Be Honest... Really

[HunterzMummy]

I am going to be completely honest here with the chance of ridicule..

You hear this alot in blended/step familys, that the step parent loves the step child as there own.. And yes i do love my step son very very much :yes: (i have been guilty of saying this on numerous occasions) BUT reality is my son will always come first as he is MY son and MY flesh and blood. I will always be there for my step son, to love and care for him but when the rubber meets the road my son takes priority.

So I want your thoughts.. do you REALLY love you step child as much as your child or do you just use that "saying" as an expression..

[mythreelittlemonkeys]

thats a hard one...i do love my stepchildren but differently to the love i have for my own daughter. I do do everything and anything I can for them, but they have their own mother and yes if push came to shove my daughter would come first as I am her only mother. But if people ask how many children we have I say 3 including my stepchildren, we financially support 3 children, my husband has 3 children who he loves equally I am sure, and they are our family. I dont think the bond is the same...how could it be when I havent given birth to them or been there with them all through their lives, but it is a love that is strong...but if I am honest it is not the same.

[Blessed Mum]

I agree with mtr. I have a DSS who is 18.5yrs old now, still lives at home with us who I love so so much but it is a different love to my children. I have raised my DSS since he was 9 so we have a lot of history. He still will walk up & give me a cuddle out of the blue, has just bought his first serious g/f home for me to meet & asked right in front of her what I thought of her - noice NOT lol. He tells me he loves me & thanks me for everything. We have a special bond & relationship & he's never questioned my love for him so I think he's happy lol. However i do call him my son & he has called me mum since he was about 11yrs old, he approached me oneday & asked & thats how it came about. He has never really had a great relationship with his bio-mum & she is well aware of our relationship & bond & is ok with it all & thanked me at his 18th birthday party this year for being a parent to her son which was nice recognition from somewhere I didn't expect it.

Sorry for the :ecomcity: :o

[mymunchkinamelia]

i agree with you all also, i have 3 step kids and as much as i do love them being here with us and I do love them and take care of them, I will never have the same feelings for them as I do my own child, it is hard but i think that it just how it will always be.:)

[FishFace]

wow honesty.

Thats amazing..and hard to read.
I am a stepchild.

I guess you take it for granted that you are loved equally as they always tell you you are.

[mythreelittlemonkeys]

tbh sassafras...my DSD knows I love her it is just different...she actually said once "you love me i know, just its different than daddy and mum cos you arent them, just like I love you but not quite the same as Mum and Daddy...quite perceptive really for a then 8 year old...my DSS tells me I am not allowed to love him as I not his Mum! age 5 and the stage I think!! as per my post I do love them just it is a different love, that not a choice it a primeval instinct I guess...my husband however I know as I said loves them equally...
I hadnt actually thought when I posted about adult step children reading this and can understand that it must be really hard for you to read...

[FishFace]

tbh sassafras...my DSD knows I love her it is just different...she actually said once "you love me i know, just its different than daddy and mum cos you arent them, just like I love you but not quite the same as Mum and Daddy...quite perceptive really for a then 8 year old...my DSS tells me I am not allowed to love him as I not his Mum! age 5 and the stage I think!! as per my post I do love them just it is a different love, that not a choice it a primeval instinct I guess...my husband however I know as I said loves them equally...
I hadnt actually thought when I posted about adult step children reading this and can understand that it must be really hard for you to read...

Yes. It is hard.
I didnt have OTHER parents just my step parent and biological parent.
So its not like you can say oh its cool you dont love me as I HAVE ANOTHER PARENT WHO DOES.

Its hard. and while Ican understand I guess its like santa clause. Even though you know in your heart its not true you still so desperately want to believe it is.

[ShadyCharacter]

I think there are two (or more) different situations. I honestly believed I loved my step children like I would my own... until I had my own. Its not comparable.

I know my step-mother and step-father both love their own children more than me.

BUT, I also think that there is a huge difference between your partner having children from a previous relationship who stay with you frequently, and being the only parent a child knows.

