Single Again

[WildChild]

Hi,

Im new to BubHub but have lurked for awhile now.

I have a 2.4 year old daughter, she is currently living with myself and my X partner in the same house.

I have a situation which I need some advice on , hopefully from others that are in my situation.

Here goes...sorry in advance as this is going to be long!!

About a month ago I decided that our relationship wasnt working, well I had been unhappy for a very very long time and realised that my feelings that i have for my partner were not as strong as they should be, to be able to sustain a happy relationship - I had started to get resentful and stressed.

He is a terrific father ( he has been a SAHD for almost 2 years) as I went back to work fulltime when our DD was 6 months old and it was both our decision for him to be a SAHD as I earned alot more then he did.

He is originally from the country and does not have any family or really any friends down here in Sydney, so for almost 2 years he has relied on me totally for everything , which I think started to corrode our relationship, we were always in each others pockets (which I hated) and he treated me as his best friend.

He doesnt have his license either so I was always having to go do the grocery shopping after a long day at work eventhough we live about 15 min walk from a woolworths and I work an hour away in the city.

Anyway - I think as I was the sole provider, and worrying about bills and not being able to have much time on my own and having to drive everywhere as well as coming home to a constantly messy house ( I used to cry about it ) - it really impacted on the relationship and contributed to it crumbling.

I will say though that he has really looked after our DD extremely well , but sadly when it came to housework - he really sucked at it.

Majority of the time he would ensure the kitchen was clean and tidy and would wash a few loads of clothes every few days but we often had arguments about the state of the rest of the house.

She has been in CC 3 days a week now since October last year and even with having those days free - the status of the house and yard never changed.

It was at a point where I didnt want to invite friends over as I was embarrassed that the house was so messy.

Anyway, since he is unemployed and we have seperated - he was tried to get some benefits from Centerlink so that he could move out and rent a place on his own.

Unfortunately it has ended up a catch 22 situation as real estate agents wont rent you a place unless you have a job or can show them that you are recieving benefits BUT centerlink wont give him any benefits until he moves out :mad:

Therefore I have come to the decision that I will move out to my mothers granny flat and he and our DD will stay in the house until I can put the house up for sale.

What I am asking is (I will ask centerlink myself later but just wanted to ask here first) if I have to pay the mortgage each fortnight along with $350 a fortnight in child support plus other expenses, would centerlink decrease the amount I will have to pay him for child support if I am paying the mortgage as well and probably some of the bills for him??

I decided to let him have our DD during the weeknights and I shall have her on weekends as he is not coping with the breakup ( has been onto lifeline constantly) and he has stated that he really needs her during the week as he has no one down here but her and that as soon as he gets on his feet and gets a full time job that we can then share her care 50/50.

Its going to be so heartwrenching for me not to be able to see her of a night and everytime I think about it I start to cry but I am trying to be strong about it and trying to drill it into my head that it will only be hopefully for a few months , just until he finds a job. I am so worried that because I will only be seeing her of a weekend for a while that she wont want her mummy.

Do you think I am bending over backwards enough or being fair or even paying enough ????? I do feel guilty as I was the one that called a stop to our relationship but I just cant make my heart feel more when it doesnt so I guess thats why I am trying to do everything to ensure my daughter wont suffer through this.

I have worked out how much money I have will probably have left over after paying the mortgage and child support, credit card debts,insurance, car cost,groceries, money to fix house up for sale and my living expenses and I will be -$187 a week in debt.

Sorry again for this long post ( its probably hard to follow in parts) but I cant talk to my family about this as they arent very supportive of anyones feelings about all this and Im so stressed out about how I am going to pay all of this.

Dont get me wrong I dont begrudge having to pay child support but when I am also paying the mortgage on the house my x will still be living in - I just dont know how I am going to even afford to eat.

Thanks for your time. :crying:

[Melissa1983]

What I am asking is (I will ask centerlink myself later but just wanted to ask here first) if I have to pay the mortgage each fortnight along with $350 a fortnight in child support plus other expenses, would centerlink decrease the amount I will have to pay him for child support if I am paying the mortgage as well and probably some of the bills for him??


Did you want to pay 350 a fortnight? or is that what you have been told? I am a single mum and my ex DH has only got to pay $108 a month and that is on 30,000 per annum. You can ring Child support and maybe get a rough estimate on how much you have to pay, because if your ex partner is going to be claiming the pension, this will affect his payments as well.
Centrelink won't decrease the amount that you have to pay, they don't worry about the bills..

[WildChild]

Thanks for replying so quickly.


I have looked at the centerlink site as well as him asking them the amount I have to pay , apparerentlt its 18% of my salary that I have to pay in child support which is roughly around $350 give or take $50.

I just assumed that since centerlink sets the amount or the percentage that you have to pay that its final.

Might give them a call this afternoon because I seriously cant afford that much as well as paying the mortgage etc.

