View Full Version : NO judgements please, just constructive advice needed.
moonblossom
04-03-2006, 12:44
Ok, what a pickle I've got myself in. Its regarding last names. If i were having a daughter, it wouldn't be so much of a problem because girls usually change their last names when they marry. BUT i'm having a son, now here is my problem.
I have 3 children from my first marraige, they all retained his last name, I have 4 from my second marraige, they all have his last name, Now I have this little surprise boy on the way, and have no idea what his last name should be :S
Ok see if you can keep up with this one LOL. My Ex partner, Alexanders Dad, changed his name by deed poll many many years ago. He would like Alexander to have his last name. My father would like Alexander to have our FAMILY name, because all his only son had daughters, and unlikely to pass on the family name.
BUT, my Ex's family name stops with Alexander, there will be no more son's to pass on that name. Alexander is their only chance.
CONFUSED YET LOL
Whatever name I decide to change his too, I will change mine as well. I cannot name him my married name, for that is not fair on my ex husband and Alexander's family. I am in a real pickle over this one and any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I have to decide soon, because whatever my last name is while i'm in hospital having him, his will be too, and I'm not very comfortable about this.
Oh boy, I'm going to have to think long and hard about this one I think.
I say give bubs your maiden name and revert back to it yourself :) Or else hyphenate your maiden name and ex's surname.
Blessed Mum
04-03-2006, 12:50
Wow moonblossom what a tricky one. Well her's my two cents worth - I personally would go with my family's surname. The only bit of advice I can offer is one of good friend's was in ur situation and she still put the baby under ex's surname and after the first six months he had moved on so to speak & really didn't want much to do with their son nor did his family. It was all pretty petty & she has regretted it to this day.
It is ur decision & you know ur ex the best so if he's gonna be round maybe it is good to go with his surname. But as I said I'm only saying what I would do and this is based on things I've seen.
Best of luck. :hugs:
ThomasMum
04-03-2006, 12:51
How about Alexander's father real surname, the one taken from his original birth certificate?
I say give bubs your maiden name and revert back to it yourself :) Or else hyphenate your maiden name and ex's surname.
I agree with these suggestions :)
Its sort of romantic, if you hyphenate the two names that would supposedly end with Alexander - he can carry on both names into the future :)
ThomasMum
04-03-2006, 13:08
I agree with these suggestions :)
Its sort of romantic, if you hyphenate the two names that would supposedly end with Alexander - he can carry on both names into the future :)
As long as it sounds nice together lol, because I was one of the victims of kids with complicated hypenate maiden's name lol, mine was something like "Williamson-Aschennbrenner" :eek:! Thank God I'm married now! :laughing:
Hmmm that is a tough one. It is so hard to change it, if you find it isn't right, virtually impossible.
If it was me, I would probably go with the hyphenated name. But if you aren't into a hyphenated name, I would be selfish and just use my maiden name.:o
moonblossom
04-03-2006, 13:11
Guys as usual your advice in brilliant. This should keep both sides of the family happy :)
Thomasmum, yeah it would be wonderful to continue his originial family name, BUT, he changed it because of personal reasons, and I think he would find it insulting.
Tara, using my maiden name would certainly please my father, as I said there is nobody else to pass on his family name.
Darkstar I think that is a brilliant idea, and probably the one I'm going to go with.
Nicole it might be the solution to my problem :)
Well once again what can I say, excellent advice given without judging me. thanks AND mwahhhhh TO YOU ALL.
The problem with hyphenating names is that, while it is a sweet gesture for the grandparents, the child then has to spend twice as long writing their names out in school. Especially so if your last names are long-ish ones. Just imagine the back of his football shirt ... "A. McKensie-Stevenson"
Personally, I would revert back to my maiden name and have the child take that name. You aren't married to the father and as such I think it's a bit much for him to expect you to change your name to his (I realise that he might not have asked you to do this, but that is effectively the case as you'd want to have the same last name as your new baby).
Just let everyone know that should Alexander wish to change his name when he is older, that will be up to him and you'll support it. For now, he is under your sole care and you want him to have a name that means something to *you*. You are allowed a little bit of selfishness now and then :)
moonblossom
04-03-2006, 13:16
Yes he has asked me to change my name to his, which is very nice on his behalf. BUT, I have to feel some sort of connection with it and at the moment, even though I know hes going to be a great dad to Alexander, I don't feel that connection at all.
