Ex Wife is a horrid mother

[Mumma_al]

Hi Everyone,

Before I start, Im in no way having a go at any of you ex-wives or ex-partners out there. This is soley about my Dh's Ex Wife. I also hope i dont sound like the crazy step mum

My Dh and I have Sole custody of Dh's and his ex's 2 Boys (8 + 10), there mother has visitation rights and has them every 2nd weekend. I have a wonderful loving relationship with the boys, and love them like they are mine own, in return the Boys call me mum.

The boys hate going to there mothers, They tell DH and I that she's hitting them, Yelling at them etc. We have called DOCS, taken the eldest one to therapy because of her.. etc for many yrs now. They come home from her house sick, with ring worm and the latest head lice. (yes i know they prob. got that from school) The idiot shaved there heads bald instead of using a lice shampoo and comb.

I am at my wits end with this woman, I can not understand how any parent, especially a mother can do this to her children. We cant afford to take her back to court. we are still paying off the Thousands of $$$$ we owe from years ago when we went to court.

Help..... what can i do for the kids

[pegasus]

Hi Mumma_al

Just want you to know you're not alone. I've had issues with my DSkid's biomum since I first met DH. It started out with abusive phone calls to me (at all hours of the day), and oh yeah - the assault charge I placed on her the first time I met her. I knew before I met her that I'd only heard my DH's side of the story, but while I gave her a chance - she proved all he'd told me about her was true. She is abusive (both physically and psychologically to all she meets). I worry about my step kids, but we know that it would be a huge issue to try for custody. I first became involved with their father when they were 2 and 4, but now they are 13 and 11. Over time, they have witnessed a lot they shouldn't - what sort of mother takes her 9?year old daughter to visit a friend in hospital who's there due to a stroke from a drug overdose, when she doesn't work and could have gone to visit her friend when the kids were at school. Maybe the visit wasn't wrong - but did my DSD need to know the stroke was due to a OD. There is so much more, and probably what we know is the tip of the iceberg.

When I first met my step kids I tried to do everything to help them - I'm forever preaching that violence and putdowns are wrong in every instance. However at some stage DH and I had to take the reins of our relationship and we went interstate for 2years so we could start our family. There's still a lot of issues and we still do what we can, but now we have two children who stay with us during holidays and every fortnight, but have been raised with completely different values to us, so we see a lot issues related to this. You still do what you can.

I realise this is quite different to your situation, but we have looked into custody and at the end of the day (sorry if this sounds selfish) for the fight it would cost us and the detriment to our family (DS and new bubba), it wouldn't be right. Considering there may be a good chance we wouldn't get full custody. I just keep diaries (with a lot of damning evidence - things like when their mum pushed a boyfriend through a window and the kids witnessed this), and keep them for the day (that may never come) when the kids ask. Bottom line is the kids are smart - they've witnessed a lot of incidences and all we can do is try to show them there's another way to deal with problems...and to help them be strong.

How long have you known the kids?

[Mumma_al]

your story is ver similar to mine. The boys mother does drugs and drinks. She set the house on fire while she was smoking pot.

Ive known the boys since 3 + 5 yrs. durring that time she's been abusive to me too. She told a heap of lies to her solicitor about me, i got a nasty letters in the mail saying i'd done all these horrible things to her, which i can easily prove i didnt. I swear she is a compulsive liar, she believe her own lies.

i dont care what she does to me or DH but why her kids?

[ellagracesmummy]

I can sympathise with you all. I used to go and pick up my 3 year old stepson from his mothers house 4 times a week when it was our turn to have him. Some days I was her best friend, other days she'd hurl abuse at me cos she'd had a bad day. Although I must admit, she wasnt a bad mother to him. Anyway, 2 years ago I went to pick him up as per normal and I waited and waited for her not to show up. I tried phoning her but no answer, so my husband phoned her friend, to be told that she had left the country with his 3 year old boy and wasn;t coming back. I have never seen anyones heart break as much as my husbands did that day. Well that was over 2 years ago and we haven't seen or heard from them since.

Every day is a struggle for my husband. He misses his 'baby boy' so much. We have just had a little girl - Ella, shes nearly 6 months old and he absolutley adores her, and I believe in time that his son will come back and want to live with us. Even if it is 10 years done the track, there'll always be a place in our family for him.

