View Full Version : Maybe Baby...Can i be a good mum at 18?
Hey everyone... i joined this website a while ago as my sister found out she was pregnant and i thought i might find some useful stuff for her... but now, faced with a whole new dilemma i've decided to have another look on the website. I found out i was pregnant a week ago - i'm currently 7 weeks (i'm 17... but will be 18 by the time baby is born) my first initial reaction was that i wanted to have an abortion and so i told my parents, and they were completely okay about it (much to my surpirse!!) they said they would support me with any decision... but yesterday i started having second thoughts about the whole procedure... i work and study in child care, and i believe i wont be able to face up to work everyday with all the little kids, knowing what i had done. I have been with the baby's father for 2 and a half years (he will be 21 next month) and we are very close. He says its up to me what i choose to do because its my body, but he supports me 100% with whatever i choose. My parents are keen on me having the baby as they are very supportive, financially stable and absoloutley adore kids. They say even if my boyfriend does not stick around, they will support me financially and emotionally through the whole thing. With nothing to lose (except maybe a boyfriend somewhere down the track) should i have the baby, or go with my initial instinct to have an abortion????? Such a hard decision to make at such a young age! All i know is that i want this baby to have a good upbringing and i want to be able to give it the best of everything... can i still do this at 18??? society says no, but what do u think???
p.s I was on the pill at the time... its called trifeme, has anyone else had a failure on this before??!?! I guess thats proof that nothing besides refraining from all sex is 100% safe....
Hi samanthajane, congratulations on your pregnancy.
you should do what you think is right, it is your decision. It is wonderful to hear that your family and partner are so supportive of whatever choice you make. you are only what you make yourself, just because you are young doesn't mean you'll fail at being an excellent mother.
Good luck in your decision, I hope everything goes well for you.
Ultimately this is going to be your decision! I think an 18 or 17 year old can make a fantastic mother.
Their are alternatives to abortion though, how about adoption. It is definately something to consider if you feel as though you can't give the best possible!
Let us know what you decide upon!
I really think you can do it , it will be hard but it's great that you have such a great surport group, that loves you and will help you , and never feel like you can't ask for help and at times you will really need it that's when babysisters (family) are great , i wish you luck into welcoming this wonderful gift into the world.:fingerscrossed: :hugs: from Kylie
Wow - You sound very mature and seem to have a great support network - I don't think age matters - I think there are pro's and cons to being younger and older - I am 27 and pg with my first baby and sometimes wonder if it would've been easier to have a baby younger - Young parents tend to be less stressed, and more relaxed, your body also copes better with the whole ordeal,Young people are eternally optimistic (in my opinion) they have more energy but of course have less financial means, but raising kids isn't about money !!! - in saying that if u have always wanted a career and to travel - are u willing to put that on hold for 20 yrs??? Maybe an open adoption is an option???
Have always believed though that children are always better off with there biological parents or close family - just my opinion.
Worked in Childcare for a long time and have seen hundreds of different families of different ages and cultures, what seems to matter the most above money, socio-economic factors, culture is their ability to cope with whatever life throws at them, educating themselves and actively seeking out help they need with issues, young parents who don't ask for help and isolate themselves are just as bad off as wealthy parents who are older and both working, and do the same thing!!!
Check out the young mum section of this site - perhaps they have a different view???
Society isn't always right about what age is right to have children, Don't listen to them - follow your heart!!! Maybe contact a local support group and get some counselling, do some pro's and cons on a piece of paper, find out what financial support would be available to you, go to a young mothers group in your area and ask advice??!!
Good luck hope this helps a bit??!!
Hi SamanthaJane. First; congratulations on your pregnancy. Secondly; I think you can be a good mum at any age. Like the others have said you have a wonderfully supportive family behind you and a boyfriend that sounds like he is going to stick around. You obviously love kids or you wouldnt be in the childcare profession; I really do think that if you give yourself the chance you will make the best mum in the world! My ex bosses daughter had her son when she was 17; she had a very supportive family like yourself. I have to say that she is a great mum. Her son has had a great upbringing and is a wonderful little boy; very polite, intelligent and outgoing.
I would definately think long and hard ; Im sure you will make the right decision.:hugs:
i was17 wen i fell pregnant, now bubs is 10wks and i think im doin a good job, its the most rewqarding thing in the world....i was also on the pill at the time i fell preg thou i neva thought about abortion so i dont know excactly how u are feelinh! i was worried about havin to be a single parent down the track(althou i wont be) but if u read some of the post by single mums they cope really well with it all! i guess in the end the best decision is the one that is best for u and dont let any try to change ur mind, ur body, ur life....goodluck with it all if u need some1 to talk to u can pm me or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org:hugs:
Congratulations! What a massive decision. You're very lucky to have a supportive family and partner, there's a lot of young mums out there that don't have either! My advice is to really think about all the pros and cons before you decide to either go ahead with the pregnancy or to terminate, because both are irreversible decisions.
