really helped.
He has been sleeping in the spare room since I confronted him about it all, and I have decided I will be leaving once the baby is born. I only have about 4 weeks to go, it will give me the chance to get everything together, and I'd rather not have to try to change hospital and states right now.
I emailed the other woman as that was the only details I was able to get. I told her what was going on and what I thought. Of course I haven't heard anything from her, which isn't a suprise :eek: . All contact between them has ment to of stopped, but I now only feel that it has stopped because I have told her that I know. I think he wouldn't have stopped it on his own.
I asked if he would go to counseling, and he said if I wanted him to go then he would. So that might be worth it later on, but at the moment I'm sick of living my life as a :detective: . My children and I deserve better and he certainly didn't care about us to do what he did.
So thank you again you have all been so great, I feel like I'm not alone in all this
Thanks :thumbsup:
Bewitched
13-03-2006, 08:15
2 ideas, but don't rely on these unless your interested! lol
1. Give him time out, either he goes or you go. Let him decide where his priorities lie, give it say a week?
That could go either way though, so isn't always full proof.
2. Move computer into lounge (or any room that always has someone else there), If you have something like Windows XP where you can set up logins (which need a mouse cursor - I am going somewhere with this lol), and anytime he may be home alone or able to access the computer in private... unplug the mouse. The other step would be to unplug the keyboard, but bulky if your going shopping :p
And lastly to that, Take the phone, if he really needs a phone, get a cheap pre paid, put the numbers he will need it in yourself and give him that one... hide the other sim card :)
I think if you go to extremes it will probably actually get through your husbands head that you are not tolerately this kind of treatment. ....they may be older, but mens minds still take as long to get through as a 2 year old :p
MumforOne, i agree totally with everything you just said, couldn't have put it better myself. I am so sorry for you leearna, having to deal with all this - i had an ex who was exactly the same....he actually had the audacity to tell me he had found his birthsister in Sydney (when i was 21 and pregnant with twin girls to him) and left m eon my own for my 21st to go and 'meet' her. I found out three days later from his best friend who felt sorry for me and told me - itwas a girl from a chatline! It hurt harder than normal because i actually am adopted too so i was so happy for him when he said he going off to meet her. Never underestimate a mans fidelity i've learnt; they will go to hell and back sometimes for sex with another, but won't give up 30 minutes at work to attend an ultrasound appointment with you.... Watch your back and dont you dare feel guilty about snooping, you have every right to know what he's up to. Hugs to you precious, you're going to be alright, you have beautiful children to see you through it.
They were really good suggestions but unfortunatly they had already been done, apart from the time out.
When he got caught out with his mobile last time, and he swore it wouldn't happen again, he started leaving his phone at home, and now he doesn't use it at all, its never even turned on. Thats what made me think that he really was changing and making an effort.
Our computer is in our lounge room, it always has been, when he was doing the chatting at home, it was on his work laptop which he doesn't have anymore, or with the letter incident it was while I was away.
All the recent stuff has been going through his work email and messenger, I was able to see his work email to a degree, enough to see things I don't like, but that could be a tiny amount of whats actually been going on. I can't and should have to be checking what he types and does at work.
Its amazing how even though they don't work together anymore and we live in a different state to her now, how easy it is to still cheat (Written is the same as physical in my books).
gelfling_girl I'm so sorry for what happened to you. That is horrible!!!The internet certainly has its bad side, but the good side is you can get great support from people like you:)
Hi Learnna,
I understand completely where you are coming from... it must be something about girls from work/uni... my ex and I were living together for close to a year... we had a "time out" close to the start of things for a few reasons, in which time he boasted about having a date with some hot blonde chick from work.... anyway we got back together and he had said things had been sorted and never happened with her anyway... he actually told me she had left the organisation....
Well one night I caught him in a lie, he received a msg, and when I asked who it was from he said his best friend, turns out it was from this girl.... when I confronted him he lied flat out, I told him he must of thought I was an idiot because I had read the msg and knew who it was from... I walked out (he was staying at his parents at the time)... I gave him an ultimatum that he make up for it now or never, and he followed me home, cried, and said he would never lie again....
Well a couple of mths later I noticed her name on an email he fwded, it was still at his work address, so I questioned him about it... his response was so what if she still worked there.... I don't think he ever felt sorry about it.... and he actually tried to make me feel bad for asking....
