Would you want to meet your birth mum [Archive] - Bub Hub Pregnancy & Parenting Forum

Fuchsia!

05-10-2007, 21:08

i don't think i could answer that cause i wouldn't know how it would feel being adopted. But i would think i would want to know her. See what she is like and definantly find out why she gave me up for adoption.

My mum gave a baby up for adoption when she was 16 and i always wonder if he will ever come searching for us or if he's happy not knowing

catalicious

05-10-2007, 21:14

TBH i wouldnt want to find her........

If she wanted to talk to me Id probably hear her out but I dont think id want to know her....

Same goes for dad....

My family I have now love me and have raised me so I am content just knowing them.....

In saying that though i do understand why youd want to meet her..

Iv had a friend who was adopted and she wrote to her mum and they are good friends now..

FishFace

05-10-2007, 21:17

Yes I would.

I was not adopted BUT I never knew my real father, I had a stepdad.

But I wrote to my real father and nwo we have a great relationship.

once i waded through his mountains of guilt, things went well.

mum_inlove

05-10-2007, 21:22

SassyMummy

05-10-2007, 21:26

I know both my birth parents, so I can only answer hypothetically.

I think I WOULD want to meet my birth parents... because I'm very curious and want to know everything. I'd want to know who I looked like, where I got my skills/talents etc. I'd want to know about how I was born, and I think I'd just have a billion questions (like why I was put up for adoption).

I can't tell you if I'd feel angry at them, or feel sorry for them, or just REALLY REALLY want to meet them and start a relationship or not... but I think I'd like to meet them.

I'd also like to meet them so I could see if I had any siblings or anything.

Hypothetically though, as I said.

FishFace

05-10-2007, 21:28

Oh Sassymummy made me think of the BEST bit about finding my dad.

I found brothers and aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents!

Alekay

05-10-2007, 21:34

mum_inlove

05-10-2007, 21:36

I found brothers and aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents!

Yep, I have to agree on that part. When I found out about my dad, I also found out that I have younger twin brothers, who knew about me for a long time, and a younger sister. It sounds weird, but I love them to bits and we have a great relationships. Hopefully one day, I would have that feeling wanting to meet my dad and see how we go from there.

busymummyof4

06-10-2007, 21:09

Wow Muminlove that's spooky reading for me. I dont know my dad. I've had lots of wonderings. But I have twin boys now (you have twin brothers) and that puzzles me even more. Maybe they came from his side - like he was a twin and because sometimes it skips a generation and all that, maybe thats how I got twins. Not that that side of things matters too much, but it certainly makes me curious. Like Sassymummy said you wonder where you got certain attributes from, looks, personality etc. etc.
The jury's still out for me on whether or not I'll make the decision to ever search for my real dad. I think I share the same thoughts as Mel06 what if he refuses contact or denies he's my father or something, I dont know how I'd cope with that. Sometimes the wondering is better than the knowing.

SixtiesChild

08-10-2007, 01:17

If I had been adopted....To me it would be very important to meet her because so many questions could be answered that otherwise would not. Too numerous to list.I feel that it would offer a form of closure that many adopted people find is important to them. I hope you don't come across a contact veto but if you do, don't give up hope because you may find a way around it. I think it takes tremendous courage to go searching. Best wishes to you & Goodluck!

BoyCrazy

08-10-2007, 09:33

hey mel

im adopted too. I have known this ever since i can remember and my adoptive parents have always been really supportive of me whichever choices i make in wanting to find my biological parents or not.

When i turned 18 i applied for all my identifying info, so i found out my real mum's name (at the time of my birth), what she called me, and her interests etc..but my bio dad did not sign the adoption consent forms so i dont even know his name!

i have to pay the fee now to search birth deaths and marriages, and get a copy of my original birth cert.

So i too am kinda deciding whether or not to try and find her, its been so far a long process.

I think now that i have a baby tho, it would be nice to know things like medical history, brothers and sisters, talents etc

Have you got in contact with jigsaw yet?
pm me if you want some details...or just a chat...i know what your going thru and its quite daunting!!!