[Blessed Mum]

I am with pegasus all the way and I think it was her who gave me the invaluable advice not too long ago about putting my children first & our family unit. We are little luckier than you guys in that DH's children to his ex are now 15 & 17 respectively :yelclap: and it has eased things a lot as they are cutting bio mum out of their contact with their dad and us but it is one of the trickiest situations to be in and the most frustrating. I really feel for you and DH & I only said the other night how nice it is (peace & quiet) and enjoying our two children without all of the other drama ( which probably sounds selfish too). We are here for DSS & DSD but we are not doormats any longer.

Hope it improves for you guys soon.

Tara

[Blessed Mum]

ellagracesmummy that is a terrible thing for her to have done. I feel for your husband and you. I'm so glad he is enjoying being a daddy again. I know what you mean about watching DH's heart break - I too have had to watch that a number of times over the years but thank goodness the children were never taken out of the country.

I'm sure your husbands son will return to you guys oneday soon.

[pegasus]

I agree about the - what about the kids? I couldn't believe that when I met DH - all of his family were (and are still scared of her). She'll only speak to me - I'm the only one that can see the big picture (I think) that we have to do what we can for the kids. DH's family get too scared of her, and DH doesn't want to "give in to her". So when she asks him to call the kids - he doesn't want to. I end up telling him he has to as it's not about her controlling him anymore (let her think she is) it's about trying to do the best thing for the kids.

I actually do think this woman has a psychiatric condition - she has asked us to take the kids before as she can't cope (usually just after a breakup) and has told the kids that she's sick enough to be in hospital. My DH thinks she's on drugs and it wouldn't surprise me, but saddens me that the kids are exposed to all this. She lies, manipulates and is violent. (She actually reminds me a bit of the mum in yesterday's Dr Phil, sorry bit off track but about a woman who is abusive, but justifies it by saying that she was abused).

I also have my theories about why she is like she is, and part of it is her background - she was adopted, but the theory goes that she was adopted by her grandmother. The family knows there is a sister in an institution in England, but noone talks about her, all of her brothers are about 15 years older than her and the biggie - her mother has told my MIL that her daughter has met her biologicalmum but doesn't know it. Sort of would explain why she is how she is, how about your DH's ex? I excuse my DH's judgement by the fact that he was 18when he met her and only knew her 5weeks when she told him she was pregnant.

[pegasus]

Oh ellagracesmum I feel for you and your hubby.

Each day I watch my hubby grow closer to our DS and our new bubba. It's such a sad reality about the other two and we get so frustrated with not knowing if we do the right thing by moving on with our lives. We basically just let them choose these days more when they stay with us (they still come fortnightly and DSS decided to stay with us for 3weeks during the last holidays). My DH thinks they'll choose to come less, but may choose to see us more when they're older. It puts our family in a lot of limbo land, but as much as I feel for the children, I was just thinking last week, that a lot of this was their mother's choice. She chose to get pregnant (so it seems while a lot of her friends were pregnant), while telling DH that she was on the pill. She chose to start claiming she was a single parent 2months after DSD was born (we found this out when DH started paying maintenance when they properly split up). She chose not to give them DH's name - all of this doesn't bode well for the fact that she was planning a longterm daddy relationship with her kids. She has also had 5 live in boyfriends since breaking up with DH and some of those she's had the kids call dad. She had her chance when she was with him for about 4years and she screwed it up - not me (I only came on the scene 10months later), not the kids, DH would've done anything for those kids. So my theory now is that I shouldn't feel guilty now for the fact that DH tells me that he feels closer to our two already when we planned from conception to now and we continue to share in the parenting in all of the senses.

[Mumma_al]

Gee all your stories sound so familiar.

Dh's Ex ran off with a married man (which is why they split) she deliberalty got herself pregnant to him, to keep his money. AND tried to pass it off as being My DH's baby while she was pregnant to break us up.

When She found out that I was preggers, she stalked me.. she'd turn up at the kids school to find me when i was picking them up and would be waiting at my car to ask me questions about the baby. Some how she found out that I had cancer a few yrs ago and was told i'd never had children (So naturally falling pregnant with my 1st, this was my miracle baby) got me beat how she found this out.

