Step Daughter

[shanias_mum]

My DF has a DD (nearly 4) from a previous relationship and we have only for the past 3 or 4 months starting seeing her again (we hadnt seen her for 2 yrs cus her mother is a B***H)

Any way my df came home from his mothers sunday and said that angela wanted to talk to us both (ex). He said that his mother had told him that angela was going to ask us if we would have yasmin for 7 or 17 months (he cant remember) cus she wanted to go off to the police academy to finish her course.

One thing i cant understand is how can a mother leave their child for 7 months or more???? :eek: Danilel (my dd) dosent mind having her for that long he would love it, but im a bit sceptical cus i know that i will be having to do all the work even though now he says he will help out, but that will only last a few months. She will be in prep school next year, my dd will be 4 so she will still be in kindy, plus i work full time!!!! It would be nice to have her there but from only having one child to get ready in the morning plus suddenly to have 2, and not have the transition is going to be a headache!!! :banghead: Because they are so close in age, they fight alot, but i guess that will ease over time and all siblings do that.

We will prob see angela tommorow nite so i guess we just have to see what she has to say. Daniel said that she will see yasmin on weekends, and i said she can HAVE yasmin on the weekends to give us a break. Also i told him that as soon as we know what is going to happen that he needs to ring centrelink and let them of whats happening so that SHE can pay US child support. YEAH :smiliedance:

Daniel is hoping that yasmin will want to stay with us all the time, but i dont know, i want to have another baby after we get married, but to instantly have 2 kids under 5 in the house scares me. :(

Any way sorry this thread is sooooo long, any advice or support is welcome.

[pegasus]

Wow - that's a biggie.

I know in our situation that my husband's ex threatened to leave the kids on our doorstep a few times (which we would've had no issue with except the fact that we foresaw her changing her mind a few times and therefore it being more disruptive for the kids). There have been a few times that we have had the kids for extended periods of time - usually when their mum has said she's not coping etc. We know she wouldn't actually leave them with us for more than 110nights a year though as her only income is based upon the maintenance and her parenting payment (single although she lives with her boyfriend). She's never worked in the 14years my husband has known her.

My husband's ex has talked about doing courses before - is she serious about finishing police academy training? It would most likely mean some country posting within her first few years and shift work which will be tricky for her son.

It was a big decision for my husband and I to decide when we could have our kids due to the dynamics of our situation changing so much so often.

I definitely feel for you - as although your step son is your husband's I understand about taking on more of the care. Before I had my son, I worked full time, so if we were expected to have my stepchildren more, my husband had to take time off work (occasionally I would take a week or two off, but seriously I only had 4 weeks annual leave a year). Now that I'm part time, no one seems to care that they're not my kids and when the request goes out, it's as though my husband and I are one person - the same expectation - can I pick them up, drop them off, work on their homework etc. I know I'm the person who does their washing, cooking, games and homework with them (whether DH is around or not) and the whole gamete (including discipline) when he's not.

Good luck with this - I'm happy to speak to you more via pm if you want.:fingerscrossed:

[shanias_mum]

Pegasus - thanks for your advise. Yeah i think she is serious bout finishing her police course cus i think she started before her daughter was born, and i think she still goes to tafe some nights (i dont know what doing though). I didnt know that she would prob get posted in the country somewhere and i never even thought bout the shift work!!! :eek:

It all just seems sooo much hard work, i mean i love being a mother and would like to have another child - just not one already grown up. Dont get me wrong i love his dd but you know where i coming from, right? :confused:

I know i will take on most if not all the responsibilities after the novelty wears off with my df, cus when we have her on the weekends, if he is home he will help discipline but i end up feeding, bathing, entertaining and everything else a mother does for my dd and his, and when he is not home i have both girls and have to EVERYTHING without his help.

I work full time now, but most days i dont start till 11 so i have a few extra hour in the morning to get ready although my dd has kindy mon and tues so she is there by 8.30am, wed i start at 9am and thursday and fri are a little bit easier cus i start at 11. But with his dd going to prep school, that means dropping my dd off at kindy then his dd off at school, coming home and getting myself ready to go to work, (wed will be fun) then my MIL will have to pick up his dd from school (i work till 5 and df finish whenever) then i will have to pick her up from MIL then pick up my dd from kindy then go home! Confused?? :confused: I am! LOL

I will have to get up at 5 just to get every one ready - and i dont like that idea!! LOL :banghead: Im not a morning person. Its hard enough sometimes to get one child ready in the morning instead of 2! Sorry i have been babbling but it is just soooo much to take in, sooo much more responsibilty and sooooo much more work.