Pixie

15-10-2007, 04:54

I am adopted and 2 years ago got back into contact with my birth mother and 5 years ago I met my Birth father.

It was easy for me to get in contact with my mother as my Grandfather adopted me and he speaks to her.

My Birth father how ever well I tracked him down and then emailed him. and after many emails and a few months he flew to Australia and I met him for the first time.

It has been nothing but positive for me. And even all these years passed I still have questions and they both happily answer them.

I hope you get the answers you need if you want any advice or what to say just PM me.

I am not to into sharing my whole adoption thing publicly it's far to personal.

Noah_and_Elijah

15-10-2007, 06:44

I personally would want to know why she gave me up for adoption in the first place and then I would make my decision on whether I wanted to continue contact from there.

Yes, I would do it by letter.

How, I don't know!

QTB

15-10-2007, 06:50

I'm not adopted, either. But I only found out that the dad who raised me is actually my step dad when I was 17. I know who my real father is but until now I don't have that feeling that I want to meet him..For me, my step dad is my dad, and my 'real' dad is simply a sperm donor. But then again, it would depends on the circumstances..

I could have almost written that word for word!! (except i was 12 when i found out my 'dad' wasnt my biological father) i met bio-father and we have an ok relationship now... but my step dad will always be my dad...

I would contact by phone :)

abbysmummy1

06-12-2007, 08:31

I'm adopted and have known since I was 3 years old. I have been raised by great parents and never felt the need to find my birth parents. I just figure life is complicated enough already, why stir the pot? It would crush my parents (even though they would never say) if I was to suddendly have birth parents in my life and i've heard of all sorts of 'reunions' that have totally backfired. My sister (natural to my parents) thought I might feel differently once I had kids of my own, but haven't so far. I put out a veto when I turned 18 so that I coudln't be found and have never lifted it, I'm now 34.

mummybunny

06-12-2007, 08:54

i think when it comes down to it you need to be 100% sure that you want to find her before you do.
my hubby is actually adopted, and when he was 18 went on a search to find his birth mother, and he found her met har and hung around for a bit but they both had problems going on and it didn't end up working it just wasn't the right time for them, he still talks about her all the time and he still thinks about finding her again, but every time he tries something else comes up.

i think its a personal thing to be honest if you want to find her go for it, if your in two minds about it wait until you are sure its what you want.

personally if i was adopted id want to know who my real mother was and what happened and why.

but like i said its all personal..

if you want any details about how to go about it or anything or just want to chat about it please feel fre to pm me and we can chat anytime, im sure hubby would be willing to have a chat to you and help you out too!!

good luck.

Kim xxx

suzmojo

07-01-2008, 01:42

I was adopted. I've met my birth mother and father.

Unfortunately my birth mother died a few years after I met her. But my dad lives in Sydney (I am in Perth) and I have two half brothers.

We went through Jigsaw, but to be honest we tracked her down ourselves (hubby helped me and friends), Jigsaw did the contact bit.

Ever single adoption and meeting of birth parents is so different. Some turn out ok and some go pear shaped.

The most important thing to remember is why you are doing it - for me it was to know where I came from, not to find new parents.

And to remember that you are the person you are, created by your adoptive parents, your environment and you. Don't expect anything too much from it and go with the flow and keep your fingers crossed and take the ride - that's about the best advice I can give.

My birth mother was all over me when she met me, she was still so upset from giving me up. My birth father is ok, but his values are so different to mine.

It's a huge HUGE journey to take and some of it can be painful and some fantastic. But even so I don't regret doing it for a minute.

kas3

07-01-2008, 20:56

Alekay

07-01-2008, 21:03

My younger brother is adopted. He's never shown any interest in finding his birth parents.

I read somewhere once that female adoptees are more likely to seek out their birth parents than male adoptees... something about women having a greater need to know where they came from and men being more focused on the present and future... dunno how true it is but I thought it was interesting...

regards
kas

I can agree with this as my brother is also adoptedd and he has never shown any interest either.:yes:

Thanks for the replys i go hot and cold on the idea so i am still deciding
:)

MummaLove

04-04-2008, 19:40

I'm surprised how many people who aren't even adopted have an opinion! I really don't think it's something you can truly comment on as you can't really understand what it's like unless you've experienced it.

