'Being a Mum isn't a real job' (A Rant)

[SassyMummy]

I am sick of having my role as a mother belittled...and part of the reason I am posting this is because I know I'm certainly not the only one who feels this way.

My DP, who is currently an apprentice chef for a posh restaurant (oh - sorry...Oyster Bar...lol) and therefore works pretty long hours (usually 10am - 10pm, 5 days a week). Therefore, I am looking after our DD completely on my own for at least 5 days a week.

I get a little angry about that (he wasn't working this much when I first committed to the relationship, or even when I fell pregnant)...because I feel like I'm a single mother posing as a mother-with-a-partner. But I do understand that he has to work, and that later on, when the apprenticeship is over, all of this will be rewarded financially and otherwise...so I don't get too cranky about it.

It's just that, on the days he does have off (these are whatever 2 days in the week that his boss decides...), he likes to do NOTHING. And by nothing, I mean sleep in until 1pm, laze around for ages and perhaps play his Playstation 2. I still take care of her solely on my own...he just happens to be around at the same time. That's what REALLY p*sses me off...the fact that he doesn't seem to help.

Okay...he DOES help...but only after I nag. After he's done something, however, the next time I nag for him to help me out, he'll say "but last time I did...blah blah blah" and whinge like a little boy. I sometimes feel like he's a very over-grown toddler.

The other night, for example, our DD had a high temperature among a few other mild symtoms...and worried at the fact that her temp kept rising, I decided we should take her to the hospital (it was night time...so we couldn't go to the GP). Being a public hospital in Qld, we had to wait a while to get in...and then wait even more. We ended up leaving at 4am (having gone in at 11pm the previous night). The ENTIRE time DP WHINGED. And complained. He even said, "We should just go home...it's not like she's dead or anything." I was so angry...you don't wait until your baby is DEAD until you get her checked out!

Whenever I whinge about not getting enough help, DP rolls his eyes. He doesn't understand that being a SAHM is a full-time job...and then some. I don't get to take sick-leave...I can't have "weekends off" or get paid over-time. I just have to keep on going...no matter what.

When I complain about needing help, he just tells me, "Being a mum isn't a real job...I wish I could sit at home all day and watch tv".

GRRRRR! IDIOT!

What crap do your men come up with?

[Baby Girl]

I thought you might appreciate this email......

A woman named Jean renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.
She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
"What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job, or are you just a ....?
"Of course I have a job," snapped Jean. "I'm a Mom."
"We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation... 'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like "Official Interrogator," or "Town Registrar."
"What is your occupation?" she probed.
What made me say it, I do not know... The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."
The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.
"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't), in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out) I’m working for my Masters, (the whole darned family), and already have four credits, (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree)? I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.
As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby), in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another Mom."
Motherhood.....What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door. Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research Associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations," and great-grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates"? I think so!!! I also think it makes Aunts "Associate Research Assistants".

[Barry]

It seems like he needs a bit of a wake up call.

Being a stay at home mum technically is a job as the government will pay you to do it and you can put home executive in the employment section of all paperwork!

But seriously, he should be more supportive, yeah he's working hard and needs a break, but so do you. Perhaps you could sit down with him and work out some sort of system where you each have one day off, so in his two days off one would be spent with/looking after your daughter giving you some free time and the other could be spent sleeping.

[O&GMUM]

Barry
did your monster just wink at me or have I had too many cocopops...

[Barry]

Barry
did your monster just wink at me or have I had too many cocopops...

He winked.

Care to share the cocopops? ;)

[O&GMUM]

Forget it, Ill share anything except my cocopops. What is this thread about again oh yeah not a real job, well you can nap when the babies nap cant do that at a real job but, dont have to get out of pjs gotta love that.
Nothing else Id rather be doing though.
PS I also run two small businesses from home( im not talking about my twins either)

[Barry]

well you can nap when the babies nap cant do that at a real job

That's what the stationary and/or filing room is for in the office, secret daytime power naps.

Uh-oh maybe I don't have a real job either.

