View Full Version : Just want to get a few opinions
Okay - so I've talked to a good friend tonight and she's made me feel better about my responses to my stepkids biomum, but just wanted to get a few more people's responses....
I had a text today from the kids' biomum about getting an advance on their child support for december:
"How u going was just wondering my next lot of money from u is the 14 and then the 28 is there any chance on the 14 I can have both of them please and what do u want to do about christmas" (she also sent another message if I couldn't do a full payment early - then to do half a payment)
My response:
"We'll let you know about christmas, we can only give you advance on child support if DH is paid early - there's no reason he'd get paid early. Cant see any way we'd be able to even do half payment early - sorry"
her response:
"Well what ever i really need it will just tell child support u dont pay me see what happens then it up to the kids if they want to come not me"
then..." I asked for a favour like u give a sh!t hey"
my response:
"Not about not giving a sh!t Cant pluck money out of the sky - if we dont have the money till DH gets paid - we dont. Child support dont give advances anytime."
Also got a message from DSD at this time - she has fallen over at work (she works at Maccas) and thinks she's broken her arm and is at hospital I also added to the previous message that I'd call DSD but it is 10pm by this time and DH is in bed
her response:
"Don't bother calling her we at hospital if u can i really need it"
I did send a message to DSD (her mobile was off ) "Sorry to hear about your arm - dad's asleep but I'll tell him in the morning so he can call you. Hope it's not broken and you're feeling better soon. xx"
Okay - my question is - is it so unreasonable for me to refuse to advance a child support payment to the biomum prior to christmas? I haven't done any christmas shopping for my kids or the step kids let alone any others and our pay is dependent on DH's pay and me doing a certain amount of hours (about half of my pay is eaten up by child care money).
My step kids mum gets $570 per fortnight from us and about $700 per fortnight (alternate week) from centrelink (including pps and ftb - while living with a fella).
For us to advance her $570 (or even $285 which is half which she asked for if we couldn't do a whole payment) I'd have to forgo paying a bill from savings and do it on credit.
She has had all year to know Christmas is coming yet she waits till one payment before Christmas to ask for an advance then threatens we won't see the kids.
This is a common theme to how Christmas goes in our household - we have a parenting plan that states that we're supposed to have the step kids 4hours on Christmas day and otherwise on boxing day, i hate how she sends me these messages (knowing I do the internet banking not DH) rather than DH.
I think she's trying to put the guilts on us, but by doing this cr@p she ends up alienating us more and making us feel like we'll just plan our Christmas day and bugger what's happening with the kids.
(Last year we did Christmas at our house for all family and DH left half way through the day to pick up the SK's while the deal we made 6weeks prior was to have them all day boxing day so they'd have 2 Christmas' (they live 150km away). She threatened she'd just turn up on our doorstep and dump them - as she'd bought presents for "the F!@#$ing kids" - my children)
Hmm - really makes me into doing stuff to help her out - not!!!
BreakfastatTiffanys
02-12-2007, 07:13
I don't think you are being unfair at all. If biomum had given more notice maybe you could have been able to help. I think she is being really selfish to ask this 2 weeks before the payment is due. She has had all year as you said. I think you need to worry about your own christmas shopping for the kids IYKWIM. JMO.
mythreelittlemonkeys
02-12-2007, 14:52
Oh Pegasus...we had this for 2 years on the trot...each time we were made to feel so bad (1st time as we lived overseas and they wouldnt get a christmas if we didnt...and 2nd time she basically threatened not to let us have kids and said they would be without a house if we didnt help.) She even got funny because we wouldnt just give to her...we gave her advance & didnt then pay her for the weeks after until all square.
I dont know about the first time but the second time she didnt have the children for 3 weeks, got the advance, blew it on partying with her then partner, and never used it as a deposit/bond as she then couldnt get the house (no money left).
So we are never doing again...last year she made us feel awful because we couldnt afford to...my parents flew us to UK and ex told kids we had spent all our money on this and they wouldnt be having any sort of Christmas because of this...well they did...and we did Christmas with them afterwards too...she was just trying to make us and the children feel awful.
This year all change she is in a stable relationship, and we now pay through CSA, she does ask for extras sometimes but she doesnt get cash.
I would say dont do it, but if you have to...make it clear she wont receive maintenance after Christmas for the subscribed number of weeks advanced to her...I would document it all too...like you said the CSA would never give an advance...
It is totally unreasonable behaviour...and with regards to her telling CSA you dont pay...we had that July 06 and they just took into account regular payments showing on bank records for past 2 years and there wasnt an issue(infact she lost out as Centrelink realised she had been double dipping.)
