I feel like the world's worst Mum

[*Chels*]

Hi!
I FEEL LIKE A CRAP MUM!!My bub is almost 5 months old now.I have never had a routine,I just live rund his feeds/wants/needs!
I have always feed him to sleep which has worked fine,but now I;m starting to think this is a stupid idea.When we first moved to Oz he was going down at 7pm and sleeping til 2.30/3am.now its all so sporadic!!!he keeps changing his sleeping patterns.He's also started teething so my normally placid angel is a screaming monster!!!I have been co-sleeping practically since he was born,because I found trying to feed him sitting up at night was too dangerous and i would fall asleep with him in my arms.I would wake up hours later,have a sore neck from sitting up sleeping and he would have rolled off my lap!!I like co-sleeping coz i can lie there feeding him then both of us can drift off to sleep.mainly i do this coz im lazy and was sick of getting no sleep!!!but now my angel cannot go to sleep alone.he either falls asleep on the boob or will have to sleep with me.the last few weeks he just will NOT go down in his cot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!He will be sound asleep in my arms and as soon as i put him in the cot he screams!!once back in my arms he will go back to sleep,put him back in cot,its the same!!!screaming!!!i have tried to do controlled crying but I cannot bear the sound of him crying and i feel so crap leaving him upset.Also he doesnt just whimper,he screams,moves around sideways,sometimes even 360o in his cot and cries so much he chokes!!also he gets red spots all over his face from crying!!
I just dont know what to do and how to get him to learn that he cant sleep with us forever and he needs to learn that his cot is his bed!!
:banghead: I'm so frustrated!!!!!
Sometimes I just feel like giving up!I know that I cant though!i ALWAYS GIVE IN AND LET HIM SLEEP WITH ME!but i really dont want him sleeping with me when hes like 5 LOL!!!!!!!
ANY advice would be great:thumbsup:

[tyler's mum]

do you put him in his cot when he has a nap??? i know it must be hard hearing him scream but don't give up,,, i'm not saying leave him in there,,, but sooner rather then latter he will get the idea that his cot is his bed,,,

do you have a underlay in his cot,,, maybe his cot is not comfort??

good luck:fingerscrossed:

[rynosmum]

You're not a bad Mummy. Our babes are all different and so are their needs. If your bub finds comfort in sleeping with you, then continue doing it.

They are small for such a short time - my DS is 21 months and if I try and have him sleep next to me, he looks at me like I'm loopy ! Enjoy the cuddles whilst you can !:D

[Refresh]

:thumbsup: I agree with RM, its all good!

All babies are different....I did all the things that you mentioned with both mine (and will again) and guess what? They both sleep all night in their own beds:yelclap: You will be fine if you go with the flow. If anything becomes too much of a problem, then you will do something about it, until then, RELAX and ENJOY!

[reAllytee]

He is still only young so i wouldnt worry about still having him in bed when he is older.
I co-slept with my parents from around the 4mth mark till 6yrs & i have no "major" problems LOL :rolleyes: ;) :p
Honestly though if you are both happy with co-sleeping stick with it & dont worry about routine ! I still have days where mine goes to the dogs & bubs is 1yr in a few hours :eek: .
The main thing is that everyone is happy so find a solution that works for everyone & things will be easier.
Sometimes routines just dont work.

[Refresh]

i have no "major" problems LOL

HEHE, you suuuuuuuuure about that?:eek: :p :p


Sorry, couldnt resist that one...it's late:rolleyes:

[Mamaduke]

You poor thing...if it's one consolation though, you do have a routine...it's just that it's run by bubs!
I think you have to decide what you're going to do and stick with it...whether that be controlled crying or letting him sleep with you.
If you think he's teething I wouldn't be trying to introduce a new routine now.
I've heard of some people having the cot next to the bed and lowering one side so baby is still in the room with you but does have their own bed IYKWIM?
Personally, I'm not pro controlled crying or pro co-sleeping...I do however believe in 'whatever gets you through the night'...;)
If you're happy with bubs in bed with you (and your partner is) then let him sleep in your room...if everyone gets a good night's sleep then what's the harm in that...and considering that you've said you can't stand to her him scream, this might be the way to go...you don't need to put yourself through guilt trips..you'll get enough of that when he's a teenager LOL!
I would, however, try and get him to go to bed (whichever that bed may be!) awake...I did it the other way with my first son and I would be devastated when he suddenly woke as I was putting him down...getting him to bed after a feed was executed with military precision so as not to wake him...DH would creep in front of me opening doors, turning lights on (but not too bright), pulling back the covers ssssh quietly...don't want to wake him (looking back we were quite ridiculous to watch I'm sure!)
With Lucas I would deliberately wake him before I took him to bed so he'd learn to get to sleep without having to rely on feeding to do it...it helps for when they wake up in the middle of the night and they don't actually need a feed, but are used to it and don't know how to fall asleep without one.
Good luck and don't stress...you're not a bad mummy...make a choice and stick to it...and don't listen to anyone telling you that you're not doing it right...'cause they will whichever way you choose to go...in the end, do what you think's right for you and your baby...if you do that, you'll never be a bad mummy!!!

