View Full Version : Problems with our MOTHERS
I started this thread after reading the one on Mother-in-laws.......
Hi All,
I have never had a problem with my MIL only my mother.
But my mother has said some awful things;
* He is just as much our baby as he is yours
* This is something my mother said to me, only a few months ago. "I'm sure your Aunts and Uncles loved you more than your father and I did". (As if this is something you would say to your child) If you have said something like this to your child, you need a kick up the bottom !!
* As my son was a premmie baby and stayed in hospital whilst I went home, but went in 4 times a day to breastfeed. My mother would say, How are you suppose to bond with him whilst he is hospital!! It's the last thing you need to hear when you are separated from your newborn baby.
* He wouldn't need you, if you weren't breatfeeding him
* When he grows up he is going to want to live with his Grandma & Grandad
* AND is constantly mentioning to my son, Do you want to come and stay with Grandma and Grandad. I am just lucky that he still too young to understand
I could just go on and on and on.
But the other day my mum was in the car with me and she said "How are you feeling within yourself? any of this postnatal stuff?" (as if I would say anything any way) I replied no. My mother then replies. That's good, I can't relate to women that have that!!!!!
Sometimes I could just slap her.
As I mentioned, this just went on and on and on. And I couldn't take anymore verbal abuse so I went and spoke to a family psychologist, who gave me pointers on how to deal with my mother and respond without getting frustrated and bitter. My husband was fantastic. After my mother would say something I would ring him and he would say the most beautiful things back to me. AS my husband studied I little bit of psychology at UNI, the psychologist said everything my husband was telling me was correct.
BUT I still get frustrated and soon forget the tips.
The new thing that is happening at the moment is (since I am due in 3 months). They wanted my son to stay with them for a couple of months, whilst my husband and I bonded with our second child. They live over 6 hours away. The little voice in my head was saying OVER MY ###&&%% DEAD BODY!!! I told both my parents that he is NOT going anywhere and he belongs with his new brother or sister and his daddy and mummy. (Could you imagine how this would affect a child!). When my parents last came to visit they were saying good bye, and my mother and father said to my son, Grandma's going to come up and stay for a while when your mum has the baby. I just ignored the comment as I thought I would just snap back(they hadn't mentioned any of this to me mind you). BUT later that week, my husband got a call from my father who suggested that my mother come stay with us to look after our first son. My husband replied "That's a nice offer but I'm taking 3 weeks off work but Chontel and I will have everything under control."
Thank goodness for my husband. He is truly the best.
ANY ONE ELSE OUT THERE, that has bad experiences with there mums let me know. I'm surly not the only one.
I might start a new thread on "MOTHERS".
Thanks for listening.
Chontel :o
Hi Chontel!
You poor thing! :( Your mother sounds awful, lucky she lives 6 hours away!
My mum can be annoying at times but she is pretty good really, I know she will be there for me if I need her help when my baby is born.
I'm interested to know what are the tips the pschycologist gave you, I think you really need to have a chat with your mother and put her in her place (if that's possible) because as your son gets older her comments may have more of an effect on him.
Your husband sounds like angel! :D
Good Luck! chat to you soon!
Hi Chontel!
You poor thing! :( Your mother sounds awful, lucky she lives 6 hours away!
My mum can be annoying at times but she is pretty good really, I know she will be there for me if I need her help when my baby is born.
I'm interested to know what are the tips the pschycologist gave you, I think you really need to have a chat with your mother and put her in her place (if that's possible) because as your son gets older her comments may have more of an effect on him.
Your husband sounds like angel! :D
Good Luck! chat to you soon!
Hi Narelle,
The pschycologist was very interested in my mothers up bringing. Which wasn't good. My Grandmother when she was alive could also be a very nasty person. So we went through family history for a while. I am extremely fortunate that I have my Dads family, my Nan and Auntie's. The pschoycologist basically said my mother doesn't realise that she is doing it (which I still find hard to understand)and these could have been things that were said to her by her mother.
The pschycologist and I also talked about putting her in her place, but the pschycologist didn't word it quite like that. BUT our tactic was if she said something to upset me, I would reply by saying that wasn't a very nice thing to say mum and that the remark is quite hurtful/hurt my feeling etc... I did actually try this, a while back and said you know mum that's not a very nice thing to say, she replied OH WELL. Like she didn't care.