For the last few mths of our relationship I always felt anxious, like something wasn't quite right, I found msg's from him to a girl he went to uni with, only a friend he said.... he made me feel like a down right idiot everytime I questioned him, but I just had a gut feeling that I couldn't trust him.... little lies started appearing everywhere, and he was so stupid that he never used the same details twice when telling the same story.....
Anyway he decided to move back to his parent's to save for a house, seemed he wanted to spend more time with his mates, and although we were still together, he seemed to never be able to make time for me.... it was strange however that he could find time to take this "friend" from uni out to dinner....
I never had any proof that anything happened between the two of them, but the feeling of anxiousness, mistrust, being lied to, and gut instinct was enough for me....
I found out I was pregnant in late November, definitely unplanned, but a wonderful surprise, he didn't feel the same way, didn't fit with his rigid plans, and come the day before christmas it was over.... he has barely contacted me since, doesn't even know that he will have a daughter come July.... wouldn't surprise me if he was too busy with this girl
Basically to cut a long story short.... trust is an easy thing to lose, and a hard thing to regain.... living a life of anxiety and second guessing someones everymove is no way to live, for you or your kids..... you deserve better, you deserve to feel loved, special and like you are the only woman in the world.... I see that now too... and wish I had never wasted a moment pining over my ex.... he is not worthy of my trust, respect or love! And if he is not worthy of that, then its suffice to say he is not worthy of his daughters either!
Personally I don't know how you can justify staying with him!!
You say he is your best friend but is he treating you that way??? Um, NO!! If he means what he says then you wouldn't keep finding emails, texts etc that contradict everything he says to you.
The more times you forgive him the more times he is going to keep doing it. If all it takes is a few smooth words to calm you down then why should he stop when he thinks he can just explain it all away!!
I can understand where you are coming from when you say you have 2 kids and a 3rd on the way but do you really want them growing up thinking that it is okay for one spouse to cheat and keep getting away with it while you tear your hair out trying to keep it all together. Trust me they will cotton on to what is happening quicker than you might give them credit for. He is their role model for what a man is like. Do you want your daughter to marry a man like that? Or your son to be a man like that?
Such a hard decision and such an important one. Good Luck and :hugs:
Couldnt have worded it better myself :thumbsup:
Im wondering if there is an issue of co-dependance here?
Are you afraid to go it alone? and what the future holds:confused:
I was 9 months preg with 2 kids under my wing when i had to run from my ex and ended up in a refuge. It was the hadest decision to make.. But a leopard doesnt change its spots! If he has done this to you once.... he'll more then likely do it again.. sounds to me as though its all a game.. and he's doing it because he can!
I would seriously be throwing all his stuff out the door... you say you want to wait 4 weeks til you have the bub... maybe that might make it harder for you, because then you will feel as though you need him more, and he will see you at a vulnerable stage, and suck you in even further??
i think your treading on very thin ice here... in the end its up to you, you need alot of support and encouragement from here on in... good luck :fingerscrossed:
LockieCJsmum
15-03-2006, 11:07
I just read your email and just feel awful for you. I can understand why you don't want to leave. It must be so scary, the thought of being a single mum. I would be scared too. But you can't be treated like this. You have got to believe in yourself. You have power within you that you haven't discovered yet.
He will make all the promises in the world to change and it will be hard to keep going but you have to respect yourself. You are too good to be treated like that. You don't love him... you are in love with who you want him to be... who he should be. A good father and best friend doesn't betray you like he is.
Please try and believe in yourself. If he won't see a counsellor with you, consider leaving. Although it will be hard to start with, you'll be so proud of yourself in the long run. And you will find happiness again. Remember that courage is not the absence of fear, but to feel the fear and do it anyway. Don't let him treat you like this and don't fall for the lies.
I know I'm being harsh but I just don't want you to be treated badly. You deserve better.