My step-children had a mother of their own. I was their friend, I loved them, but not like I love my own son. On the other hand, if my SC lived full time with their father and I and I was the only 'mother' they had, or knew... I do think that I could possibly love them just as much as my own son. Just like adoptive parents can.

[mythreelittlemonkeys]

yup SC I can see that is quite possible...perhaps it is instinctive that way too, if my step children lived with me and they had no mother I think I can see that would be the case. :yes:

[mymunchkinamelia]

absolutley:yes: totally agree with you there! my stepkids have their mother, and i know that they love her differently to what they love me, I prefer being more their friend rather than being another parent, but they always know that they can come to me for parental advice, if they did'nt have a mother then I would definatley view them as my own.

sassafras, none of us have said that we don't love our stepkids, it just a different type of love that you have for your own flesh and blood, both my DH and stepkids know and totally understand this, until your a step parent maybe then it would be easier for you to understand.

[defaipe]

hmm interesting read. do you think it would be different if your step child only had one parent so you had to 'fill the shoes'.. i hope im not being too confusing(it is late lol).
i just think some situations would be like/and are adoptions.

if you adopted a child would you love it any less than your own that you gave birth to?

maybe its the fear that if your relationship broke down you would lose the 'stepkids' so a wall is put up? (once again i am probably WAY off base.. just thinking out loud).

sassafras, this is only a few womens point of views. please dont assume anything. i know for certain a few step parent families who love all the children equally. they have no reason no to. and no reason to lie. take care:hugs:

[jakeanteleahsmum]

i dont have step kids or step parents but my brothers dont have the same dad as me and i know for a fact he loved them the same as me.he was there dad from when they were 2,4.but on saying that they never knew there real or as my bro calls him sperm donar.he was violent to my mum and never wanted anything to do with them.

so i guess if they have only their parent and step parent then yes i believe you can love them the same espcially if you have brought them up as your own.my dad never tells anyone that they arent his bio kids cause to him we are all his

[moonblossom]

Its just a different kind of love. Like the love you have for your partner, is different from the love you have for your children, if you know what I mean.

Its all love, and thats all that matters :thumbsup:

[DustyPeach]

I am going to be completely honest here with the chance of ridicule..

You hear this alot in blended/step familys, that the step parent loves the step child as there own.. And yes i do love my step son very very much :yes: (i have been guilty of saying this on numerous occasions) BUT reality is my son will always come first as he is MY son and MY flesh and blood. I will always be there for my step son, to love and care for him but when the rubber meets the road my son takes priority.

So I want your thoughts.. do you REALLY love you step child as much as your child or do you just use that "saying" as an expression..

At what point did you realise this? I am pateintly waiting for my ex's 20yr old gf wth one child here another due in jan to realise this with my two. When/if did/do you focus more on your own and realise that your ex's kids actually have a mother and its time to be a more attentitive mother to your own blood?

[forbetoel]

My brother has a step child and one of his own, and he says he honestly feels exactly the same way about both. He has both of their names tatooed on his chest. He has raised his step child since he was 1 year old though, maybe that makes a difference. From where I stand it is pretty clear how inlove he is with his DSS.

[FishFace]

My brother has a step child and one of his own, and he says he honestly feels exactly the same way about both. He has both of their names tatooed on his chest. He has raised his step child since he was 1 year old though, maybe that makes a difference. From where I stand it is pretty clear how inlove he is with his DSS.


Thats so lovely.
He sounds amazing.

I have thought about this thread loads.

I think some people really do love their step kids the same.
Some people find it easy to just love regardless of step/blood/half etc.
Others are more cautious and reserve love for different people.

Just different types of people I think.

[HunterzMummy]

hmm interesting read. do you think it would be different if your step child only had one parent so you had to 'fill the shoes'.. i hope im not being too confusing(it is late lol).
i just think some situations would be like/and are adoptions.



