Making like harder for the kids...

[SassyMummy]

Do you know someone who is parenting in such a way that they're making it hard for their kids to EVER become an independent adult.

I'm not talking about parenting babies, and whether or not they co-sleep, or bottle-feed instead of breast... or ANYTHING like that...I'm talking about older kids and bigger issues.

My Aunt is a lovely woman... but I think she's just slowly ruining her daughters chance to have a life.

My cousin, Ally* (my Aunts daughter - I've changed her name), is disabled. She's a little slower with an undiagnosed condition... and she has a physical problem which makes it impossible for her to extend one of her arms (it's just curled up... she can't control her fingers much either on that side). She also has a problem with one of her ankles (often wears a cast/splint type of plastic device) and she has seizures which she had every so often as a toddler, but hadn't had another until about a month ago. She's 18.

So, she IS disabled, I understand that she needs a little extra help... but she WOULD be able to live a somewhat normal life if only my Aunt didn't discourage it.

My Aunt has never encouraged Ally to do anything on her own. She's not really allowed to visit friends... she just spends time with my Aunt and my Aunts close friend. My Aunt has become a bit of a recluse too... refusing even to go down to the local shops. This began when her 2 months old baby died (when I was 4... so about 17 years ago). Then when my Grandmother (my Aunts mother) died, she's gotten even worse.

I do understand it must be such an awful time for her, but I really feel sorry for my cousin Ally as well.

Ally's father got a job for her at Woolies. Just a basic job there... but he thinks it's good for her. My Aunt though, she wouldn't allow it and has kept Ally home with her.

Ally has never had any limits either - if Ally wants something, she absolutely gets it. I do think that perhaps my Aunt does this because she lost her baby and want to do her best to make Ally happy... but I really think that treating Ally as a young child will do nothing for her in the years to come.

If she DOES go out at some stage, a boy could EASILY take advantage of her... she has NO street smarts at all... and very little in the way of social skill. She doesn't know about the world at all... she's just SO sheltered.

She doesn't even shower alone, or wipe her own bottom, or put pads on her own undies... my Aunty does all of this for her.

Ally's father doesn't get much of a say really. Whenever he tries to take the lead, my Aunty goes MENTAL at him... she doesn't let him have any say. I think he SHOULD get a say though, because he wants to help Ally become an adult... he wants her to learn and grow and live a bit. I think he wants her to know there's far more to life than hanging out with your mother all day long.

There's nothing I can do in this situation... they live in Victoria, I'm in Qld. If I could, I'd bite my tongue and try and TAKE Ally out (the fact that she's not well socialised makes her one of those awfully annoying people that you want to spend as little time as possible with... I believe this is a result of her sheltered life, rather than her actual personality). I'd get her some nicer clothes (she wears her mothers hand-me-downs... which are VERY VERY old and tattered and unflattering, and she just doesn't look after herself... I suppose because her mother doesn't.

I dunno, I just feel really sorry for her, because she doesn't KNOW life is any different... and I am beginning to think my Aunt has her believing that life SHOULDN'T be any different.

Have you ever felt similarly about a situation... and what did you do?

[Luvem]

OMG this has been a hot topic in my household for a while. To do with my mother spoiling my kids and in the long run making their life harder.

[Luvem]

Different situation but same outcome...... my mother was one of those people, she gave me anything I wanted and just generally did not prepare me for the 'real' world, and Ive had all sorts of issues and difficulty adjusting to it.
I had a sibling pass away at 11months old before I was around and then I guess my mother just OVER compensated in a big way. But it has come to an abrupt halt now with the same pattern being set up with my kids and Mum and I have had all sorts of fights and dramas recently with differing opinions on whats good for my kids. She believes that the more she does for them and the more she gives them is good. But I beg to differ, I am the prime example of what can happen to a kid that is sheltered and spoiled rotten.
Having my kids was the best thing for me, Ive grown so much as a person since they were born, but Im still dealing with things that others just take for granted.
THE MAIN issue being my self esteem, I have none. Everything was done for me and given to me so I started to think that I couldnt be trusted with things or no-where near capable of anything important, I was useless and inadequate and I still have to stop myself from thinking down the same path. I am always doubting myself and letting others manipulate me.
Rant over.
I think it would be difficult for you to tell your aunt what to do with her own daughter but I think if you have the guts to go for it then it would benefit your cousin sooooo much. She deserves to feel what its like to be independant.

[SassyMummy]

Thanks for your story!

I do know that what my Aunt is doing is out of love and nothing else... but that doesn't make it a good idea.

I don't know HOW she should raise her daughter really... but I do think she's doing some things she absolutely shouldn't be doing. I don't like that Ally will grow up with the same fears as my Aunt - never leaving the house just being one. Ally deserves a life of her own, outside of her home and away from her family.

[FishFace]

I personally dont spend that much time thinking about how others are ruining kids or not doing the right thing, unless its abusive.

[MummyCharmzy]

Theres no knowing how I would be in that situation, everyone handles things differently, she might just be doing the best she can do. I understand what you mean about holding her back but unless we've taken a walk in her shoes we can't judge whether what shes doing is right or not.

Thats jmo anyway but as I cannot imagine what strength would be required to deal with what she obviously has then I cannot judge how I would raise my child.