View Full Version : Why???
I am probably going to get infracted for this, or atleast make a lot of enemies but I am going to say it anyway.
I have noticed for a while now that quite often people who have no idea of what it is like to be a single parent, what money we live on (or barely live on), what laws we are bound by (yes another thread i was reading) etc, come into the single parent threads after many of us have answered the OP not only with facts but with our own similar stories and experiences, and just say, oh you need to do this, or you need to get legal advice, not listen to other people on bubhub etc etc.
I would really like to know why people feel the need to do this when we are the ones who know what things are like through actual experience. There is no need to dismiss us or our lives, we are the ones living them.
Well I would assume that you are talking about me.
I am married.
I am not a single parent
I come in and give advice every now and then.
Now to why I do it.
I had my first child at the age of 18.
I was a single parent with no help from ANYBODY for 8 long lonely and very hard years.
I have been through a difficult custody battle and represented myself for a year during what was called "a complicated case"
I guess you could say I feel like I have been there, done that and bought the t shirt. I relate to a lot of what you are going through and I remeber too well what it felt like to be on my own.
sam's mum
02-11-2007, 10:48
I have occasionally posted in the single parent threads. Looking at my signature - I am not a single parent....now.
I was a single parent for three years though.
If I have something to offer based on my experience in this time I will still post, but I will usually give an explanation that I was a single parent.
I would hope that people are only posting if they genuinely believe that they have something valid to say.
Well I would assume that you are talking about me.
I am married.
I am not a single parent
I come in and give advice every now and then.
Now to why I do it.
I had my first child at the age of 18.
I was a single parent with no help from ANYBODY for 8 long lonely and very hard years.
I have been through a difficult custody battle and represented myself for a year during what was called "a complicated case"
I guess you could say I feel like I have been there, done that and bought the t shirt. I relate to a lot of what you are going through and I remeber too well what it felt like to be on my own.
Actually spoon not you. Im talking more about people who have NEVER been a single parent at all, not people who have been but then married etc.
missie_mack
02-11-2007, 10:56
Just because somebody themselves isnt a single parent doesn't mean they dont understand the laws associate with being a single parent, the money received etc I'm sure a lot of people come in to support other mothers or to offer information they have that may assist someone.
I think it is a valid point to remind others to seek legal advice on a subject incase someone is giving them not 100% correct information. The OP could take the responses as gospel and find themselves in trouble later on.
Listen hon, I think you are doing an awesome job. Everbody gets idiots telling them how to run their lives regardless of whether they are single , married, rich, poor whatever.
It is REAL easy for me to tell you how to run your life than for me to run my own.
:hugs:
My motivation is to let you know that life can suck so bad but in a few years time, you could hardly even know yourself.
Keep you chin up. You are awesome.
It is a lot easier being married with 5 kids than it was being single with one. I think it is the emotional support that is missing, or it was for me.
Anytime you want to talk I am here.
That brings me to another point actually. WE ARE NOT DUMB. We KNOW that we still need to seek legal advice but we still come onto bubhub to ask the other girls who have been through the same stuff with their exes as to how it went, what sort of things we need to know and be aware of etc. It helps to alleviate some of the stress, knowing what rulings have happened in the past whilst we are waiting for the LEGAL advice to come through.
Thanks spoon:hugs: . It is offers of support from someone who has been there, done that, well thats the reason so many of us single parents join up to the site to start with, so we have some support throughout our journeys.
With the family law courts... I once gave advice to a fellow bub hubber who was furious with her ex and it was showing in her post.
I told her to try to remove herself from the emotion of what was going on and read up on the family law act. This advice was based upon my battle to regain custody of my darling boy.
I was TORN TO SHREDS.:thumbsdown:
If people are currently involved in difficult situations with their ex's, it is a bit hard to come from a peaceful mindset. I think that may be why some people say dont listen to everybody on bubhub.
The reason I said what I said was that was the only reason I ended up winning. I blitz the whole case. His father did not get a look in becasue he was trying to defame me and say I was an unfit mother, and my approach was that I knew his father was important.
As parents we want the best for our children, we know our children and what is good for them, what isnt. We know that in the majority of cases, it is extremely important that our children grow up with a close relationship to their fathers, we dont want to stop that. But we also dont want our children being exposed to not so nice people involved in illegal activities etc, that we know are going to disrupt our childrens development, and possibly even leave them with scars if it is at that bad a level. There is no way as good parents that we would ever want to subject our children to people of bad influence, regardless of whether it is a family member or not though. As parents we want to protect them from that.
And congratulations on winning the case and rising above your ex's nasty cr@p.
westerner
02-11-2007, 11:25
WE ARE NOT DUMB.
You definatly are not.. :hugs:
We KNOW that we still need to seek legal advice but we still come onto bubhub to ask the other girls who have been through the same stuff with their exes as to how it went, what sort of things we need to know and be aware of etc. It helps to alleviate some of the stress, knowing what rulings have happened in the past whilst we are waiting for the LEGAL advice to come through.
Exactly.. I guess you could compare it to people coming on bubhub describing there ovulation and sexual activities and asking the question 'am i pregnant'..
They KNOW they have to either do a test or see a doctor to find out but they still ask on bubhub to gain peoples opinions and support..
Just like you may be when posting in the single parents thread..
No real difference and i think you should be supported just as much..:thumbsup:
No other advice hear cos im not a single parent but lotsa hugs D :hugs: :hugs:
I doubt anybody could possibly know the feelings involved in each individual life.
My life has taught me some amazing things.
My boy is a wonderful kid now he really is. Kind, gentle funny, smart, I am VERY proud of him. He is my special boy.
Basics of my life...
young when had my child, raised child on my own for 8 years, worked very hard to try to get us secure, lost job, lost myself for a while, got very sick, went to a mental hospital, lost my son, was under control of my ex becasue he had my son, I tried to move away with my son, my ex started proceddings and stopped me from moving our son away, I had a 2 year court case, I met my husband in the midst of all this. He was the only one that stood by me, and because of him I know have all my happiness.
every dark cloud had its lining. Every single one.
You will see that one day.
SimplyMum
02-11-2007, 11:49
This one doesn't me so much. But what really gets up my goat is when people say that although they're married, partnered, whatever- they're partner works away from home so much or doesn't do anything so they 'feel' like a single parent! I don't think so, 1. Your still in a partnership- financially, emotionally, mentally. It's the physical that's not there but everything else is. So, really these people are sexually frustrated not single! And 2. how do they know what it 'feels' like to be a single parent? There not one and I'm sure anyone that has been one would agree that it is NOT the same!
Just like having kids 1 year apart in age is NOT the same as having twins, being physically alone is NOT the same as being single!
I am not a single parent and I offer advice in the single parents section because I used to be a single mum. I dont think its necessary to put that in my signature. I think if anyone asks for advice on Bubhub thats what they get from alot of different points of view. I did a great job being a single parent but I didnt know everything it was a huge learning experience for me.
I also sometimes read other peoples advice and think it is wrong but if you open yourself or your situation up to be judged by other people by putting personal information on this site I dont think you can really complain.
This one doesn't me so much. But what really gets up my goat is when people say that although they're married, partnered, whatever- they're partner works away from home so much or doesn't do anything so they 'feel' like a single parent! I don't think so, 1. Your still in a partnership- financially, emotionally, mentally. It's the physical that's not there but everything else is. So, really these people are sexually frustrated not single! And 2. how do they know what it 'feels' like to be a single parent? There not one and I'm sure anyone that has been one would agree that it is NOT the same!
Just like having kids 1 year apart in age is NOT the same as having twins, being physically alone is NOT the same as being single!
No Lee it is not the same. But it is similar.
Just like it is similar work having two babies one year apart to having two babies 4 minutes apart.
Do you have a problem with single parents who get along with their ex? or do they have to be furious before you accept the similarities in your positions?
People from all walks of life can help you.
SimplyMum
02-11-2007, 12:09
No Lee it is not the same. But it is similar.
Just like it is similar work having two babies one year apart to having two babies 4 minutes apart.
Do you have a problem with single parents who get along with their ex? or do they have to be furious before you accept the similarities in your positions?
People from all walks of life can help you.
Spoon- I appreciate your opinion but I tend to disagree. I don't think having 2 kids a year apart would be the same as having multiples, there at different developmental stages and thus makes it a little easier/harder at times but not the same. They're not learning to crawl at the same time (given that there's no developmental problems), there not learning to walk at the same time, they're not going through terrible 2's at the same time, and there not learning to use a spoon at the same time. I just don't think it's the same.