I think this is deffinatly the case. I only say this from my situation. My step son has a very attentive mother who loves him dearly, and as i said i do love the lil guy but ultimatley my son would come first. However it would be a completly different kettle of fish had he be living with us and no mother or the mother was not interested. IYKWIM

[HunterzMummy]

quote=DustyPeach;2056341]At what point did you realise this? I am pateintly waiting for my ex's 20yr old gf wth one child here another due in jan to realise this with my two. When/if did/do you focus more on your own and realise that your ex's kids actually have a mother and its time to be a more attentitive mother to your own blood?[/quote]

Every women is different, it personally kicked in for me when my son was born. Its not that i show these feelings to DSS, i am VERY attentive to my DSS he even calls me mum, im just saying that if i needed to choose (god forbid) that my son would always come first. cuz DSS already has a mother and my son doesnt have 2 like his step brother. i think its unfair if my son felt that my DSS came first (when he got older)

But i would be different if he lived with us.IYKWIM

[MummyCharmzy]

thats a hard one...i do love my stepchildren but differently to the love i have for my own daughter. I do do everything and anything I can for them, but they have their own mother and yes if push came to shove my daughter would come first as I am her only mother. But if people ask how many children we have I say 3 including my stepchildren, we financially support 3 children, my husband has 3 children who he loves equally I am sure, and they are our family. I dont think the bond is the same...how could it be when I havent given birth to them or been there with them all through their lives, but it is a love that is strong...but if I am honest it is not the same.

I could have written this myself, I have 3 children of my own and my stepson who lives with us around 85% of the time, I adore him and have been in his life since he was 14 months old (will be 6 in 3 days) but he is not my child so its just not the same as what I feel for my own children. I treat them equally of course and I do love him an incredible amount, I love him in many ways that I love my own children and then in a couple of ways you can only love a stepchild I guess, just as my own kids I love in ways you can only love your own child.. does that make sense? lol

When talking about my family we have 4 children though, its not 'yours, mine and ours' (biologically my eldest is not my husbands but he most certainly is his 'daddy'), we are united together as a family.

[vespertine]

My partner has been around since my son was 1 yr old and as far as he is concerned, they couldn't be closer if they were biologically related. My partner is 'Daddy', and has been for a long time. The sperm donor has never met DS so there wasn't a father figure in his life until my partner came along. He filled that space beautifully and I love watching them together. They even look alike which is weird!


I have had DS with me day and night since he was born. Obviously there were no visits to the sperm donor, so when DP met us he got the package deal straight up. We also co-sleep, so he has slept with the both of us and shared in the night time parenting since day one.

When the three of us snuggle up together, DS perches happily between us and shares the cuddles and kisses around, and I couldn't imagine it any other way.

We have another baby on the way, and I have no concerns at all about her/him being treated differently to DS.

[metalhead713]

well I dont see my stepkids that much as dp's mother hardly ever brings them around.. and my dd is the only child ive ever acctualy raised.. So yes, I love her more and would do more for her. Honestly. And I suppose its mainly because she is my flesh and blood, and I havnt raised the other children, only met them a few times.

[SweetAngels]

I love my SDD ABSOLUTELY JUST THE SAME as my biological children :yes:

I've always wanted to adopt (i might in 10 years time, just depends on me circumtances) so for me loving a child who I have not given birth to is easy.

We don't have SDD very much (prob's with the BM) but I think of her all the time, I talk to her on the phone and send her lil gifts and letters thru mail. I cry when she leaves and when I miss her (like now as I write this) she means a lot to me because she is half of the man I love and because she is my son's sister!

But its different for everyone, like my DP! He says he loves my DD but I know that he loves her differently, I'm ok with that.

[spoon]

I have always told my children that love is not something that is the same for everybody because everybody is different.

I love my children all for different reasons. I love my step daughter because she is funny, creative, imaginative, and millions of other reasons. She is special. It does not mean I have to be her mother to love her. I am her other mother. My children see me and their daddy every single day, as does my eldest son. When she comes we are a very happy family.

Most of all I love my darling husband and I know he loves his little girl and I am his wife and best friend and I am going to make sure that when he is an old man he will be surrounded by all of his family with no brick walls or barriers.

We have a painting in our house that says,

Alli loves Pete and Pete loves Alli and we love our little children.

That is how it goes.

