Tell me what you think? [Archive] - Bub Hub Pregnancy & Parenting Forum

UmmInayah

07-12-2007, 19:03

Hi there,

I just want to know if I am acting rationally, or if I am over-reacting..

My SIL is getting married next February. She has made it quite clear that she is not inviting children. My DD will be 9 months when her wedding is scheduled. I have never left her with anyone, and I don't think that I will feel comfortable leaving her even with my mum during the wedding.

(Just so you know, the wedding is at 3pm and the reception at 6pm, and the venue is quite a way from my home.)

I am thinking of not going. DH has said that he is going to take our DD anyway (if we both go), but I don't want to cause a problem with DH's family because SIL has spent a lot of money on the wedding and it obviously means a lot to her. (Sometimes I think it means more to her than having the people she cares about there).

Do you think it is stupid of me to not want to leave DD with anyone? Should I just bite the bullet and go? I know if I am there, I will be panicking about her and I won't enjoy myself anyway. Or should I decline? DH won't go if I am not going, and I don't want him to miss out on his sister's wedding.

It's a while away, so I have some time to think about it. But I am pretty certain I still won't want to leave DD :(

What would you do?

subaruforestermum

07-12-2007, 19:19

Why not start getting use to it now, and leave her for little bits of time with someone else!

Your mum would be the last person you should be worrying about leaving your child with, unless there is something there which hasnt been mentioned!

But I would have to say, you are going to have to learn to let go! And leave her with someone at some stage!

I left DS when he was 4 months old, to go work for 4 days, I only seen him of a night, and although I called every chance I got, it was good for me personally to know he is being looked after properly, is safe and I can still have a good time!

Just my point of view on things! Only you can make the desicion thats right for you though!:cool:

dragonflyblu

07-12-2007, 19:20

we didnt have children at our wedding either. We only had 20 people and it was at a japanese restaurant. But now that I have had a baby I can understand if someone didnt want to leave their baby to come to the wedding. My SIL left her 10 months old for the first time to come to our wedding, but at the time they didnt say anything. If I had known I nwould have been fine with the baby coming. When we thought "no children" we were thinking of the 5-15 year olds who would not have had much fun and the wedding was a dinner at 8pm.

Sorry i am rambling... I guess I am saying that your SIL is probably not thinking "baby" when she thinks no children. I would speak to her and let her know your concerns with leaving bubs. I demand BF so would not have been able to leave my DD for any amount of time. In fact she is 11 months and can go without a feed for hours but i still wouldnt leave her if I was going further than say 30 mintues away. So no I dont think you are overreacting.

meagss

07-12-2007, 19:20

If it was me I would leave DD with my Mum. You are lucky she lives local - mine lives in a different country! I left my 4 month old with my best friend last weekend for the first time ever (I had my Christmas work do to go to). And happily everything went wonderfully. Besides, that's what mobile phones are for!

But however, that's just me. Perhaps you have a specific reason you would worry about DD. Or is there a reason you don't fully trust your Mum, maybe?

workin'mumof2

07-12-2007, 19:22

I personally wouldnt go if my child wasnt inited at such a young age. Especially with my mum but thats a different story. Hope u decide whats right for you. :hugs:

little mermaid

07-12-2007, 19:36

If I were you I would just go and enjoy the time.

I personally dont think that weddings are a place for babies or kids and dont really think they are a safe place for kids to be. Unless they are a newborn that needs to be fed.

I just think it's her special day and her wishes should be respected even if you dont agree.

Amberlea

07-12-2007, 19:58

Why not start getting use to it now, and leave her for little bits of time with someone else!

But I would have to say, you are going to have to learn to let go! And leave her with someone at some stage!

Just my point of view on things! Only you can make the desicion thats right for you though!:cool:

:iagree:

lavenderpegasus

07-12-2007, 19:59

i would go and take the baby. i have a friends wedding coming up and my son will be 8 months when the wedding comes up, I'm worried and my sons is aloud to come.

