View Full Version : A Big Shock... What to Do!
tired*mummy
19-12-2007, 14:53
Hi everyone
I'm not sure what to do about this family problem. Its abit long, sorry i will try to shorten it.
Here goes...
My dad recently told my sister, my brother & i that he is a transexual & he is going to have a sex change. :(
Apparently this has been going on for 7 years & he has bee seeing pysciatrists (sp?) for 7 years & other specialists etc. He has been on hormones for the past 2 years & has already... wait for it... has A cup breasts. He has been making a few changes to his appearance over the years which we have noticed but thought maybe he might have been gay or going thru a mid life crisis. He is 52. His wife.. which isnt my mum is supporting him threw this & i dont really understand how she can. She's still in shock too i think even though she has known about it for the last 7 years. He is about to go threw his transition, where he will dress like a woman. He has to live like a woman for 2 years before he has the finally big change. He's is changing his name soon & doesnt want us to call him dad from now on. This really hurts & upsets me & not sure how i should feel about this whole situation. Also what are DH & I supposed to tell our kids? We have no idea what to do & neither do my mum, sister or brother. Dh is scared that if we tell the girls that if they say anything (mainly DD1) at kinder or school then they might get teased or bullied etc. Or other parents might feel uncomfortable for their children to play with our girls etc. I dont want it to harm/ruin my daughters first year of school. People say that they girls wont understand or notice but i know DD1 will. She saw Elmo kiss a boy on TV the other day & said ewww... thats gross. Boys dont kiss Boys :laughing: So i'm pretty sure that she is going to notice this big change with her grandfather. Also my dad doesnt want the kids to call him Pop anymore either. What the hell are they supposed to call him? His new female name. I dont want that. I dont think i can even call him what he wants to be called. I am under alot of stress because of this. I want my children to have a grandfather & they wont now. DH's dad isnt around anymore so they dont have him either. Its so unfair for them. We really dont know if we should cut off contact or let them see him? Should we ask a child pyscologist to ask them whats the best way to deal with this? I'm not sure if i even want to continue seing him... i dont think i can see him like that. What to do? Any advice would be great... or if anyone has ever had to deal with this sort of thing.
neostudded
19-12-2007, 14:59
Iam sorry to hear that :(:hugs:
I really havent been though anything like that before so I dont have any advice.To be honest I dont know what id do in your positon.But I couldnt say nothing, what a tough situation your in.:hugs:I would be shocked to.
Ruby Slippers
19-12-2007, 15:03
That is a BIG shock it must be such a Relief ,
for your Dad to finally tell ,
he is still your Dad and loves you ,
and you want him to be happy ,
I hope you can ALL work things out
and still stay in contact :)
greengables
19-12-2007, 15:03
oh huny i have no advice except that if u can somehow work thru it and accept him for him(her?)self - ie the soul - then u won't have lost him (her?) i agree it will b confusing and hard!!
prideNJoy
19-12-2007, 15:04
wow, firstly :hugs: to you and your family. I can understand that this must be so hard to come to grips with. Im not sure how well i would handle a situation like this either.
I don't have any sound advice other than take each day as it comes i guess.
And i think talking to someone ie: psychologist(sp) or the likes would probably be a good idea, they at least would be able to give you some steps on how to cope and manage this change that you will all go through.
Good luck, hope it all works out for everyone.
Hi darl firstly big hugs for you and your family:hugs:
I havent been through anything like this but though i might suggest maybe ringing lifeline to talk to someone about how you can try and deal with this and a way to tell your kiddies about it.
It must be a very hard situation for you and i wish you all the best.
I'm no expert, but I think you and your DH should see a counsellor. Get some off the load off and ask about all the questions relating to the kids...
tired*mummy
19-12-2007, 15:28
I should have added that my sister, brother & i arent very close to my dad. He's never really been there for us. He left my mum when i was 12 & he was always working when i was growing up so not home alot... mainly overseas. Thats were he met his other wife. He says he's always had feelings like this even before he married my mum. Why then would he marry someone else? I understand that it would have been really hard for him to keep his secret for so long & it would be a relief for him to get it out in the open. My mum said he's happy now because he has put his burden & stress on all of us. My mum doesnt care what he does but she is very annoyed that he has done this to us & especially his grand kids.