Same goes for single parents. I'm not saying that having a partner not helping or being away is easier or harder just not the same as being single.
I actually don't have any contact with my ex, for personal reasons it was a risk to have him around myself or DS.
Getting along or not getting along doesn't come into it. It's the doing it alone or with a partner that's the issue.
If I had a partner that was away all the time or not a great helper than sure it'd be hard. But I wouldn't be living the 'single' parent life. Being in a relationship is being a part of a partnership so matter what happens you are both liable for the consequences and decisions made. So for example, if you decided to buy a house- both are liable for the repayments and day to day needs where as a single person the repayments and meeting day to day needs soley rest on the one person.
Or another example is when someone goes into business- there is a very distinct line between sole trader and partnership. Just because your partner is away on business trips doesn't mean your a sole trader.
Am I making sense? I tell you I am not a very good communicator when it comes to getting my point across.
And sure they can help, I'm all for opinions and advice but just not the 'claiming to be a single parent' when they're not. I don't claim to be something I'm not.
missie_mack
02-11-2007, 12:10
That brings me to another point actually. WE ARE NOT DUMB. We KNOW that we still need to seek legal advice but we still come onto bubhub to ask the other girls who have been through the same stuff with their exes as to how it went, what sort of things we need to know and be aware of etc. It helps to alleviate some of the stress, knowing what rulings have happened in the past whilst we are waiting for the LEGAL advice to come through.
I dont think anyone is implying that you are all dumb :confused: But not all parents will get the legal advice or know where to get it....
I go to court every year over my childsupport case. I have paid a lot of money over the last couple of years to get good legal advice and know quite a few ins and outs that arent advertised, which I have paid a great deal for. I would hope sharing this information will help a parent out so that they or their children miss out on their entitlements. I would think a lot of other BH's also give their advice with good intentions and in efforts to be supportive.
Like I said before you dont have to be a single mother yourself to be able to advise on some posts in the single parents thread.
sam's mum
02-11-2007, 12:13
This one doesn't me so much. But what really gets up my goat is when people say that although they're married, partnered, whatever- they're partner works away from home so much or doesn't do anything so they 'feel' like a single parent! I don't think so, 1. Your still in a partnership- financially, emotionally, mentally. It's the physical that's not there but everything else is. So, really these people are sexually frustrated not single! And 2. how do they know what it 'feels' like to be a single parent? There not one and I'm sure anyone that has been one would agree that it is NOT the same!
Just like having kids 1 year apart in age is NOT the same as having twins, being physically alone is NOT the same as being single!
I actually found it easier to be a single parent than I did when I was married with my husband working away. I didn't have emotional support - he was away and couldn't be contacted except by sat phone. not the best way to try and have any type of private conversation. When he came home it was to a family that he didn't fit into, by the time he was fitting in, he was leaving again. I may have had access to his finances, but financially I was better off single and getting maintenance from him than I was when we were together.
there are a lot of disadvantages to being married with your partner working away.
this was my experience, other people may have found it different for them.
SimplyMum
02-11-2007, 12:24
I actually found it easier to be a single parent than I did when I was married with my husband working away. I didn't have emotional support - he was away and couldn't be contacted except by sat phone. not the best way to try and have any type of private conversation. When he came home it was to a family that he didn't fit into, by the time he was fitting in, he was leaving again. I may have had access to his finances, but financially I was better off single and getting maintenance from him than I was when we were together.
there are a lot of disadvantages to being married with your partner working away.
this was my experience, other people may have found it different for them.
Like with Spoon, I apprieciate your circumstance and I agree it's sounds really hard. Fortunately enough I have never found myself to be in this situation but can appreciate your opinion that it was harder than being a single parent but I'm not saying being a single parent is harder OR easier just not the same!
Just because your husband is away, you are not a single parent. Whether it's harder or not is irrelevent.
Being a mother to 5 kids may be harder than beinga mother to multiples but I think everybody would agree that one is not the same as the other. Being a mother to multiples brings 'different' (whether harder or not) challanges than that of being a monther to 5.
Same with being a single parent. It brings completely 'different' challanges than that of a partnered family where one partner is away.
It's like me saying that it's like I'm a widower. My partner is gone, nowhere to be seen, sometimes I grieve what I don't have but it is nowhere like being a single parent. There just not one of the same. Both scenarios bring different challanges and I cannot claim to be something I'm not and try and understand something I have not been through.
sam's mum
02-11-2007, 12:34
Like with Spoon, I apprieciate your circumstance and I agree it's sounds really hard. Fortunately enough I have never found myself to be in this situation but can appreciate your opinion that it was harder than being a single parent but I'm not saying being a single parent is harder OR easier just not the same!
Just because your husband is away, you are not a single parent. Whether it's harder or not is irrelevent.
Being a mother to 5 kids may be harder than beinga mother to multiples but I think everybody would agree that one is not the same as the other. Being a mother to multiples brings 'different' (whether harder or not) challanges than that of being a monther to 5.
Same with being a single parent. It brings completely 'different' challanges than that of a partnered family where one partner is away.
It's like me saying that it's like I'm a widower. My partner is gone, nowhere to be seen, sometimes I grieve what I don't have but it is nowhere like being a single parent. There just not one of the same. Both scenarios bring different challanges and I cannot claim to be something I'm not and try and understand something I have not been through.
no they aren't the same, but they do have similarities. It is the similarities that allow someone to offer their experience of what happened with them and what they did. the person who is receiving the information can then evaluate it and decide whether it is useful to them.
single parents aren't in the same situation either. there is working vs non working, receiving maintenance vs not receiving, always single vs separated vs widowed...... it goes on.
if when seeking opinions you only get information from those in the SAME situation, you will have a very small selection.
DustyPeach
02-11-2007, 12:35
I am probably going to get infracted for this, or atleast make a lot of enemies but I am going to say it anyway.
I have noticed for a while now that quite often people who have no idea of what it is like to be a single parent, what money we live on (or barely live on), what laws we are bound by (yes another thread i was reading) etc, come into the single parent threads after many of us have answered the OP not only with facts but with our own similar stories and experiences, and just say, oh you need to do this, or you need to get legal advice, not listen to other people on bubhub etc etc.
I would really like to know why people feel the need to do this when we are the ones who know what things are like through actual experience. There is no need to dismiss us or our lives, we are the ones living them.
Could not agre more here bug. Yes it is our choice to express our opinion and share our experience. But dont put me down for sharing my experience. I can talk about my situation now for quite some time I could not. Sharing for all of us is healthy and no one has the right to make us feel like less of a person or denograte our experience.
Being single, partnerd, widdowed whateva. We all deserve a level of respect and in a forum such as this we should not have to expect any different. I have NEVER lessoned anyones experience and it make me sad to see people with and with out personal experience commenting on what I have to say in a negative light.
I am single now. I was not always single so should I go and comment on family matters and say oh well when I was married...... Then topp it off with some nice denoting the situation. Everyone can comment just keep it civil. We all have enough denogration and **** in our reality. If it keeps coming into here there will be less of us to share our experience and perhaps help some one make a better decission for themselves and their kids than we did. Keeping the actuall law in mind here not what we want.
I dont think this should turn into a debate on who has it harder single parents or parents with partners working away.
I personally think it was easier being a single parent than in a relationship but thats just ME and MY experience. It was great making all the decision myself!
I would never recommend to anyone on here to be single parent if you had another good option but I would give advice that it can be done and done well!
Fuchsia!
02-11-2007, 12:44
This one doesn't me so much. But what really gets up my goat is when people say that although they're married, partnered, whatever- they're partner works away from home so much or doesn't do anything so they 'feel' like a single parent! I don't think so, 1. Your still in a partnership- financially, emotionally, mentally. It's the physical that's not there but everything else is. So, really these people are sexually frustrated not single! And 2. how do they know what it 'feels' like to be a single parent? There not one and I'm sure anyone that has been one would agree that it is NOT the same!
Just like having kids 1 year apart in age is NOT the same as having twins, being physically alone is NOT the same as being single!
sorry just have to comment on this.
I was single parent for 2 years and then my ex and i got back together. He works and lives away. And i still feel very much like a single mother. I raise these kids on my own, i find it extremely stressful to do this without any emotional support, we have seperate incomes and He still pays child maitnance.
And to tell you the truth it hasn't really change at all sice we have been back together. Apart from the occasional BD (if he's lucky!)
so i feel for me its still the same.