And of course, we'll be here on bubhub to support whatever decision you decide to go with! :thumbsup: Good luck!
Hi Samantha Jane! Congratulations on your pregnancy!
Of course you can be a good mum at 18!! :hugs: My friend had her first bub when she was 18 and she's a great mum!!
It is a huge commitment and lifestyle change, but if you have the support of your family - and hopefully your boyfriend - you will make it!!
I say stuff what society says about age and parenting! No matter what you choose you have to be 100% happy with your decision, because its forever.
You're as far along as I am in your pregnancy - feel free to jump on into the october thread with us! :smiliedance: OCTOBER THREAD (http://www.bubhub.com.au/community/forums/showthread.php?t=10307&page=29&highlight=october)
Thank you all so much for your quick replies... i do love children, that's why i chose childcare as my career. I just wish there was a right or wrong answer to this... but unfortunatley, there is not! :( There is no easy way out and i totally understand that. Adoption is not an option for me, it would be just as hard as abortion, i would be way to attached to the baby after the birth. Honestly...I really am leaning towards motherhood.... why do i feel so bad about that choice though?
Where did you get the information that society says no?
If you want this baby and can love it and can provide for it, which you say you can with support, then go for it.
If you want to wait a bit longer before you start on your motherhood journey then don't go for it.
You'll be fine whatever you decide. You have people around you who love you and will still love you whatever you do.
I know how you feel. I was 17 when i fell pregnant with my daughter (ironically named Samantha too). I too was using the pill, PLUS it was the first time i had ever had sex - talk about really paying the price! hehe
I considered abortion straight away too, but ended up having my little girl.....Since, as you said, you have nothing to lose, this should be a decision you want to make. Do you WANT a child? Or do you only want to go through with the pregnancy because you think you can't live with your conscience? I think if you chose to have the baby only because you'd feel guilty if you aborted, that would be risky emotionally on you.
If you chose to have the baby because you believe in your heart that you really want to emotionally and financially support him or her - go for it!
My daughter was born two hours before my 18th birthday and i was terrified at 'what to do with her'. But we grew to love and learn together and now i am approaching my 30th birthday this year with my beautiful girl turning twelve the day before - we have literally 'grown up' together and she is my best friend in the world.
Try not to care what society think. I wish you all the best for whatever you decide :fingerscrossed:
I agree with most of what the women here have said already - age is not a barrier to whether or not you can be a good mother, its an individual's personality, morals, maturity and personal goals. So if you want to be a good mother, then you will be. The desire to be a good mother, and the willingness to follow through with that desire is all that matters.
You seem to have a wonderful support network here, with your parents and with your partner, which should help you ENORMOUSLY in this situation. That said, you should really talk further with your partner - one-on-one with him - about what sort of a role he would like to take on in the event that you follow through with the pregnancy. After all, he's half of the baby, so you should ask him if he thinks he would be ready to commit to such a huge thing in his whole life. His level of committment shouldn't affect your own level of committment though (ie. he can't tell you what to do about your own body) but you DO need to know from the outset what he's going to do about (possibly) becoming a father.
In one way, you are extremely lucky to be already involved in the care of children (through your work). It will give you a little bit of an idea about basic care requirements of children etc. And it will also be good because if you decide to have the baby it should be fairly easy to "pick up from where you left off" in your childcare career! Hope that makes sense?!
In any case, know that you are always welcome in this forum to discuss your fears, your insecurities and your opinions about becoming a mother. Us girls and guys are always here to help out! :hugs:
I fell pregnant at 18 and had my daughter at 19. I'm now 20, and she's 7 months old. I'm a little older than you, but I was only less than a year out of school when I fell pregnant, so IMO that's still pretty young.
I never had to grapple with the idea of abortion because, at the time, I was so ANTI ABORTION I probably would have paraded around with "abortion is murder" banners. Having had my daughter though, I understand why some people opt for abortion. (I'm now pro-choice). That sounds terrible, and I do love my daughter to bits...but motherhood is not for everyone. I was lucky because it worked out for me. I actually enjoy it...most of the time.