[JenNT]

I wouldn't worry too much if it isn't affecting your relationship with your partner.

I only put Lucas (6 months) to sleep in his cot at night. His day sleeps are downstairs in the loungeroom either in his portacot or on his doona which i lay on the floor every morning.He knows when we go upstairs at night that it is BIG sleep time and this seems to work well:thumbsup:

Don't stress I'm sure you're a great Mum:D j.

[Goosie22]

Hi!
I FEEL LIKE A CRAP MUM!!My bub is almost 5 months old now.I have never had a routine,I just live rund his feeds/wants/needs!



That dosnt sound like a crap mum to me, sounds normal.:thumbsup:

Routines aren't all they are cracked up to be, IMO they take too much energy and when your tired already who could be bothered REALLY:rolleyes: .

Personally I didnt ever get into any type of routine, I catered my days and nights around my babies, 5 months is stll so little your doing the right thing catering to your babies needs and your own. Dont fall into the trap of trying to fit into stereo types of the perfectly organised MUM (now that is CrAp.)

[reAllytee]

HEHE, you suuuuuuuuure about that?

Sorry, couldnt resist that one...it's late


Shhhhhhhh dont let my secret out :shame: :p :D

[*Chels*]

Thanks guys!!
I just feel like this little man totally wears the pants in this relationship!!!lol
I know he's only small and teething makes him grumpy.I think he just wants to be close to me so i spose i should cherish that before he gets to the age where its uncool to be seen with me:laughing:
i am just worried bout this not going to sleep alone,feeding to sleep.also he doesnt sleep alot during day-lucky to get 1 hour!usually sleeps in half hour bursts about 3 times a day.if he falls asleep,i put him in cot and he screams again!guess i will just truck on and hope he gets better at sleeping!!
thanks for all the advice girls!!!

[HoopDeeDoo]

Maybe try putting him in his cot before he falls asleep? He might be a bit big to, but have you tried wrapping him? It makes them feel like you are holding them. When Noah started pulling himself out of the wrap, I just wraped everything except his arms and that seemed to help a lot. I used to put him in his portacot through the day in the lounge room, and he would sleep for at least an hour with all the normal noise from the TV and whatever was going on. So he didn't feel alone, and he's not sensitive to noise at all til this day.

I found it was worse if he woke up in his cot after putting him down asleep, he would wake up crying cause he was scared and didn't know where he was.
If you don't have a wrap big enough you can use one of his sheets.

But if he's teething then he might just be in too much pain to sleep. :crying:

Also I find the more sleep Noah gets through the day the better he sleeps at night. So if you can get your bub to sleep through the day, he might sleep better at night

[Rhys'Mum]

[QUOTE=Chels21]
I just feel like this little man totally wears the pants in this relationship!!!lolQUOTE]

hear, hear!!!

If it makes you feel any better I've always felt like a crap mum because I couldn't get my little man to sleep without crying and because I felt I had to put him on a horrendously restricitve routine to get him sleeping (he was outragously sleep deprived and desperately unhappy).:hugs: It did work but in these anti-routine and anti-crying times I have felt like a truly horrible monster. Add in "the baby should learn to fit in with your life" or "you just go with what your baby tells you" or "just follow your instincts" and I felt totally incompetent and just plain bad, bad, bad because nothing worked that way for us.

Now we do follow a routine but don't in any way think I'm the boss. No way. While its now a bit more flexible if its time for his nap I MUST be home so HE can go to bed in HIS cot or there will be hell to pay... If it time for lunch don't think you can distract me for a minute while you pull something out of the freezer, after all you know what time lunchtime is... Oh and the new favourite "I believe I will sit here and cry until we go to the gym now mum"... lol

[elissas]

Sounds like you're doing it exactly how I believe it should be done. It's what I've been doing (let DS set the pace) and we're all very happy.

There'll be plenty of time in his life for rules and clocks - for the moment I'd continue to let his natural clock tell you what he needs, he sets his own routine.

I've got one friend who insists that her 1yo needs strict routines - makes her sleep times the exact same time to the minute (even if she's not tired), makes her eat at the exact same time (even if she's not hungry), and makes her eat everything (she's not allowed to leave any formula or food, even if she's full up to her nose). Her reasons are that she doesn't like to be "inconvenienced" by her DD. To be honest it disgusts me. But that's just my opinion. :thumbsdown:

We co sleep for the same reason. We all sleep better and IMO that's better for our health than just about anything else.