Why should you and your family suffer because she cannot manage on what is alot of assistance (compared to alot of people), and expect you all to go without because she hasnt budgeted. It is not as if you and your DH dont pay her regularly, or help out...she is just taking the p@**! It is hard as the children used as pawns in games like this...not how it should be, and I hate hearing when it is by either side.
musicalmummy
03-12-2007, 08:54
thats tricky. she sounds like a manipulative woman. child support won't really do anything as they go by the court papers. and she can't keep the kids from seeing you guys if its in the papers...i checked with the police on this one myself.
personally i would try and stay out of it from now on. it's not up to you,it's up to DH. i used to get all the texts form my step kids biomum, then thought no why should i be the one getting abused, so tol dhim to tell her not to contact me. it's been alot less stressful since then.
good luck
DustyPeach
06-12-2007, 15:03
Huggs Pegasus. Stick by your guns not to pay her. She needs to budget to what she is entitled too.
If she was to go to CSA she would be paid once a month on the third wed of each month and your payments would be due by the 7th of said month. You also have that right to go to CSA. Personally if I were you I would be talking to them about commencng action with them. There is no need for her to make repeated claims of you not paying when you do. Btw they told me that if I chose a private arangement the ownus would be on me to collect the money and they would assume that he is paying me. The burdon of proof would then be on me to show he is not paying.
CSA will pay you IF the money is there and you have financial hardship. However this is not done lightly and you will need to have a good reason. They have paid me my money a few times early when it had been there because ex had been paying late and it was obvious we had hardship.
I think the CSA option is a good one in your situation for numerous reasons. You will have one due date a month and can pay money too CSA as it suits you provided your paid in full by the due date of course. She will no longer be able to ask you for advances because she will have to deal with CSA. If I were you I would answer her repeated txt's once saying you need to talk to DH about this I am not going to be in the middle.
Your situation has been on going for years she needs to be put in her place and forced to budget. I have budgeted for a great chritmass for me and the kids. I have done this on the single parent pension with chid support as he chose to pay it. Again if she cant budget its not your fault she needs to learn. While ever you give in and pay her early she will not learn. If she truley has a bill or some such due and has a genuaine appearance of need. Get said bill from her and pay it then pay her the ballance of the maintenance when due. I would not be handing money over that seemingly had no end to it.
We all are in full support for you honey. Be strong budget for the maintenance when its due and not before. Dont let your family suffer this christmass enjoy it and stand up for yourself. :)
Pegs, what a horrible situation! what amazes me is how she cant live off of that amount! like you, half of my wage is taken up with child support - i could never afford an advance like that!!!
now im not going to rant and rave about how $500 odd dollars a fortnight would feed and cloth both your sk's but seriously, you also have had to budget for xmas why should it be any different for her?? she has set payment weeks!
i would stick to my guns and not give her an advance - if she cant afford christmas, offer to have the kids so that they can at least have a memorable one!!!
Valentine to you my sweets - and heres to a fab christmas spent with your DH and beautiful kids......
:hugs: Pegs, your not being unreasonable in the slightest. God that woman makes me so angry and I dont even know her :thumbsdown:
Like you said to her, you cant just pluck money out of the sky (oh wouldn't it be nice) and she has had plenty of time to organize for christmas, it's not your fault her priorities are screwed up.
Glad DSD's arm is ok and not broken btw.
:hugs: enjoy your much deserved break ok.
sopolicha
07-12-2007, 14:11
Oh dear. Could the woman be any more unreasonable? Not to mention the hollow threats.
When we are having trouble with bio Dad and agreement can't be reached, we always refer back the order and do exactly what the order says.
I also like the idea of using the CSA, it would certainly put an end to the asking for CS in advance. If nothing else it would take away a reason for her to contact you.
$2280 a month, how does the woman sleep at night?
Here have a :hugs:.
$2280 a month, how does the woman sleep at night?
She's evil and has no conscience (sp?) :no:
Kiana's Mum
07-12-2007, 14:52
As a step mum too I say stick to your guns and don't pay her anything more than she is entitled too especially when she is threatening the kids against you. So typical.. we all seem to go through it.
I could say lots lots more about the whole child support thing but what is the point we all know it is unfair and will never change. I am all for paying for your children and so you should but what I find amusing is that some children apparently cost $8 a month to raise and others cost $400+ Go figure!!! I get the whole more you earn more you pay stuff but if the dad/mum has to start from scratch while the other one gets the kids, house, car and furniture.. should they still get as much money too!!! There I got my gripe in.
Good luck, try to enjoy your christmas anyway and just remember, the children eventually grown up, cotton on to the situation and work it out for themselves... I am living for that day!!!!:yes:
I think you've done the right thing as far as money goes... As you said, how can you pluck money out of thin air?
My sister's boys live with their dad, and she goes through this every Christmas. It seems so unfair to use kids as a bargaining tool :thumbsdown:. This year, she's not seeing them at all... She has them the weekend before, and that's it.