[mikaylasmummy]

I do love my stepson. But at the end of the day mikayla will alway's come 1st priority to me.. I hate saying it but it's true.
I agree with everything that you have said Hunter

[pegasus]

I"m with a lot of mums here - my kids only have one mum and I want to keep it that way (that they don't get a chance to get a stepmum).

I do love my step kids, but see them now as much as they choose, but they already have a mum and if she's lacking in the area of giving them the love and support she should then it shouldn't be my concern (not that it doesn't bother me though).

My children come first and always will. I don't ask my hubby to make the same delinations though as his children from his previous relationship are related to him the same as mine so that would be unfair.

I will be there for my step children whenever they call on me and i put myself out for them if they ever ask (have put my kids into the car and driven 3hours to get step children at the drop of a hat to do so) but at the end of the day there's no one else who'd do that for my children, so i have to be there for them 100%. They both know (and my DSD has done so ) they can call me at any hour to talk or whatever.

People here are in different situations and if the biological mum wasn't in the picture, it would be a totally different story.

[musicalmummy]

wow i feel a bit more normal now.
i've been with my step kids fo r2 years, so since they were 7yrs old, and 15 years old, and see them every 2nd weekend, and some weekdays if the mother needs us too. i do care alot for them, and go out of my way to make them feel at home here. it was DSD 9th birthday the othe rday so i invited a friend to sleep over, made her favourite cake etc, just as i would for my dd(9mths). but at the end of the day, my dd will always come first. i think if i had hav been with my step kids from a younger age it may have been easier as i could have watched them grow and developed more of a bond. its hard as they zip in and out of your life for a weekend. i'm sure as time goes on it will get better and easier..i hope.

[toni796]

I had a evil stepmum..........she absolutly treated my sis and I like we were nothing......We would get blamed for everything when it was her kids that did the wrong thing......being treated like this I would never treat my stepkids the same way I was treated and would treat them as just as precious to me as my own kids.......I do have a DSD and twin DSS's but I have never met them as they are in the US where my DH is from and there mum is a cow and will not let DH have anything to do with them.....Only way he gets any news about his kids is through his mum.

[kelpat]

I can honestly say I love my step children as if they were my own. I love them as much as my biological children. I did not give birth to my step children, I was not even present at the birth, but that doesn't mean they are not my children.

The love I have for them was not instant as with my kids but it grew over time. I can say I completely love them all the same and I feel no guilt or doubts about that.

All my children are different, and I love them all for there indivduality. But no child has more love then the others.

I know their biological mother has more rights then I do, but I have never had to do anything harder in my entire life them give them back to her at the end of a visit.

I am lucky that now that our oldest is 18 he has chosen to live with us full time and I can not explain how relieved I was when he made this choice to know that he is now full time in our care.

My step daughter is 15 and is with us half time and I find it extremely difficult to talk to her on the phone when she is away cause all I want to do is go over there, bundle her up and bring her home.

[Friendly]

Thats so lovely.
He sounds amazing.

I have thought about this thread loads.

I think some people really do love their step kids the same.
Some people find it easy to just love regardless of step/blood/half etc.
Others are more cautious and reserve love for different people.

Just different types of people I think.

I agree that some parents really do love their step child/ren the same as there own biological child/ren, especially when it is a step family where the other biological parent is not involved or deceased (as in my family).

My husband loves my twins who are 9, the same love he has for 'our' baby daughter.

I think it makes a difference when a child is not living with the step-parent on a permanent basis and their is another parent involved. I think it would be harder to form a bond as you would do with a child that is in your permanent care... if that makes sence.