Re the cot issue, I would try making sure he's a little bit awake whenever you put him down. Babies remember where they have fallen asleep, so if they wake up somewhere different it can be distressing to them, particularly if they are hungry or uncomfortable (such as when he's teething). As far as they're concerned, one minute they were with mummy and the next they're alone. I try to make sure DS is aware of where he's going to sleep, so even if it's a matter of waking him a little before putting him in the bassinet, or pram. Or if he's fallen asleep on me and has been overtired, I put my sling on (the beauty of the fabric ring-style sling is that you can put it on without disturbing them) and let him sleep there while I do things around the house. I can put him down anywhere and he'll sleep, whether it be bassinet, pram, cot, our bed, sling, floor or someone else's house.

Good luck!! And keep up the good work. Sounds like you're doing a fantastic job and I wish a few other people I know personally would take that lead :yelclap:

[IAdoreYou]

Brooke has all her day naps in her cot. She wakes up in her cot and stands up and before she will call out to me she will look around her room and stamp her feet talking away to her toys on the floor.

So she knows her room! SHE sleeps with US still at night! Smack bang in the middle in a King Size bed. She sleeps 12 hours sometimes .. she is safe, secure and loves it.

my suggestion is this ..

soon as bub wakes in the morning give him 2 hours and watch for tired signs .. THIS worked for me at that age with Brooke . she would then go down for a nap and sleep for 40 mins .. then once she woke . do the 2 hour time watch again .. keep in mind 2 hours from waking .. once that 2 hours is up watch for TIRED signs again .. rock him to sleep if you have tooooo and then put him in the cot once alseep .. YOU have to get him used to his room and bed 1st and worry about doing the whole getting him to sleep on his own later ..

TRUST me it works .. Brooke would definately sleep in her cot a night we just want her near us still - selfish I know, but LOVE it.

good luck.

[IAdoreYou]

Having said all the above ..

Brooke is now 7 mths and needs a 40 - 1 hour nap every 3 hrs .. if i forget, she TELLS me pretty quickly its nap time mum .. she will either crawl up on my leg and sit there or just get plain old cranky and the eyes are all red .. all i do is plonk her over my shoulder and kiss her and she goes to sleep or I place her on her pillow with the dummy and its lights out or i just rock her .. or even better sometimes its bottle time right on nap time !!!

good luck okay.

OH .. ALSO , the comfort side of it .. I used to put a sleeping bag in brookes cot as it looked SO uncomfy in there , it was a really nice soft big one .. SHE loved it. she dosent' need it anymore though it was SO soft .. make a nice soft bed in the cot okay and keep some light noise around . maye a baby cd playing ..


lisa XO

[Jasper]

I am hearing you about the frustration thing ! My 7mth DD used to do the same thing. We did comfort crying and it worked for 6 weeks and than she started waking again ( yes.....she also does the "scream -like- she's -dying-scream). I felt really uncomfortable doing the controlled crying and found that I was more frustrated doing that than just rocking her to sleep. Now when I need to put her to sleep at night we do - solids, bath,bottle/BF, play and than rock or pat her off to sleep....some nights it works some nights it doesn't. I just keep reminding myself that she won't be this small forever so I try to relish those nights when I can rock and comfort her in my arms and savour the cuddles.

If you are feeling REALLY frustrated its always good to have someone who can take over ( even for a couple of minutes) so you can take some deep breaths and regain some sanity...or if there's no one there .......leave the room for a couple of minutes so you can calm down ( I find my DD picks up on my stressed vibes!)

Hang in there....remember that being a mum is the most important and hardest job in the world.......but also the most rewarding :thumbsup:

[Michael's mummy]

hi chels21

You sound like a great mum. I did the same with my first. It was really tiring. I have just had another baby and this time I decided I would do a few things differently. I just wanted to metion there is a place that I have heard of in Brisbane to help you get you littlies into a routine. It is called the Riverton Centre. I heard it is really good. I have never used it so I am going on heresay. It is run by nurses. Something to do with Qld health? Mother and baby sleep there and nurses help out for few days.