[onabreak]

I know how you feel. My husband has a 4 year old son to his ex and she is a very nasty spiteful person.

My hubby only has him one day a week and one weekend a month. He wants to have more contact with him and try for full custody or probably only end up with 50/50 custody when we take her back to court. She has broken her court orders 167 times and we have them ready to get at her if she will not allow us more contact.

But the problem is just like you if we get him full time or 50/50 I am going to be the one to look after him everyday, take him to preschool, feed him, bath him, play with him etc etc. I love my step son but I am not ready for that committment and take over as his mother. Step son will not acknowledge me as a step mum, though he probably is a bit young to understand, so I see that he will not co-operate with me at all.

He does need to live with us though. His mother brain washes him against us and is growing up to be more like a little girl and cries at the drop of a hat. He needs discipline in his life and not be treated like a spoilt little brat when he is with his dragon of a mother. She is ruining his life with the way she carrys on, so one benefit if he did live with us he would have a good family life.

It is such a hard to decision to go through. I also want another child of my own and not an instant 4 year old who doesn't really like me

[Starlet]

Hun if I can cope with having 4 kids under 3 1/2 in my house, I'm sure you will be fine. My two kids are with us fulltime and my DP has his daughter, as well as his ex's daughter 3 days a week here.

It is hard work, but you adjust to it after a while.

I think it's great that your DH wants to have his daughter with him, especially when he hasn't had contact with her for so long. They need to develope their relationship with each other too.

I know exactly where you are coming from because I had to go through it. We have his ex's daughter even though she isn't DP's boilogical daughter, but he is the only father she has known.

And we still plan on TTC at the end of this year :)

[shanias_mum]

Thanks for your advice mandy moo and Starlet. Yeah i know it will be hard but i WILL adjust to it. I just have enough on my plate at the moment without adding any thing extra to it, i worried it will fall down. I am planning my wedding, my mother and dad are always on my back, battling financially, my dd is a little ratbag and is testing me, and my DF is always naging bout the housework not being done. So much stress and not enough of me.!!! So i guess i am just scared.

Starlet i dont know how you do it, with 4 kids under 4 in your house, you must be a stay at home mum other wise you must be superwoman!!! LOL

At first his DD didnt really like me that much either, cus i disipline her and her mother doesnt, but she now has learnt to respect me and ask her mother to see me. Her mother is a spiteful b**ch as well, a backstabber and a trouble maker, i swear she till wants my DF back, but over my DEAD BODY! :laughing: Her mother does not feed her well either, when we first started seeing her she would never eat vegies, in fact i dont think she had ever had them!!! :eek: I have had to force her to try potatoe, pumpkin ect, cus she instantly said that she did not like them. But once she had them she will eat them, with a funny look on her face! :rolleyes: AND her mother has now only just stopped giving her a bottle!!! We told her the first tim we had her that she doesnt need it but she kept giving it too her that said to me one day, like she had accomplished something great, that she had given up the bottle. (but she never had it with us!!! ) like stupid!!! Sorry Venting there.

So in the long run, yasmin would benifit heaps from living with us, she would be fed well, and have respect for adults (which at them moment does not have much). It will be hard, but i think i will have to have a big sit down and think with df. Will prpb see his ex 2nite so i will let you all know how we go. :o

[Blessed Mum]

Hi Shanias mum, I just wanted to let you know I know how you feel too & I feel for you. I am a stepmum to DH's two children. DSS lived with us for about 9 years & only ever has DSD occassionally as she was raised by DH'S cousin( yeah real classy chic - this one) but we finally all get along for the kids sakes & its actually not too bad although I don't think I ever really let my guard down. We had to involve DOCS many years ago & so the court thing was easy as they took her to court & we were made legal guardians of DSS. I should probably mention though the kids are nearly 15 & 17years now - so that's easier.

:fingerscrossed: for you & remember we're always around if you need to talk.