I didn't want children at my wedding but if someone had said there was an issue, i would of let them come, especially if it was a baby.

if it is a normal wedding, as in at a church then a reception place, I would go to the church adn then just go home. the wedding is the important part...

pm me if you come up with any magical cure, that i could use as well...

lp in wa

squiglet

07-12-2007, 20:07

Go to the wedding, and Take the baby I say.
I've taken DD to 3 weddings all up (at 2 weeks old, 6 months and 7 months), she was the star of the show, no problems at all.
If you don't whant to leave your bub with anyone, then don't. It's nice to see that your partner supports you as well.
There is plenty of time later on to "get used" to leaving your baby with some one else.

I personaly don't feel like leaving my baby (now 8 months) with anyone but DH.

Madi

07-12-2007, 20:13

I think it's perfectly normal not to want to leave your baby. :thumbsup:

Children will eventually get used to being away from you - but I think 9 months is way too young to be trying to train them to be left with other people if there's no real need.

My son is two and I have only left him twice in the evenings. He is not a clingy boy and is happy to play with his Daddy, Nanny or Poppy for a hour or two without me - but I like to be there for him when he goes to bed.

Maybe just go to the ceremony and skip the reception? I'm sure you could take your bub to the ceremony, and maybe your DH could go to the reception without you for a little while?

HTH

Madi.

punkbaby

07-12-2007, 20:18

I understand how you feel leaving bubs i havent left any of mine till they were like 18 months old, and then it was only a few hours and its happened like twice!! You mentioned it was a fair way from your place so why dont you book a motel, get your mum to come with you and stay there so shes close to you should you need to get to bubs quickly. I understand your hesitation etc but if you are 5 minutes away opposed to an hour away at least you know if bubs needs you its only going to be 5 minutes that bub will be unsettled etc. this is what i would do, otherwise i wouldnt go either but thats just me LOL i am just big on being with my kids all the time :) a sook really when i know that they are fine if on the odd chance i leave them its just me being paranoid i guess

UmmInayah

07-12-2007, 20:18

I guess I am saying that your SIL is probably not thinking "baby" when she thinks no children. I would speak to her and let her know your concerns with leaving bubs. I demand BF so would not have been able to leave my DD for any amount of time. In fact she is 11 months and can go without a feed for hours but i still wouldnt leave her if I was going further than say 30 mintues away. So no I dont think you are overreacting.

She said to my face "You know we aren't having children at our wedding?" It was after I was having a conversation with her and MIL about how I just can't leave DD. I said something about trying to see if mum can take her..

I am not worried about my mum looking after her, I think she would be the only person I would leave DD with. Her or my sisters. But I just can't leave her :(

To make matters worse, her sister is pregnant and due 2 days before the wedding. She got angry with her and asked her why she didn't tell her that she was pregnant earlier so she could reschedule because now everyone will be fussing over her sister and not giving the bride all the attention at the wedding (she said this to MIL). Obviously my other SIL can't go because she will have a newborn and will be breastfeeding. Sorry didn't mean to rant.

I will speak to her again and let her know how I feel about leaving DD - maybe she will make an exception?

UmmInayah

07-12-2007, 20:20

Thanks so much for the comments, guys. It's good to know I am not the only one..

Although I do know that there may eventually come a time when I will need to leave her - just hope I am prepared for it then!

UmmInayah

07-12-2007, 20:24

Go to the wedding, and Take the baby I say.
I've taken DD to 3 weddings all up (at 2 weeks old, 6 months and 7 months), she was the star of the show, no problems at all. .

Haha, I think that's the problem! SIL wants to be the star of the show!

shed

07-12-2007, 20:26

UmmInayah

07-12-2007, 20:28

No children means no children, as in ones who will run around and be a nuisance.

Babies are different. You can't expect someone to leave a 9 month old baby behind.

Well I wouldn't expect someone to leave their baby at home, gawd.

She does mean no babies. She specifically wrote on the invitation DH and my name ONLY.