This is a tough one and I dont have any advice for you except that I hope that you guys can find a way to make it all work.
Good luck
Hi, i'm so sorry you are going through this, but i also feel that your Dad does need support through this rather than close the doors on him.
I found this article that is from another person who's father came out as a transexual, may have similar thoughts to yourself.
http://www.lib.latrobe.edu.au/AHR/archive/Issue-August-1997/gunther.html
Also if you have access to a decent library or even do a bit of googling, you may find some books about it, or ask your father if he has any info, the more info and understanding you have i think you'll best be able to accept his transition and still have a relationship with him as a 'dad' and also he is still your children's grandad. Goodluck and i know it would be very hard and confusing, but with support from everyone i'm sure you will work through this.
punkbaby
19-12-2007, 15:43
Big hugs to you whilst i respect your fathers wishes, seeing his obviously been researching it getting the advice etc he needs, i totally see how hard it must be for you and your children, it will be hard on them.
Can you talk to his psych to find out the best way to talk to your kids about this? Just a thought, she may have some great advice seeing she obviously has a lot of experience in dealing with gender transformations, although it will never be easy it may take a load off your back if she can point you in the right direction for your own benefit and your childrens
:hugs: What a lot to deal with! Has group therapy been discussed where you can all sit down together to discuss your feelings as well as his? Your Dad must be expecting repercussions after his announcement - probably why he kept it to himself for so long.
I know it will be a lot for the girls to deal with at first but keep in mind how much you can remember of when you were 4/5yrs old. My memories are hazy. If things are handled with care kids are pretty resiliant and hopefully they won't remember the drama but will accept the switch in family roles without too much fuss!
Also remember friends can be the family you choose for yourselves - although it's nowhere near the same I'm sure the girls will be surrounded by people who love them and maybe there is even some older males you know who can have a more conventional grandfatherly or great-uncle kind of role in their lives.
:hugs: More hugs cos I just don't know if I'm putting my foot in it and not actually helping at all. You know we are all here for you sweetie! Take care of yourself and DH!
OMG!!!................:hugs: and :hugs:and :hugs: and support if you want to talkis what most of uscan do for you....... I personally would see a child psych on this one even if it is just to see what to say to the kids, do your brother and sis have kids?? if so you might want to get together with them when you all tell the kids that way they are all being told the same thing and there will be none of the but our mummy told me....................atleast he isnt the only male role model you rely on for your kids but just curious what does he want you and your kids to call him now???...........................also i feel for his wife as she is most probably confused and how close do you live to him, do you have to put up with the changes on a constant basis or will he just turn up one day and it will be a major shock........................goodluck with what ever you decide just remember we are all here to listen even if its a major vent!!!!!:hugs: :hugs::hugs:
Oh goodness, what a situation to be in. Lots of :hugs: to you.
When I first read it, I thought, probably just need to accept him for who he is or wants to be but as I read on and realised he doesnt want you to call him Dad or the Grandkids to call him Pop...well... I think thats really sad.
And I honestly dont know what to tell you to do. I hope you can figure it out hun. And again, Im sorry to hear your going thro such an unexpected tough time xox
tired*mummy
19-12-2007, 20:19
Thanks all for your replies everyone.
TobMac - He wants us to call him his new female name which will be Madalyn. Besides DH he is probably the only other male role model for the kids. I dont see my brother alot & DH doesnt have any brothers. DH's father isnt around either & they will never see him. They have no great uncles that they see very often either so its quite sad. He said he would do the change slowly, not just show up one day & shock all of us, well i hope not anyway.
He is having speech therapy too... he starting to talk alot weirder than usually & its quite freaky. He is going to have other major changes too which i think will be quite a shock for me. He's having hair implants, cheek implants, maybe even breast implants.