Excellent advice Beanie. I knew this wasn't going to be easy, I just want to do the right thing. I've spoken to my other children about me changing my name, and they are all cool with it.
ThomasMum
04-03-2006, 13:19
Guys as usual your advice in brilliant. This should keep both sides of the family happy :)
Thomasmum, yeah it would be wonderful to continue his originial family name, BUT, he changed it because of personal reasons, and I think he would find it insulting.
Tara, using my maiden name would certainly please my father, as I said there is nobody else to pass on his family name.
Darkstar I think that is a brilliant idea, and probably the one I'm going to go with.
Nicole it might be the solution to my problem :)
Well once again what can I say, excellent advice given without judging me. thanks AND mwahhhhh TO YOU ALL.
Oic my apology, I didn't know that he changed his name by deed poll because of that. I've seen many people changed their name by deed poll mainly to suit their lifestyle (sounds better etc) if you know what I mean.
Good luck, I'm sure you will find the best solution to find the right name for Alexander! :thumbsup:
My opinion- stop stressing about the baby having to carry on a name. You will never win,either family will be annoyed that you choose the other and so on. I would rule that out of the equasion for a start.
If Alexander's dad and you were still together he would be xyz's surname and you would've taken on that surname? so 3 of you would've been xxx, 4 of you would've been yyy and 3 of you would've been zzz:sleeping: lol
BUT Alexander's dad and you are not together so you have 3 xxx, 4 yyy,1z(Alex if he took xyz's name) and 1a(you) so therefore I would take back your maiden name and give that to Alexander as well.
So you have 3 xxx, 4 yyyy and 2 zzz make sense LOL
i need a drink now:ecomcity:
Oh and do remember, regardless of the controversial things he may have said on that dating site (!), he will have ample opportunity to father another son to carry on his name.
moonblossom
04-03-2006, 13:27
ROFLMAO Jen, you explain it so well LOL. But I absolutely get your point, but you did make me laugh at the same time ;)
And true Beanie, he could father more children. I never really thought of that one either. mmmmm
MilkOnTap
04-03-2006, 13:28
Which surname sounds best with 'Alexander'? LOL
Personally, I HATED my surname growing up - am so glad I have a 'normal' surname now I'm married.
I just wanted to add, that whatever name you have in the hospital is NOT the name your baby has to have.
When i had Cooper I had not yet gotten around to having my medicare card changed, so I had to be admitted under my maiden name, whilst in the hospital, yes he had baby ******* (my maiden name rather than his actual surname) on his card, but this was simply to keep track of which baby is which, your baby will have whatever last name you put on his birth certificate.
I like the idea of both the names hyphenated :D
serenitynow
04-03-2006, 13:50
Hi Moonblossom,
You are obviously trying so hard to be considerate of both your Ex and his family and your own father's wishes, which speaks volumes for your integrity, but I think you also need to consider yourself.
As it going to be your name and Alexander's, my question is what are you going to be comfortable living with?
Your Ex's last name? Do you want his last name as yours?
I guess I would wonder what would happen in the future should your partner marry/new partner take his name? And if they had children?
(I'm not sure if this possible - re: your comment of "Alexander's their only chance")
But if he were able to, that would mean your ex and his new partner and any children they might have, and yourself and Alexander would all share the last name - which may be a little confusing, and a little straining on your own self identity (geez that sounds a little "Californian"!)
And they may even have a boy(hypothetically)
So sorry if this thought is a little ouch, Moonblossom, I certainly don't mean to cause pain, just throwing in some scenario's that may be worth considering.
A suggestion would be for you both to take your maiden name, but have the ex's as a middle name, or even a second middle name.
In my case, my last name is Zac's (second) middle name and he has my partners surname. I still feel a little funny about this, as I always thought he would have my last name, but my partner is the last in his line, so I relented. If we were to break up, I would swop them around, so Zac would share my last name. But that's just me.
I've burbled enough - do what feels right for you and Alexander.
Good luck!
I agree with these suggestions :)
Its sort of romantic, if you hyphenate the two names that would supposedly end with Alexander - he can carry on both names into the future :)
Good Idea!!! I LIKE IT!! :yelclap:
tyler's mum
04-03-2006, 14:10
i think alexander should have your last name,,, when he gets older if he wants his dads last name he can always change it when his old enuff,,,,
My 2c.
When i was mulling over the birth certificate forms in the hospital when I had Ciaran I was in quite a similar scenario.
1. Not knowing if his Dad and i would stay together and as we weren't married why should he have to have his fathers name (and forever through school I would have to correct teachers when they called me Mrs bone, not Miss Wright .... )
2. My Mum was dead set on him having my name (Wright) as he is first and foremost MY son .... don't comment I have already had it out many times with her .... she now relents ... OUR son.
3. I HATE conflict. His Dad wanted his name, My Mum wanted our name and MY Dad said "do what you think is right luv".
My decision ... I filled in the birth cert forms "Ciaran Nathan Bone" and got Nate to sign them .... then just as I was about to send the form off added "-Wright"
When the cert came back Nate and I had a brief argument and all was forgotten ... hence my children ALL carry the name "Bone-Wright"
I figured in the end, if we get married I take on his name and the kids drop the Wright, if not they keep the hyphen and then as they get old enough they choose if they want to drop the double barrel or adopt one or the other.
ButterflyKisses
04-03-2006, 14:38
My opinion- stop stressing about the baby having to carry on a name. You will never win,either family will be annoyed that you choose the other and so on. I would rule that out of the equasion for a start.
If Alexander's dad and you were still together he would be xyz's surname and you would've taken on that surname? so 3 of you would've been xxx, 4 of you would've been yyy and 3 of you would've been zzz:sleeping: lol
BUT Alexander's dad and you are not together so you have 3 xxx, 4 yyy,1z(Alex if he took xyz's name) and 1a(you) so therefore I would take back your maiden name and give that to Alexander as well.
So you have 3 xxx, 4 yyyy and 2 zzz make sense LOL
i need a drink now:ecomcity:my thoughts exactly.
Good luck with whatever decision you end up making.
Shazbutt
04-03-2006, 14:42
Originally Posted by Nicole79
I agree with these suggestions
Its sort of romantic, if you hyphenate the two names that would supposedly end with Alexander - he can carry on both names into the future
Yup, i like that idea best too, either that or your maiden name....
nemosmum
04-03-2006, 14:51
Im a qausi traditionalist LOL so to speak, I refused to change my name once I got married as I didnt feel it neccessary to change who I am iykwim:D
But when O came along there was no question he was always going to have his daddy's name to me thats the traditional thing to do so I did it happily:)
As a bonus O has my last name as his middle name coz I wanted him to carry my side of the family around too iykwim:D
Perhaps Alexander could have your maiden name as his middle name?
Or do what Ally suggested pick the name that best suits Alexander:thumbsup:
If you give him both names hyphenated he doesn't have to use them everyday - he or you can chose to just use one of them for school etc so that spelling isn't difficult.
our little treasures
04-03-2006, 17:13
Now I think MOONBLOSSOM is more confused. I think have his last name his dads. Who cares how many have the same last name, I know your dad wants your family name but what if you were having a girl?????:fingerscrossed: you figure it out soon!
I agree with these suggestions :)
Its sort of romantic, if you hyphenate the two names that would supposedly end with Alexander - he can carry on both names into the future :)
im into this too.:) this is what we actually did with my daughter's name. instead of Ayisha Sanchez or Ayisha del Rosario, we name her
Ayisha Sanchez del Rosario. now everybody's happy.:D
lukaelmo
04-03-2006, 17:32
Me too, me too :smiliedance: lol...
Oooo how fun, a conundrum :laughing: .
Little dude has a hyphenated surname; his dad's surname, followed by my maiden name (I have been married before). We decided to do this and when Luka gets older he can do as he pleases - both, one, or the other.
Of course because I did it this way - I think this is the way it's done :laughing: .
Good luck.
I would name him your maiden name, just becuase you can go back to it if you want to!
we are not married and our baby is taking my surname :D
My heads still spinning from Jen's answer :laughing: , but my advice is just go back to your maiden name and give Alexander that name.
**Sorry no big detailed explanation :laughing: ***
shanias_mum
04-03-2006, 18:12
Ok here is my story, when my mum had me she was not with my dad, some other fellow, so she put her name on my birth certificate - Jensen, then mum and dad got back together shortly after my birth and i carrried his last name - tomlinson - on everything, through school, license everything. I had a lot of prob though exspecially with centerlink and liscense and stuff like that cus my birth cert weas different from the name i used all my life - confused yet??? :D Any way i have a stat dec now, and i still use my dads surname.
That said when my daughter was born, i put her in my DF's last name, seemed like the right thing to do, it is his daughter too, and we are going to get married. so i figured why have to go through all the name change thing - any way i hated my last name growing up.
Well thats my 2 cents but you do whatever you feel best with. Good Luck :fingerscrossed:
I did not change my name when I married - nothing against my hubby's name - I just did not want to change my own. We have given my daughter her father's surname so I will have a different surname to my daughter. I don't think it will be an issue.
Go with whatever you feel comfortable with yourself for Alexander.
reAllytee
04-03-2006, 19:56
Oh the joys !
We had dramas also as we arent married & my partner having changed his last name via deed poll due to family issues. So we talked over whether bubs would be my name, his daddys name or family name & decided as i was happy he takes his daddys name but i also said i wasnt fighting with my MIL over this as i knew she wouldnt be happy as i was going to stand by Evan no matter what.
Oh the dramas that have ensued ! :rolleyes:
We have the lovely MIL STILL trying to poke her nose in !!!! :banghead:
Sorry but has she not noticed his birth certificate or what ???
Little late i think now, correct ?!?!?!?
She still actually sends us cards postcards or the likes addressed the "The M*****s Family" or even "Harrison M*****s" like WTF ???
Last time i looked at his birth certificate his last name started with a "S" !!!! LOL
Funniest thing was though when they visited last his Nan came along as well & she kept calling bubs "Harrison S****" much to MIL's horror hahahahah :laughing:
Sorry hun but your d@mned if you do d@amned if you dont !
But i do like the hyphenated name idea as long as they go ( this wasnt an option for us as ours dont mix ).
Good luck :hugs:
Ana Gram
05-03-2006, 02:03
I just wanted to add, that whatever name you have in the hospital is NOT the name your baby has to have.
When i had Cooper I had not yet gotten around to having my medicare card changed, so I had to be admitted under my maiden name, whilst in the hospital, yes he had baby ******* (my maiden name rather than his actual surname) on his card, but this was simply to keep track of which baby is which, your baby will have whatever last name you put on his birth certificate.
I like the idea of both the names hyphenated :D
Yep, I had this too. DD had my surname in the hospital and when the birth certificate was done she had her father's surname. It was a bit of a hassle after getting the medicare card with a follow up at the childrens hospital as the name on her birth file was different which meant she had a different patient number, which then meant a wait for two hours for a hospital appointment. :thumbsdown:
Hey bloss, not sure if this has been suggested...
I was thinking of giving Nugget my maiden name as a middle name. That would make her Eva Bailey Mensforth. Which works as Bailey's a pretty cool name ;)
Not sure if I WILL do this but it's something I've considered.
Moonblossom,
Since you are no longer with Alexander's father, i think that you should use your maiden name for you and Alexander. Just my opinion. All the best in making that very hard decision!
:hugs:
poshBecks
13-03-2006, 15:28
hey MB!! I reckongo with your maiden name!! :thumbsup: goodluck with it all!
I did not change my name when I married - nothing against my hubby's name - I just did not want to change my own. We have given my daughter her father's surname so I will have a different surname to my daughter. I don't think it will be an issue.
Go with whatever you feel comfortable with yourself for Alexander.
Maria, that was exactly what I was going to say!!
My DD only had my surname for the time I was in hospital for ther birth, but her medicare card, birth certificate etc have her father's surname.
MB Its your baby and you decide what name you want him to have!!
I agree with the maiden name idea also.
Just for your interest, I loathe my surname and I always thought I would be a single mother for some reason (I don't know why!), so I always said that I would never give my baby my loathed surname but I would make up a whole new name for both of us and change my name by deed poll before the baby was born and give the baby that name also.
Turns out that I LOVE my partners surname and I am more than happy to give that name to our baby. - Not that I haven't teased DP by saying that bubby has to have my name by law...just to nick him in the head, for fun :D
Its a matter of which name you prefer and which sounds nicer. Don't worry about the logistics of it all, just go with the one you like.
I told DP that since he got to choose the surname that means I get to choose the first name :laughing:
When I see it written down I realise how awful I am!!
Oh well. :ecomcity:
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