Newly single parents with babies

[nick's mum]

I'm 28 and was in a 'committed' (4 1/2 year) marriage (together for 9 years)and the pregnancy was very much planned by both of us. When my son was 3 months old our marriage brokedown and while there were reasons other than the baby for our separation, my son's Father (and family) are not interested in having contact. This would be more understandable (not justifiable though) if his father was young (teens/early 20's) or if baby was unplanned or if we weren't in a relationship for very long, but none of the above apply - he is just really selfish & immature. Is there eanyone else in a similar situation????

[Skadi]

I was 4.5 months pregnant when my partner left me. My son is now 5.5 months old.

[nick's mum]

Thanks for your reply Skadi. We're you in a long term relationship (married/defacto) with your bub's father at the time and was the baby planned? I sympathise with your situation but I'm feeling alone in that I did everything the "right" way with my (then) life long partner - who just didn't cope with the change. :confused:

Do you have family to help you? I hope you didn't have to go through the birth alone.

[Jimmyjones]

Your not alone matey, you did the right thing in everyway. It's the father's loss that he doesn't want to be a part of something so wonderful as a child. It's sad that after 9 yrs together he couldn't share his love between you and his son. For the family that's just awful it's like they are taking it out on your son and children just don't understand what goes on.

My husband walked out of his past relationship when his son was one year old due to differences with his partner but he has always had dealings with his son. We have been married for 3 years and I was nervous about having a baby with him but he has a totally different out look now.

Hope things get better for you

KT :)

[Skadi]

We had been together for almost two years and yes our son was planned.

[nick's mum]

Sorry to hear that Skadi - I hope you are doing okay now and that you have family support.

[nick's mum]

Huge change for me. Ex-hubby & father of my son contacted me for the first time in over 3 months. He has apologised and is acknowledging what happened and now regrets it and says he wants us back. I know that we both have a lot to figure out as individuals before even considering another relationship with each other or someone else. I can give him a chance to be the Dad that his son deserves :) but think he is asking to much of me to expect more. I was badly hurt and although I think I can forgive, it doesn't restore trust - essential for any healthy relationship. Why is life (& love) so difficult? :confused:

[mumof2girls]

Hi nick'smum

I think you are making the right choice by not going back into a relationship with your ex-hubby, as you said you can forgive but trust will always be an issue with you and it wouldn't be worth the grief of not having the trust, which all relationships need.

It's hard when you love someone for so long and then things go wrong, but you sound like a strong person who can deal with it and the most important things in your life at the moment are your son and yourself and that's what you need to be taking care of :)

I hope for your son's sake that he is a great dad and spends a lot of quality time with him and is around to watch him grow up!

Good luck with whatever you choose to do, I wish you the best of luck! :)

[lilizzysmommy]

I am 20 and I have been in a relationship with may partner for almost 3 years. We used to be very happy but the things just started fo slowly fall appart as he is 10yrs older than me and I was still a tenager when we first met and altho i never cheated on him, I did stray a little as he is my first serious b'friend and I didn't have much comprehention of what a real realationship is like. but that was in the first few weeks of our realitionship. Now I'm a lot older and wiser and we have a beautiful baby girl whos turning one this weekend. I don't know what to do because altho I love him very much we just don't seem to get along anymore, we fight everyday and I have been wanting to leave for quite a while now, I think everything just went too fast for us and I really dint' have enough time to find my self, as I met him a few months after I left home. One day had a fight and I found out that he put a profile on a couple of single websites and when he discribed what kind of person he is looking for I realized that he wants everything oposite of what I am. I forgave him and he knows better than to do it again cos I know quite a bit about computer and I will know if he does it again, but when I look at him I know in my heart that the only reason why we are together is because we were both from broken families and we don't want that for our child, I know in my heart I don't belong here and I'm not for him, This is as good as our realtionship will ever get, no prospects of marriage or more kids and Im afarid that when she leaves we would have nothing to keep us together and I would have wasted all the best years of my life not doing better for my self. Im affraid love alone is not enough...