I hope it all gets sorted soon.
Hannahs Mum
09-12-2007, 13:42
I wouldnt be playing any of her games.
Remember it is about control... there is nothing she or CSA can do to make you pay early.
As for christmas.... make your own plans.
She will try to ruin them no matter what.
Take control and ownership.... dont let this woman control your lives.
Thank you to all of you ladies for your support!!:thumbsup:
this is why I'm a member of Bubhub - I can't whinge to hubby - he's too close to it, and I'm sure my friends IRL are sick of it without really understanding it.
Our agreement is through CSA - as NAP (Non-agency Payments - so they tell how much should be paid and we just organise the payments). I guess I've dug my own grave before by doing advance payments in other years - but this would have been before I had my own children and was working fulltime - not working parttime with two small children and paying full price for daycare.
This behaviour isn't new, neither is the response...
I've enlisted MIL's help and hubby - I've messaged DSD (even telling her that it would be good for her to message her dad to tell him when her phone is on so he can call her back).
MIL told me today - that she's tried calling DSD over the weekend - no answer and she tried calling biomum - phone disconnected.... The only way we can get hold of DSS (we thought we'd be having him last weekend) is through his mother as he doesn't have his own phone at the moment - when ever he does - it's disconnected within a month - and DSD's is pointless if it's turned off or she ignores our messages, and their internet is turned off so no point emailing.
Last I asked biomum about access for DSS, she said she'd ask and get back to us - surprise, surprise - she didn't get back to us till asking about the money. The phone disconnection is nothing to do with the money she's asked for - the next maintenance payment isn't due till this Friday.
Just gets me sooo angry - as it's the kids that then think dad is a deadbeat, as he wants nothing to do with mum's manipulating ways - so he doesn't call her - so no contact with DSS at the moment and DSD has phone turned off, so doesn't even know we've called.
Then again - I know her (DSD) dad is hurt that she will find credit to message me or her friends but he doesn't get the calls - so I sent her a message last tuesday - last contact I tried - may sound a bit catty, but we're getting fed up and DSD is starting to play some silly games too...(this is no surprise - she's 14 and growing up in a home where her main role model has shown her that playing games is how you get what you want from life):
"Dad tried to call a couple of times yesterday to see how you are as you were busy on sunday when he called, but your phone was off. If you message him when you're able to talk he'd call you back - he knows you message me and your friends but not him and he doesn't usually sms from his phone cos it's a work one. He's going away to melbourne today till thursday or friday. Hope things are going better for you xx"
Anyway - we're trying for boxing day this year, as that is so much better - the kids get two christmas', boxing day is much more relaxing as we can take the whole day usually and we actually get to sit down with the kids and spend some time with them. Our parenting plan papers say 4hours on Christmas day - but we only get that when it suits their mother - 3 times in the last 10years - maybe to reaffirm I've done the right thing by not advancing the money (can still do a portion of it- I haven't bought my kids anything for Christmas yet) I should bring up the thread i did last year at Christmas to remind me how it doesn't matter how much I try to help it all goes pearshaped to the detriment of all kids
Anyway - thanks for your support - without hearing from her, or either of the kids, it's extremely frustrating and it's good to know you ladies are here to listen and support:shakehands::hugs::bee:
Okay - here's my update. After not hearing anything from the mother or my DSD or DSS for nearly 2weeks - since Saturday 1st, I got a text from DSD today..
"Mum has no cred she wantz 2no if ur paying double dis wk xxx"
Grrr - why does she have to go through DSD? Surely she could call on DSD's phone as herself, rather than get DSD to send the message.
I sent in return...
"I'd told your mum we coudn't afford to - she should be talking to your dad about this stuff - if she doesn't have his number it's xxxxxxxx. Your dad, grandma and i have all been trying to contact you to find out how your arm is, when we can see you and DSS, and what's happening for xmasbut no reply to messages, your phone's been off and haven't been able to get your mum. Hope you can let your dad know when he can call you xx"
Hmmm - got this in return...
"My phone hasnt been turnd of i dunoits probz stufn up bt my arm is al beta nw let u no sn whatz goin on 4 chrisy luv u xo"
Soooo frustrating...I know hubby is really frustrated he doesn't get the calls/messages and I feel so stuck in the middle. We've been hoping to get boxing day but it's really hard with what happened last year when we planned for that (spoke to biomum 6weeks before Christmas to arrange it) then ended up with abuse and kids for 3hours on Christmas day where it was all rushed and not as enjoyable.
Also hating the way the texts are worded - hubby said if I have a problem reading them, he'd have no chance!!!
That's why I posted them as they've appeared
Okay - vent over again - it's always good to get it out of my sytem - thanks girls!:flowerz:
Yikes hon. Here is a hug:hugs:
I cant believe some mothers. Can I ask, does this woman work?