My sister has a little girl who is 3 & my brother & his wife are expecting their first child in April so i'm bascially the only one with an child that is a little older. It will be alot easier for them to tell there kids, especially my brother. He wont even have to introduce his son to him as his grandfather. My dd1 will notice & i think it will effect her more because she gets very attached to people. She is an very emotional loving kid & alot of things upset her. She has seperation anxiety from my mum... never wants to leave her.
My Sis, Bro, Sil, DH & my mum are all getting together next week to have a group discussion on how we feel about things & i spose just listen to each others opinions. No decisions will be made though as we all have different opinions etc. We have discussed group therapy for my dad, sis, brother & myself & then i've talked to DH about therapy for myself & him to talk about the kids & what is the best way to go about telling them or not telling them.
Its so hard to decide what is best for everyone.
all i can say is goodluck, i hope you work out something between all of you, that you feel happy with (as much as you can be happy), the big thing to me would be how to introduce him to someone ie hi ??? this is my dad?? (yep its boilogically my dad) does your dad work? what do they say about it and what about his sibling do they know and what do they think??? are his parents still alive???
Its a tremendous stressfull experience on all but just do what feels right for you and your family...........keep us all up to date as in todays world who knows whose parent or sibling may do it next and they may need support..............
Try and have a cheerful xmas:xmas:
tired*mummy
19-12-2007, 20:45
He hasnt told his brother yet. His mum is still alive but dont think he is going to tell her. He does work too. They dont know about it yet. He wants to tell them & his collegues & then have some annual leave to do his tranistion then come back as Madalyn. Its going to be so hard for him. He says hes always been unhappy how he is but why would you put yourself thru something that couldmake you even more unhappy. There are lot of judgemental people out there but also some very accepting people. I can accept peoples decisions to do things & i'm pretty open minded when it comes to these types of things but he's my dad lol... its harder when its someone so close to you.
If he had come to us & said he was gay it would have been alot easier to deal with, easier on the kids. We wouldnt have to reintroduce him as someone new. I just really dont know how i can tell me kids about this without it affecting them in some way.
Thanks for all your support though... makes me feel alot better. :hugs:
But he is someone new (and I know that is so much harder for you to deal with). I know that it must be painful that he doesn't want you to call him Dad or Pop anymore, but really, if he is going to make this change, that is just something you are going to have to do. He simply can't live as a woman and still have you all call him dad / pop.
I think that sometimes these men try to be hyper masculine to try and get rid of these feelings, that would explain the second marriage. It must be so sad to live your life this way, it is a good thing that he is taking positive action (though I know, that for you lot, it not an easy thing for you to cope with).
I think you've just got to be straight with your kids and maybe tell their carers too, so that they can squash any flack that arises. There must be some books and things to help you work out how best to handle it...
amychloe
19-12-2007, 22:58
oh love how stressful for everyone involved.:(
you say that your not all that close to him/her???
get some good advise from professionals for your kiddies. kiddies so young can adapt to changes easier. talk to your dad and ask him what he thinks the kids should call him and explain to him that you a worried about the effect its going to have them and maybe for his input into the situation regarding them. its really good that your trying hard to keep a relationship with your dad and your family in a situation like this.
I didnt grow up with any grandparents even now they come and go in my life, and i didnt have a strong male influence in my life and ive turned out alright!!!:p
but your little ones obvisouly have a beautiful mum and dad and that is what is most important in a family unit.
i really hope that everything works out for you and your family, from personal experience i always put my dd and df before anyone else in my family and it has meant that i longer have any contact with the man who helped my mother to concieve me and he will have no contact with dd again. it has taken a load of my shoulders and i feel better for it, but it was not an easy decision and one to think really hard about. maybe decide if you want to support your dad through this or walk away. then you can think about how you can tell your kids or if you want to tell them and seek advise from a professional to support the kids. arrgghh im sorry im blabbing :ecomcity::ecomcity: i hope it all works out for everyone involved with not too many:crying:
i hope you and your family have a beautiful christmas and the new year brings lots of joy and happiness:xmas:
Hiya hon! Gosh :hugs: Yes the 'state of complete shock' makes a lot of sense now.