Her own sister won't be going because she can't bring her baby. She also has a 13 month old.

georgiesmum

07-12-2007, 20:58

I had the same dilemma recently with a work Christmas party. I stressed a little over it but in the end I decided to leave her with my Mum (who is more than capable) and my hubby and I had such a great night out (even though I didn't think we would).
I had to tell myself that I couldn't wrap her in cotton wool forever!!! Plus, it is always good for them to get to know their grandparents - they will come in handy when the terrible two's come along I'm sure!!

alanasmum

07-12-2007, 21:58

I think as mums we need to trust our insincts and not force ourselves to do anything before we are ready. I still find it difficult to leave DD and I only leave her with DH or my parents. I don't trust anybody else.

Your SIL clearly does not want children at her wedding - that's her choice as it is her day. But your baby is your priority, not your SIL. So, if you don't feel comfortable leaving your bub, don't go to the wedding. As for whether your DH goes to the wedding, I think that's up to him.

mum23girls

07-12-2007, 22:07

Go out! Have fun!! All work no play.....:hair:

Ana Gram

07-12-2007, 22:13

I wouldn't go if I was unable to leave my child. But I also wouldn't have an issue if I was invited to a wedding without my child. It's someone else's day, if they don't want kids there, it is up to them.

noodle

07-12-2007, 22:17

If it was me I would go and have fun :) I just got back from my SIL's wedding which was in ANOTHER STATE. My 8 month old was invited - but we decided to leave her with my Mum anyway and it was the best thing I could have done. I drank and ate and danced the night away without having to worry about feeding, bathing, settling DD. Hopped on a plane the next night and came home to a content happy baby :)

Benji

07-12-2007, 22:22

It sounds to me like your heart is telling you to stay with your baby.

Have you tried telling your SIL that you don't feel comfortable leaving your 9 month old yet? Maybe give that a go. You could always promise her that if the baby cracks up that you will step outside so as not to disturb anyone.

9 months old is a bit different to a 13 month old toddler! Yours is still al little bubba :)

I haven't left my baby with anyone yet and he's 20 months. You'll know when the time is right just like I will eventually! :D

SassyMummy

07-12-2007, 22:51

If it were me, I'd leave her with my mother at 9 months. BUT... when DD was 9 months, I lived with my mother, so I KNEW for sure she'd handle everything perfectly.

I think the first reply you got was good - why not leave your daughter with your mother for little bursts of time and slowly lengthen them if you feel comfortable. By the time the wedding rolls by, you'll probably be fine. No reason to jump in at the deep end... just take baby steps and you'll get there.

It'll be good in the future too... you can go out with your DP alone, go to the movies with friends, etc etc.

ETsMum

08-12-2007, 00:09

Miaow

08-12-2007, 08:34

I had to a wedding at a reception centre a few months ago where it was the same with no children. It was my BF's brothers wedding so i had to go to it.

EJ hadnt been minded by anyone before but I got my brothers to come and mind her (she had a ball they let her pull out all the clothes in her chest of drawers lol).

Cause i wasnt sure how she'd go with my brothers i ended up just going for the wedding so i wouldnt be home to late as it was an 1.5hr drive each way (was a 5.30pm wedding then reception). I just let them know early that i wouldnt be there for the dinner afterwards so they could work out their catering.

HaydensMummy

08-12-2007, 08:46

i have the same problem coming up april next yr.
my little boy will be 7mths when my cousin gets married and she has also made it clear they don't want babies there.
i don't think i will go cause i don't think i will have had him babysat by then and also he is breastfed and wont have been on solids long.
all my family will be at the wedding and my hubbys familly lives overseas.
1 of his aunts lives here but they all smoke heavily at their house and i don't want to leave bub there.
so anyway i know where u r coming from.
i wont be going to her wedding if bub can't come and if they can't understand that our babies are most important to us and come first that is their problem.