As someone who was adopted I did want to make contact and had always wanted to. My mother (adoptive mother) came to me when I was 18 and asked if I wanted to and the same with my brother.

When you don't know where you come from and why you were adopted there are many unanswered questions.

I did contact by biological mother and it all went really well, BUT my parents are the best parents any child could ever hope for.

It's important not to have any expectations and also be prepared for the fact that the birth parents may not want to be found.

I can't really offer any advice as I was adopted in the UK and moved to Australia when I was a baby so I'm afraid I wouldn't know how to go about it here but there is an organisation called Jigsaw who I think deal with that kind of thing.

Good luck!

Bewitched

05-04-2008, 07:04

I was adopted and met my birth mum when i was right on the legal age for that time period, 18 yrs old. I met her, and we had a pretty good relationship for 13 years. I met my birth father, what a complete waste of space and traumatic event that was. Recently, my birth mother ended our relationship, and it wasn't pretty. So it's natural for me to say now, that i wish i had never met her, because the heartache and pain i have gone through after some horrible things she spat at me have traumatised me, even though it's only been a few months since it happened, not a day goes by that i don't think about about how nasty some of the things she said to me were. I should've just let things be in the first place and then i wouldn't be going through this now :(

Bewitched

05-04-2008, 07:07

Thanks guys for the replies.

I guess i do want to meet her i think i always have. I know that when i was born her parents were looking after a 2yr old girl that was hers as well, so i guess i would like to meet my birth sister as well

I just dont know how i would cope if she had a contact veto on her name so i couldnt contact her and that why i am not sure if i am ready or not

I gained a beautiful friend in my birth sister by doing this, we are still close and think we always will be. Did your adoptive parents keep any written correspondence with the adoption agency? Thats how i tracked down by birth mother in the first place. I rang them and asked if they could contact her for me. They tried her listed number on file and it worked. They asked her if she wanted to pass over her number to me to accept a phone call and she said yes. It went from there. pm anytime if you have any questions, good luck :thumbsup:

~Gracie'sMummy~

10-04-2008, 19:29

Hi Everyone,

I am adopted and have known ever since i can remember. I have never held any negative feelings towards my Birth Parents and have always felt lucky to have been given the gift of life.
I found out all my identifying information when i turned 18 (this is freaky, both my birth parents and adoptive parents gave me the same first and middle names!!! my adoptive parents never knew what my name on my original birth cert was - it was just meant to be!).
I have contacted my birth Mum and Dad who got married after my birth and had 3 more daughters several years after i was born. I have chatted to my Mum several times over the last 7 years on the phone but she is not (and may never be) ready to meet me. My 3 younger sisters do not know i exist so i think that makes it hard for my birth parents to be in contact with me.
I met my bio Aunt (Dad's sister) a few weeks ago.. and wow.. to meet someone that you are blood related to is incredible. It sure opened a flood of emotions but I am so happy that i did it.

I am so happy that i made the decision to find our who my bio parents are. I have amazingly wonderful and supportive adoptive parents. But i think there is always that question of "where did i come from? and who do i look like?"
Even though my bio parents aren't ready to meet me, and may never be ready to meet, i am just glad i got the chance to say thank you for giving me life and making the right decision for me. What beautiful brave incredible people.