A lot of helpful things people have said I think and xkwzit comments are pretty close to what I was thinking. But is so much easier for us to think and write than to you to live it. So apologies of course if any sounds blase.
Firstly you're not alone.
Secondly he;s been thinking about it for so many years and the suddenness of it is certainly still a wound to you and family. But the ole 'time heals all' is so true. Well at least in time it may not seem so outlandishly strange.
I met the family of friends of friends a few years ago, really normal country folk who were dealing with the standard highs and lows. In the course of the night they brought out the photo album and amongst other events, talked about their brother who was now transgender. Yes, it was a few years later and yes, they still thought it was 'quirky' for want of a much better word.. but they also knew that there was a part of his personality and self that had not been at all happy.
Your beautiful girls, yep that is hard, especially yr oldest..I think SammyG said some good things there. So hard to not make light of it, (cos its much more than 'dress ups') or make a big issue of it either. As for male role models their Dad is the biggest and best of all.. Friends of theirs, well, shouldn't be a big issue, esp if you're not all close. I don't remember grandpas getting any mention when I was a youngun, of course mine had died well before.
I know a little boy 7 who's 'Mum' was the female partner of his Mum (now deceased). He is the normallist, fun, interesting, active, engaging boy, I don't know if he's teased about having a Mum who's not his Mum..but I think he'll be able to handle it if so.
ALL the best hon! Am sure that there will be understanding from your Dad on the time it will take for you all to even begin to think about accepting the news. The family meeting sounds scary, so :goodvibes: to all.
Happy Sierra Grace Christmas!!!! and all the birthdays of so many special girls!!! xx
SixtiesChild
20-12-2007, 00:52
oh I'm so sorry sweetie, :hugs:I feel really sad for you.
It's OK to not like it, there is nothing wrong with not liking something like this.
I would talk to your dad and tell him that it hurts you that he doesn't want you to call him dad and that you're losing a part of yourself in his transition.
You are his lovely daughter after all and he shouldn't be able to take away your basic right to call him dad.
He needs to know that this major transition is not all about him and that life will never be the same for many people around him. It will impact many areas of your life unexpectedly, not just his. He needs to know that others will be hugely impacted.
I agree with the other posters that said it would be wise to get some sort of Specialised counselling concerning how to best handle this for the sake of your kids. This is an important step for you. :sunshine:
Lastly, take your time to cultivate friendships to try and fill the void. This could take years but is well worth the effort.
Goodluck & Best wishes
wow, firstly :hugs: to you and your family. I can understand that this must be so hard to come to grips with. Im not sure how well i would handle a situation like this either.
I don't have any sound advice other than take each day as it comes i guess.
And i think talking to someone ie: psychologist(sp) or the likes would probably be a good idea, they at least would be able to give you some steps on how to cope and manage this change that you will all go through.
Good luck, hope it all works out for everyone.
I agree with Mel and alot of the other ladies have given the same kind of advice.
TTannyaa
20-12-2007, 10:02
Firstly great big hugs to you, what a huge shock :hugs:
I like to think that if I was in the same situation that I would be supportive because he's my dad.....but I'm not in the same situation and I can't imagine what you are going through. You've got us to support you whatever you decide.
Goodluck to you and your family :hugs:
:hugs::hugs::hugs: Such a big thing to be lumped with, especially since he gave you no indication of this before.
To a certain degree I think you are lucky the girls are still this young. Maybe a way of introducing them to the idea is Pop is playing 'dress up' and part of the 'fun' is he wants a new name. Maybe even put it to the girls to find a name they are comfortable calling him. Kids are very resilliant and will pick up your feelings on the matter very quickly, so if you're outwardly positive about it all, they will be too.
:hugs:
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