I just don't know what to do (sorry long)

[Mealsye]

If anyone can give me any advice at all I would be eternally grateful. I just don't know what else to do.

I had ds nearly 4 years ago. He was the perfect baby. I would listen to all the other mothers complain about they baby and didn't understand anything they were going through. When he was 6 months I had to return to work. Everyday I cried and dream about ways to be with him. Last August I gave up work 8 months pregnant. I had this fantasy that at last I was going to be with him and it was everything I had dreamed. But it is not like that at all.

My little boy has had no stayablity at all. It August he stopped being in daycare fulltime to only one day a week. November he got another brother who has been a total handful (reflux, lactose intolerent, colic, takes 1 1/2 hours to drink a bottle). Then Dad was on holidays, and then back at work. February he started Kindy and March his favourite Uncle died very suddenly.

Everyday since his Uncle died he screams I don't want to go to kindy my friends fight. He never did this at daycare at all. I spoke to his kindy teacher and she said that the kids were playing and they got louder then him and he got frightened (this is in line with what he is telling me). I sent him to this kindy because they develop them to the level that they are at. His teacher seems to think that his intelligence is the level of a grade 3 but physically and emotionally he can't keep up.

Today he went to his Aunty's place when he come home he said he didn't want to come home that he doesn't like his brother because he takes all of Mummy and Mummy doesn't want him any more.

This hurt so much. My day starts at 5am and I get to bed most nights at midnight. During that time I don't stop. How do I give him that extra attention so he doesn't feel neglected. How do I know when his trantrums are because he is feeling that way or because he is naughty? How do I develop him to his level without stopping him from being a child ? How do I know when he is naughty and when he is frustrated because of his intelligence? Where can I get his intelligence check? How do I get a normal life back for him?

I love him so much. He still captures the beauty in this world in everything he is. I don't want to take his innocence away but things can't stay the way they are.

[Mumof2+1]

I don't know if I can help, but I will try.
I have 2 kids Taylah 8yrs & Jacob 6yrs & am 34 weeks pregnant.
My son Jacob is abit like yours. 1 1/2 years ago he was diagnosed with Obsessive compulsive disorder & depression. But has no behavioural problems. His IQ is very high.
He wanted to stop going to day care for the same reasons as your boy. Because of his OCD he thinks he should be perfect & can't understand why other children can't be quiet & behave themselves. As he them sees himself as different to the other children, he thinks there is something wrong with him, hence the depression kicks in. Because he is also has a high IQ, he talks on a more adult level wich the other kids can't comprehend. Once again he then thinks there is something wrong with him.
I'm not saying that this is what is going on with your child, but it is worth getting him checked out. My was seeing a psycologist for a while and is now doing realy well. But I think that is more due to the fact that the psycologist has helped us to help him & we now know how to help him when he is feeling this way.
I also advise you get him checked out early as we have been told that although his IQ is very high for his age, his emotional problems could cause him to have learning difficulties if he can't learn to control how he's feeling.
The biggest problem we have faced this year when he started school has been that when the other children are misbehaving in class he gets very stressed and distracted. but with help from his teacher he has overcome this.

I do hope this helps you.
I can't give you any advice in relation to the other bub as my boy is our youngest(at least for another 6weeks), but if you can adress the other issues maybe it will help with this.
Best of luck anyway. :)

Trish
Taylah 8yrs
Jacob 6yrs
34weeks pregnant

[Kat]

I don't know how relevant this answer is going to be but here is a little of my experience with a couple of things you might or might not relate to:

the first thing is about his favourite uncle dying (how sad for you all) - my Mum died when my nieces and nephew were around 2, 4 & 7 & I remember hearing in the course of discussing how to help them, that trauma and grief in chidren can often set them back 12-24 months in development for a period of time. e.g. some toddlers who are previously toilet trained need nappies again etc etc. Perhaps there are aspects of your sons emotional development that have just been 'shocked' away for a little bit. I think all you can do is love them & accept the change until it goes away (as welll as talk to them about their problems)

Also in terms of the kindy teacher identifying his intelligence at yr 3 and emotional not keepign up with his peers - there are a couple of people in our family with Aspergers Syndrome which is characterised by social / emotional difficulties coupled usually with high intelligence & obsessive interests. It is certainly worth looking into - like Trish said, even if it just helps you to be able to help him.

I really feel for you as there is so much change in your life too, I can relate to this and its so hard. My mantra is "this too shall pass" - being me of course my next thought is "WHEN>??????" :)

Good luck and take care of yourself.

Kat

[mummyb]

this is my email i address i want you to email me so i can give you my number so you can call me.
now im going to tell you something very important so listen up , ...........
this is not your fault !!!
this is a normal four year olds reaction to a lot of change .
my four year old was exactly the same ,you wouldnt even imagine the horrid things that came out of his mouth .
but i realised what was going on ,i looked at what people told me i could do and what i thought would work for me and i just sat down and made aplan and it worked it was a little bit of work but he is the most caring ,creative,loving child since .
so dont be shy email me i'll give you my number and i can tell you what i did to turn my monster in to the joy i have today.
read everyones posts and take notes so you can go away and make a plan for a great change in your beautiful child.
your a great mum , you know how i know with out meeting you ?
because you cared enough to ask for help ,that is great.
from briony my address owl135@hotmail.com
hope to hear from you soon!!!!!

[LouLou]

Hi,
You sounded so sad and frustrated in your post and I do hope you are having a better day today.
You should know that every mum who decides to have a 2nd child goes through the neglect pain and anguish that we no longer feel as though we can 'GIVE IT ALL". It sounds as though you are going through a really tough time at the moment with second bub. The fact that you are acknowledging that is great.
Our children’s "bad" behavior can knock us all for six at times and that's normal too.
You mentioned stability and change and how everything seems to be going haywire.
Here are a few suggestions on what I might do in your situation if you are not already doing them
• Talk to your son about his uncles’ death- and where he (his uncle) might be now heaven if you believe in God - or if you don't believe in God another special place. Acknowledge the pain of death and that it's okay to feel sad and miss people when they have died.
• Let you son help you with some things with his little brother (if you don't already) like singing some of his favorite songs to his brother getting toys or clean nappies out. Things that he can do so he feels important and not just lacking your attention
• Don't concern yourself too much with his intelligence and how it may be limited for the time being. He is almost 4 and has years of schooling ahead. I know this is easy to say, but harder to do. Encourage activities he enjoys - does he like jigsaw puzzles? They are a great "mind experience" for your child that he can use his intelligence and create something too... Oh and reading books - there are some great CD books where YOU don't need to be reading - they get to turn the pages by themselves and they feel really special then
• Talk to him about being an older brother and what that means
• Talk to him how you are feeling, often we don't think our children can understand or we don't think we should bother them with "our" feelings let him know that his little brother and babies in general take a lot of time for mummies especially when they are little.
• If his behavior it not acceptable to you then give him "time out" goodness knows when I first introduced time out to my son I thought he would end up spending half the day in his room. Children generally will try all sorts of things on their parents to get reactions its how they learn.
Finally - take it easy of yourself - we are our own worst enemies at time - we expect that parenting should come easy or naturally - we are all learning.
Hang in there take each minute or hour or day as it comes, work out what and how you want your life with your children to be (this sometimes needs to be modified especially if you have really high standards. :rolleyes: ...) AND YOU WILL GET THERE