Good luck with your journey. Nobody can tell you what is right for you. My only advice is just try to be grateful for your life and don't go in with any expectations. You will have moments of disappointment, and elation, and love, and confusion.. it's all natural. You are not alone in this journey.

jayisa02

10-04-2008, 19:57

my DH was adopted and didnt know till he was 21. He found his biological parents and his bio mum keeps in contact with us. She has even been to stay with us when our DS was little. Our children are her only grandchildren and we have made it very clear that we would love her to be part of our lives. We keep in email/phone contact with the occasional visits (she lives in a different state). While my DH and his bio mum have a "pleasant" relationship it appears that they both have their regrets that the mother-son relationship will never truly be there. But my DH is glad he met his bio parents so he could establish some identity. I guess it depends on the people involved as to how successsful the outcome would be.

i havent read all the other posts so dont know if ive gone off track or not :)

Alekay

10-04-2008, 20:00

Thanks for the replies:D

Bewitched i am so happy for your experience makes me a little more confident, too hear happy experiences.:hugs:

First Time Mummy thank you as well i was great to hear your story.:hugs:

I am still undecided at this point in time as too when i will find out all the info. I am having other "issues" at the moment and don't feel strong enough to deal with all the consequences to making such a huge decision.

I guess at heart i am a big scardy cat:o

84zsazsa

10-04-2008, 20:12

:wave:Hi,

I'm not adopted but my Father and Aunty (from separate adoptions, no blood relation between them either) are as my beautiful, wonderful Grandparents were not able to concieve. I have watched as my Father found his bio Mother and also my Aunt.

Them being adopted was never a secret in my family for them or myself and we all knew from as young as i can remember.

I think finding your bio parents is a very personal choice and you really need to be at a place where your ready for anything as my Fathers meeting didnt go well.

His bio Mum basically told him that she was young and gave him up for a reason. That her family she had built many yrs later did not know about him and she was going to keep it that way and shut the door.

But........on a happy note my Aunts bio Mum was lovely and they are in contact to this day.

I am by no means saying yours will go bad.

I think what help my dad was that he just wanted to meet her and he did. He went in with no expectations and although it hurt him he had wonderful parents anyway.

All the best and i hope that helps. :hugs:

Cheers, Danni

jes

11-04-2008, 21:12

Hi,

i am kinda the oposite my mother had a son when she was 15 and adopted him out. We have always known that we had another brother and mum got in contact with him when he was 18. They had a good chat but he decided that he didnt want to have anymore contact then that. I think it really broke mums heart to hear that but she went with his wishes and just let him be. Now i am very interested to get in contact with him, the urge has gotten stronger over the years but i have no idea how to go about it? Im not sure if i should bring my mum into it or not, i dont want to make her live through all that again. If anyone can help that would be great.

jessie

Bewitched

13-04-2008, 07:25

Thanks for the replies:D

Bewitched i am so happy for your experience makes me a little more confident, too hear happy experiences.:hugs:

I guess at heart i am a big scardy cat:o

There's nothing wrong with being a scaredy cat hun, it's a huge deal:yes: To be honest, i wish i had never tracked her down (and i think she feels the same), if i hadn't, i wouldn't be suffering the heartache i am now. I never felt abandoned by her when i was adopted, ever. But i do now. It wasn't like i had an unfulfilling life or unloving parents either, i only found her because i was curious (why most people find their birth parents i believe). My adopted brother never wanted to find his birth mother and now i envy him, he has no regrets and i do :( I am not saying "Oh it's all not worth it don't do it" , i am just saying you are smart to be cautious about it and be prepared for it possibly not working out. I know i have been traumatised by the recent loss of her, and am going to have to seek help to get over it. But i am glad i still have my sisters love, she means the world to me so i am looking at the positives there. Pm anytime, and good luck :hugs:

OneCheekyMonkey

07-07-2008, 09:36

I'm surprised how many people who aren't even adopted have an opinion! I really don't think it's something you can truly comment on as you can't really understand what it's like unless you've experienced it.

I think it is wonderful that non-adoptees have thought about this topic to the point that they have formed an opinion. Bear in mind that these people may one day raise an adopted child or a foster child. A child who doesn't knows his or her origins and who may wish to find out.

I am a transracial adoptee, so finding out my birth parents would be exceptionally difficult (language barriers and all). I don't know whether I would like to meet my birth parents, I think it would be overly traumatic, and quite frankly I get rather bitter over how my life has evolved.

