i need sum advice! please!

[Charlie Angel]

hi everyone... i'm new to this site & hope some of you can help me with a bit of advice.i'm 31y.o and am just over 34wks pregnant. i am really excited about becoming a mum,especially after being told that i probably wouldnt be able to conceive when i was in my early 20's.
I feel quiet silly in even writing this as i dont want to bring this up with the doctor incase she thinks i'm weird,but i am absolutely petrified of going into labour and the thought of pain that i dont have any control over scares me so much that i break out in a cold sweat and get the shakes just thinking about it. My problem is that i cant stand the thought of pain anywhere near my stomach & vaginal area as i was sexually abused at a young age & then again when i was in my early 20's &i just cant stand the thought of having to go thru pain in that area again. I've seen counsellors/therapists regarding this and thought i had it all under control...... until i found out i was pregnant. Now as each day gets closer,i feel like i'm losing the plot as all i think about is how much this going to hurt and will i be able to get thru it..... when all i really should be thinking about is how lucky i am to be able to get pregnant in the first place. Does anyone have any advice for me?

[willsmum]

Have you discussed this with your ob? And if you are going public, then with the midwife you are seeing? You wouldn't be the first one they have seen with this problem and they should know how to help you. Don't be embarassed to speak up - you are not to blame for what happened to you or for your subsequent concerns and unless you ask your medical people to help you through the birth, they are not mind readers and you will suffer unnecessarily.

Good luck.

[draught]

I agree with willsmum (she is very wise) that you should speak to your doctor - they have definitely, unfortunately, dealt with this issue before. It is probably a good time to make contact with some counsellors again - perhaps reconnect with your local sexual assault support service? Again - they are the people to give you the best advice on how to deal with what is, quite understandably, going on in your head.

The other thing to do is to be aware of the pain management options, so that when you find yourself in labour and start experiencing pain, you know what to ask for to minimise the pain. One suggestion is to be ready to ask for an epidural as soon as you start to feel that you aren't coping - there are no awards for doing it without drugs - the awards come for producing a beautiful baby. Just be aware that even with an epidural you may still feel some pain - I don't want you in shock in there because you are not completely numb! The other thing is to make sure that your support person/people for the birth are people who will help you through not just what is happening to your body, but also in your head. They could maybe work with your counsellors and you to work out some strategies to have you focus on the outcome, not the process (if you know what I mean!)

Good luck with it all - and don't feel silly asking questions. How do we know anything if we don't ask?

[Charlie Angel]

thanks for taking the time to reply..... i plan on seeing my midwife this week, so i will try to have a chat to her about it all then....i'm really frustrated with myself at the moment for even letting all of these horrible past memories come back as i should be focusing on my baby..... i feel quiet bad & guilty for it....... i find it hard to talk to my partner about this subject as he gets quiet angry about the whole thing(not with me,he just cant really handle it very well) and none of my family really know about it(they are the sorts of people that definately would not cope at all with knowing something like this, and they all live in victoria anyway)...
I did however see a good counsellor who helped me get over most of it so i reckon i will contact her again..... Thanks also about being honest with the epidural! Your probably about the 2nd person who has been honest with how having one feels... Everyone says just ask for one straight away and you wont feel a thing.....Yeah right! I may look stupid but i've always thought that you would have to feel something :-)
thanks alot for your advice, its been greatly appreciated! :p

[alicesmum]

hi there
i totally agree with what the other mums have said. i too was sexually assaulted in my younger days (only on one occasion though, so this may make it easier to deal with). it didn't leave me with problems that you've described (i.e. a fear of pain in the abdominal region) but i guess it couldn't have left me completely hang-up-free re my sexuality. Anyways, i just wanted to say that the pain of childbirth is something quite different (do you suffer period pain?? just multiply that by a very large number!). it's impossible to describe the mental space you find yourself in during labour, but it's really unlike anything you have ever experienced. it certainly didn't evoke any painful memories of sexual assault for me, but I am probably in a very different situation to you (??). it may make you feel somewhat vulnerable tho (but i think it does for all women) and you may want to ask about how you can preserve a little more modesty than usual (if you think you will feel uncomfortable with your partner, a midwife and a doctor/second midwife) looking between your legs!! though most women have said (see other threads on childbirth) that by the time you're in that much pain and exhaustion, you really let go of all your attachments to modesty and what other people might think, and you just don't care anymore!

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I sympathise with your situation. Also wanted to say that of course you are not completely focused on your unborn baby. So don't feel bad about that. I wasn't either (it's pretty hard when they are still in there....don't worry, once s/he is out you will have no choice but to be almost 100% focussed on them!!). Also, just remember that us chicks are much tougher and stronger than we think we are and you will feel such a sense of achievement when your bub is on the other side!!

Keep us posted! All the best :p :p

[camstar]

Hi,
I understand your fear, once you've been to hell there isn't anything in this world that would make you want to expeirence anything even remotely similar again. I would recomend you do try and focus on and view the pain as a positive pain. It's in the same area but this time the pain is conected to love, this time it will enrich your life rather then destroy it. It will be ok cause this is what your body is for and once you achieve control over your mind in this, it will help you take back the power over your body that was taken from you! Good luck for you and your small babe, remember too, that you will share this birth with your baby and togther you'll make it through!

