Advice re- friend

[LotusMum]

I really really hope that it is ok to post this. Im writing in regards to someone else and as I havnt had a termination before I dont really know what to think.
This person has one child and had gotten pregnant to her new partner. The relationship was rather on/off but they are still together and happily so. This is not the father of her first child.
This person was on anti-anxiety medication and no pill or any form of protection and totally got the billings method wrong and didnt really understand what she was doing with it anyway. This person was not young, but is impulsive.
Anyway, she got pregnant whilst on the medication and realised that she didnt want the baby. She had a termination. Only the couple Im talking about know this, the persons father and me and DH. The girls mother knows nothing about this and I guess will never be told.
Im wondering, in your experience, is it possable to have a termination and feel nothing about it? This person acts as though it never happened, but when asked, she has said that its no big deal and that she is not affected by it in anyway. Shes not upset, shes not happy, she just has no feelings about it. Its like its an ordinary occurence, like going and getting a pap smear or something.
I find this hard to understand and sorta feel funny about it, but try not to judge. Do you think its possable that she really does feel nothing and it isnt a big deal to her or do you think she is just avoiding the whole thing so she doesnt have to deal with what happened? The procedure was not a traumatic one as far as bleeding/pain etc goes.
Can you help me to understand where she is coming from? This person and I share a close relationship so I want to be able to be supportive and understanding of her and as it stands, this issue is just something I can connect with.

[sueliz]

I have had no personal experience in hvaing a termination, but have had friends who have had them and everyone deals with it in different ways. I remember watching a movie once and a character in it was involved in a debate about abortion and said something along the lines of...
'At the time an abortion seems like nothing - a minor operation to get rid of a major problem, but later, and sometimes it can be years later it hits you. And it hits you hard.'
That quote is by no means 100% correct, but I just remember it is along the main lines of what this character was saying and it stuck with me. I have tried to remember that whilst supporting my friends through their experience and at times actually found this to be true.
Just be there for her, encourage her to seek help should she feel she needs it, and let her know if and when she is ready to discuss her feelings about it you will be there for her.
You are obviously a good friend to make such an effort to understand and not to judge.

[lilliliz]

I have had miscarriage but not the same thing. I work with people who have had terminations amongst other things and the numbness you describe may be a sign of finding the whole thing traumatic. If your friend continues to feel numb and doesn't have emotional experiences in other areas of her life then she should seek medical advice just to make sure. Some people really find termination quite traumatizing while for others to have continued would have been traumatic.

[moonblossom]

Terminations affect many people in many different ways. I know, I still havent fully recovered from mine over 20 years ago, and always mourn the child i should of had. But this is me, I know other women who don't think twice about it. Doesn't affect them at all.

Just let your friend deal with it the way she knows how, and if blocking out the whole event works for her, then so be it. I am not against abortion, but people should realise there could be major emotional concequences down the track, whether they believe it today or not.

Good on ya for being such a caring friend :hugs:

[LotusMum]

She does feel things very acutely normally but doesnt feel about this issue. Shes normally very emotional and quick to fire up.
I am also finding it difficult to keep the whole thing secret from her mum as her and I are really close also and I know that if she ever finds out she will be devestated beyond belief not only about the termination itself, but also the fact that we all knew and she didnt and wasnt given the chance to help her daughter. She will feel utterly betrayed.
I know everyone deals with things differently, but I guess Im just so surprised that this thing which I would consider a major life ultering decision doesnt effect her in the least. She has actually said to me in the past that she doesnt care about it at all. It doesnt bother her or effect her as she just considers it to be a bunch of cells anyway.
I guess she might realise later on down the track like you said. I suppose its just my problem and not hers. Im not against abortions so please dont think that is the issue I have and I certainly dont want her to be in any emotional pain, I just thought she would feel something.
Thank you all so much for your perspective.

[~Candy~]

I had a termination just after my dh and I got married..we had NO money, just bought a house and reality was...I didn't want a baby that time in my life...we would have lost our house and been living in a tent! I was 100% adamant I didn't want the baby and I delt with the termination just as your friend has. Even now that dh and I have 4 kids we love to bits now...11 yrs later...I still have no regrets...I don't think about it in anyway whatsoever really.

[LotusMum]

Ok, thats fair enough. I just wanted to understand if it is possable to not feel anything about it, especially when someone usually feels about everything.
Thank you for your story.

[~Candy~]

ps...please dont go telling her mother...if my friend did that to me (wayyy back then)...I would have definatley cut her off...that's her personal choice and I'm sure her mum will know one day. I eventually told my mum and I'm glad she never knew beforehand, as being talked into a baby you dont want to have is also not good if she reallly never wanted the baby in her heart.

[LotusMum]

Oh no no I wont tell the mother.