[YMo7]

hi guys :wave:

i DO love my step children as much as i love my bio children...
they are all equally important to me and if the push came to shove and i had to choose to "save" one or the other i would help the child who was in the most need.
as far as i am concerned, they are all my children and i love them all the same.

having said this - i also understand that some people don't feel that they can have this kind of relationship with their step children.. everyone is different and every situation is different...

as i said in my last thread - it is upsetting to hear that some people try to categorise all step parents as one, the same as a racist would categorise all aboriginals, greeks, australians etc as the same type of people.

we are all different and we are all capable of different things... at the end of the day - so long as the love is shared, no matter to what extent, so long as it is there and the children aren't affected by the differences in that love, and they are all happy and content, then does it really matter? :confused:

:ecomcity::ecomcity::ecomcity::ecomcity:

[jen023]

I have a 6 yr old step son and a 8 mth old daughter, and I love them both the same.
They both bring such joy and happiness to my life.
It's hard to even think that I wouldn't love him the same because I didn;t give birth to him.
I'm still the one who gets up in the middle of the night when he's sick or had a bad dream.
I'm the one who contacts the school about his progress
I'm the one who reads him his bed time story.
Without any bit of hesitation I can HONESTLY say I love them both the same.
And I know he loves me.
:yes:

[WorkingClassMum]

I am a step child.

The step-monster made it perfectly clear that her bio children came first, second third and fourth before my Dad's kids. Even the dog was fed before me as I got older.

I didn't have a mother around - there was just the monster, and my week kneed lily livered father.

I blamed myself growing up - I obviously wasn't lovable enough.

Even my father betrayed me, and let her walk all over us. She beat us and humilated us. She tormented us and deprived us.

As I though about it over the years, I realised that I was the child inthe relationship and it wasn't my fault

She was the adult and it was all of her fault, and my father's.

My honest feelings are that all children should be loved equally. There can be NO firsts, none of this "My flesh and blood".

A partner that has children is a packaged arrangment. If you can't love and treat the children equally - then don't go down that path.

I am sorry if I sound harsh, but I come from the other side of a step parent/child relationship

[pegasus]

Sorry to hear you grew up like this KayeO.

I guess the difference for a lot of the mums on this forum is that their step kids have their biological mums very much in their lives. (In my case their mother is their primary caregiver and they come to stay with us when they or their mum want).

When the mother has made it perfectly clear to you as a stepmum that you are nothing in her children's lives, then you have to respect that she is the one making the day to day decisions etc for your stepchildren.

It's not to say that I don't love my step children, but my children only have me and their dad, no stepmum or stepdad, whereas my stepchildren have their mum, their dad, mum's boyfriend and me in their lives and it's very different.

[Ashleigh<3]

I think it's dependable on individual circumstances.

I do however believe, nothing can take away a biological Mothers right to Mother her children.
Blending families cannot take away that Mothers love. You may gain an extra 'Mothers' love, which I totally respect. BUT any person who would ever try to stop a biological Mother from having that kind of biological bond with her biological child, is just mean.

I know there are such things as mean step mummies who try and take over and play the role of Mummy when the child's biological Mother is perfectly capable and willing to be their own child's Mother.

I know there are amazing step mummies who are able to respect their step child's Mother as their Mother, regardless of past/present predicaments or personal issues they have with them as a person.

I know there are some wonderful biological Mothers who respect their child's step-Mother for wanting to be there for them when they cannot.

And yes I know there are some biological Mothers who REFUSE their childs step-mother having any BOND.

So many, different step-blended scenarios.
It's really hard to sum up how blended families should work when they are of such multiformity.

[punkbaby]

My stepson is 15, I have to be honest though as i only see him once a month, yes i do love him but more so in a "i care for you manner" I only started to get to know him about 3 years ago, his a great kid i see him more so as a younger sibling as silly as that sounds. It doesnt mean that i dont give a damn about him, i would do anything for him, but as i havent had the chance to really really get to know him I see him as a close family member that i care for dearly but i cant say that i love him like my own children. Mind you when he comes here his treated equally to my kids, his always part of the family.

I had a step dad from the age of 8 onwards and i know he loved me, he showed me what a real father should do and he was always there for me, mind you at the time i put him through utter hell in my teens, BUT he still stood by me and supported me. I am ashamed of how i treated him all those years ago but we have resolved that, its the past and i would say that i am closer to him than i am my mum.

I think that treating your step children or being treated like cr@p as your a step child is totally wrong, its hard enough for kids to have to deal with a break up/belnded family, let alone having to deal with it being constantly reminded of it.