[nick's mum]

Hi Lillizzysmommy
As difficult as it may be, you can't deny yourself the opportunity to find out who you really are and it may mean some time out of your relationship to figure that out. If you are really meant to be together then you will find your way back to each other and you will always have some kind of parenting relationship. It is worse for a child to live in an unhappy home than to live in a 'broken' home with two happy, fulfilled, self-confident parents. I'm 28 and both my ex and myself are just discovering that we forgot to find out who we are as individuals, which is probably the main reason our marriage fell apart. You will know in your heart what is right for you. Regardless of what you decide with your relationship, make sure you are true to yourself. The best parents are those who are happy in themselves. :)

[lilizzysmommy]

Thanks nick's mom, i Know, and the more the days goes by, the more I think this is not going to work out...we are just at two very different points in our lives, I gave almost everything up for my family...he takes on more and more, and always puts me last...I don't see why I should be with someone who is not willing to compromise and dedicate a bit of his time with his family. I'm truly sick of hearing the words, next time, I promise next time. is like he wants to keep his single life but he doen't realize his about to loose the people who love him the most. his family

[mummyof2angels]

I'm 19 and i have 2 children and my ex fiance left me while i was in hospital ... i had my little girl 3 weeks later but me and my fiance were together for 18mths and engaged and then i came home to a completely empty house ... i had nothing neither did my 2yr old son ... not even a bed to sleep on... he still comes over 3 days a week to see Talisha ... still to this day i have no idea why he moved out ... i'm happy now that he left cause i would have lost both my children cause of him being a alcohalic and always abusing me or my son ... i just was too scared to leave him ... but anyway i'm coping as best as i can now and trying to put the past behind me and get on with my life even if Talisha's dad does come over i know in my mind he is only here to see his daughter that is it.

[Willow]

:) I am a single mum.... My partener and I planned our baby and our lives - as you tend to do! - then went on holidays 2 weeks after we found out about our pregnancy... that was the last I heard of him... ...well, he contacted me when I was 7 months along but I didn't think he would be a positive influence in our lives so I told him to shove off.

I was devastated and spent most of my pregnancy crying and asking why. Also feeling so guilty that I wasn't giving my baby happy vibes etc. But we survived, and he is a beautiful child :) and things have worked out.

Any ways, cheers for us single parents!!!! :D

[Lucybelle]

You guys had it really tough lately, I hope you start to feel more positive soon. It ain't over yet girls, start to concentrate on YOU.

One thing I have learned is that love alone DEFINITLEY is not enough - there is far more to it.
I left my husband about 2 yrs ago and it was the best and the hardest decision I ever made. On the outside we were perfect - house, good cars, kids, holidays - he was way better at housework than me, good worker etc etc. But it was so empty - we did love each other and I cared about him deeply, but he treated me badly. He lied and just had no respect for me or things dear to me. It always had to be his way OR else he sulked and drank .BORING. We had everything we wanted except for a future.
I left with hardly a thing and my settlement was pretty crappy (which has made it hard for me financially - much to the exHs glee), but I am HAPPY.

I have a new partner and baby - our telly is older than me, the fridge needs replacing, the video is broken - but I come home from work to a genuine smile and a cup of tea ready, we are laughing all the time, I can feel every day how much I am loved without needing to hear it. I am thanked all the time for giving him a son, and I can freely express myself back to him without fear of being hurt.

I am sorry to go on, but come ladies - we have one life to live, surely it can't be spent wondering WHAT IF? When one door closes - another 3 open up. Don't think about the negatives of leaving a (crappy) relationship, think of the HUGE upsides!! Freedom and choice, being guilt free for a change.
You can do it.