SimplyMum
02-11-2007, 12:46
no they aren't the same, but they do have similarities. It is the similarities that allow someone to offer their experience of what happened with them and what they did. the person who is receiving the information can then evaluate it and decide whether it is useful to them.
single parents aren't in the same situation either. there is working vs non working, receiving maintenance vs not receiving, always single vs separated vs widowed...... it goes on.
if when seeking opinions you only get information from those in the SAME situation, you will have a very small selection.
Oh, I couldn't agree more. I'm all for advice. Filtering out is a GREAT HANDY skill I think all parents learn to appreciate.
This is NOT what I am against at all!
It's the 'claiming to be like a single parent' that I don't agree with.
I don't claim to be like a widow.
I think your missing the point here. I don't mind receiving advice from all walks of life. Just because I'm a single parent, doesn't mean I can't advise on someone in a relationship, I just don't claim to know what there going through, to feel their pain or whatever.
There are similarities but one cannot claim to be the other. It's like claiming that just because someone is from africa and has black skin they can claim to be chinese. No, they can't. Sure, there's similarities but there not the same. They can advise on each other of different subject matters but they cannot claim to be one chinese.
OneBabyBoy
02-11-2007, 12:58
This is the most FANTASTIC thread I have seen in months!!!!!!! De I have wanted to do this for so long but I'm walking a tightrope with infractions as it is!!!
It really gets me frustrated aswell. :banghead:
This one doesn't me so much. But what really gets up my goat is when people say that although they're married, partnered, whatever- they're partner works away from home so much or doesn't do anything so they 'feel' like a single parent! I don't think so, 1. Your still in a partnership- financially, emotionally, mentally. It's the physical that's not there but everything else is. So, really these people are sexually frustrated not single! And 2. how do they know what it 'feels' like to be a single parent? There not one and I'm sure anyone that has been one would agree that it is NOT the same!
Just because your husband is away, you are not a single parent. Whether it's harder or not is irrelevent.
:smiliedance: :yelclap: :smiliedance:
It's not that it's harder it's just so different. The majority of us don't have someone to call at night and say "Oh daughter caused me to almost have a nervous breakdown today vent ven vent" or "oh son took his first steps it was beautiful!!"
Parenting when you have emotional support IS different to parenting without it. Whether it is harder physically or financially is irrelevant.
Only single parents and people who used to be single parents could possibly understand.
ETA: It's not just people with partners working away that do this (not sure how it got focused on that). It is even happily partnered people who gets lots of financial, physical and most importantly emotional support from their spouses.
Jeclipse
02-11-2007, 13:01
Parenting when you have emotional support IS different to parenting without it. Whether it is harder physically or financially is irrelevant.
Only single parents and people who used to be single parents could possibly understand.
I agree:yes:
Chickadee
02-11-2007, 13:01
It's like claiming that just because someone is from africa and has black skin they can claim to be chinese.
True, but they could say that as an african some of their experiences and difficulties are similar or like those that a Chinese person would experience, such as language issues, prejudice, stereotyping and racism.
If a partner is working away, the remaining parent is left to deal with all the day to day stuff on their own. There is no emotional or physical break from parenting. There is no opportunity to say to a partner - can you just watch the kids while I go for a walk. In a lot of ways they might as well be a single parent. Of course it's not exactly the same, I'm not going to argue that it is. But then, no two lives are ever exactly the same.
I think your missing the point here. I don't mind receiving advice from all walks of life. Just because I'm a single parent, doesn't mean I don't know what's like to be in a relationship.
I am lost was this sarcasm? Cos I thought that was the problem people saying they know what its like to be a single parent but they aren't?
Sorry I am not trying to be smart but I just dont get it? (what you have written here-I understand your problem):confused:
OneBabyBoy
02-11-2007, 13:08
I think it is a valid point to remind others to seek legal advice on a subject incase someone is giving them not 100% correct information. The OP could take the responses as gospel and find themselves in trouble later on.
MM you are someone I really respect but I have to point something out. I read every single one of these threads and posts in this single parent forum and I have to tell you the most common thing I read is "See a family law solicitor" or "call/see/talk to legalaid" or "get good legal representation asap" etc.
Most of us feel it is helpful to share our situations to help the op know they are not alone. We don't claim to be lawyers. It really is extremely common to see that advice.
It is really not neccessary for people who don't have any actual experience with single parenthood and the complications of life as a single parent to come in and tell OP's to basically "not listen to people on bubhub".
ETA: I just read your other post MM. I think what M2B was getting at is not so much that non-single parents come in here but moreso that they come in here and are seemingly dissmissive of us/our advice and what we've been through and go through on a daily basis when (unless they've been there) they just do not understand. Is that right De?
SimplyMum
02-11-2007, 13:11
I am lost was this sarcasm? Cos I thought that was the problem people saying they know what its like to be a single parent but they aren't?
Sorry I am not trying to be smart but I just dont get it? (what you have written here-I understand your problem):confused:
No, it wasn't scarasm. I just got my words mumbled up. My mind is going to fast for my fingers!
Thanks thought I was going nuts.
SimplyMum
02-11-2007, 13:22
True, but they could say that as an african some of their experiences and difficulties are similar or like those that a Chinese person would experience, such as language issues, prejudice, stereotyping and racism.
If a partner is working away, the remaining parent is left to deal with all the day to day stuff on their own. There is no emotional or physical break from parenting. There is no opportunity to say to a partner - can you just watch the kids while I go for a walk. In a lot of ways they might as well be a single parent. Of course it's not exactly the same, I'm not going to argue that it is. But then, no two lives are ever exactly the same.
I do understand that some similarities can be found but one cannot still fully comprehend what it is like to be a single parent.
It's like me saying 'I feel like a widow'. A few questions prop up if I say something life this.
1. How do I know what it feels like? I don't.
2. Have I ever lost a partner- no.
3. Sure some similarities can be found but ultimately I am not a widow. My partner did not loose their life and I cannot claim to be going through the same feelings as a widow must go through.
Being a single parent is a package. It's not just one part of the equation not being there but the WHOLE equation missing!
1 + 0 = 1
1 + .5 does not equal 1!
ETA: I just read your other post MM. I think what M2B was getting at is not so much that non-single parents come in here but moreso that they come in here and are seemingly dissmissive of us/our advice and what we've been through and go through on a daily basis when (unless they've been there) they just do not understand. Is that right De?
Yep pretty much that. It is the fact that our lives just seem to get dismissed. And that some of the people doing it have never actually known what it is to be a single parent, but feel that they can come in and tell us how we should be doing things.
This thread has actually been brewing for a few of us for a while I think but it was a case of who was going to be the one to finally get fed up and post the thread. I know myself that I have quite a few of the single mummies on my msn, and a daddy, and we have discussed this quite a few times amongst us. So I decided it was time to let people know that we are over it.
Behind everything else, we are still people, we are parents as well just like them, but we have to do it in a different capacity and our experiences are what has made us the people we are today, just as theirs have made them who they are. But do not come in to a close knit group of people who come onto this forum to be there for each other and support each other as much as we can (because we know what they are going through) and just dismiss our experiences with our ex's, with the CSA & centrelink, and especially with the court processes that we have had to do through just to be the best parent to our children.
SimplyMum
02-11-2007, 14:26
Yep pretty much that. It is the fact that our lives just seem to get dismissed. And that some of the people doing it have never actually known what it is to be a single parent, but feel that they can come in and tell us how we should be doing things.
This thread has actually been brewing for a few of us for a while I think but it was a case of who was going to be the one to finally get fed up and post the thread. I know myself that I have quite a few of the single mummies on my msn, and a daddy, and we have discussed this quite a few times amongst us. So I decided it was time to let people know that we are over it.
Behind everything else, we are still people, we are parents as well just like them, but we have to do it in a different capacity and our experiences are what has made us the people we are today, just as theirs have made them who they are. But do not come in to a close knit group of people who come onto this forum to be there for each other and support each other as much as we can (because we know what they are going through) and just dismiss our experiences with our ex's, with the CSA & centrelink, and especially with the court processes that we have had to do through just to be the best parent to our children.
Well said!:thumbsup:
Oh, and sorry for hijacking your thread. It was extreamly rude of me, I promise I do not make a habit of this!
missie_mack
02-11-2007, 14:31
Behind everything else, we are still people, we are parents as well just like them, but we have to do it in a different capacity and our experiences are what has made us the people we are today, just as theirs have made them who they are. But do not come in to a close knit group of people who come onto this forum to be there for each other and support each other as much as we can (because we know what they are going through) and just dismiss our experiences with our ex's, with the CSA & centrelink, and especially with the court processes that we have had to do through just to be the best parent to our children.