[YMo7]

BUT any person who would ever try to stop a biological Mother from having that kind of biological bond with her biological child, is just mean.

i am sorry but i do not agree here... as most people have stated, every situation is different.... my step children's biological mum doe snot deserve to see her children let alone have a bond with them.

Every tuesday WE have to call HER so that the kids can talk to her for as long as they like... 90% of the time she is high and off with the fairies and doesn't care or probably even know what the kids are saying to her. more often then not, it is her family that speaks to the kids coz she doesn't know what to say to them.

last year, christmas fell on a tuesday and she didn't even answer the phone to them or attempt to contact them in anyway.

last week she "missed" the call and called us back and us us to call her back again coz she has no money.... which we did....

She lives 3 hours away and has threatened the safety of my whole family in the past.

We have to travel the 3 hours there and 3 hours back at the end of each visit to get the kids back into our care because she claims that she cant afford to bring them home.

my daughters (from a different relationship) family have all said that they will go to court and fight FOR us if we ever needed against my husbands ex wife.

she has been violently beaten repetitively in front of my step children but keeps taking him back... the worst time of his being when my two step sons were aged 9 and 10 and witnessed this. their mother on the floor with blood all around her. the boys called the police and the boyfriend was arrested and imprisoned for 9 months. she still took him back - hell, she even took the kids to visit him in jail. forced them to go kicking and screaming. this same guy used to throw my step children down the hall...

my step children were never fed, kept clean or respected at all.... their mother is a heavy ICE user and accepts violence. she has now had my 3 stepkids taken off her and her 2 kids that she had with the violent boyfriend. her mother also had her 3 children (all under 3) taken from her because of neglect and going to the pub and leaving the children at home alone.

I do not want this to happen to my step children. i do not want to see them have any of these influences in their lives, just the same as i wouldn't want it for my bio children. for as long as she is in their lives, my step kids will grow up thinking that is acceptable.

i am very passionate about this... no child should be subjected to any one of these things, let alone all of them.

i am sorry but my step children (i actually wrote children here because i feel that they are mine) deserve so much more than this and they would all be better off if she just left them alone and had nothing to do with them.

[HunterzMummy]

No they should no be subjected to that..thats why you are doing a great job taking on the role of primary carer.

But my heart does ache for the mother.. she is obviously struggling with huge inner demons of her past/present..hence the reason she keeps taking back that coward that hits her and drugs etc.. I truly hope she gets the proper help that she needs for her and the kids sake.

[our little treasures]

I am a step child.

The step-monster made it perfectly clear that her bio children came first, second third and fourth before my Dad's kids. Even the dog was fed before me as I got older.

I didn't have a mother around - there was just the monster, and my week kneed lily livered father.

I blamed myself growing up - I obviously wasn't lovable enough.

Even my father betrayed me, and let her walk all over us. She beat us and humilated us. She tormented us and deprived us.

As I though about it over the years, I realised that I was the child inthe relationship and it wasn't my fault

She was the adult and it was all of her fault, and my father's.

My honest feelings are that all children should be loved equally. There can be NO firsts, none of this "My flesh and blood".

A partner that has children is a packaged arrangment. If you can't love and treat the children equally - then don't go down that path.

I am sorry if I sound harsh, but I come from the other side of a step parent/child relationship

:hugs:Oh thats is terrible:(

I don't have step children but I always wondered if I did would I love them as if they were my own. I think if I didn't have children I would if I had my own children I don't think I would.

[SimplyMum]

I don't think you can compare. Every situation is so very different. It's like comparing red lady apples and granny smith apples- sure there all apples but very different ones.

Also, please people be careful that you're not letting any of your chldn see that there is 'different' love. I come from the bio kids who saw my step-sister (we always saw her as our sister) be treated unfairly by our bio Dad and it still breaks my heart. It affects us now more than my sis- not directly but very much felt indirectly.

[Ashleigh<3]

Every tuesday WE have to call HER so that the kids can talk to her for as long as they like... 90% of the time she is high and off with the fairies and doesn't care or probably even know what the kids are saying to her. more often then not, it is her family that speaks to the kids coz she doesn't know what to say to them.

Sorry, I confused myself with my post too.
That is not what I was for.