[WeThree]

lol, i thought Barrys winking monster was a product of my sleep deprived mind!! glad to see im not as loopy as i thought.:rolleyes:

Sassymummy, no offense but your dp sounds realllly immature, he needs to start pulling his weight, tell him if he thinks its so easy, you will go out to work and get to do whatever you want, and he can look after bubs, i can guarentee you it would not last very long.;)

[lovemybub]

I have to agree with Coopsntilly - that's a very immature attitude for someone to have. I think you definitely need to engineer some time when he looks after your bub, just so that he can see what does go on.

I did have a wonderful 'story' about a man who felt that way and so Gld swapped his and his wife's bodies for the day. It listed all the things he did all day while he was supposedly 'doing nothing', then how at the end of the exhausting day he was expected to have sex as well. When he woke up in the morning he told God he was wrong and he wanted to change back and go to work. God said that was fine but he would have to wait nine months because he got pregnant the night before!

I wish I could find the actual joke, but you get the idea...

Men. Can't live with them, can't live without them...

Hope your DP wakes up to himself soon.

[bronny-jane]

my dh works 12 hour shifts as well 6pm-6am. he comes home and sleeps till 2 or 3 then has to leave for work at 5:30. i'd rather stay at home and watch our kids instead of doing what he does. on his days off 1-2 days a week he does help a bit, but strangely enough its never with cleaning, he did say to me once that all i did was sit around and watch t.v. which sometimes is right i hate cleaning, i left dh with the kids for 4 hours by himself, and since then he hasent said anything stupid about how easy it is for me, he still complains about my cleaning efforts though.

[JenNT]

Barry
did your monster just wink at me or have I had too many cocopops...
PMSL just choked on mine :D and yes he's winking:eek:

[Pixie]

I see both sides here..he is working his booty off long hours and most likely if I was doing that I would want to do nothing either on the 2 days I had off..but we all choose our responsibilities or not.. he has to realise that perhaps you need time out as well.

Like you say it will be worth it in the end ;)

My DB has decided that once I have had the baby he wants me off out once a week just for myself I will probably be going to yoga as that is serious time out mentally and good for the body :D

Hopefully once his shifts change things will settle down for you guys!

[Harmony83]

No offense, but I think your DP has a very irresponsible attitude... I can understand that, yes, he works long hours, BUT, so do you! My partner is the same sometimes, he always comes home and says, but I have been working all day, I need a break, (don't we all need one!!) I think you should talk to him about it, he should be wanting to spend as much time with his little one, as they are only little for so long, and he is going to miss out on it all!!

[Ffrenchknickers]

But, for me, I feel so lucky to be able to stay home and be with my kids and look after my hubby and the house....It may be a hrd job but its the best job in the world:D

[bec79]

Maybe you should let your hubby know that university studies have shown being a SAHM is equivilent (sp) to working two full-time jobs! I certainly don't let me DF forget it. Having said that I'm not ready to give it up just yet.:D

[SassyMummy]

Thanks for the responses!

I think I made DP sound far worse than he actually is - there are times that I can go out without our daughter (usually just a few hours to go shopping with a friend)...and he DOES help out sometimes...I guess just not as often as I'd like.

It's tough being a mother, and no doubt it's tough doing what he does all day too. I guess what the real problem is, is finding a balance...where we can both get some time off to do whatever we like...as well as finding time to be family...and hopefully sometimes (occassionally) finding time to be a couple again (a date? What's that?).

I feel bad about what I wrote about him...I guess when you're venting, you exaggerate and only point out the WORST things. Yes, he can be kind of immature... but he's also financially supporting us, and missing out on the most exciting bits of our daughter's early life because of it. I know it must be hard on him to hear all of her "milestones" second-hand from me...

I doubt the problem is HIM...it's probably just BOTH of us.

Thanks for your responses none the less...somehow it made me see that it's not all about me and how tired I am and how little he helps...because I'm sure he's just as bloody tired as I am! THANKS!