I really think your wrong about being the best parent... for a lot of situations you are more than just a parent. You are their mother and their father, infact their entire world. Being a single parent is the hardest role anyone could ever imagine because sadly children do not come with a off switch and there is no bundy card for the end of the day. Nobody should be capable of ever diminishing that no matter what they say or do :no:
Stand up and be proud of the efforts you make... many suggestions are better in theory than in practice.
I as the daughter of a single parent, am very proud of what my Mother was able to achieve for her family. While nobody can ever give back all the things she gave up trying to make up for what her louse of a ex husband lacked, she knows she fought and still fights my father on the side of what is right and responsible... a fight I have now taken accountability for to give her some bundy off time :D
ETA I am quite chuffed to think someone admires me onebabyboy :o
SimplyMum
02-11-2007, 14:41
I really think your wrong about being the best parent... for a lot of situations you are more than just a parent. You are their mother and their father, infact their entire world. Being a single parent is the hardest role anyone could ever imagine because sadly children do not come with a off switch and there is no bundy card for the end of the day. Nobody should be capable of ever diminishing that no matter what they say or do :no:
Stand up and be proud of the efforts you make... many suggestions are better in theory than in practice.
I as the daughter of a single parent, am very proud of what my Mother was able to achieve for her family. While nobody can ever give back all the things she gave up trying to make up for what her louse of a ex husband lacked, she knows she fought and still fights my father on the side of what is right and responsible... a fight I have now taken accountability for to give her some bundy off time :D
ETA I am quite chuffed to think someone admires me onebabyboy :o
I hope my DS is as level headed as you are. And I also hope he is proud of me and my acheivements as a single parent as you are of your mum. she is lucky to have you!
I really think your wrong about being the best parent... for a lot of situations you are more than just a parent. You are their mother and their father, infact their entire world. Being a single parent is the hardest role anyone could ever imagine because sadly children do not come with a off switch and there is no bundy card for the end of the day. Nobody should be capable of ever diminishing that no matter what they say or do :no:
When I say about being the best parent we can to our children, I mean it ALL, because by being there as their mother AND father (when the other parent isnt around as much) we ARE being the BEST parent we can be, so I dont really understand why you felt the need to add that first line to your post, especially as it is very offensive to people who are sick of having to be defensive. And using the words "I think you are wrong" are automatically going to stick someone on the defensive when they feel they are doing the best they can to give their children a good life.
our little treasures
02-11-2007, 14:46
I am a bit confused with this thread. Do you OP not want people who are married to come into the single parents threads?? I am wondering as I have been guilty of commenting in them and I am happily married. I just always thought they were there to give advice it didn't matter if your married or single.
In regards to people saying don't listen to people on bubhub I have seen a thread recently late at night and a women came on with a problem with her hubby. I gave the best advice I had and then another slammed her and basically told her not to come onto a forum but go and talk to him. Anyway I don't think that is right but I also don't think it is right to tell people what sections they can post in. IYKWIM
This one doesn't me so much. But what really gets up my goat is when people say that although they're married, partnered, whatever- they're partner works away from home so much or doesn't do anything so they 'feel' like a single parent! I don't think so, 1. Your still in a partnership- financially, emotionally, mentally. It's the physical that's not there but everything else is. So, really these people are sexually frustrated not single! And 2. how do they know what it 'feels' like to be a single parent? There not one and I'm sure anyone that has been one would agree that it is NOT the same!
Just like having kids 1 year apart in age is NOT the same as having twins, being physically alone is NOT the same as being single!
Now I have friends who I call single mums as they might as well be. The above in bold I find funny as I know these women are far from sexually frustrated and to think you obviously think relationships are best wholly on sex is very funny!!
I actually found it easier to be a single parent than I did when I was married with my husband working away. I didn't have emotional support - he was away and couldn't be contacted except by sat phone. not the best way to try and have any type of private conversation. When he came home it was to a family that he didn't fit into, by the time he was fitting in, he was leaving again. I may have had access to his finances, but financially I was better off single and getting maintenance from him than I was when we were together.
there are a lot of disadvantages to being married with your partner working away.
this was my experience, other people may have found it different for them.
I think it would be worse!! You are looked upon as having a relationship and people NEVER understand that your doing everything only you have the tag "married/engaged/partnered" so it gives the perception you have someone to lean on and infact you don't. I would find it easier getting up everyday knowing I have to do everything than thinking maybe my partner will help.
sorry just have to comment on this.
I was single parent for 2 years and then my ex and i got back together. He works and lives away. And i still feel very much like a single mother. I raise these kids on my own, i find it extremely stressful to do this without any emotional support, we have seperate incomes and He still pays child maitnance.
And to tell you the truth it hasn't really change at all sice we have been back together. Apart from the occasional BD (if he's lucky!)
so i feel for me its still the same.
As as I have posted I do agree
True, but they could say that as an african some of their experiences and difficulties are similar or like those that a Chinese person would experience, such as language issues, prejudice, stereotyping and racism.
If a partner is working away, the remaining parent is left to deal with all the day to day stuff on their own. There is no emotional or physical break from parenting. There is no opportunity to say to a partner - can you just watch the kids while I go for a walk. In a lot of ways they might as well be a single parent. Of course it's not exactly the same, I'm not going to argue that it is. But then, no two lives are ever exactly the same.
Thats right being 2 single mums don't make your lifes and legal battles the same as it doesn't if 1 is married and the other is not.:)
subaruforestermum
02-11-2007, 14:50
:wave: Hi, I'm posting here, as NO I'm not a single mum, but I have been!
It may have only been for 3 months, but I delat with a lot and have been through alot as a child with my mum being a single parent! So I sometimes see a thread up and come in and post, and give advice!!!!
I may not know it ALL, but I offer support and advice on things I have some experience with or knowledge about!
OneBabyBoy
02-11-2007, 14:55
I think it would be worse!! You are looked upon as having a relationship and people NEVER understand that your doing everything only you have the tag "married/engaged/partnered" so it gives the perception you have someone to lean on and infact you don't. I would find it easier getting up everyday knowing I have to do everything than thinking maybe my partner will help.
It's exactly that kind of statement that this thread is about.
I'm happy for you that you have never experienced life as a single parent and I hope for you that you never do. However, do not say what would be "easier" or "harder". That was not the purpose of this thread.
Because if *touchwood* the day came when you were a single parent you might feel a whole lot differently.
So, until you know what it's like, don't say that you do and don't make assumptions like the above.
No the point of the thread was not to say that non-single parents are not welcome, it was to say that comments like the above are not welcome.
Thanks for your input anyway.
OneBabyBoy
02-11-2007, 14:56
:wave: Hi, I'm posting here, as NO I'm not a single mum, but I have been!
It may have only been for 3 months, but I delat with a lot and have been through alot as a child with my mum being a single parent! So I sometimes see a thread up and come in and post, and give advice!!!!
I may not know it ALL, but I offer support and advice on things I have some experience with or knowledge about!
I think it was stated that the comments were only directed to people who had never experienced what it's like to be a single parent. So not you.
our little treasures
02-11-2007, 14:59
SO maybe contact the mods and make a notice that NO ONE married Partnered can post in these threads.:thumbsdown:
Shanaynay
02-11-2007, 15:00
It's not that it's harder it's just so different. The majority of us don't have someone to call at night and say "Oh daughter caused me to almost have a nervous breakdown today vent ven vent" or "oh son took his first steps it was beautiful!!"
Parenting when you have emotional support IS different to parenting without it. Whether it is harder physically or financially is irrelevant.
Only single parents and people who used to be single parents could possibly understand.
ETA: It's not just people with partners working away that do this (not sure how it got focused on that). It is even happily partnered people who gets lots of financial, physical and most importantly emotional support from their spouses.
I agree completely.
It's not just about the physical support.
OneBabyBoy
02-11-2007, 15:01
:confused: :confused: :confused:
No the point of the thread was not to say that non-single parents are not welcome, it was to say that comments like the above are not welcome.
I thought that was pretty clear.
missie_mack
02-11-2007, 15:04
SO maybe contact the mods and make a notice that NO ONE married Partnered can post in these threads.:thumbsdown:
No thats not what I think she was saying. I think they are trying to say that they dont want people making guesses that single parents lives are easier than those partnered and using this to make judgemental statements.