Look regaurding your step daughter and step son. Maybe you should tell them what your plans are and stick with it rather than asking them to decide. While everything is up in the air, your hubby and you are also (which I think builds resentment) You are being mucked around with, and the biomother is calling all the shots.
Regarding the childsupport, :thumbsup: you are doing the right thing.
:mad:why should you give her an advance???
Hang in there hon. 4 more years and your step daughter will not be on a parenting plan, not much longer for step son either.
:hugs:
Thanks spoon.
Yep - we've tried telling them the plans and then sticking to it - but their mother is a violent abusive person so if she chooses to do so can just turn up or run off with the kids at a pick up time (has happened many times in the past - not the turned up one - she hasn't been to our house and we'd rather keep it that way). Means we've tried to run our lives in a way to keep the abuse and violence to a minimum in the last few years....
definitely not ideal!
The mother is apparently working at an abbattoir at the moment. She's never lodged a tax return and any work she's done has been cash and has only lasted about a month at the most - she can't seem to hold down a job - surprise surprise!
I do know she's still doing this job at the abbattoir as apparently the night DSD thought she'd broken her arm, she had to wait for mum to get home from her work Christmas party to take her to the hospital to get her checked out.
Yep - sad as it is, we're counting down the time for maintenance to end - DSD's birthday is in March, so only just over 3years for her:yes:
Goes to show just how low she will sink by getting DSD to send the message. That is so wrong! Definately not fair that you get stuck in the middle either, must be so hard on you :hugs:
Goes to show just how low she will sink by getting DSD to send the message. That is so wrong! Definately not fair that you get stuck in the middle either, must be so hard on you :hugs:
My thoughts too - I don't care how low on credit she is - before DSD got a phone, she'd always find a friend to go over to to contact me to ask me about money (requesting money for braces when DSD never got them, money for glasses DSS wore for one month...)
What irks me is she's now teaching DSD that if you push people they'll do what you want and yes - there is a sense of entitlement. The manipulation has been there for years, but it's rearing it's ugly head more and more in DSD's actions.
I feel so sorry for the kids. They must be so confused, they have such good role models in you and their dad then they go home to her..
Sad thing is we're not seeing nearly as much of them at the moment as we would like to, or should be.
Between DSD's phone being off (yes, it was straight through to some stupid message again today when DH tried it) - so can't talk to her (besides she's always working) and biomum not talking to us (no credit or whatever) - so not able to talk to DSS, it's hard to know what's going on for them.
I got a call from biomum tonight (yes, on my phone again - not DH's):banghead:. I saw it was a private number, so asked DH to answer it - he said find out who it is first - I told him I knew it would be her, but picked it up anyway. It was her - she said - "The kids want to come up before Christmas" Great (I thought - we'll see them on the weekend - or next weekend). Then she said - "Christmas eve, like - the Sunday till Monday"
Doesn't work for us - as we're both working - I then told her this and said we were hoping we'd be able to work something for boxing day. She said she'd have to get back to me. I asked her then if she'd like to speak to DH - she said "No, not really".
Hate this piggy in the middle business. Makes me want to turn my phone off - and leave it up to everyone else - but I know if I did that, then we wouldn't see them at all:mad:
Yep - been seriously thinking tonight I'd like to take off and stay somewhere else for a few days with no phone. But, of course I have my own kids to think about and can't just take off - also working 5days next week (not full days, but full enough with kids in onsite creche, so I can check on them all the time), and no me time.
Okay - here's my scream, as I can't do it anywhere else and I know you all can feel it even if you can't hear it...
AAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!!:hissy:
Now that feels better *breathes sigh of relief for getting it out!*
BreakfastatTiffanys
14-12-2007, 06:44
No words of wisdom from me I just wanted to say it sounds like you are doing the best you can and I just wanted to send you some christmas :hugs::hugs::hugs:
Oh hun.:hugs: I have only just gotten home tonight to find this and see that she is still carrying on about this christmas **** and the money. GRRRRRR. I wish there was more I could do to help but you know I am here for you anytime you need to chat.
PS - quit looking at the time i posted, yes i did get online as soon as i got home
Gday Pegs. A big fat no would be my answer and also I would be reporting her to centrelink for doing cash jobs as its seems she is lying about her income. Also are family services aware of her violence. I would also give the taxation department a little call.
Maybe they could evaluate the amount of child support you guys pay as that seems to be excessive.
Good luck with it all.
Love
Jayney
alphafemale2901
23-12-2008, 04:24
I don't think its unreasonable, even if you had the money. Grown-ups are supposed to budget and like you say she has had plenty of time leading up to Chrissy to take care of things she needs to buy.
As for buying your kids presents and trying to put guilt and threats on you. Pffft. I wouldn't take anything of DH's X.
She needs to pull her head in.
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