ikis84
17-11-2007, 10:09
I was just looking through some old files on my computer, and came across this. It's something that a wrote a couple of years after my father died. My father died without much warning when I was 15. He had raised my sisters and I as a single dad for the most part. He wasn't a great father, but he did try his best.
It's been hard not having him here for the important milestones of my life - like my graduation, my marriage, becoming a mother. Anyway... here are some of my thoughts.
~~~~~
Even though this world and its vast lands and busy people will not blink at your departure, you have left an indelible impression in my heart that will stay forever, even though you are gone.
As a little girl I depended on you for everything – for food, clothing, shelter, love, and protection. Everything that little boys and girls need – you were my everything. As I grew older, and as each new tribulation came into our lives, I realised that you did not have the capacity to be my everything. You could not protect me from the horrors and pain in this world. You could not always give me shelter – but you always loved me as best as you knew how. You could not guide me towards the love and comfort of God, for you where as lost as I. You could not fit into the images that fathers portray of strength, stability and dependability… after all, you where only human.
For most of my childhood I can remember longing for that strong, loving father. I always looked to you for that, and always found disappointment.
I always remained hopeful that you would some day be that father to me – I think I got that optimism from you. It was that clutching at hope that kept me silent on that last, dreadful night.
As you lay there on that hospital bed, with the last threads of life draining from your body, I could not say goodbye. It was as if my goodbye would be consenting to your death. And that would be killing the hope of you being the father that I always wanted.
All that time that I longed to have a strong, loving father, I didn’t realise that I already had one. The fact that you could not be the father that I always wanted is no surprise to me now. You could not be God, my Heavenly Father. I have found that my Heavenly Father far surpasses the father I had hoped for. His love for his children is perfect and pure – so much so that he would create a plan for mankind to bring them back to Him – so much that he would come to earth as a man, and be subjected to the sin and suffering in the earth.
The Father loves his children so much so that he died and suffered as a payment for their sins, so they could come back to Him.
No man could possibly come close to the love that God has for His children. I no longer feel regret that you could not be the father that I always wanted – however I feel sad that you do not share the relationship that I have with God and the forgiveness that God has given me. Now I can say goodbye to you, and let go of the dreams I had, and hold on to the reality of the love of God.
Goodbye, Dad.
It's been hard not having him here for the important milestones of my life - like my graduation, my marriage, becoming a mother. Anyway... here are some of my thoughts.
~~~~~
Even though this world and its vast lands and busy people will not blink at your departure, you have left an indelible impression in my heart that will stay forever, even though you are gone.
As a little girl I depended on you for everything – for food, clothing, shelter, love, and protection. Everything that little boys and girls need – you were my everything. As I grew older, and as each new tribulation came into our lives, I realised that you did not have the capacity to be my everything. You could not protect me from the horrors and pain in this world. You could not always give me shelter – but you always loved me as best as you knew how. You could not guide me towards the love and comfort of God, for you where as lost as I. You could not fit into the images that fathers portray of strength, stability and dependability… after all, you where only human.
For most of my childhood I can remember longing for that strong, loving father. I always looked to you for that, and always found disappointment.
I always remained hopeful that you would some day be that father to me – I think I got that optimism from you. It was that clutching at hope that kept me silent on that last, dreadful night.
As you lay there on that hospital bed, with the last threads of life draining from your body, I could not say goodbye. It was as if my goodbye would be consenting to your death. And that would be killing the hope of you being the father that I always wanted.
All that time that I longed to have a strong, loving father, I didn’t realise that I already had one. The fact that you could not be the father that I always wanted is no surprise to me now. You could not be God, my Heavenly Father. I have found that my Heavenly Father far surpasses the father I had hoped for. His love for his children is perfect and pure – so much so that he would create a plan for mankind to bring them back to Him – so much that he would come to earth as a man, and be subjected to the sin and suffering in the earth.
The Father loves his children so much so that he died and suffered as a payment for their sins, so they could come back to Him.
No man could possibly come close to the love that God has for His children. I no longer feel regret that you could not be the father that I always wanted – however I feel sad that you do not share the relationship that I have with God and the forgiveness that God has given me. Now I can say goodbye to you, and let go of the dreams I had, and hold on to the reality of the love of God.
Goodbye, Dad.