SimplyMum
02-11-2007, 15:08
Ok, SFM- firstly I'd like to say I read a fair few of your posts and usually agree with majority of them. But no in this case.
Firstly, I don't think a relationship is based wholly on sex but, and there's a big BUT! Having a partner, even if away DOES make a difference. Maybe I can't explain it, maybe you have to be single to understand it!
For me, it's not so much as the physical side of things, the child minding, the taking a break. this part is not the biggest part I have a problem with.
It's financial- allot of people, including myself are bound by how much money they bring in. I need to get a full time job just to pay rent and bills if I want to stay near family (strongly advised for support). It's not like I can downgrade my bills or anything- they're pretty much at their base level.
It's Emotional- being Mum and Dad. How am I going to teach my DS to stand and pee? What happens if my DS's one lot of grandparents pass away- who's going to spoil him and let him go in the pool when it's raining?
It's mental- How am I going to survive when DS gets to the age of 'the questions'? Where's my Daddy? Why is my Daddy not here? Why doesn't my Daddy care enough to not even know my name, my DOB, the colour of my eyes?
And of course, it's hard physically. You can only gather what comes physically from being a single parent.
Tell me, do your friends go to bed at night wondering if there child will grow up feeling rejected by someone as important as their father/mother?
Do your friends go to bed wondering if there's something wrong with them because no guy will love them?
Do your friends go to bed wondering what they could have done better to prevent their darling angel from having to deal with a life with no father?
Do your friends go to bed wondering what's giong to happen at their daughters wedding day- whose going to walk that beauty down the isle?
Getting a bit teary eyed here- might have to go and do some work!
Apart from this, I think I'm getting a little bit distracted as to my point. Like other people have said, it's people claiming to know what's it like as a single parent. It's NOT the same as having a partner away.
subaruforestermum
02-11-2007, 15:13
I think it was stated that the comments were only directed to people who had never experienced what it's like to be a single parent. So not you.
You see though, I dont think I have told people I was a single parent for 3 months or made a huge deal out of it, so not many people would know, so therefor my opinion could be disregarded for the simple fact that people on here dont know everyones past, they dont know if someone posting has a partner and has never had to do it alone!!!! Which is why I had the RIGHT to put my 2 cents worth forward in this thread!
our little treasures
02-11-2007, 15:14
No thats not what I think she was saying. I think they are trying to say that they dont want people making guesses that single parents lives are easier than those partnered and using this to make judgemental statements.
Now I am a tad confused as I thought it was about people saying "don't listen to other bubhubbers get legal advice"
I agree with that people shouldn't tell anyone off for having an opinion but I do if it is only there opinion they want. IYKWIM. Everyone is guilty of making guesses look at the post with the sexually frustrated comment. It happens both sides as we haven't experienced the other.
subaruforestermum
02-11-2007, 15:15
Ok, SFM- firstly I'd like to say I read a fair few of your posts and usually agree with majority of them. But no in this case.
Firstly, I don't think a relationship is based wholly on sex but, and there's a big BUT! Having a partner, even if away DOES make a difference. Maybe I can't explain it, maybe you have to be single to understand it!
For me, it's not so much as the physical side of things, the child minding, the taking a break. this part is not the biggest part I have a problem with.
It's financial- allot of people, including myself are bound by how much money they bring in. I need to get a full time job just to pay rent and bills if I want to stay near family (strongly advised for support). It's not like I can downgrade my bills or anything- they're pretty much at their base level.
It's Emotional- being Mum and Dad. How am I going to teach my DS to stand and pee? What happens if my DS's one lot of grandparents pass away- who's going to spoil him and let him go in the pool when it's raining?
It's mental- How am I going to survive when DS gets to the age of 'the questions'? Where's my Daddy? Why is my Daddy not here? Why doesn't my Daddy care enough to not even know my name, my DOB, the colour of my eyes?
And of course, it's hard physically. You can only gather what comes physically from being a single parent.
Tell me, do your friends go to bed at night wondering if there child will grow up feeling rejected by someone as important as their father/mother?
Do your friends go to bed wondering if there's something wrong with them because no guy will love them?
Do your friends go to bed wondering what they could have done better to prevent their darling angel from having to deal with a life with no father?
Do your friends go to bed wondering what's giong to happen at their daughters wedding day- whose going to walk that beauty down the isle?
Getting a bit teary eyed here- might have to go and do some work!
Apart from this, I think I'm getting a little bit distracted as to my point. Like other people have said, it's people claiming to know what's it like as a single parent. It's NOT the same as having a partner away.
:confused: :confused: :confused: :confused:
I take it by the statment OK SFM, meaning me Subaruforestermum.....
But really I think you have it wrong as I have no idea why you are talking about any of that to me, when it has nothing to do with the 2 posts I posted!!!:D
mollymoosmum
02-11-2007, 15:16
a single parent.
Tell me, do your friends go to bed at night wondering if there child will grow up feeling rejected by someone as important as their father/mother?
Do your friends go to bed wondering if there's something wrong with them because no guy will love them?
Do your friends go to bed wondering what they could have done better to prevent their darling angel from having to deal with a life with no father?
Do your friends go to bed wondering what's giong to happen at their daughters wedding day- whose going to walk that beauty down the isle?.
:hugs: to you....
I have been reading all the posts and just had to put in my 2cents worth...
I'm not a single mum, never have been.
My mother was a single mum (still is) so I understand what you are saying, I have seen how hard it can be, but in saying that I wouldn't ever pretend to know how hard it is for you or any single mothers out there. My dp works away and while it is hard, it is very different from being a single mum. I'm not saying it is any easier or harder but it is just a totally different. I can understand how that would upset and annoy you!
I don't agree with some of the posts on 'both sides', I think we often type too hastily when it's a topic we are passionate about, Well I know I do ;-)
I think the point has been missed with some of the 'married or partnered' mum's taking it personally, please don't shoot me that's just my opinion!!
SimplyMum
02-11-2007, 15:16
You see though, I dont think I have told people I was a single parent for 3 months or made a huge deal out of it, so not many people would know, so therefor my opinion could be disregarded for the simple fact that people on here dont know everyones past, they dont know if someone posting has a partner and has never had to do it alone!!!! Which is why I had the RIGHT to put my 2 cents worth forward in this thread!
:no:
Chickadee
02-11-2007, 15:20
A note to all - this thread is degenerating. I don't want to close it, but would ask that everybody take a step back and cool down if necessary.
subaruforestermum
02-11-2007, 15:21
:no:
I really dont understand why I am being targeted with this sort of thing!
Is the head shaking with a sad face because I dont have the right to post here, or that my opinion wont get disregarded?????
I have no idea why you aimed the post at me before and now this:confused: :confused:
Someone, anyone I am confused!!!!!
Ok enough.
This has gone way off track.
The point of the post and thread was about people dismissing single parents experiences in other threads and actually coming in and saying ignore what everyone is telling you and just get legal advice, when the person already HAS and has asked for advice on others experiences within the system AS single parents.
If you have a problem with the idea of why i started this thread, take it up with me personally!!!
our little treasures
02-11-2007, 15:25
Ok, SFM- firstly I'd like to say I read a fair few of your posts and usually agree with majority of them. But no in this case.
Firstly, I don't think a relationship is based wholly on sex but, and there's a big BUT! Having a partner, even if away DOES make a difference. Maybe I can't explain it, maybe you have to be single to understand it!
For me, it's not so much as the physical side of things, the child minding, the taking a break. this part is not the biggest part I have a problem with.
It's financial- allot of people, including myself are bound by how much money they bring in. I need to get a full time job just to pay rent and bills if I want to stay near family (strongly advised for support). It's not like I can downgrade my bills or anything- they're pretty much at their base level.
It's Emotional- being Mum and Dad. How am I going to teach my DS to stand and pee? What happens if my DS's one lot of grandparents pass away- who's going to spoil him and let him go in the pool when it's raining?
It's mental- How am I going to survive when DS gets to the age of 'the questions'? Where's my Daddy? Why is my Daddy not here? Why doesn't my Daddy care enough to not even know my name, my DOB, the colour of my eyes?
And of course, it's hard physically. You can only gather what comes physically from being a single parent.
Tell me, do your friends go to bed at night wondering if there child will grow up feeling rejected by someone as important as their father/mother?
Do your friends go to bed wondering if there's something wrong with them because no guy will love them?
Do your friends go to bed wondering what they could have done better to prevent their darling angel from having to deal with a life with no father?