Obviously if their biological Mother is a hardcore drug addict and allows her children to be subjected to such danger- I would not approve of them living with her.
I was meaning Biological Mothers who are perfectly capable and willing to Mother.
(No obstacles such as drugs or violence).

As for this part:


. my step children's biological mum doe snot deserve to see her children let alone have a bond with them.

This is where I disagree, I'm sorry but I believe all children deserve to know who their Mothers are, if a bond can be had it will be had.

You cannot break a Mothers bond just because you don't approve of her ways a bond is more spiritual and it is beyond anyone else's control, that Mother has it deep inside her, she gave birth to those kids and they are still her kids, she may be terribly messed up and obviously in dire need help but just because she is messed up doesn't mean she loves her children any less. Drugs just mess people up, it's a horrible routine and you do need help in order to fight it.

I've heard of plentiful women who have been drug addicts whilst having kids and they have beaten their addiction for themselves and for their kids. A mothers bond can predominately prevail.

My Aunt was never around for her first child, (too messed up), but once she became un-messed up, her love for her child prevailed, she went on to have twins and she loved them just as much as she loved her first, she was just more aware this time round.

But yes you are right, every situation is different so I can't really comment on your own personal issue.
I do however think it's a beautiful thing that you are protecting this kids from harm, you're a fantastic Mother for putting them first and showing them such virtuous ways.

[SimplyMum]

I've heard of plentiful women who have been drug addicts whilst having kids and they have beaten their addiction for themselves and for their kids. A mothers bond can predominately prevail.


I'd have to agree. You'd be surprised what the love of your child can do. Before becoming pregnant I was an addict- when I found out I was pregnant well that put a stop to that quick smart. I went through withdrawlas while being pregnant (hardest thing I've ever done) I am now working, studying, living on my own with DS and seeing someone.

Although, I don't think someone that uses drugs recreationally should be allowed to have non-supurvised contact with their children until they sort out their health. It doesn't matter whether your currently using or not- being an addict can affect your choices- perhaps even more so when your not on something!

[siansmum]

My husband has two daughters from his previous marriage and we now have a daughter who is 17 months old. I have never referred to my husband's girls as my step-daughters and I don't refer to myself as their step-mum. They are my husband's children and I'm their dad's wife, and when people ask how many children I have, I tell them that I have one daughter. I have to be totally honest and say that I don't love my husband's two girls at all. I look after them and provide for them, but my daughter will ALWAYS come first. I know it's hard for people to hear this, but the reality is that when you marry someone with children, you fall in love with the man, not his children. If you do happen to learn to love the kids, the it's a bonus, but I can't ever see myself loving his girls. After three and a half years, too much water has gone under the bridge. Having said all this, I am also under no illusions as to how they fee about me. I know they don't love me and I don't ever expect them to. I'm not their mum and I don't have that bond with them that their mum does. I have to say - to all of you girls out there who do love our step kids - well done and I admire you. You're better women than me!

[charlen49]

My brother has a step child and one of his own, and he says he honestly feels exactly the same way about both. He has both of their names tatooed on his chest. He has raised his step child since he was 1 year old though, maybe that makes a difference. From where I stand it is pretty clear how inlove he is with his DSS.


I think it's dependable on individual circumstances.

.


I don't think you can compare. Every situation is so very different. It's like comparing red lady apples and granny smith apples- sure there all apples but very different ones.

. i definately agree that it depends on the circumstances.

I grew up in a blended family. My biological father wasnt around because he died when i was 5 and left my my mother with 2 young children. My mother met and fell inlove with my'father' a few a few years later and had 2 more children. I have never considered him my 'step-dad' or have ever called him that and vice versa to his older two 'non bio' kids. When we were all growing up we were all treated equal..what one got the others got. On a rare occasion i remember some one said are they your 'step sisters' or '1/2 sisters' and i said no they are my sisters and he is my dad ! I am now in a situation where i have 2 daughters but the father of my second is not that of my first. He treats her well and thinks of her when making decisions. He has known her for 5yrs now. But this is entirely different set up to what i grew up in. They still address each other by first names and even though they care for each other..they have never hugged or anything like that.. and i think thats due to the fact that dd#1 is now 11 and df did not know her from when she was little. Anyhow i agree that all circumstances are different.