:fingerscrossed:

[*Chels*]

HI GUYS
thanks for all your help.Rileys been so grizzly/clingy,basically a pain in the *** lately!!I just had my brother stay with us for 2 weeks from NZ so Riley was lavished with attention and now its all over so maybe thats affecting him.Well today my dariling fiance took Riley round to his brothers so I had 2 glorious hours to myself!!!then they came home,Riley had a feed and feel asleep.I went to put him in cot but he started to whimper as soon as he started being lowered in!!I thought F*** IT I'm not going thru another night of hysterical crying(last nite was bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaddddd!!)so we lay down in my bed,he had a bit more food til i pushed him off the boob,we had a cuddle and he went to sleep.this was all before 7pm!!got to watch home and away in peace.I have decided to keep up the co-sleeping during this annoying clingy stage and keep trying to get him in the cot!!
well what a novel!!anyway thanks for the help and advice:kiss:

[Spewiesmum]

My little boy is two days younger than yours! I have to say that 'yes' I do have a routine, 'yes' I love my routine and 'yes', I may have confused you with my title.

I had an awful recovery from an emergency CS and the first six weeks were horrible. I eventually found out the long hours of BF were a waste of time as my milk was no good and "Spewie" wasn't thriving, I was a complete mess and needed order in my life. My DH also works permanent night shift, so I knew it was up to me to sort out our lives.

People kept telling me "you've got to have a routine" but failed to offer any useful suggestions further to this.

I recalled an article I read during my pregnancy and found the magazine and then the website mentioned in the article: www.saveoursleep.com.au From week seven I started the routine. It took about five days for things to fall into place (and then one day for my MIL to undo all my hardwork, but let's not go there!!!). Spewie has just started solids so we are about to start a new routine that differs slightly from the one we are currently following.

Things run smoothly. We have a happy boy who rarely cries - he knows when it's time to sleep, eat and play. I can organise my day easily (some friends suggest that I am a control freak - something I never realised, I just like things to happen for a particular reason). Obviously if we go out things don't always run to schedule but I need to leave the house and have a life at some stage. I do try to make sure he eats on time though and if, say, we have two days out and about, I try to make the third day an 'at home' one.

Sleeps during the day aren't always as long as I'd like, but that's okay. He has only just (JUST!) started sleeping through the night since solids have been introduced. He's an active boy and would wake hungry. There was no pattern and as DH was always at work, I'd be the one dealing with feeds at crazy times of the morning. Not fun when there's no one to share with.

Personally I think we are all happier. In regards to co-sleeping, we did that when I was BF but as I'm an extremely light sleeper, it just wasn't good for me. I think Spewie loves the sanctuary of his cot and bedtime is never a drama.

Not everyone agrees with our routine, my MIL (a nurse and one-time midwife of all people) appears to be one of them. I do intend to try a routine with any brothers or sisters Spewie may have in the future. It may not work and I'll probably freak out and be found hiding in a nice dark place, but who knows!

(PS - DS does have a name - Ewan, we just fallen into the (bad) habit of calling him Spewie, it's not something he does. We should stop before he thinks it's his actual name, but we can't...):shame: :p

[busylizzy]

I agree that you should do whatever works for you (routine or not) but it sounds like it's just not working for you anymore (am I right?) which is why you would like to hear some alternatives?
It is not easy getting a baby into a routine, it takes alot of persistance and hard work but is definately worth it for your sanity and in turn your baby's happiness. A great book that I found really helped me was "The baby Whisperer". Tips include you sleeping in your baby's room next to him until he gets used to his cot (as mensioned by someone previously) and the "hush pat method" and "pick up put down" - an alternative to controlled crying (your baby does not feel deserted). It is also suggested that you try to get him into a routine during the day first before even worrying about night-times (when you are more tired and more likely to give up).
The main thing is persistance and consistancy - stick to whatever you decide to do or your baby will become confused and even more upset. If you are confident your baby will pick up on that and feel more secure. Once a routine has been established and you are both settled and confident it is then possible to make the routine a little more flexible and you won't feel like you're in the army. :ecomcity: I am just blabbering on. These are things I found worked for me (and I have a spirited child so it wasn't easy at first) and just ideas I thought you might like to hear (if not just ignore me:sleeping: ). Goodluck:fingerscrossed:. If you want any more detail on stratagies feel free to pm. I'm no expert but I'll try my best to help.
Liz.
P.S. You are not a crap mum just because your baby cries. All babies cry - they're babies, that's what they do!

[SassyMummy]

I haven't always had a feeding routine for DD, but I've found that it works so much better now that I do. At certain times of the day, I'll feed her. It means I make sure she gets enough each day and still get to bed at night.

I was co-sleeping for a while. Not as long as you have been, but I still did it. When I tried to switch to the cot (I got sick of sharing my side of the bed with DD...she took up too much space!), she would SCREAM and NOT SLEEP. I ended up putting her in her pram next to the bed to sleep in. It worked well, because she was close enough, but not in my bed at the same time. Eventually, we worked our way into the cot...and now, she only sleeps there at night.

I think she knows that the cot is for "bed" because she only goes in there at night. She knows what she's supposed to do.

I really don't know if any of this will help you, but it did help me. Mind you, my bub was a bit younger than yours...