I also was concerned about her obsessiveness, about my son being just as much hers and how he would want to live with her and not me. The pschycologist also said that my mother feels as though she has a second chance with her grandchild, that she is trying where she did not succeed basically with me. BUT the pschycologist did say it is very unhealthy and I should keep telling her that she is the grandmother and I am his mum. AND his home is with his Dad and I.
As my son is only 14 months old, he doesn't understand anything that is going on. But I am dreading the time when he does, because then I may have another trip back to the pschycologist. It's all got to do with how I respond and react, and I must put things into perspective in my own mind. BUT IT IS DAMN HARD.
At the time I was going through this I could have done with the HUB BUB forum but back then I didn't know it existed.
SO now I do like how they live so far away. It does and doesn't have it's advantages. She can still be very hurtful over the phone though.
:)
Lallas' Mum
26-04-2005, 13:04
Chontal,
You must really love your Mum and have broad shoulders to have not told your mother where to go permanently.
It really does seem as if your mother is trying to "steal" your child away from you. She appears to be almost competing with you. Her comments are more put-downs than anything else.
I agree that your mother needs to know where her place is especially before your son begins to realise what your Mother is saying. It may take a bit of strength but maybe you need to get your parents and your husband (who seems wonderfully supportive) together with a councillor. I can only see things getting worse for you otherwise and it would be a shame to have to resort to not seeing your parents.
I'm sorry I can't offer any other advice as I am blessed with wonderfully supportive parents and just as great parents-in-law. I just wish you were too.
Good luck with getting through to your Mum.
Tracey
:) Mum to Alec (Lalla) 18 months and bub due May 3rd
nemosmum
06-05-2005, 11:32
Like you my mum has some issues. When we were kids she suffered nervous breakdowns from stress, but since divorcing my father she seemed to be finally turning her life around and began acting normal again (whatever normal means).
Then when my son was born she was great, so helpful and supportive, we seemed to be really connecting as mums and their daughters should.
But then a couple of months age she started acting moody and tempremental again. She became obsessed with the idea that my dh's family would take my baby from me if we ever split up or if god forbid my dh and I died.
As my dh is Aboriginal my mum was convinced his family would get custody of our son due to his Indigenous heritage, she told me she had searched the internet and that it was true.
At present we see my mum about once every couple of weeks but our relationship is very strained, I think she needs help to deal with a troubled childhood and an aggressive domineering husband. But so far she wont open up to me or my siblings and so theres not much left for me to do but hope things get better again. :(
Hi
This is just a thought to circumvent some of your Mum's concerns (real or imaginary) - but if you and your hubby prepare a will, you can stipulate in there who has custody of your children should both of you pass. Would your mum accept and respect the decision that both of you make regarding the raising of your children? I know that it is a weird thing to prepare a will and to ask someone if they would be happy to raise your children if you weren't able to, but most people would be honoured that you think so highly of them.
Cheers (and hopefully one issue less to deal with *maybe*)
No, you're not the only one. Mine is exactly the same. She even said (3 weeks after delivery) "Well, you're still carrying a lot of weight aren't you"
aaaaaaagh, I nearly lost the plot totally. I also got the postnatal depression questions and the baby will want to come and live with us comments etc etc.
Also she came to stay (uninvited) three weeks after delivery and did nothing to help, sat on the couch while I cooked, cleaned and even vacuumed!!!
Then I told her to put ds in his cot to sleep (to learn a routine) while I went to the shop to get food for dinner, and I came home and she was still holding him!!
Then she said she would babysit the next afternoon so I made plans, then she went shopping all day and DIDN"T TURN UP to babysit. grrrrrrrrrrr.
She continually looks down her nose at my inlaws (who are wonderful) but 'pretends' to like them, fake-laughing innappropriately loudly and talking to them like they are stupid just because they are from another country.
And.... she wakes him up to play with him because she feels like it. aaaaaaaagh.
Yes I could go on and on too. Thank god for a supportive understanding hubby.
I am getting a bit worried about my mother's (and father's a bit) reaction when we finally get pregnant. She is really against it at the moment while I am at uni (we are planning the baby around my long holidays if possible) but my reasoning is that this is the time in our lives when we will have the most time with our children with days off etc.