[Elijahs_Mum]

I am only a new single mum with a 11 week old bubba. I am doing ok but I am wanting to get out of the house alot more. It is just so stuffy in here and well Elijah is so much more well behaved when we are out. I am breast feeding still to so yeah oh bugger he is awake hungry little bugger

[nick's mum]

Lucybelle you almost described my marriage exactly. We had the nice new house, brand new cars (I rarely drove his), he was better at housework and things had to be kept 'perfect' (obsessive compulsive). I am now guilt free about how I choose to spend money and clean the house and if my child's toys are all over the floor or his high chair is a mess - so what?!? :p
Then my ex (separated 5 months, not divorced yet) contacted me. Apologised for everything, said money doesn't matter anymore and that he no longer wants everything perfect and he wants to try again. I told him I still need time to figure myself out and he needs to show me that he's grown up. He has agreed to everything I've asked and added a few things of his own (which really surprise me in a positive way). He seems to have had a 180 degree attitude change. He is going to spend regular time with me and our son and wants to go to counselling for as long as it takes - at his expense!
I am completely confused :confused: as I had accepted our split and was excited about my future (independent plans) ....but I still love him. He says he doesn't want to prevent me from being/doing what I want in life and encourages my independence, but wants to be a husband and father. I like the idea of us being a family and I want to believe every word...and I believe he means every word...but I don't know if he is capable of putting his words into actions. I'm giving him the opportunity to show me but I feel like I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. I want to see if it is possible but I want to get off this emotional rollercoaster. :( Anyone have any advice?

[sarai]

Hey girl, I am sorry to hear about your anxiety in this relationship. I am going through the same thing, except my life didn't have the same luxuries yours did (house, cars, ect.) My fiance and I have a 3 yr. old son, and had been together for a little over 4 yrs. I broke it off with him just a week ago because of the broken promises, the little effort, and lack of follow-through in our goals as a family. This is the 3rd time and probably last time we have broken up! He always says these wonderful things in attempts to get me back, and I would love to believe him so I try again. This time around I am not! I think he is beginning to get the picture that its over. Its so painful because he loves me and I love him, but we move in different paces.
What are the reasons that you and your hubby broke it off? Mine were that he doesn't save money, work with creditors to eventually get a house, and we never go on trips that we have talked about hundreds of times. I also have begun to wonder if he has a drug problem because he went through 700 hundred dollars and "doesn't know where the money went."
I know how you feel though, you get excited about a new life and don't want to be dissapointed again by hopping back on the emotional rollercoaster! Thats me exactly! Only this time, as I told him, the only possible way I would go back into a relationship is if things ARE different, not on what MIGHT be different.
Luckily, I have a very supportive family, but at the same time it sucks living at home! LOL
Take care, Sarai

[polony]

Hi there,

I am really sorry to hear about your situation. I know how hard it is. I have a 2 week old, and the father has up and left. He decided to up and leave from the beginning I think but kept saying that he was going to hang around and support the child blah blah blah.

The thing that gets to me is he is saying to everyone how wonderful fatherhood is and is celebrating with friends etc. He has only seen my daughter for a total of 2 hours of her life!

The thing that keeps me going, and should keep you going too, is that you have an unlimited supply of love to give this child, and you should use all your energy and time focusing on the child, and not on the father. Many children these days are born into single parent families and grow up to be well-adjusted people who are more likely to be happier growing up in their situation than if they were raised in an unhappy or "forced family" situation where the dad just didn't want to be there....

Yes, I get really angry sometimes, and yes I get so frustrated and think the whole situation is so totally unfair, but then I remember that I am the lucky one who gets to be a part of my little ones life and she in mine. The father is missing out and that is just too bad. The fact that he doesn't even realise makes it worse, but that is their own problem - NOT YOURS!

I am only 25. I have not even gotten my degree yet. I don't own a house, nor earn enough money to even come close to purchasing one. I struggle with money. But I have a happy, healthy baby who I am only just getting used to and I wouldn't have it any other way. Try and think of all the good things you have in life rather than on what you may not have. I hope this helps just a little... :o

Good luck!