My adoptive parents were best they could be, unfortunately for me (as a child) it wasn't enough.

punkbaby

07-07-2008, 09:41

Just sharing my thoughts on my mum for you :) i have been doing her family tree and found out she had family everywhere, her mother married like 5 times so shes got so many half siblings. We have only found this out recently though.

THe only advice that i can give from my mothers point of view is be prepared and approach it with an open mind, so you dont get hurt, you dont expect something or you find something that you dont want to know about :) I really hope that makes sense. Mum found alot of horrible things about her family and i dont really want to comment about them here, thankfully mum is pretty headstrong and is over it now, but it did bring up alot of bad memories for her. (she was adopted at 4)

And nope Mummalove I havent been adopted but i have a partner who has been so i can understand how he feels at times and being there for mum why shes been going through it has given me some basic understanding of what she is going through and her emotions etc.

Good luck hope things go well for you :)

WorkingClassMum

07-07-2008, 09:54

I am not an adopted child - but am an abandoned child.

My mother left my father and us kids when I was not quite 6.

I never knew why and it was not spoken about. I was raised for the next 5 or so years by my wonderful grandparents, and then when I was 11 my father remarried, and we played a bad parody of the Brady Bunch.

When I was 16 I needed to know why I was so un-lovable. My mother had dumped me, my father dumped us at my grandparents who bundled us of as soon as we had a new mum who never wanted us (hmmm 16yo teenage eyes)

So I found my mum, and learnt the true reasons why she left.

It was very important to me to find my mum.

My Sis#1 also spoke to her in later years, but as she was 3 when mum left - the realtionship was at best cordial.

My eldest bro however has feed for years on my father's bitterness, and despises a women he has never really known...

It's different for all people, and my story is a bit different to most.

mummy1day

20-07-2008, 15:04

I think it is wonderful that non-adoptees have thought about this topic to the point that they have formed an opinion. Bear in mind that these people may one day raise an adopted child or a foster child. A child who doesn't knows his or her origins and who may wish to find out.

I am a transracial adoptee, so finding out my birth parents would be exceptionally difficult (language barriers and all). I don't know whether I would like to meet my birth parents, I think it would be overly traumatic, and quite frankly I get rather bitter over how my life has evolved.

My adoptive parents were best they could be, unfortunately for me (as a child) it wasn't enough.

Can I ask why they were never enough? DH and I are considering transracial adoption but are worried about the cultural issues. Is your bitterness related to not being raised in afamily of the same race? I don't want to offend but would be so interested to hear your perspective.

On another note, DH is adopted he is currently in the process of finding his bio mum, his primary reason is to let her know she is ok. He got his file from Anglicare which was interesting and is going to use vanish to search for her.

janstu

12-08-2008, 13:36

Hi all - I was Adopted at age 10 months. I have the most beautiful Adopted parents who will always be my mum and dad:) My mum helped me to find my Bio mum when I was 26 years of age. I went into it with an open mind and my adopted mum holding my hand, but have never really had any sort of relationship with my bio. I found out alot of answers and found I had half siblings and that my mother is full Aboriginal - which explained the colouring of my skin:DThe part on who my bio father is, is still a mystery as it changed from one to the next:confused: At the end of the day, it is you decision entirely - all I suggest is to not have any preconceived notions on your bio's as this can be heartbreaking if they are not what you invisioned:oGood luck:hugs:

NibbleCurlynBub

12-08-2008, 13:42

I don't know.

If I found out now that my parents weren't my real parents I wouldn't be too bothered. It would explain a lot actually.
I don't think I would go looking for them/her but if I had had time to think then I don't know.

I do think a letter would be the way to go though.
It is very non-confrontational and makes it open to her choice. :yes:

P.S mummy1day. My parents are (I'm pretty sure) my biological parents and they still weren't enough. Sometimes its just like that.

jaq

12-08-2008, 13:57

While people are mulling over this question, another for you.

My husband is adopted, but says he has no interest in finding out more about his biological parents, or curiousity about them.

Should I believe him 100%, or is it likely he has issues about being adopted that he doesn't want to discuss with me?

He isn't the most forthcoming person about his emotions but he completely stonewalls anything on the subject of being adopted.

