View Full Version : How can I ease his pain?
My DP is 48, has two daughters from previous relationship, and a granddaughter.
We have a 14 month old son, (my first) whom he adores and we would very much like to have another baby...or seven.
Problem is, he gets very depressed over his age, and is worried about adverse reactions our children will have...ie, too old to kick a footy, teasing by other kids adn adults (we cop enough flak now), and that they may have to grow up without him if he dies. (His father died at 49).
He is also worried about chromosomal (sp) breakage which can happen with, ahem, older sperm.
If he didn't want anymore, I would understand and deal with it - but he really does want more, he keeps talking about it - he's just so worried about what would happen to them...and then feels really down - this is breaking my heart.
A part of me wants to wait another 6 months or so, as I'm so enjoying this stage of Zac's life - he's just started walking and has a delightful sense of humour - I don't want to be pregnant and tired and not able to play/enjoy him as I do now.
Another part of me wants to start straight away..
And another part of me is worried about having another baby altogether, if its going to make DH depressed.
I have told him that he is young at heart (about 13 most of the time!), is physically in great condition, that there are plenty of older dads (Rupert Murdoch, et al) so its not a social sin, (and who cares if it is??) and that he can certainly give a child what they need- love/support/encouragement/wisdom/empathy/compassion/integrity, etc -
but I don't want to belittle his concerns IYKWIM??
Has anyone else been in a similiar situation?
What did you say to ease their mind?
Or does anyone have any wisdom they might share?
I would really love to hear from anybody who has anything to say about this!
I know this is not the same thing but when my babies where born my DH went through this early mid life (lets sell everything and live on a beach in thailand) crisis. Agghhh. I was nesting and he was wanting to up root me and two babies and go. I was just really supportive and logical and after a while it passed. (thank god).
Im not sure whether this is a new thing with you or if its an ongoing problem but he has had a major change in his life and maybe just needs some readjustment time. You know men dont cope with things as well as us girls.
Hope this helps.
Thanks O&GMum for your comments - I really appreciate them. It sounds like your DH is a lucky man to have a thoughtful and rational partner, especially in that situation - yikes!!
With DP I fear that these feelings of sadness will persist, as he isn't going to get any younger - IFYKWIM??
As stated previously, i have tried to comfort and reassure him and to get him to see what a good father he is, regardless of age - however I know these fears are real and I can understand where he is coming from, from a practical/logical viewpoint...But how can I make him feel better about being an older father?
Especially if we are to have more children (which he wants)??
I don't want to just say "You're being a dill, snap out of it", however I've tried so many approaches, I'm at a loss...
I hear what your saying about giving him some readjustment time, and he seems to have taken on fathehood at his age, so well...its just that he worries and frets and feels bad - so, of course, I worry and fret and feel badly for him - arrgghhhh!!!
I may just have to smack him and tell him to get over it!!:rolleyes:
Hi there, my dad had me when he was 45 and my yonger brother when he was 48. I woudn't change it for the world. He was the moset loving, understanding and thoughtful dad I could ever ask for. He was able to do everything and more than other dads younger than him could do when we were growing up. He is now 75 and in fantastic shape.
What I'm trying to say is that I wouldn't change a thing about my dad, he was and still is the best dad in the world.
I'm sure you children will think the same about their dad, after all age is only a number.
Thanks so much tina for your reply - exactly what I needed - the perspective of a child with an older parent. Truly wonderful. He sounds like a fantastic father.
I aim to show my DP your post and I'm sure it will ease his mind.
If it doesn't I will smack him with a chair and tell him to get over himself (with my usual diplomacy and tact!!)
Thanks again, very much appreciated.
my DH & I were 1st time parents when I was 41 & DH was 45 (we are now 44 & 48 respectively).
we had tried for 3 years before going down the IVF road as our last option.
at first DH was against the idea of IVF because of our age. He thought the same as your DH. I asked him if he would just come along to one of the information seminars so we could see what IVF was all about and then think about it again and if he was 100% sure that he didn't want to proceed due to his fears of age etc than I would respect his wishes and just say that this is what God had planned for our lives to be childless.
anyway he came away from the IVF seminar with renewed insight especially as he saw that we were not the only "oldies" there. Anyway we tried and on the very first attempt it was successful.
he still looks at our DS with tears welling up in his eyes and says "I can't believe I had so many doubts and fears about having a baby at our age - I wouldn't change it for anything in the world". We were very blessed as we had a perfectly healthy little boy. Now I'd like to have baby #2 but DH doesn't want to go through IVF again (mind you it was me that physically & emotionally went through it all but that's a different story) so I guess we will have to leave it in the lap of the God's.
if you DH would ever like to PM my DH he is more than welcome. Sometimes it helps men to have other men of like mind to talk to.
good luck with it all.
I know this is a little bit slow, but I only just found it I would really love to comment... On behalf of my father...
Last year he turned 48, he also was wondering whether he could loan money from me as I had just received my trust... Unfortunately, I had to decline. Being such a small trust and all, and then I had to explain why... I was going to have to buy some baby things!
Poor guy nearly spilled his coffee...
About a week later his dad commented on my step mother ... "Hmm, are you ever going to lose weight or are you pregnant again?" ...Well, dad was going to have second in this marriage (making his total 4!).
I know he was a little offput about his age, 2005 he was going to be a dad again, and also a grandad... He had another child under 1 and worried about how to keep up with two of them when one was becoming hard enough.
What kind of impact it would have on the financial situation (he was also desperate to resign from work).
And of course, he calculated how old he would be his youngest turns 20...
Late 2005, dad became a grandad, the next day he got his next son.
He does get tired running after the eldest, but admits it's the best exercise woman ever created lol
Financially Ok, bills are paid on time, theres 3 square meals a day, take away once a fortnight, and there is a room full of age appropriate toys for birthdays/christmas for this coming year and some still on layby.
As for the age thing, it doesn't matter. There is only one lifetime (that you will remember lol) and should make the most of it. Nobody is allowed to live forever, so whatever you do now, make it worth while ...
So that's what he did.
He's 49 now and incredibly happy with all the little bubs are craving his attention. He also resigned two weeks ago :smiliedance:
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