[mellyg]

After another thread go me scared as to what my DF actually thought of my children, DS 12 and DD1 9 from another marriage, I spoke to him last night about it all and he said that of course he loves our DD 1yr, unconditionally and with all his heart as she is his child.. But he does still also love my other two children, he just chooses to love them, and in a different way which is only natural.. But he did say that he would do anything for them still and he realised when we got together that they are a part of me so if he was to become a part of our family that the children would have to become his friends also.. that does not make much sense but I hope you understand what I mean LOL.. I think I have a fantastic man there and we have a great blended family :yes:

[Shanaynay]

Do you think the age of the children when they came into your lives is a big factor?

I can imagine, that acquiring a step-child under the age of say, 5 years old, it would be easier to 'love' them than say, older children or teenagers.....
Does anyone think that would have something to do with it?

[Jo_Jo]

I agree in some circumstances when the kids are toddlers or they don,t have the other bio parent around it would be easier for a step parent to make a place for themselves! The thing is kids are kids and wheather or not you label yourself as there step parent or parent you are still going to be an influence, guardian, mentor and friend and just like parents an enemy at some points when these toddlers become teens!
I know when my partner is asked how many children he or we have he says 3 and trying for 1 more to make it even..lol in the begining of our relationship the first 3 years we had some hard times he had problems with understanding why kids act a certain way and was just not patient and wanted things done his way! but we got over that hurdle and even though the older kids see there bio dad from time to time they know there step dad has been the provider, reliable and he was the one that watched them at sport he was the one that came to the doctors when they have been sick and never made excuses not to.
One thing for sure this journey of blendied familys is the biggest rollar coaster ride you can take in your life but in the end us adults are the ones that mould these kids into good people does not matter if parent or step parent!

[cherrypip]

i do not love my stepson like i love my daughters he has his own mother for that i do howeva love him as my daughters brother and my husbands son.

[kas3]

I think the presence/absence of the other bio-parent is a big factor in determining how close a step-parent and child are. The age of the child is also a biggie. I think being a step-parent is the hardest job ever. And I have the greatest admiration for people who take it on. I couldn't do it.

[KCAM8]

I am now a single parent, i am unable to see my ex's daughter whom i loved and adored and put even before our own daughter so she felt comfortable around the new baby, i cry every night as i miss my dsd so much, i love my baby the same but the fact that i have no control over seeing my ex's daughter and no say breaks my heart. It has ripped my heart out knowing i will not see her again and pick her up from school and laugh with her - whether step child , or your own they are children that need love and nurturing and perhaps if you tried thinking that there maybe a reason why the universe (i dont believe in god by the way) has allowed you to be part of these childrens lives you might appreciate them more, perhaps they need more love than they are getting from the parents they have - i dont mean to sound nasty or anything, i know it is trying and hard to cope with having step children, but honestly you dont know what youve got till its gone - if i knew how hard it was going to be to not see my step daughter again i would of stayed in the abusive relationship and put up with it just to see her on the occassions that i did.

[alphafemale2901]

Whilst I care a lot about my SS and have a pretty easy relationship with him, I have never asserted that I feel love or affection for him. I feel a sense of obligation towards him and I treat him with respect, dignity and fairness.

The feelings I have towards my own kids are beyond comparrison to all other kids, including my SS.

[rainbow road]

My 'dad' has been in my life since I was 8 and I think I can honestly say he loves me as much as he does my 3 brothers. I am his only daughter and he would go to the ends of the earth to make sure I'm okay. He has called me 'daught' since I can remember and I have never once felt as if he loves me less or differently to my brothers. I think I am very lucky after reading this thread.

Whilst I love my mother in a way only a daughter can, I would say I have an equal amount of love for my dad as well, even though we only met 11 years ago.

My bio-dad was never in the picture. I love all chidren so so much. I would hope if I was ever in a relationship which involved step children I could love them as unconditiionally as my dad loves me.