[Manxie]

:) Hi

I would definately recommend that you discuss this with your midwife/doctor. They will do the best they can to ensure that you retain control over the whole experience.

As a student I was present when a woman who had been sexually abused gave birth and it was documented in her notes (completely confidentially) to ensure that any internal examinations were only performed if absolutely necessary.

Hope this helps - good luck

[kerrie]

Hi,
Have you heard of hypnobirthing?
Worth while looking into if anyone offers those classes near you (if your into it).....its a set of hypnotherapy type classes that you and your partner can go to together to work on issues around fear about labour/ learn tools to use while your in labour to help you cope.
Also I've been with lots of women in labour who have been sexually abused and it has brought up a lot of "stuff" for them. Anecdotally the women who have the hardest time are those who havent work on/ have suppressed their abuse for years and birthing has opened the wounds again.
I've also been with women who have been abused who have found birthing their babies a healing experience.
Thoughts of love and support to you :)
Kerrie

[Lallas' Mum]

Hi,

I must agree with a few other comments made earlierl. Firstly I think it is essential that your midwife/doctor is aware of your situation fully. Medical proffessionals have been trained to deal with situations such as yours. (It is terrible that they need to be though). They will be able to discuss birthing options for you. They will be able to let you know areas of the birthing process that may cause problems for you and let you know ways that you can overcome them.

I found my first birthing experience very much unrelated to my sexuality. The pain was a lot like period cramps to begin with and just kept intensifying from there. By the time the pain started to overcome me most of my inhibitions about people seeing naked etc disappeared and I just didn't care who saw me in all sorts of vunerable situations. I used gas which helped me regulate my breathing and helped me focus on the task at hand. It was almost like an out-of-body experience. You're there but not really there - if that makes any sort of sense. I had some "not so great experiences" as a teenager and though at times I can be haunted by them, the pain that I experienced during childbirth never took me back to those moments in time. The feelings both physical and emotional were completely different.

I have heard that in cases of pregnant women who have been sexually abused that a c-section may be considered if it is deemed that the emotional distress would be detrimental to the mother well being. I believe (as much as I am pro-vaginal/"natural" birth) that it may be worth considering a c-section if you can't get past the fears. The birthing experience is either going to help heal your pains or it could very well unravel you completely. I really think you need to be honest and open with your midwife about your feelings and don't hold back. The medical pros looking after you will help you decide if you think can beat these demons from your past and make it through labour or not. It is pretty emotionally tough being a new mum let alone having extra worries on your mind.

Good luck to you. I think you are already on the right track to healing by confiding in us.

Tracey

[wattle]

Hi. I used hypnobirthing, and would recommend it for you. Although I haven't had any abuse I still had fear - until I did the hypnobirthing. It totally changed my thinking.

My birth didn't go totally as planned (I was induced), I was able to cope with everything a million times better because I was relaxed and focussed.

Maybe try and focus on the fact that a good birth is a wonderful gift that you can give your child, let him/her come into the world with love, not fear.

goodluck.

[rainbow]

Do you realise that you are doing a wonderful job? Not only were you brave enough to submit this post and face your feelings to find help... but you are bringing new life into this world (a major accomplishment in itself) and being very responsible about it. I say, Congratulations. Remember when you are feeling badly, that pregnancy is a very emotional time and as much as you may have good reason for being upset, don't forget that a lot of it could actually be your hormones talking! I am not saying this to try to take away from your situation but simply to suggest that you are going through an intense emotional phase and it could be worth recognising this. Don't feel bad! Of course it's a great idea to speak to the professionals who are qualified to help you. Even moreso I would suggest that it would be worth praying to the one who created you and can help you the most! As for the pain... one reflection I have is that the pain you experienced before was pointless pain that did not bear any fruit. It was negative, destructive pain. The pain you are looking forward to is pain with a purpose and a beautful, worthwhile result. The difference is phenomenal. All the best! xxx

[Charlie Angel]

Thank you sooo much for your kind words & advice...... I know i'm being silly but......
I think i have too much time on my hands these days, sitting around & thinking silly things.. & your right, its probably the hormones! :)
Thanks very much for your reply! Take care ;)

[mumof2girls]

It must have been really hard for you to talk about this subject with us and I'm glad you have the courage to do so!

I agree with the others where you need to let the midwife (or whoever is going to be looking after you) know exactly what is going on especially in your head, you are really suffering and although you are dealing with the problems I think you have a little more way to go with it. The proffessionals are equipped to deal with these kind of issues and they can only deal with them if they know about them.


Don't feel silly for feeling afraid, most people are when they are nearing the birthing experience I know I was but when you look at the little bundle of joy in your arms you will know it was all worth it. Maybe you should look at having a c-section as an alternative.

I think you said your husband doesn't like to talk about it as it upsets him but maybe it would be good if you both had counselling to help you both through it, it may not be easy for him watching you go through childbirth knowing your history and how uncomfortable you are with it at the moment. (just an idea!)

My thought and prayers are with you and your family at this trying time, good luck with the birth :)

[Charlie Angel]

thank u for your comforting words & advice. i shall try and have a chat to my midwife and or doctor.... take care