Do your friends go to bed wondering what's giong to happen at their daughters wedding day- whose going to walk that beauty down the isle?
Getting a bit teary eyed here- might have to go and do some work!
Apart from this, I think I'm getting a little bit distracted as to my point. Like other people have said, it's people claiming to know what's it like as a single parent. It's NOT the same as having a partner away.
I understand where your coming from but don't feel that what your experiencing is completely different to what another mum might experience. Iykwim
I didn't have grandparents NO ONE to spoil us. Some grandparents don't even see their grandkids.
Do your friends go to bed wondering if there's something wrong with them because no guy will love them? Lots of marriages a partner doesn't love the other
It's Emotional- being Mum and Dad. How am I going to teach my DS to stand and pee? Many women have to do this not all dads are the hands on. Many have to be mum and dad
They are just 2 I could comment on.
I may not be single but I may have experienced parts of your life that I can relate to.
Now all the above is my observation because my DH does everything with our kids and me. I see the outsiders view but it's not to say I can't comment. You see happy wife with a man who vacs cleans and loves his family. You don't see that growing up I may have experienced some of the same. IYKWIM:)
SimplyMum
02-11-2007, 15:29
Sorry, am at work and probably should not be posting. A bit slow!
SFM- the rest of that post was mean for treasures (I think).
the shaking head was because I didn't know what to write but disagreed.
IMO- I don't mind non-single parents posting. Actually in some cases it's welcomed, a fresh idea or advice sometimes is just whats needed.
What I DO NOT like is when the 'single parent' life is liked to that of a partnered parent. I think they are different.
I also DO NOT like it when a partnered parent says derogative or judgemental comments when they have not actually experienced the single parent life.
By the way, I just want to clear something up. My previous post about a partner being sexually frustrated. This was a light hearted attemp to lighten the mood. It's getting a little hot in here!!
our little treasures
02-11-2007, 15:30
Ok enough.
This has gone way off track.
The point of the post and thread was about people dismissing single parents experiences in other threads and actually coming in and saying ignore what everyone is telling you and just get legal advice, when the person already HAS and has asked for advice on others experiences within the system AS single parents.
If you have a problem with the idea of why i started this thread, take it up with me personally!!!
I did I put my entire post to OP!! I still don't agree as my above post explains why. If your really against it maybe ask the mods to put a stick thread about it!:idea:
Wanted to add no one should dismiss anothers point of view but it goes both ways
OneBabyBoy
02-11-2007, 15:33
Ok I think everyone should just calm down.
Deep breaths.
No one was targeting anyone (well I certainly wasn't anyway) and that was not the intention as I see it.
There are so many people that are missing the point that there hardly even is a point anymore.
It's making me use my brain wayyy too much and I think I need some chocolate lol.
I will put it this way then I'm out of this thread:
If you are not and never have been a single parent please do not come into a thread where a question has been asked of other single parents and dismiss their opinions.
Please do not assume you know what it feels like or would be like to be a single parent if you haven't gone through it yourself.
Alot of the real hardships of being a single parent are things that can't be seen or heard. More emotional. It's not all about housework or even financial (although alot of us live below the poverty line). And if you haven't been one yourself then you couldn't possibly know.
Everyone is welcome of course as long as they respect the feelings and opinions of the people that particular forum was originally opened for. Support and hugs and postitive words are always appreciated whether you have been through something or not. However dismissing the experiences people are sharing is not appreciated.
That's it from me. If that's not clear I really don't know how else to explain it.
Have a great day everyone :thumbsup:
SimplyMum
02-11-2007, 15:33
I understand where your coming from but don't feel that what your experiencing is completely different to what another mum might experience. Iykwim
I didn't have grandparents NO ONE to spoil us. Some grandparents don't even see their grandkids.
Do your friends go to bed wondering if there's something wrong with them because no guy will love them? Lots of marriages a partner doesn't love the other
It's Emotional- being Mum and Dad. How am I going to teach my DS to stand and pee? Many women have to do this not all dads are the hands on. Many have to be mum and dad
They are just 2 I could comment on.
I may not be single but I may have experienced parts of your life that I can relate to.
Now all the above is my observation because my DH does everything with our kids and me. I see the outsiders view but it's not to say I can't comment. You see happy wife with a man who vacs cleans and loves his family. You don't see that growing up I may have experienced some of the same. IYKWIM:)
But it's not the individual problems, it's the problems as a whole. If it's the individual problems I was worried about I'd go to that section as ask/vent. And it's not the advice either, I have no problem taking advice from all walks of life.
It's the single parent game as a WHOLE! Not just bits and peices, as a whole. And let me stress once again, it's not the advice that I particular have a problem with. It's people claiming to 'understand' what I'm going through. Unless they've experienced- how can they understand?
I am a bit confused with this thread. Do you OP not want people who are married to come into the single parents threads?? I am wondering as I have been guilty of commenting in them and I am happily married. I just always thought they were there to give advice it didn't matter if your married or single.
not
Actually this is what you asked and its not what the thread was about.
It is not about keeping people out of threads, it is about people WHO DO NOT UNDERSTAND certain situations having never experienced them, coming into threads and DISMISSING the experiences of other people, AS I HAVE JUST STATED AGAIN IN MY LAST POST
subaruforestermum
02-11-2007, 15:45
:wave: Hi, I'm posting here, as NO I'm not a single mum, but I have been!
It may have only been for 3 months, but I dealt with a lot and have been through alot as a child with my mum being a single parent! So I sometimes see a thread up and come in and post, and give advice!!!!
I may not know it ALL, but I offer support and advice on things I have some experience with or knowledge about!
Ok, SFM- firstly I'd like to say I read a fair few of your posts and usually agree with majority of them. But no in this case.
I dont understand how the above thread of mine is something that could be disagreed with! I was stating as to why I sometimes post in the single parents section!!!!
Sorry, am at work and probably should not be posting. A bit slow!
SFM- the rest of that post was mean for treasures (I think).
the shaking head was because I didn't know what to write but disagreed.
IMO- I don't mind non-single parents posting. Actually in some cases it's welcomed, a fresh idea or advice sometimes is just whats needed.
What I DO NOT like is when the 'single parent' life is liked to that of a partnered parent. I think they are different.
I also DO NOT like it when a partnered parent says derogative or judgemental comments when they have not actually experienced the single parent life.
By the way, I just want to clear something up. My previous post about a partner being sexually frustrated. This was a light hearted attemp to lighten the mood. It's getting a little hot in here!!
I still dont understand WHAT you didnt agree with, as it was nothing of controversy! Maybe you can PM me when you get the chance and explain to me exactly what you dont agree with in my posts that have nothing really in them!
Ok I think everyone should just calm down.
Deep breaths.
No one was targeting anyone (well I certainly wasn't anyway) and that was not the intention as I see it.
There are so many people that are missing the point that there hardly even is a point anymore.
It's making me use my brain wayyy too much and I think I need some chocolate lol.
I will put it this way then I'm out of this thread:
If you are not and never have been a single parent please do not come into a thread where a question has been asked of other single parents and dismiss their opinions.
Please do not assume you know what it feels like or would be like to be a single parent if you haven't gone through it yourself.
Alot of the real hardships of being a single parent are things that can't be seen or heard. More emotional. It's not all about housework or even financial (although alot of us live below the poverty line). And if you haven't been one yourself then you couldn't possibly know.
Everyone is welcome of course as long as they respect the feelings and opinions of the people that particular forum was originally opened for. Support and hugs and postitive words are always appreciated whether you have been through something or not. However dismissing the experiences people are sharing is not appreciated.
That's it from me. If that's not clear I really don't know how else to explain it.
Have a great day everyone :thumbsup:
I agree with you, and yes I went off track, but there are tihngs that were posted directly at ME, and I was one who made a light general comment, nothing about how hard life is as a single parent or anything like that, which is why I feel the need to rectify the problem!
I know what you are saying, and I knew what the OP was saying, I put my 2 cents worth in, which I was entitled to do!
I have to say though, it doesnt just happen in Single parents thread it happens in alot of them, where people feel that they have the right to put others down and disregard their experiences or knowledge! I would be the last person to put single mothers down, as I even sent a Mothers Day wish to all you single mothers as I KNOW how tough it is!
I'm out too..:D
Valid point M2B
I
I have to say though, it doesnt just happen in Single parents thread it happens in alot of them, where people feel that they have the right to put others down and disregard their experiences or knowledge! I would be the last person to put single mothers down, as I even sent a Mothers Day wish to all you single mothers as I KNOW how tough it is!