[kailensmum]

Hi Everyone,
Yep, another single mum. Only difference is I gave him the boot 1 month before my son was born. This one thought he could lie and get away with it. Wrong. He would tell me he was working away and would only be home once a week. Stoopid bloke. Mobile phone bill was in my name!! Many other reasons including being unfaithful. There was almost a huge carpark brawl between my family and his at the hospital. What makes it worse is that his mother is very manipulative, and niether of them can accept that it's over. He won't come and see his son because he can't have me back. After 7.5 years I have woken up to myself and realised that the only person he gives a damn about is himself. I have moved back to my parents home, which was hard on the old pride at first. But I don't regret a thing and I couldn't have coped without my mum and dad. I go back to work in 5 weeks and I can't wait. Independant again!! My life is now for me and my son, and no fella is going to change that.

[kamckellar]

I Left My Husband When My Boys Were 3 And 1 Year Old.we'd Been Together For 10 Years Married For 4.he Wouldnt Stand By Me Thru My Last Miscarriage As He Had Extra Marital Affairs To Take Care Of.i Was 12 Weeks Preg With Twins And Id Lost One Of Them At 10 Weeks And Then The Other 2 Weeks Later.i Drove My Self To The Hospital For A D&c.i Left Him 1 Week Before Xmas.move Along Six Months.......id Moved Back To Mums With My Boys,got A Job,and Met A Nice Guy....wrong....mr Nice Was An Assistant Manager Of A Store And He Stole Goods And Money Which I Found Out About.i Moved Into A Rental And He Followed.when I Found Out I Was Preg Again With Twins I Really Thought Id M/c Again So Just Got On With Life.when 3 Months Preg I Booted Him Out.his Stealing Landed Him Fired And Wanted By The Police.i Wanted No Part Of It.he Told Me The Twins Werent His And Not To Put His Name On The Birth Certificates.so My Girls Go By My Married Name.so Its Just Me And My 4 Grubs.i Bought A House Last Year That Im Slowly Doing Up And We Are Happy.my Kids Are Loved And Appreciated.i Do Miss Having A Man Around At Times But My Independance Is So Strong.i Never Thought Id Cope.but I Have.the Early Days Were Rough But We Got Thru.any Of You's Above Will And Can Too.theres A Light At The End Of The Tunnel And Im Lucky To Have Found Mine.

[sarai]

It is great to finally find a web-board of single mothers who can speak about their exes, the hardships, etc.
I am also 25, not yet finished with my degree in elementary education, living at home with my awesome parents and sister, yet I feel so much better than living with my ex! I feel like a free bird and although I know my son can sense things are different, he is gradually getting used to things.
Luckily my ex loves our son and takes him to spend the night a few times a week, but its like he still calls me everyday to talk about some business or other, and I'm sure he still doesn't believe its over =)
Well, good luck to everyone out there and stay strong and stubborn for YOU!
Amen!
~Sarah

[Lucybelle]

Nick's Mum
It's SO hard when they start telling you what you want and NEED to hear isn't it? How do you know if they mean it??? OR if they can even maintain it???

I left stupid ex, and he actually stopped drinking for a whole year (mind you, in this time I had bubs to someone ELSE - long story), kept wanting me back, saying all the right things etc etc. There were certainly times when I started to question whether I moved out too quickly, or if I didn't give him a chance to prove himself.

Well he certainly proved himself when last month he sold our house without telling me. WHAT AN *******, and how glad am I that it has now been proved that it was not the drink....he was a prick all on his own. But he had me going for a year.

Give it time - and observe what he is like and see if he is willing to change with or without you.

To all you other ladies - I CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT A PACK OF ******** YOU HAVE HAD TO DEAL WITH. It breaks my heart reading these posts.
It can be lonely sometimes and hard with a tiny baby too, I would say good luck to you all, but you don't need it. You are all tougher than you think, and setting a fantastic example for your own children. xxxoooo

[sarai]

Hey mums out there =) I have a 3yr old son and we too rushed into things. I finally broke up with him for the last time and I am ready to find out myself and stuff like that. I'm 25 now, but I met my ex when I was 21, then 3 months later I was pregnant!
Gotta go, but its so awesome to be able to hear from so many similar situations!
~Sarah