THis year they decided that as a gesture towards my study that we would not pay rent (husband and I share a rental property with parents) ths year so that I wouldn't have to work. Since then my husband has got a promotion and we are arranging to pay rent again, but the other day when I mentioned kids she gave me this big guilt trip; in summary "we are giving you this money so you can study harder as you are a bit of a disapointment to us, not so that you have time to go off having babies!"
Initially mum has always said that when we have kids she would devote a whole day a week to babysitting for us to help out, then dad said "don't rely on your mother babysitting, I wont let her, she has more important things to do!"
AAAARGH!!!
The thing that gets me is that we never asked for any help whatsoever with money or childcare, this was all their initiative and seemed to be no strings attached.
Forgive the whinge, I am really hormonal and angry at the moment, maybe I am pregnant? :p
Hi BlueGin
I think that even if people say "no strings", it's never really true. They made an offer to you that you've accepted and they may well feel now that they have a right to say how you utilise it (or at least comment if they think you're "wasting it").
You need to decide what works for you and your hubby and go for it. But I don't think that your plan should depend on vague promises made by your parents in regard to helping out or any financial assistance that they are providing to you (esp. if they are providing it for a different purpose than having babies). Having a plan that does not rely on them should reduce tensions between you (because you are not dependent on them) and any assistance that they do provide will be a bonus that you can enjoy.
Best of luck with your decision
This is in relation to the suggestion to prepare a will about who has custody of your children - while it is a great idea for giving your mum some security about her role in your children's life, you do need to be aware that if someone contests your will with respect to the custody of your children, the Family Court will override your will if they think that another arrangement is in the best interests of the children. So, along with making the will, you should also talk to your families about why you are making the arrangements that you are, and encourage them to respect them when you are gone, and not to challenge them - threatening to haunt them may work! One of the things that will support your wishes is if that person has a special role in your children's life - so you can encourage your Mum to take a positive and active part in their lives to ensure her role will continue - this might give her a positive focus for her energy.
Thanks for your input Samantha, I wholeheartedly agree! We will be paying our full share of the rent before I get pregnant, and i have sought out a lovely childcare service on campus that I can utilize when I am just in at uni for a half day. THis will mean not having to leave early to drop a child off somewhere else, they can just come with mum! (I also found out that a couple of my lecturers are more than happy for little ones to come to the short lectures, apparently one even provides toys!)
You are definitely right, if we give them no valid arguments to make against us then they wont be able to bring us down ;)
It is just a shame that 2 loving parents are letting their anxieties for us get in the way of what has always been a great relationship.
Hi BlueGin
Good for you - you need to make decisions that are right for your family and I agree, it is a shame that your parents seem (at the moment) not to be "on board". But you never know until they are really on the spot. They may still surprise you once there's a gurgly grandchild around.
Best Wishes
There is something special about a new little bundle of joy isn't there? And also a lovely big baby bump :p
Thanks for being honest and giving me your advice, it has really helped calm me down :)
Hi everyone,
sorry I have been off air for a while.
When I started this thread I thought I may be the only one with a mother that can be a little strange.
Freaky that we talk about wills. My husband and I stipulated in our will who we wanted our kids to go to if something should happen. both my parents told me that they would fight for custody if they weren't happy with the living arrangement or upbringing??? To be honest the whole reason we added this into our will was so the children didn't go to them, as they are not someone who we would like to look after our kids??? At the time when the comment was made I was to dumb founded to respond, but will let it be until it is brought up again. Maybe???
Unsure... Why do they have to make things difficult!
Hi All,
I'm glad to hear that other people have problems with their mothers. It's almost like a topic that is taboo as it has always been drummed into me that "...but she is your mother". My issues with my mother stem back 12 years ago when she walked out on my father and decided to move in with me (uninvited I might add). I was only 19 at the time and bearly able to support myself. I had just started dating a new guy (who is now my husband). I have never been able to stand up to my mother as she is a very dominant, nasty, bitter lady (that's using nice words). So to tell her that she couldn't stay with me would be like committing the ultimate betrayal.