Please stay strong and I hope it all works out for you. I'm thinking of you.:hugs:
lovinmum
15-03-2006, 11:27
Hi,
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I am new to this and i think all the advice that everyone has given you is great. You need to stop worry (harder than it sounds) about him and concerntrate on yourself and your kiddies! You need to find the strength inside yourself to evaluate what you as a beautiful person deserve in life. :yelclap:
You DON"T deserve that and nor do your kids, and although it's a great idea for the kids if you stay, is it really in the long run? You have that strength inside to achieve anything you want. Being a single mum and dealing with everything will be the hardest step you would ever make but wouldn't it be easier than going through the hurt and pain all the time, or always worrying and not trusting.
Only you can make that decission, but with love and support, your decission would be made easier.
I so wish you good luck and i hope you find the strength inside, you deserve the best, please don't settle for anything less.:thumbsup:
Only you know what is best for you but I don't think you should leave your marriage until you know you have done everything in YOUR power (if he doesn't do anything you can't help that) to save it. Every relationship goes through rough patches, especially when children come along, it doesn't mean you should jump ship.
Your husband is having issues. Wether or not he actually slept with this person is irrelevent. What he is doing is not appropriate for a married man and it needs to stop NOW. Even if it is just a joke (which I seriously doubt) its not the sort of joke a married man should be having!! I think you both need some counciling.
Hang in there and vent on Bub Hub whenever you feel the need.
I agree with just about everyone else's comments to you. You are a beautiful spirit in your own right and deserve to be loved and accepted unconditionally.
Your kids deserve this, your new baby deserves this but without you believing you deserve it nothing will change. Be true to yourself and know that everything will be ok.
Talk to a phone counsellor if you can't speak to your family. Get an independant professional opinion. If need be jump on Centrelinks doorstep, see a social worker there and they will put you in a refuge house. Everything will be provided, the will help you help yourself if you don't feel you can make the big move interstate at the moment. They will go to the hosptial with you, support all decisions you want to make.
I have been in exactly the same situation as you and I cannot begin to tell you how your life can change more than you could ever imagine it if you just take that chance. You are obviously very upset and sad, and being pregnant too has just got to be awful but there are people out there who will help you, you just have to keep knocking on doors until the right one for you opens...........
You say he is your best friend.....I dont let my friends treat me like that and I am amazed now how I used to let my husband treat me..........
You know what they say a Leopard never changes it spots.............................
Big hugs and kisses:kiss:
Tren
lawmummy
12-04-2006, 10:43
Hi,
I just thought i would tell you my story.
Unlike most i'm not the one who was cheated on, i was doing the cheating. I was a lot younger and made a mistake.
Since that relationship i have mtured and am now with a beautiful man in a relationship which everybody envys.We have beautiful 5yr old boy and another due september 11. We trust each other totally, i cn go out with friends and stay the night at male friends houses if i can't make it home without ny problems. There are two things that i agree with everyone else about trust is everything in a relationship, and only you can know what's right for you.
The old saying that a lepard doesn't change it's spots is wrong. I cheted once but havn't done it again.
During my current relationship we have had fights and i have almost left him to move form NSW back to SA with my mum. We went through counceling and found that many of the problems we were having related back to my childhood. My mother ad father separated when i was about 2 or 3 and i always felt insecure about my partner. Since then our relationship has gotten better and is now unbreakable. We tlk all the time about everything and thats what keeps us strong.
What i'm about to say may upset some people but please remember it is only one persons opinion. Sex is an intergral part of a relationship, i found this out the hard way. Without sex men feel insecure and unloved. During an argument with my current partner he told me he was spending more time with the girls at work because they made him feel sexy, so i asked why don't i make you feel sexy and he said that he though i was unattracted to him because our sex life had change from once every 2 days to once a week if he was lucky.
Just remember that only you can make the right desicion for you, as it will effect your children for the rest of there lives!!!!!
And even though they are men they still get insecure but usually can't tell you directly only indirectly.
Try counceling before you make any rash decisions, in the end you will make the best decision for you.
Cheers.
As Dr Phil would say "what's worse than being with a cheat for 13 years?.......being with a cheat for 13 years and 1 day!!!"...and I totally agree.
From experience, you don't need this anxiety and depression in your life...and in the lives of your children. Kids are pretty clever and can pick up on people's moods etc. You don't want them feeling tense and nervous whenever they see Mummy & Daddy in the room. I also think you guys need time out - give him a taste of what he would miss if you all left. It can go either way.......but at least you'll know for sure.
Good luck...and keep us posted.
An2net
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