What worries me is that one day he might want to know, and it will be too late. We're pushing forty, and his bio parents weren't young when he was born ...

I look at my daughters and see how like him they are, and wonder who else they look like. But I don't think its fair to push him on this ... it has to be completely his decision, and one he is happy about.

But do you think its likely he is REALLY not interested?

janstu

12-08-2008, 14:05

My brother is 36 and has no desire to meet or find his bio parents:)He was very supportive of me when I found my mother, but even then it didn't enter his mind to find his:)so your husband may be like him:D

Bewitched

12-08-2008, 14:59

But do you think its likely he is REALLY not interested?

Yes i do. As much as it confuses us women that men can't/don't touch emotions like that, some just don't. Your hubby is obviously one of them. My brother wasnt interested either janstu. I HAD to know, but my brother just didn't care. I never understood that, but thats just his feelings. And you know what, i envy him. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache had i just appreciated my own little world, instead of letting my curiosity drive me head on into an emotional disaster :gloomy: But thats just me..i wouldn't push this issue with your DH, if he really is interested, he will tell you :yes:

janstu

14-08-2008, 20:40

Hi Bewitched - I too envy my brother - as I ended up with alot of unanswered questions and alot of heartache:gloomy:I too, feel at times I should have left well enough alone _ i am lucky that my Adoptive parents have been their 100%. I don't have anything to do with my bio mother these days, but that is my choice:)I think it is just a female thing, seeing as that we are mothers ourselves:yes:The old saying curiosity killed the cat shouldn't be taken so litely, as heartache can follow, and your true family will be the ones their picking up the pieces. Anybody can give birth to a child - it takes a special person to be a mum and a dad:valentine:

OJandMe

14-08-2008, 21:12

I have 3 adopted cousins.

The eldest wanted to meet his birth mother, and they now have a lovely friendship relationship.

The middle one has zero interest in meeting her birth mother, as much as my aunty tries to encourage an interest in her Korean culture, my cousin just really isn't fazed at all.

The youngest would love to meet his birth mother in person, but is unable to because of the repercussions for her in her culture where many of her relatives and village do not know she had a child adopted out, especially her now husband. He has gone overseas with my aunty to his home country as part of a missions group, and my aunty was able to show him the area he was born in, and meet some of the people, but not in an 'I am your long lost adopted son' capacity.. more as a visiting Australian who was adopted from there years ago..
He was happy with that. It fulfilled the curiosity being able to see the culture and history.

Jells

14-08-2008, 21:41

My Mum had my brother at 15 (3months after her 15th bday) and gave him up for adoption. He was adopted by a wonderful family. She told my Dad about it when they met, however my 2 other brothers and I did not know until 2 weeks before we met him - I was 12.

My brother always knew he was adopted as soon as he could understand. He wanted to find Mum eventually, but when she made contact through Jigsaw, his Mum said no as he was sitting his High School Exams. After a year they starting writing and it was another year or 2 before we all met.

He does not want to meet his father at all, he is not named on his birth certificate. There is more to the story that my Mum wont speak about and it makes me wonder if this is why he doesn't want to meet/find his Dad.

Since meeting my brother, we maintain a great relationship - we dont see each other as often as we would like, but when we do, its like we were bought up all together. We always spend Xmas and birthdays together - it is one of those happy endings that I guess people want in that situation. He calls my Mum by her first name, yet she is Nanna to his little girl and does introduce her as his Mum, whilst at the same time maintains the same relationship he has always had with his adoptive Mum - she is is #1. My Mum and his mum get along great too.

So, back to the OP, if it were me, I would want to find both parents - mainly out of curiousity and what was the reason of being given up for adoption.

Mum2Lucas

15-08-2008, 10:19

I suppose it's different for everyone. my mum was adopted when she was little and eventually met her biological mum just after i was born when she was 18. It turned out that her biological parent's weren't very nice at all really and my mum was given up for adoption for revenge. when mum met her mother the mother demanded money from mum for her being born. we have always been careful since then. but i suppose go into it not expecting anything just in case.