[claireandbailey]

ur best bet is to talk to centrelink and even to child support. It sounds like ur in a really hard situation but at least ur being a grown up about it. maybe when ur ex gets his benefits from centrelink he can give u some money towards the mortgage then that will take some of the pressure of you.
i hope everything works out for,

[pegasus]

Yes the percentage is 18%, however, there is buffer for you (think it might be about $10k if you don't have any kids residing with you). The time it goes down is when the child spends 110 nights or more with you.

I hope things work out for you.

[03MMT]

Hi,

I am going through what you are going through right now - for the second time. First peice of advice - centerlink can't tell you what you need to pay for maintence - that's the child support agency - it is 18% but you can have a personal agreement. That 18% is all you need to pay. Once you start paying for other things his pension will decrease. The next piece of advice - be very aware that leaving your child with your ex for majority of care may forfiet your rights as a sole parent later on. Sometimes the courts will think it is better leaving the child where they are if they are being well looked after. My third piece of advice is ring a solicitor for some advice. You don't have to go and pay thousands but just know where you stand.
If you think what you are doing at the moment is fair and you are happy then please sign a financial agreement with you ex stating everything - the house, furniture, children, maintence and lodge it with the family courts. That way it will all be legal. My biggest mistake the last time i split with dh was i felt sorry for him...... He was (and still is) a high income earner and we owned heaps of assets but i left with 50% of the house only and no cash. Just as we were sorting everything out with solicitors we got back together. This time i have alot more knowledge. He can't live without the kids so we are building a granny flat onto the new house for him to live, i have signed a financial aggreement and lodged forms with child support and centerlink. I need to be strong even though it was my choice again to end this marriage. Good luck and please get some advice before you do anything.:fingerscrossed:

[WildChild]

Thanks for the replies again.

Ill be thinking long and hard about our agreement on second thoughts because in my heart its going to be just gut wrenching to be away from my daughter each week - I cant be a weekend mummy - it would tear me apart inside.

I initially agreed to let him have her for the weeknights simply because he was telling me constantly that he was having suicidal thoughts and that if he had to move out on his own he wouldnt cope, so I didnt want that ( she needs her father as well) and if him having her weeknights will stop him having suicidal thoughts until he gets a job then that was what I was initially prepared to do.

I think the guilt from me being the one to end the relationship is making me bend over on everything because basically I will be leaving my house ( I had bought this house about 6 years before I met him) with pretty much just my clothes, a single bed, a tv and my computer - everything else will be staying with him in the house and along with paying the child support, I was going to pay the mortage for him to live here and child care payments.

He went on and on about how hard its going to be on him financially and I really had to stop myself from screaming at him because he will in fact be getting more money then me after paying all the bills etc....so him whineing how he will only have $500 etc a fortnight or whatever in benefits and child support to live on well made me angry because Ill be lucky if I will be able to eat, meanwhile he isnt paying rent or a mortgage.

Not sharing her care on a 50/50 basis really isnt sitting well with me, I know I have hurt him by ending our relationship but I am really bending over backwards here , more then most ppl would I suspect simply because I have guilt and I dont know how to stop myself from doing that.

Tonight I explained to him that after I move out to my mothers place that I will need to come back here frequently to be able to do some repairs and fix ups on the house to get it ready for selling and all he was worried about was how often these frequent visits would be and how hard it will be on him to see me on a regular basis after I leave.

He even suggested that he would help me fix the house up for one day each weekend instead and that our DD could be babysat by my mother the other day- I turned around and said - Great , so not only do I only get to have my daughter on the weekends but now you are suggesting that I only have her for one day a weekend?!!!! :banghead:

I really dont want this to get ugly but I think in some small way this is his way of punishing me for hurting him as he knows I am adopted so it makes it even more upsetting because my DD is the only blood relation I have.

I am really trying to be considerate about his feelings when it comes to caring for our DD but I just feel that my feelings are not being heard because Im the big bad witch who ended the relationship.

I may have been the &^%$ who ripped his heart out but he should count himself lucky that Im not the &^%$ from hell that would just chuck him out with nothing.

Definately going to have to see a solicitor I think - I was hoping not to but its just too all one sided and doesnt seem fair. :crying:

I know that I actually only have to pay 18% all up to him but my names on the deeds of the house, its my house and if I dont pay the mortgage I will lose the house and my dd would lose a roof over her head so I dont think I have much choice in paying the mortage as well.

[03MMT]

Dear Wildchild,


That 18% would include the mortage and that should be his only prioty - his living money and expenses need to be worked out after that payment. You could agree with CSA to pay the mortage - directly so you know you won't loose the house. Any remainding money can go to him (if there is anything left??) He basically has to get himself a job - no questions about it. He could get a job at night.... he looks after DD during the day and you have her at night. If he is that desparate to have her or see her often he SHOULD do whatever he can to do that - just as you are..... Thinking about you.... keep us posted

[Scout]

WildChild

It sounds as though you are bending over backwards to do everything right and this guy is still using emotional blackmail. I'm not sure if I would be that generous.

I can't believe that you would also be willing to go into $187 each week for this!!!

I'm not a big one for solicitor's but I would "Lawyer Up" Doll - even if it is only for advice because there is an awful lot at stake here.

Good luck.