I'm out too..:D
Valid point M2B
I know what you mean about the other threads, it is one of the reasons i very rarely venture out of certain sections now, because as much as i want to support people, I can only comment on some situations, not all so i offer support only and keep advice to a minimum.
And having been a single parent at a stage yourself, it is good to be able to hear your point of view on things as well. And yes thank you for your well wishes and support, you are the type of person who is willing to let us know that you know where we are at and the support means alot to someone like me, especially on days like mothers day etc
our little treasures
02-11-2007, 15:52
Ok enough.
This has gone way off track.
The point of the post and thread was about people dismissing single parents experiences in other threads and actually coming in and saying ignore what everyone is telling you and just get legal advice, when the person already HAS and has asked for advice on others experiences within the system AS single parents.
If you have a problem with the idea of why i started this thread, take it up with me personally!!!
Ok now this is why I thought you were not wanting single parents views
ONEBABYBOY You have explained it much better than the OP if that is what she was trying to get at with the following
Everyone is welcome of course as long as they respect the feelings and opinions of the people that particular forum was originally opened for. Support and hugs and postitive words are always appreciated whether you have been through something or not. However dismissing the experiences people are sharing is not appreciated
:yelclap:
SimplyMum
02-11-2007, 15:54
SFM- I'm sorry, I must have gotten you mixed up with another post. I'm a little slow as I'm at work and supposed to be typing up formal letters. I think I missed a whole page. I do apologise.
I am out as this thread has left me feeling really :crying: . I am off to the toilet to wash my face.
Good night everyone.
Ok now this is why I thought you were not wanting single parents views
ONEBABYBOY You have explained it much better than the OP if that is what she was trying to get at with the following
Everyone is welcome of course as long as they respect the feelings and opinions of the people that particular forum was originally opened for. Support and hugs and postitive words are always appreciated whether you have been through something or not. However dismissing the experiences people are sharing is not appreciated
:yelclap:
If you look closely you will actually see that she took the points she listed out of the posts that were relevant to this thread:thumbsup:
SFM- I'm sorry, I must have gotten you mixed up with another post. I'm a little slow as I'm at work and supposed to be typing up formal letters. I think I missed a whole page. I do apologise.
I am out as this thread has left me feeling really :crying: . I am off to the toilet to wash my face.
Good night everyone.
Aww Lee:hugs: :hugs:
subaruforestermum
02-11-2007, 16:08
I know what you mean about the other threads, it is one of the reasons i very rarely venture out of certain sections now, because as much as i want to support people, I can only comment on some situations, not all so i offer support only and keep advice to a minimum.
And having been a single parent at a stage yourself, it is good to be able to hear your point of view on things as well. And yes thank you for your well wishes and support, you are the type of person who is willing to let us know that you know where we are at and the support means alot to someone like me, especially on days like mothers day etc
Thanks M2B...:hugs:
SFM- I'm sorry, I must have gotten you mixed up with another post. I'm a little slow as I'm at work and supposed to be typing up formal letters. I think I missed a whole page. I do apologise.
I am out as this thread has left me feeling really :crying: . I am off to the toilet to wash my face.
Good night everyone.
:thumbsup: Apology accepted...its all good, I just wanted to rectify the problem as I felt I was being unfairly targeted on something in which I wasnt saying! But since you have admitted your mistake and apologised there are no hard feelings!
:hugs:
Fuchsia!
02-11-2007, 16:41
Ok enough.
This has gone way off track.
The point of the post and thread was about people dismissing single parents experiences in other threads and actually coming in and saying ignore what everyone is telling you and just get legal advice, when the person already HAS and has asked for advice on others experiences within the system AS single parents.
If you have a problem with the idea of why i started this thread, take it up with me personally!!!
well im glad everyone has calmed down! Whoa it was getting very heated!
M2B just wanted to say that i can understand your annoyance. But this is an open forum and people are going to put their 2 cents in all the time. I think its up to each individual what they would like to do with the advice. My advice is to just ignore what you don't like and use what suits you best. :)
Noah_and_Elijah
02-11-2007, 16:45
I sometimes post in here but it's few and far between and only because I have been a single parent for a short time.
I don't think that anyone should be posting in here with 'advice' if they haven't been a single parent at some point in their lives.
JMO :)
PreetyInPink
02-11-2007, 17:23
Just read the pp's.
Glad its all sorted.
jakeanteleahsmum
02-11-2007, 17:28
im so glad everyone has stopped argueing.i was a single mum for 6mth while my partner and i tried to sort out our relationship.on saying that i would never comment on someones issue unless it was close to my own.
to all you single mums:hugs: you are all amazing going thru what you have/are and to still be so strong.good on ya.
mum2bug:i know what you are getting at and in time those that dont will.
Butterflymumma
02-11-2007, 22:32
Hello,
glad to see things have cooled down, i was out today and so have just caught up with this thread but wanted to put in my 2 cents worth too..hehe hope no one minds.
M2B- completly agree with where you are coming from and can actually say that I have felt this way.
Recently i posted a thread asking if there was a law to stop me from moving further north. At the time of asking this i was completely frazzled, so upset about the recent dealings with my ex and his threats to take my daughter that when my mum said she was thinking of moving up north i wondered if it was possible.
I received a lot of frank but useful opinions and thankfully, with this information, did not rush into changing my university applications.
But I was so hurt when people were coming on (not sure if they were single or not) saying not to post here on bub hub etc about legal problems as no one has the same situation...well i thought this was unfair, and actually made me feel much like the fool and very unwelcome.
I am glad that the others gave me their advice otherwise i might have made a bad judgement that would have been messier in the long run.
Getting legal advice of course was always on the agenda, I am not silly! but to see if others had been through this and to know how things went was very helpful.
Anyway, i appreciate all the support from both people, but i can say i listen more if its coming from someone who can say they've been there before or can see where i am coming from.
It is possible that some partnered parents can sometimes be less understanding of why a mother would want to restrict access of the father to their children because they are coming from the opinion that fathers a wonderful in a childs life. When you are a single parent you are single for a reason, and sometimes there are a lot of reasons why you would restrict access. At least if it is reasonable or not, a single parent will tell you honestly but also sympathise with how difficult it can be to watch someone reap the benefits of all your love and hardwork.
Anyway sorry im waffiling on again :ecomcity:
tyler's mum
02-11-2007, 23:33
There have been some really good replys in here. Ok now time for my 2 cents worth:yes:
I take advice from anyone who is willing to give me some. I may not always agree with what they have to say but im willing to listen.
However when im asking a question about being a single parent 'how do they cope' things like thats. I like to hear from those who are single parents or have been single before. Haveing a hubby who works long hours or who go's away alot is not being a single parent.
Understand what its like to be a single parent know one could understand unless they are one or have been. We are left to make all the decisions, bath the kids cook there dinner look after them when they are sick. We go to bed alone and wake up alone every nite/morning.
justme77
03-11-2007, 00:04
hey I have 2 cents as well so I might post here. ill probably annoy people too.
i am a "single mother", i have been since my boys were 1 an 2. they are now 9 and 10 (almost) I have had relationships with other people in this time though. but largely have been single. oh i was with one who worked away and no its not the same as being single- in my case anyhow.
ok for starters- my kids are 11 months apart, and yes in my opinion it is harder then twins. (just had to comment on that one)
secondly- cant remember who it was, but boys just know to stand up and pee, they normally work it out for themselves, so dont stress about that one.
next- who cares who has it easier or harder. at the end of the day we are all parents/mothers. some people get support from a male partner and then others get support from thier mum/dad. etc- support is support- does it matter who it comes from? do you have to share a bed with someone every night to make their support more important?
everyone has valid points to make, if the thread is about how to deal with csa or some other single parent matter then sure, those who have been there or are there should post, and those who are married might have a sister who uncovered a magical solution with csa and wants to share it.
lastly- (and most importantly for me- and this is NOT directed at anyone on here, but society in general) i cannot stand this whole single parent label that people give themselves. anyone who has a child is potentially a single parent- some people just got lucky with a great partner and some didnt.
i never refer to myself as a single mother- i am a mother. thats it.
i cringe at the label of single mother.i might be heartless here, but if someone says oh im a single mother etc etc, i simply think "so?"
some people get caught up i their own label and emerse themselves in it until they just become that and nothing else.