There is PLENTY of support out there for young mothers...though it is sometimes a little difficult to find out about. There are housing projects for young parents, government support and lots of community-run activities for young mums and dads. You could even live with your parents and save yourself a fair bit of money for now if you wanted, and they'd let you.
I get about $730 a fortnight from Centrelink for being a single mother. Mind you, I'm not single, I just don't live with my partner at the moment. I also get a little bit in child support, but DP just usually helps out with "stuff" rather than giving me money. It doesn't sound like much money...but it works out. DD even has several pumpkin patch outfits...which are little on the expensive side.
So long as you KNOW that as soon as you're a mother, you must put your baby above all else, I'm sure you will grow to be a great mother. From the get-go, you'll probably feel nervous, but there is often plenty of help at the hospitals and in ante-natal classes to help you out. Where I live, mums under 21 get Child Health Nurse visits at home for the first few weeks after the birth, which is great. You'll build up confindence for sure. And, providing you're studying child care, you'll probably have a bit more experience under your belt to help you out!
The decision is up to you, of course, but I just thought I'd give you a little info.
And, with your government maternity payment ($4000), you'll be able to get plenty of baby-gear. If I were you, I'd just get the basics (like a cot, blankets, clothes...only a few in size 000, nappies etc) and when the money comes through, go stock up on the rest. Best and Less has great bargains on clothes, as well as blankets and so does Big W. You can find plenty of "cheap" things just by looking around if money is an issue.
Good luck, and let us know what you decide. :-)
Oh - and feel free to contact me if you need any more help. I'm Stacey!
***EDIT: I accidently wrote "I'm not pro-choice" when I meant "I'm NOW pro-choice"...oops!
as everyone else has said - age is no barrier :) ESPECIALLY since u seem to have such a great support network!
& as for abortion - maybe you should talk to some people on here that have aborted & see how they felt after it? i'm sure there'll be a thread for it somewhere, if not u could start your own ;) most people i have talked to years & years from their abortion still think about their little baby that COULD have been...
i think you are very lucky to have fallen pregnant so easily! my (ex?) husband & i were trying for 2 years (since i was 23, almost 24) before i FINALLY got pregnant!! & i thought it would be EASY!! :rolleyes:
if sure you will be a brilliant young mum, i had my first at 17,then another at 18 1/2 & another at 20! it was hard work but i wouldnt have changed it for anything in the world, best of luck:hugs:
hi there i have just found this site the other day. my name is melinda and im 23. i have ben a single mother most of my childrens lives. i am wanting to meet with other mothers whether single or not. i live at capalaba you can contact me at email@example.com hope to here from you soon
You can be a fantastic mother. By asking questions and thinking things through, you are already being a good mum!!
As for having a termination, if you are having second thoughts then you already know what to do. It sounds liike you have talked to your parents and boyfriend about both options and if they are willing to support YOU with YOUR decision then you couldn't ask for anything more.
Don't be so quick to assume your bf will do the disappearing act - keep communication open and you might be surprised (and so might he) at his reaction to having a bub.
Good Luck and best of all CONGRATULATIONS
Thanks so much everyone for all your help, i cant wait to be a mummy now!!! I realise that if i have everyone else's support, and know the basics of raising children, i'm not going to do a bad job:smiliedance:
Thats great, you seem to have made your decision! Its one that you'll never forget! Everytime you look at that bubba, you will fall more and more in love:kiss: I agree that you sound very mature and together and you will be just fine:thumbsup:
Good luck and keep chatting on Bubhub!:smiliedance:
Well then I gues we can officially say - Welcome!!
I hope you enjoy being pg and having your bub. I hope all the bubhub girls can be as helpful for you over the next few years as they have been today.
Good luck with the decision you make - just wanted to let you know I was on Trifeme for 8 years and had no accidents. I did fall pregnant during the 1st cycyle after coming of with my 1st pregnancy and the 2nd cycle with my 2nd pregnancy.
i also thought you sound extremely mature, you have a really fair and reasonable outlook on the whole thing. I also worked in child care before i had my little man (i am 21 with a 2.5 yr old) and i feel this helped me with mother hood! Ok so its supposed to come natural or whatever (lol) but i rekon it helped for me :thumbsup:
my cousin was 16 when she got pregnant, she is a fabulous mum (ha, she even only shops at david jones pretty much, don't ask me how cos i work fulltime and i can't! lol)
anyway, im not trying to make this into a comedy!