[ThomasMum]

Agree with all. Your partner needs to grow up FASTER now that he’s a parent. No offence OK.
Because parenting is all about sharing the responsibilities, fair and square. I don’t care what sort of posh restaurant or not, how hard his job or not to be honest, he has no right to threat you that way. My DH works Mon-Fri involves really serious legal stuff, which means he’s busy at meetings, conferences etc and he earns a million yet not ONCE he’d say stuff that hurtful or disregards my position being a mum, he knows how hard it is and he’s always happy to help nights and days.
I work 2 days/week not because of the money but so that I can have my "me" time and he supports me 100% because childcare fees are NOT cheap! But he knows how important this for me.
My suggestion would be: have a real serious chat with him about the real deal in parenting before it’s too late. It’s not good for the kids to have an unhappy parent that’s for sure, plus think about a bad role model he is for your child/s.

Sorry I hope you don’t take offence my advice, good luck with all! :)

[lovemybub]

Thanks for the responses!

I think I made DP sound far worse than he actually is

I feel bad about what I wrote about him...I guess when you're venting, you exaggerate and only point out the WORST things. Yes, he can be kind of immature... but he's also financially supporting us, and missing out on the most exciting bits of our daughter's early life because of it. I know it must be hard on him to hear all of her "milestones" second-hand from me...

I doubt the problem is HIM...it's probably just BOTH of us.



I know how you feel. The heat of the moment and emotion and fatigue can sometimes blow things out of proportion :rolleyes:

Maybe you need to both sit down and give each other the opportunity to say "I feel ..." without making the way you feel the other person's fault. Eg, he would say I go to work each day and do long hours and I need some time out when I don't have to work. You would say, it's hard work looking after a baby on my own every day, and I need some time out too.

Do you have family or friends nearby who could maybe look after your bubs for a couple of hours while you had some time to yourselves (even some time together - I have dim recollections of what that was like myself ;) ) Maybe if you talk about it you will be able to come up with a solution together, rather than feeling like you're each working towards separate goals...

Not that I'm claiming to have it all worked out - I'm trying to work out the same things myself! Babies are wonderful things, but they sure take some adjusting to :D

Glad to hear we've been able to give you some perspective on life, if nothing else!

[lil button]

Stacey, my partner is now a full time qualified chef. We have been together for 8 yrs and i only just conceived this year. His hours have been haywire the whole time and it doesn't get easier with differnet establishments. Sometimes it can only get worse. I hate to say but for the job he is in you need to be prepared to do most things and just spend time with him and bub on his days off. i know it sounds selfish but they also need time off. mums/friends are all there to help and with the stupid hours that a chef works you need to be prepared.
We are now moving to Qld(he flys out beginning of March) so he can work in the mines and we can save some money. His main concern is that he won't be there to see bubs milestones. Video isn't as good/ secondhand as you say but it all depends on what you are trying to achieve. ie to get a better choice of jobs with better hours etc he needs to qualify, the sooner the better. In all effect i don't condone not helping out at all but if all he does is pick up after himself then at least that is a start. My # 1 rule is - I am Not Your Kitchen hand.
IMOO:)

[CJJHRA]

What I do, on DH's day off, I slack off too and do as little as possible :D I think bugger it, he gets time off, I dont. We will buy take-away, and eat with our hands :o then dishes dont have to be done either.

I am very grateful though that I do get the chance to stay home, now that I have the 5 boys in school, I get more time to me, Alannah is a great help, she helps me do everything (well as much as an almost 2 year old can!)

I am a slack housekeeper, I know that, there is so much more I could do around the house, but just to exhausted to do it. :o

[Mum2Tyla]

Hi,
My partner has never said anything but i could tell by his attitude that he thought I just sat around all day watching TV, I went back to work on Saturdxay for just 1/2 a day and he had to look after our 6 week old, when I left he said he would do some housework while I was gone, when he came to pick me up I said how was it , he said it was good but he did'nt get any house work done, I just laughed, he tends to help out around the house more now.
Kelly:laughing: