I think he is lying and trying to hide it!!!

[miss b]

Like babyniamh a couple of threads down my partner also smpkes pot. Now we have 2 beautiful little girl and I have asked him to quit. He says he has but his sister told me tonight that he hasn't, that he was smoking in Sunday:(
A bit of back story for you. On friday night we had a big talk about it because I suspected he had started to smoke again. I don't mind if he smokes socially (he never smokes around our girls, nor is it kept in the house. He does it in his shed which is locked most of the time.) I do have a problem with him smocking by himself..he had a problem. A couple of weeks ago I also hid his stash(which I havn't given back and his cone piece which I retuned due to social cirrcumstances)
So I went snooping, thing is he has soo much **** out there you don't know where to start. I didn't find a thing. He has a machine that mulls up for him and i couldn't find it anywhere all I found was an empty container that used to have it in it. I don't know what to do his dealer is his brother so everytime we see him I'm on edge. He tells me he has stopped as he doesn't want to loose me and I know this is the reasons for the lies! What do I do????

[miss b]

UPDATE earlier I caught him in the act of having one, and he STILL lied to me about it! I don't know how to handle it. I've tried speaking to him I've tried not speaking to him where do I go from here???

[the_queen]

It's a difficult situation - but you can't do anything. If he wants to stop, he'll stop. If he doesn't want to, he won't. Trust me - drug addicts are extremely creative and he will have other stash spots and other lies.

If it is a real problem for you (and it sounds like it is, fair enough too) and you've asked him to stop but he won't - then the only thing to do is to leave, and tell him that you'll come back when he's totally clean. And being "clean" doesn't mean just not smoking. It means removing himself from people, places and things that will trigger cravings. So he'll need to clean out his shed and make it all different inside so it doesn't remind him of having cones. He'll have to not see his brother except if you're there. He'll have to stop seeing all of his friends who are also smokers.

If you say to him that it's ok for him to smoke socially, but you also say that you know he's got a problem (which he does, you're right - when he's smoking it alone, it means it's beyond a social thing) then you are enabling his addiction. If he's got a problem, then the only way to cure it is to not smoke at all. And you have to prepare yourself for the possibility that he might not want to stop. Don't be wishy-washy about it - you have to make your mind up what it is you want, and then carry through with any ultimatum you give him.

:hugs: :hugs:

[miss b]

the Queen thank you for your reply and althought he thought has crossed my mind I don't want to leave him. He is a wonderful friend and a fabulous father. I also thought of bringing up counceling but I know he won't go.:no:

[the_queen]

Well, really, there isn't much you can do then :hugs: If he won't do as you ask him, and he won't go to counselling, and you won't leave, then I guess you can vent about it but nothing will change :hugs: :hugs:

[miss b]

I think my real anger comes from the fact that he is lying to me not that he is smoking. I HATE being lied to:hair::geek:

[the_queen]

But, you recognise he has a problem with the pot - and lying is a big indicator of a drug problem. It means that he knows you don't like him doing it, and if he lies about it to other people it means that he knows that his use is excessive and abnormal.

He won't stop lying, that's just what addicts do.

[0BleSseD0]

He won't stop lying, that's just what addicts do.
:iagree: They just cant stop.

I'm not sure what you are asking for.

My partner had a problem with (dont laugh) nicotine gum.
He would hide it everywhere, steal it and lie to me.
Lying to me is a BIG no-no. I dont think I can ever forgive him for it.

Last time I found them he was hiding them in regular chewy packets. My DS got to them, and started shoving them in his gob.

I made him spit them out, and there were no adverse affects (thank god) but that was just a shocker for me.

My poor DS. It couldve really damaged his little body if he had actually managed to chew or swallow any.

You seem to have a problem with your DH smoking pot, so tell him exactly what your issue is. Make it clear.

Otherwise, as you dont want to leave him and he wont go to counselling, I have nothing else.

:hugs: I really hope it improves.

[0BleSseD0]

I think my real anger comes from the fact that he is lying to me not that he is smoking. I HATE being lied to:hair::geek:

If that really is the main issue, provide him with time and space to smoke it, and he wont hide it from you.

[panthera]

Hi there Miss B, I can really relate to your situation and I completely understand where you are coming from.:hugs:

My partner has smoked pot for 16 years, he started when he was 14 and he is now 30 years old.

He hasn't hidden his pot smoking from me but he is an addict and yes he did lie to me on a frequent basis, mainly when he was out to go get it and didn't have the decency to tell me where he was going or that he was going to score.:shame:

You WILL NEVER get him to give it up, I tried the ultimatum path, nagging, councelling and even getting him to go to DETOX/REHAB and it didn't work for us.:no:

His stint in Detox only lasted 2 days because they were dosing him up with valium, there were no other pot addicts he could relate to in there just alcoholics and heroin junkies (JOSLIN detox, Adelaide, SA) and lets just say the councelling in there was below par and I wasn't allowed to contact or come see him for the first month or 2 if he stayed in there. Plus the longest you are allowed to stay in detox if there is no placements in REHAB is 3 weeks then your left to deal yourself. If you are lucky to get a placement in REHAB then you can stay up to 3 months and then you are transferred to either your family to deal with or a halfway house if there is no family/accomodation support. Grrr at the system!!!!

The time will come when he will grow sick of it and he will decide to give it up himself. For my partner it has taken 8 years and a seachange (moved to a new location, away from the bad elements in Adelaide he hung around to a rural area)

He has been clean for 2 weeks now and I can see a normal nice even tempered person slowly showing through, he still craves it, sweats and smells like it (yuk, i know), dreams about it and likes to sleep when things get a little too stressful which I find frustrating but I have to understand he might be feeling a little more than frustrated and let him be to rest (HARD!)

Even if he doesn't completely give up I won't hold it against him as long as he keeps it out of the house and doesn't lie to me or not tell me when he is going somewhere to score or not.

Another thing is you can't get HYDRO (chemical laced/infused marajuana) where we are, you can only get what old hippies would class/call BUSHWEED which is relatively harmless if not abused. So the chemicals from the HYDRO are being slowly coming out of his body, which can take up to 4-6 months to completely rid his body of any traces of it, so fingers (and toes) crossed he gives it up for good......he has done so well so far, I would be a tad dissapointed if he went back to it. But I can also understand where he is coming from because I had addiction issues in my teenage years with marajuana, I am a reformed addict, lets just say it is a hard road to go on, because when your a real addict you don't give a **** about no-one but yourself and what your doing, you kind of need to be trained how to care again and stuff, hard to explain.....


Also do put your 2 bob in about who he hangs with just don't put them down or he might get defensive about it. I just put my 2 bob in a while ago and well he didn't listen and lets just say learnt the hard way, but at least the experience made an impact and he no longer hangs around them.:yelclap: Make him aware when he is in that stressing, searching stage of what could possibly happen

If all is really a bad pot addict (I'm sure you know the type) and lets just say he is a type that beats you when he doesn't have it, spends ALL his money on it, is bossy and treats you and your child like dirt (yes there are BAD ones out there)....give him the flick, life is too short to put up with a$$holes:mad:


sorry about the novel, just giving you and others a little insight...:flowerz:

[BabelFish]

This can be really difficult - my ex-husband was a big smoker and the more upset about it I got the more he just hid it from me.

My advice to you would be to start from scratch. Tell him you don't want him to lie anymore so you won't give him a hard time if he's smoking and it would be better for you to know the truth rather than constantly suspecting him.

Ask him what he thinks his capabilities are in terms of stopping and what his reasons for stopping would be if he did. Sometimes getting THEM to outline the reasons for and against rather than you telling them what the reasons are can open their eyes a little bit.

Lastly, ask him how serious he is about stopping and what he is prepared to do to try to stop. If counselling is a no, then ask him if he would be prepared to undergo anonymous telephone advice, and so on.

Lastly, and this is the most important thing, you need to know where YOUR line is. After all - it's you that this is affecting the most. Ask yourself what you're prepared to put up with to stay, or what would make you leave. Ask yourself if it's the smoking or the hiding and lying that bothers you? Or both? Ask yourself if it's as big a problem as you think it is. Ask yourself what you are prepared to do to remove yourself and your child from this situation.

If you're not prepared to leave him over it, then it sounds as though you both need to come to a workable solution and compromise. If you are prepared to leave him over it then you'd better up and leave. But threatening to leave and then not leaving is an empty threat, and one which will have no effect on him whatsoever - because nobody believes anybody who cries wolf.

Really it's up to both of you to come up with a solution that you can both live with, and that will involve a lot of discussion and some compromise on both sides.