Its just............you CAN do it, but it's whether you WANT to do it? Do you want to have that confinement? I know thats a horrible word to use, but hopefully you will understand what i mean and the certian boundaries, or rather change of lifestyle you will have.
i am not going to deny, i thought about abortion, and that tends to make me feel sick looking back now, but that is how i felt at the time, and i was scared.
I love my boy so much, for me, in my case, i did the perfect thing by having him. only you know if your scenario is different?
i still work full time, go out once a week, and spend time with my son (it is a bit of a balancing act, but we get there!)
I don't post on here all that much but i hate the thought of someone having an abortion because they think they won't be a good mum because of their age- seriously, i have seen the most roughest mums yelling and calling their children the worst names under the son in carparks and they aren't young! I would never treat my child like that! SO i dont think its age, there will be bad young mums, bad middle aged mums and bad older mums (ooooo and some good mums thrown in there as well, hehe)
so don't let being scared stop you from doing what you ultimately want - either way!
It's your choice, and for me it was that little niggle in the back of my mind going how am i going to get through each day if i make the wrong decision that led me to my decision.
good luck, i am sure everyone will support you no matter what you do.
I don't remember where I heard it - but I remember hearing (or maybe reading) that young mothers are generally VERY RESPONSIBLE mothers because they feel the need to try extra hard due the bad rep they can easily be labelled with.
I'm lucky that I look a bit older than I am (I'm 20), so I don't really get any comments about being a young mother (though I'm certain some people think it).
There's a lot of negativity out there regarding teen/young mothers...being called "dole bludgers" and whatnot...but in reality, a 35-year-old woman could be in a worse-off situation than a young mother could be in. And, also, the support is usually there for younger mothers because their parents aren't usually "used" to having the house kid-free...and still feel the need to protect you, rather than think, "She's an adult now...she can cope on her own". I know my mother is great... and I'm sure she'd be there for me if I were older too, but I have the feeling she is here for me MORE because I AM young and she DOES feel like I'm still her little girl...if that all makes sense.
You can do it...so long as you believe you can. Not all babies cry and whinge and stay awake all night (mine has slept through since week 3!)...though of course, most do. I am lucky to have gotten a lovely little girl who, admittedly, is a big Mummy's girl, but is general happy, healthy and doesn't usually cry. In fact, she only ever cries if she has a reason to (poo, tired or hungry...or hurt herself or scared). Don't let horror-stories frighten you...though, you MAY end up with a very demanding bub.
Babies DO cost lots and DO take loads of time and energy...but if you're up for that, it'll most definately pay off. I love my daughter...and I haven't lost any friends because of her. I lost one friend because he turned into a bit of an idiot...but not because of my daughter (he got a new group of friends at work...who were morons). My other friends just cater to her...which is great. I go out just as often now, if not more (of course, not at night out clubbing or anything).
If you do have the support...you're set! As long as YOU believe you can do it.
It sounds like you've made up your mind anyway...so good luck and keep us all updated on your bub!
I'm so happy for you!
I'm also happy that you decided not to abort as I am someone against abortion. You will be a fantastic mother, I'm sure. Your child will also have a great family. How exciting for you. :smiliedance:
I'm also a mother at 18, if you have MSN Messenger and want to chat my email is firstname.lastname@example.org
Hi SamanthaJane and welcome to Bubhub!
I'm so glad to hear that you have the support of family and your partner, thats great.
I had an abortion when i was about 16. I just didn't feel ready to be a Mum and i knew that i didn't want to be with my partner forever if you know what i mean. Its actually quite a simple procedure. Remember, at this stage in pregnancy the baby is not developed it is probably just some cells. I have absolutely no regrets on having the abortion it was just the best decision that i could make.
However, I am now in a new relationship and I am engaged to a gorgeous man and we are expecting a baby. This baby was not planned, i fell pregnant on the pill but we are very excited about our pregnancy! Also, between when i was 16 and had the abortion and now i have matured a LOT more. I really was quite immature at 16 and i KNOW that i was not ready for a baby. Now i just feel so much more mature and i am ready and cant wait for my little girl to arrive and i am definately in a very steady relationship! DF isn't going anywhere! :yelclap:
But its your decision, its what YOU want. You sound very mature and i think anyone can be a great mum at any age.
Congratulations on your pregnancy and i hope you stick around Bubhub! Oh and careful...Bubhub can be VERY addictive :D
My names Kate and i have two little boys one aged 2 and one aged 3.I was 17 with the first and 18 with the second. It was hard but its hard for anyone of any age. My boys are polite and well behaved and i think i did a good job (so far anyway!!!) Its scary i know but once you have the bubba you'll never look back.Good luck with everything!!:hugs:
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