OneBabyBoy
03-11-2007, 12:22
lastly- (and most importantly for me- and this is NOT directed at anyone on here, but society in general) i cannot stand this whole single parent label that people give themselves. anyone who has a child is potentially a single parent- some people just got lucky with a great partner and some didnt.
i never refer to myself as a single mother- i am a mother. thats it.
i cringe at the label of single mother.i might be heartless here, but if someone says oh im a single mother etc etc, i simply think "so?"
some people get caught up i their own label and emerse themselves in it until they just become that and nothing else.
Well...It's off topic but I wanted to say I disagree with you completely.
I am very proud to be a single mother. I found a really old friend on facebook the other day and when she asked me what I'm doing I said "I'm a single mum". I'm not ashamed or afraid to admit it. In fact, it's the opposite.
Not all "labels" are negetive. I certainly don't "cringe" at anything to do with the term single parent. I could probably say I emerse myself in it because I come on here and other single parent forums as well as have a few single parent friends irl. That does not mean I am that and nothing else. I am alot more than only a single mother. I'm alot more than only a mother in general.
This part:
i might be heartless here, but if someone says oh im a single mother etc etc, i simply think "so?"
Makes me wonder how you reply to us in threads when we talk/complain/whinge/or be positive about being single parents. Are you just sitting there thinking "so?" ?
DustyPeach
03-11-2007, 16:19
This thread was actually started because I was attacked for sharing my experience and labled as trying to "scare off" people from dong what they want based on my situation etc etc.
It is nice to see that that is an oppinion held by a vast minority.
This thread as the other has taken on a life all of its own. The thread in no means was questioning single, married, widdowed etc parents. It was rasing the valid issue of not denograte anyones experience. It is not easy to open yourself up and share your life when others choose to make you feel invalid as a person. I am very happy to read that the people to whome the advise was given do appreciate it.
justme77
03-11-2007, 18:30
Well...It's off topic but I wanted to say I disagree with you completely.
I am very proud to be a single mother. I found a really old friend on facebook the other day and when she asked me what I'm doing I said "I'm a single mum". I'm not ashamed or afraid to admit it. In fact, it's the opposite.
Not all "labels" are negetive. I certainly don't "cringe" at anything to do with the term single parent. I could probably say I emerse myself in it because I come on here and other single parent forums as well as have a few single parent friends irl. That does not mean I am that and nothing else. I am alot more than only a single mother. I'm alot more than only a mother in general.
This part:
i might be heartless here, but if someone says oh im a single mother etc etc, i simply think "so?"
Makes me wonder how you reply to us in threads when we talk/complain/whinge/or be positive about being single parents. Are you just sitting there thinking "so?" ?
as i said, i was talking about society in general and wasnt directing it at anyone on here at all.
yes you should be proud to be a single parent, i was talking about people who use it as an excuse to expect more then others because they are single.
and no i certainly do not think that of people on here, most of the posts i have read on here, and i dont read them all, are single parents asking how others cope and questions about csa/custody. i dont see that as whinging.
sure there have been threads where i have thought, oh get over it and move on, but i keep those comments to myself, and that is not just in the single parents thread. and im certain if others thought about it, they have thought the same at some stage.
99% of the parents on this site are not the type i am describing, least thats my impression, so it wasnt in any way directed at anyone on here.
each to their own, i do cringe at that label because it is still full of stereo typing, that is the total opposite to what most single mothers are. not all labels are negative i agree, but for me, this one is. so maybe i am a bit heartless, but such is life. everyone is entitled to their own opinion and this is mine.
im a parent doing the best i can, same as someone who is married. i just get on with the job and dont think about the fact im doing it alone.
OneBabyBoy
03-11-2007, 19:00
as i said, i was talking about society in general and wasnt directing it at anyone on here at all.
yes you should be proud to be a single parent, i was talking about people who use it as an excuse to expect more then others because they are single.
Ok, cool. I didn't get that impression before but that's fine.
I honestly think these days with the amount of step families and half siblings and unmarried parents there really isn't as much of a stereotype as there used to be.
I think the more people that don't fit the "stereotype"(whatever that may be) that come out as proud single mums will mean that any negetive views there are out there will fade even sooner.
Okay - I'm a late comer here now, but just wanted to respond with some support for both Mum2Bug and DustyPeach
This thread was actually started because I was attacked for sharing my experience and labled as trying to "scare off" people from dong what they want based on my situation etc etc.
It is nice to see that that is an oppinion held by a vast minority.
This thread as the other has taken on a life all of its own. The thread in no means was questioning single, married, widdowed etc parents. It was rasing the valid issue of not denograte anyones experience. It is not easy to open yourself up and share your life when others choose to make you feel invalid as a person. I am very happy to read that the people to whome the advise was given do appreciate it.
Sorry - DustyPeach - I know I'm a bit late, but I know where you were coming from and yep - you were just sharing your experience of you and your kids in the legal system.
Mum2Bug - You are a fantastic mum to Bug (pardon the pun LOL).
I know both of you personally and you are both doing all you can for your children. I know you both know my situation, (so do some people on bubhub, but you two know more than others).
I know both of you understand about needing to seek legal advice when it's indicated, but in some situations, I guess you just want someone to say - "I understand, and I know you were just doing the best for your kid". (Kinda like when I rang my mum yesterday and didn't want her advice, just support which ended in tears for both of us - me not wanting her advice, and her worried she couldn't help me - I didn't want (or need) her help, just an ear).
:hugs: and :kiss: to both of you - I know both of you would let me know if I overstepped the mark;)
DustyPeach
04-11-2007, 20:10
Thanks Pegs its so nice to know your always there. You have been a help and inspiration to myself as I am sure you are to M@2B.
You have and will continue to make a difference in both our lives I am sure. Glad to see you back around hope your littlies are well again.
I have to agree with everything onebabyboy has written.
This subject has been on my mind for a while also and like others didn't want to risk the infractions, thanks for putting it out there mum2bug. :hugs:
Thanks Pegs its so nice to know your always there. You have been a help and inspiration to myself as I am sure you are to M@2B.
You have and will continue to make a difference in both our lives I am sure. Glad to see you back around hope your littlies are well again.
Everything she said and everything I have said to you hun:hugs: :hugs:
This is kinda off topic, but sorta along the same lines, i totally agree with bailymoo and onebabyboy and i am stunned that you have received some reactions you have especially from those who have no idea what it's like to be in your situation. That's just terrible. But i just want to say i think all the single mothers i have read about on here are really amazing and i like to show support when i can. I can not understand what it's like to be in your shoes but i do want to say i think its great how much support you are able to receive from others who are in similar situations.
Now i don't want to be all about me here, but also what about the people who are in completely different situations all together - like myself who has a partner with a disability. I am his full-time carer, i am his financial manager and this situation faces daily challenges. I understand that there are very very few people on here or even IRL that have any idea of what i am going through or how hard it is. (This is not to say i do it harder than single mums or anyone) it's to point out that i totally agree that each situation is different and noone can 'pretend' to be in my situation or know half of what i go through and sadly where do i go for support?? At least you guys can relate to many others who go through the same thing, but there are others who have completely unique situations and challenges to face aswell and noone to relate to about it.
So i guess my point is just be thankful you have support from others and if others give you a hard time or may be unsupportive then that's really there problem. Everyone does the best they can and it's great to get support and advice when needed and really i think most people genuinely want to help, but yes some people may be OTT and rude, but you don't need to take on board what they say.
Gosh i hope this made sense and i hope i haven't offended, it was not my intention i am just offering a different perspective.
ShadyCharacter
05-11-2007, 01:09
sorry just have to comment on this.
I was single parent for 2 years and then my ex and i got back together. He works and lives away. And i still feel very much like a single mother. I raise these kids on my own, i find it extremely stressful to do this without any emotional support, we have seperate incomes and He still pays child maitnance.
And to tell you the truth it hasn't really change at all sice we have been back together. Apart from the occasional BD (if he's lucky!)
so i feel for me its still the same.
I have also been on the same side of the fence.... both a single mother AND having a partner who works VERY long hours and is rarely home, and I can tell you, for some people, they are very similar. You still spend the same long, lonely hours with your children.
I also think you can't too quickly assume that people don't know what they are talking about. I have given advice a few times in the 'Single Parents' section, and I have been one. I have also been through bitter legal arguments with my ex-parter with HIS ex, over my step-children.
So while all anyone on BH would know is that I am in a long term relationship, have a toddler and another on the way, I have been (not so long ago) in many of the situations some of the single parents here find themselves in.
And I am sure I am not the only one.
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