LotusMum

08-12-2007, 08:47

I havent yet left my nearly one year old with anyone for more than a quick dash to the shops. I understand what you are going through as I am about to leave her overnight for the first time with my MIL.
Of course she will be fine and well cared for, but thats not really the point is it? You havent left your baby before and you dont feel comfortable about it. That is perfectly fine and you shouldnt feel weird about it.
I know I wouldnt feel comfy leaving a 9 month old with anyone for a long period of time while I was going to be very far away, especially if its your first baby.
If I were you, I would explain how you feel to your SIL (she may not realise it is an issue at all) and she will either say yes or no. You can then make your decision from there. See if you can compromise like just take your baby to the wedding and not the reception or maybe your Mum can go with you and she can take your baby out for the day and maybe you can all stay overnight in a hotel? Im sure you will come up with a solution, and if not, you should do what your heart says and not worry about what anyone says. By the way, your DH will make his own decision and it is his to own, dont feel guilty about what he chooses, its his sister and he's a big boy now.
Good luck with your decision

Lipsmacker01

08-12-2007, 10:46

Hey there Umminayah

Look Im in a very similar position to u as u might already know. Our girls are of similar age and I would never leave her alone with my mum either!, Mother in law maybe. Other people have different ways dont they! and a lot of mums or carers dont really like being told how to care for your child because it some how makes them feel like they are not competent in a way - does that make sense?! My mums like that and she used to look after children. I told her that if you are like that then no one will ever leave kids with u but every mother wants whats best for her child.

DD1 is breast fed (is your girl breastfed?) and thats what makes it difficult for us as she refuses to drink a lot of milk out of a sippy cup she only has small sips. Im training her at the moment so I can go back to work in Feb.

Could you possibly leave ur girl with your partner for short periods? Even just for a breath of fresh air, like say to the shops every now and then.
At 9 months I would expect her feeds to not be as frequent and maybe your partner can offer her water and meals?

I guess I would be feeling the exact same things as you right now. The fact that the venue is quite far doesnt help and I bet you're probably thinking ur little girl will cry the whole time which she probably wont.

Its a scary thought leaving babies with someone for a few hours, Ive only ever done it once with my mother in law in July. I never get a break:no:

It is a hard call. If its only one night and since its such a special event, Id try my best to go but in the meantime I would be making every effort to leave her in someone elses care (someone you absoloutely trust) just so she gets used to not relying on you for a change so shes not hysterical on the night.

I guess Id be a bit indecisive too but if you think about it, if you dont go then you might not get an opportunity to go out and have a good time for a long while.

Trust your gut, Im sure you will make the right decision.

UmmInayah

08-12-2007, 10:47

If it were me... and my SIL REALLY didn't want HER niece at the wedding, BUT I REALLY wanted to go, then I'd at least go to the ceremony with bub and skip the reception. Where is the wedding itself being held? Usually they are in public places, so no one can really stop you from turning up, besides she'll be a bit pre-occupied at the time.

She's having the wedding at Roma Street Parklands - It's a public area, but she doesn't want children there either :rolleyes:

After reading all these posts, I realise that I really need to speak to SIL about it. I really don't see myself feeling comfortable leaving bub. And it's not that I don't trust my mother (I trust her the most over anyone else), it's that I just don't want to leave her. I don't want to get comfortable with leaving her either! LOL.

I was thinking before last night that it is so selfish of her to not want her nieces there, but now that I think of it, it is HER day..

I've told my MIL about it, and she told me to decline. DH and SIL get along REALLY well, so she will be disappointed if we can't go and might change her mind about things. It upsets me too that she doesn't mind that her OWN sister won't be going because she won't allow her to come with a newborn.

I thought long and hard about this last night, and I don't want to put SIL in a position that she will need to sacrifice having DD there, just for the sake of DH.. IYKWIM?

Thank you SO much for helping me with this :) Reading these posts have made me re-think what I was thinking before and I feel a little bit more convinced it is best to speak to SIL about it.

UmmInayah

08-12-2007, 10:55

DD1 is breast fed (is your girl breastfed?) and thats what makes it difficult for us as she refuses to drink a lot of milk out of a sippy cup she only has small sips. Im training her at the moment so I can go back to work in Feb.

Could you possibly leave ur girl with your partner for short periods? Even just for a breath of fresh air, like say to the shops every now and then.
At 9 months I would expect her feeds to not be as frequent and maybe your partner can offer her water and meals?

I guess I would be feeling the exact same things as you right now. The fact that the venue is quite far doesnt help and I bet you're probably thinking ur little girl will cry the whole time which she probably wont.