My mother grew very bitter towards me because I still had a relationship with my father. She couldn't understand why I hadn't walked out on him too. A number of times she told me I had to choose and that I couldn't sit on the fence. I believe she was resentful towards me because I couldn't support her financially and emotionally as well. She would often but the guilt trip on me with "...all that I have done for you". It was like I owed her for being born and growing up.
My mother made a treat of herself at my wedding too. She verbally abused me when I told her that my dad was walking me down the isle. Unfortunatley my wedding became all about her and she resented me for inviting my father. Not once has my father said a bad word about my mother or involved me with what happened between them. To me the situation is between them and it was always something I didn't want to get involved in.
2 weeks before my wedding, my mother told me that my father wasn't my biological father. When questioned about her statement, she wouldn't go any further into and pretty much left the statement hanging. I asked my father what she meant and he said that he had no idea what she was on about. A couple of weeks after the wedding I asked her to explain herself, and what she really meant to say was "that he has never been a father too me". I still to this day don't know why she said these things to me.
She had me in tears an hour away from wedding rehersals. She had said to me that she would go to the reception and decorate the bridal table and meet me back home after the rehersals. That sounded great. About 1/2 hour from leaving she ripped it up and told me that I was ungreatful, nasty, selfish, you name it and I was it! I don't know why she had a brain snap, but I remember bawling my eyes out when I should have been practicing walking down the isle and saying my vows.
I haven't had much to do with my Mother since Nov 2000. I didn't even tell her that I was pregnant with her first grandchild until she rang out of the blue 3 weeks after he was born. I just couldn't deal with the way that she is and the negativity that she brings. She's not happy unless she is trying to run or ruin peoples lives.
A couple of months after my first son was born, i started feeling guilty and thought that he should know his grandmother and hopefully that she would see this as a fresh start for both of us. Her little trip to come and see me and her first grandchild ended up costing me over $1000 (money I didn't have). She had convinently brought up all her bills that she couldn't pay and layed them out on the kitchen table while I was changing my sons nappy. She also told me that I was an IVF baby. That she went in her lunch break to have eggs inserted in her and that dad didn't know about it. All I could do was laugh, fill her car up with petrol and wave goodbye to her knowing that I no longer wanted anything to do with her. I had done some looking around on the internet and from the information I can gather from both the internet and Monash Uni in Melb, the first baby born from IVF was in 1978. I was born in 1975. I still shake my head.
My mother kept ringing wanting to come and visit, but I kept holding her off telling her that it wasn't a good time. There is only so many times I can keep putting up with the way she is. A visit from her always ends up in an argument, lies or costing me money. One day she rang me and told me that I have no rights as a mother and that she has more rights than me as she is the grandmother and that my son is not my child but the family's child. Whatever she means by that.
After that conversation (my son was 4 months old and is now 2.5yrs old) I haven't spoken to her. The last correspondance from her was a letter from her lawyer requesting contact with her grandson (she doesn't know about the second grandchild). I received the letter last year on Xmas eve (nice timing). It has taken her that long to do anything about seeing her grandson. I have seeked legal advice and can prevent her from seeing my children, if it gets that far. I'm just afraid that once the kids can understand that she will brainwash them like she did me for years. My children have happy healthy relationships with my in laws and my husbands sisters and their husbands and kids, and also with my father and my brother (I got it easy compared to what she has done to my brother, but thats another story).
Some days I am strong and feel comfortable with my decision to withdraw myself from a relationship with my mother and other days I can't stop crying. She lives 6 hours away, but everytime I go out I am always looking over my shoulder incase she decideds to move back to where I am. Which is something she is likely to do. However, I have not long moved house and now have a silent number. She only has my mobile number and she hasn't rung that for years.
I have seen a counsellor and she gave me a very helpful book called "toxic parents". It covers all forms of abuse but it's good to read every page. It was relieving to read that even though they are your parents it's ok not to like them, to put it bluntly.
I know that it sounds harsh not to want anything to do with my mother, but I have to protect my family and what I have worked hard for. Having her in my life is toxic.
I have written to her a couple of times over the years telling her how she treated me is hurtful and that I wanted a positive relationship. She never acknowledged that she read my letters until I asked her last time I spoke to her. She told me that she read my letters but didn't know what I was on about and threw them away. I think that says it all.
There....I feel abit better having gotten that off my chest today! Sorry to bore you.