I feel so sorry for all these poor kids, they are so innocent. they dont deserve that kind of treatment. DOCS really needs to get there act together. When we called them, many a time cos the kids where coming home with bruises. they told us they wouldnt do anything usless they had more than atleast 5 occasions where they where badly injured. WHAT THE!!!!!!!!!!

[mumoftwoboys2005]

Some women aren't fit to be mothers and unfortunately it's the kids that suffer. My DH ex fiance got a letter from Social Circus stating that she had to get a job or they would be cutting her benefits. 6 weeks later she's pregnant! DH was over the moon. DSS was about 2 months old when she decided (with her mothers help of course) the my DH wasn't good enough to be this little boys father. :thumbsdown: She moved back home with Mummy and spends her days going to bingo and smoking/drinking with the money that we pay in Child Support. I know what it is like to see your DH heart break as mine had it done to him. She rang him at work one day out of the blue as she has never organised to let him see this boy. He was 2 years old at the time, DH and I were married and expecting DS#1. He rang me at work to say she had rung and was it ok with me if he went there. Of course it was, did he think I would say no? He rode his bike from work to her place (15km) and knocked on the door for 15 minutes. After this time, with no answer, he got back on his bike to ride home. Whilst putting his helmet on, she throws the door open, shoves the child outside and screams "This is the last time you will ever see your son again!!!" and then drags him screaming inside the house. The girl is a psycho.

I checked up as to whether we could get full custody of him as she has made no attempt to look after him properly. He could not even speak clearly when he started school, he just grunted. Thank goodness that is better, but she doesn't get his hair cut, decent clothes etc. I am the same in that we can't afford to fight this girl only to lose out and then have to pay the lawyers fees etc. I feel now that one day I am going to have a very angry young man at my doorstep demanding to know why his father doesn't love him, because I don't know what lies she is filling his head with. :(

The sad thing is that he has 2 younger step brothers (our 2 boys) who know about him and DS#1 would love to meet him. He keeps asking all the time and I just don't know what to say. :(

[Starlet]

Wow...it seems that we're all in a similar situation here!!

My partner's ex is a complete psycho. Her house is absolutely filthy, the kids come to us and they STINK, they're dirty and boy have they got attitude. I used to live on the same street as them(my partner and I have known each other for YEARS before he had even met her). And the couple living across the road from her were complaining about her yelling at these kids everytime Matt would go to work. We're talking about a newborn and a 15 month old. What reason has she got to go off her face at them and call them little *****es.

We have the girls 2-3 days a week. It's not enough for her. But she won't give them up because she will lose her centrelink and child support. We've. She can't even appreciate the fact that we have her DD1, who isn't even Matt's child!!

I know for a fact that she has been around on a few message boards and saying vicious things about DP and I. Real mature.

This morning we went to drop off her child support money and she went off her nut because DP wanted her to sign a receipt book!! And the kids were covered head to toe in CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM. At 10 o'clock in the morning!! And complains that they don't sleep.

Apparently any bad behaviour is my fault. Pfft. Right. I'm the one who gets up at 5am ready for the day because the kids are up. She leaves them screaming in their room until she can be bothered to get out of bed at 9.30 - 10am.


Grrrr....some women...I tell ya! :banghead:

[pegasus]

I sort of wonder what some of these mums are going to do with the new parenting payment rules. My stepkids mum has never had a job and her only income for the last 13years has been single parent pension (although she's only been without a partner living with her for about 2-4weeks ever - don't forget I said I keep a diary), and the maintenance DH pays. With the new rules, as DSS is over 6 she should have to get a 15hr a week job (but not until July 2007 - to allow her 12months to find one).

I'm not saying this so any SAHM thinks I'm on a rampage about getting benefits or whatever, however, my rant is directed more at the ex as when my son was 6weeks old - she told me to go back to work:eek: This from a woman who has never worked - and without my income, funnily enough things were really tough for us - she was getting more money in her hand than DH and I combined! There have been times she's talked about us having the kids more, then the next week, we're to have nothing to do with them. Sort of makes me think a fair bit of it is to do with the power over us (who pay her), and the fact that without the kids she probably would have to find a job (or a rich partner). Okay - I've already ranted about this elsewhere - but she's the type to pawn her son's playstation (he thinks it's coming back).