Its a scary thought leaving babies with someone for a few hours, Ive only ever done it once with my mother in law in July. I never get a break:no:

It is a hard call. If its only one night and since its such a special event, Id try my best to go but in the meantime I would be making every effort to leave her in someone elses care (someone you absoloutely trust) just so she gets used to not relying on you for a change so shes not hysterical on the night.

I guess Id be a bit indecisive too but if you think about it, if you dont go then you might not get an opportunity to go out and have a good time for a long while.

Trust your gut, Im sure you will make the right decision.

I do breastfeed my DD. Although she LOVES her sippy cup and will probably drink more out of it than at the breast haha - well at least it feels that way :)

To be honest with you, I don't feel like I ever want to leave DD. I know my mum can look after her really well, it's just that I can't part with her. I don't want to part with her ever! It might sound strange, but right now, I would just feel SO guilty if I left her.

I have let DH take her to the shops a couple of times, and that I have been fine with because she will come back to me 30 mins later.. But that's the most I have been away from her. I'm not much of a going out person so I don't really mind not going places. I go to friends places a lot, because I know I can take her with me at night and put her to sleep there but that's about it :)

She's such a wonderful baby, thankfully.. So I am not worried about her crying - she only ever really cries if she is overtired and refuses to sleep or if she is hurt. I don't think she will miss me, although she might not be going through the separation anxiety phase yet hehe.

I guess I am not really worried about DD - more worried about myself being away from her. I don't know how I would cope IYKWIM?

alexsmom

08-12-2007, 11:09

hi there- I definitely think you should go- and you should get your mother to look after her! Even if you choose to only go to one part so you dont have to be separated for that long. It will be good for both of you to learn to be apart for a bit! Maybe you could get your mum to come to a place thats closer to the wedding- like a hotel and that way you can physically go and check on her yourself every now and then.

I dont think you can just bring the baby to the wedding- I know how your SIL felt- we didnt want children (including babies) at our wedding. It will be upsetting for everyone if you just show up like that and you would probably never hear the end of "how you ruined her wedding day!"

abbysmummy1

08-12-2007, 11:34

I also had a "no kids" policy at my wedding. We had kids galore at the church but no kids at the reception. It is totally the bride's right to say who she wants and who she doesn't want at her wedding. I can't believe there are people on here that have suggested you still take your child, against the bride's wishes. IMO you're just asking for trouble if you do that. Go or don't go, but allow this poor woman to have the wedding she is entitled to!

GeorgeousGirlBubbas

08-12-2007, 11:43

If you dont feel comfortable leaving your bub with your mum then i dont think you should go to the wedding, especially after your SIL has made it clear that she does not want kids there.

I have never left my kids with anyone other than my mother or my sister, these are the only two people i completely trust and i have had to depend on them from time to time, which has been wonderful to know my babies are comfortable with them...god knows if something were to ever happen to DH and I.

I understand that it is very hard to part with your bub and also being your first one, but dont you think it would be nice to know that you could leave bubby with mum if you ever HAD to. Just a thought.

amandaw

08-12-2007, 11:46

You mentioned it was a fair way from your place so why dont you book a motel, get your mum to come with you and stay there so shes close to you should you need to get to bubs quickly. I understand your hesitation etc but if you are 5 minutes away opposed to an hour away at least you know if bubs needs you its only going to be 5 minutes that bub will be unsettled etc.

I second this one!! My Aunty had 4 under 5 at our wedding, and while we didn't specify no children (the eldest was our ring bearer), she wanted to be able to relax a little. She brought her best friend with her and booked a room in the same place that we were having the reception - she popped in and out all night and had the best of both worlds! There are tonnes of places to stay around Roma Street parklands ... your mum could take your bub for a walk for 1/2 an hour while the ceremony is on, you can spend time with her in between while photos are being taken (and maybe evn get her into a family one...a bit cheeky) then pop in and out during the reception...just something to consider - I'm sure you'll be comfortable with what ever decision you make :yes:

Also on a side note - it's really important for you to find someone who you do feel comfortable with - there are always things that happen that we can't plan for, and if there was some kind of medical emergency or something really important happening, you want to know that your DD is safe and you can focus on whatever is needing to be dealt with. I know it's hard, and probably not the thing that anyone wants to think about, but my SIL had to go in for an emergency appendectomy a few weeks back....she'd never left her DS with anyone, and my brother was torn between wanting to focus on her (it was really serious) and trying to deal with her concern with DS....just food for thought....