:(
Marty
Rick
Riley 2.5yrs
Toby 9mths
That was full on to read, Marty your mother sounds very much like my own! Same sort of behaviour exept mine also is a cronic drunk and pot adict which really doesn't help whatever sort of mental inbalance I'm conviced she has. I left home at 14 and my sister had left home 6yrs proir at the age of 13 both due to being fed up with years of physical and emotional abuse. The police helped us both and when I called them to come and get me they even asked what took me so long :rolleyes: . I've tryed over the years to try and patch things up and every time she has an "episode" and I wonder why I'd bothered. I haven't made contact in 6yrs and the last time I saw her was at her mothers funeral where she created a seen and made it really hard on all who came to pay respects to my grandma, my grandpa died 1 month later and she called just before the service was to comence and she wasn't coming cause everyone had been so nasty to her at the last one! I feel sory for both your mother and mine because their inabilitty to interact with their family without causeing harm has caused them to lose their family, it's very sad they can't or won't see that :( . I don't, however bad I feel for them, see a problem in cuting them off. People who are constantly negitive and harmful will only make our lives more complecated and stessful and as parents we have enough of that! (I still feel guilty for not telling her I'm expecting another child though :confused: )
Dear Drags21,
I am really sorry she did all those horrible things to you on your wedding day.
I'm also glad you got everything off your chest, It does feel better.
But one thing you said is very true, we don't have to like our mothers and thats how I feel. I love her because she is my mum, but i don't like her as a person.
Chontel
mumof2girls
17-05-2005, 22:27
Wow you guys have really had it tough with your mother's. I am so thankful that I have a supportive mother who will give her opinion when asked. I was wondering though did your mother's have a hard upbringing that may of contributed to their behaviour? Not saying that it is any kind of excuse!!
You both seem happier that they aren't in your life and I can understand that and agree with your decision, even though it must be a very tough one to make. You have to protect your family from people like that, even if it is your mother! It is a great loss to her that she is going to miss seeing your beautiful children grow up, but a blessing for you.
Good luck and know that you have tried your best to make a relationship with her work and it just didn't work but you have turned into a loving, caring mother who loves her children and isn't making the same mistakes as your mother did. :)
Lucybelle
18-05-2005, 04:54
I agree with the both of you withdrawing from your mothers, I only wish I could help you with the guilt you have over the decision.
Hi everyone,
I was saddened reading your posts because although my mum is not like that my Father is. But he has Bipolar (manic depression) I wonder whether a lot of you would find your parents suffer with similiar afflictions (mental health issues). It does not make living with them or having them in your lives any easier but sometimes it can help to deal with them. It might be worth mentioning some of the behaviours to you GP to see what they think, they may have strategies to help.
Bec
Hi Bec,
I truley believe now that my mother must have some sort of mental illness. Unfortunately, I don't think that I can put myself in a situation to help her. I don't actually think that I am strong enough to do it. She told me just after she walked out on my father(so the story goes) that she went to see a counsellor to help her deal with her separation, but she told me that the counsellor told my her that I was ungreatful towards my mother, the whole thing was my fault, blah blah. Unless I went to counselling with her so they could recognise truth from the lies, I don't know how she will ever get help.
If it gets to the situation where she takes this contact business with her lawyer any further, I have been advised by my lawyer that she would have to undergo extensive therapy before she can come near my children. Sounds harsh and it kills me inside, but to me brainwashing is a form of abuse and can harm precious little minds.
Marty :(
Hi,
I understand how you must be feeling. It's unfortunate that the counsellor wasn't more productive for your mother.
I agree with you that you do need to keep your children away from her until she seems like she is taking responsibility for her own problems. I am myself in two minds about whether I should let my daughter see her grandmother.
My mother and I have never got along. I don't believe she's very mentally healthy as I am always the cause for her problems, if not me then my brothers... What I find that the drama that is caused by her manipulating and twisting things to start arguments isn't worth it and it's best not to stay in contact.
It is a shame things have to work out this way...We have recently moved from the UK (husband) back home to australia and left brilliant grandparents... I would love to have my mother involved in some childcare and support but I can't...
I wish you the best and even though it hurts that our mothers aren't suitable grandparents, i think we're both doing the right thing by our children...
yours Moggs :rolleyes:
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