UmmInayah

08-12-2007, 14:11

I second this one!! My Aunty had 4 under 5 at our wedding, and while we didn't specify no children (the eldest was our ring bearer), she wanted to be able to relax a little. She brought her best friend with her and booked a room in the same place that we were having the reception - she popped in and out all night and had the best of both worlds! There are tonnes of places to stay around Roma Street parklands ... your mum could take your bub for a walk for 1/2 an hour while the ceremony is on, you can spend time with her in between while photos are being taken (and maybe evn get her into a family one...a bit cheeky) then pop in and out during the reception...just something to consider - I'm sure you'll be comfortable with what ever decision you make :yes:

Also on a side note - it's really important for you to find someone who you do feel comfortable with - there are always things that happen that we can't plan for, and if there was some kind of medical emergency or something really important happening, you want to know that your DD is safe and you can focus on whatever is needing to be dealt with. I know it's hard, and probably not the thing that anyone wants to think about, but my SIL had to go in for an emergency appendectomy a few weeks back....she'd never left her DS with anyone, and my brother was torn between wanting to focus on her (it was really serious) and trying to deal with her concern with DS....just food for thought....

I know I can trust my mum, sisters and dad 100%. My sister and dad are both doctors too, and my sister is currently living with my parents, so 2 docs under 1 roof! So I am not too worried about WHO she will be with because I have a few people who I trust totally. It's more that I am worried about myself being away from her :(

I will see if I can get a place for mum to stay.. although I don't want to put her out.. I mean, it's my problem, not hers, you know? She would probably prefer to be in her own home too.

I have a few ideas now of how I am going to approach this. Thanks so much. I will speak to SIL first and see what she says about bring DD to the wedding and not the reception..

Amielle

09-12-2007, 02:12

maybe another reason why your SIL doesn't want to invite kids is to avoid the possibility of them "acting up". It can be disruptive when a child suddenly has a tantrum, or wants to wander off and there'll be mums or dads chasing them around. also the crying. To have the perfect wedding, i'm sure the crying in the background won't be too appealing on the wedding video.

i think you and your partner should go to the wedding. For sure shed like to have family with her on her special day and for sure your mum will do a great job.

Purplebird

09-12-2007, 09:39

Don't feel funny about not wanting to leave your bub. Regardless of what transpires with SIL's wishes it's your choice about leaving DD. We don't have family in this country so we hadn't left DD until recently - I got a friend from Mother's Group to mind DD whilst she was in bed asleep so she didn't even know we were gone. I was so worried about leaving her and when it came to it I felt very sick. I won't be leaving her again in a hurry!

Good luck with everything.

MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea

09-12-2007, 14:25

I understand how you feel - I never liked the idea of leaving DS lots of little times to get him used to it for one event either because then it meant for the one occassion I would have had to leave him several times - not worth it to me.

Fortunately for me when my cousin had a no children wedding they still invited the ones under 12months, and DS being 14 months they let him scrape through! Then my brothers wedding was a no children one except for the bridal couples own nieces and nephews - in the end my DH and I were the only ones who brought our DS though and it was so great having him there - he was great and had a ball and we were sitting on the head table because DH was the best man and there were no problems.

If you feel comfortable with it probably the suggestion of having your mum nearby is the best, otherwise I could understand if you didnt go. I would be encouraging your DH to go though as his sisters wedding is a big deal.

I know what you mean about not being actually worried that something will happen, you just dont want to leave her. I still dont like to leave DS and he is almost 20months now. Most people we know have gotten used to this now and expect to see him with me wherever I go and he is great with all different places and people and in restaurants or wherever.