How to deal with 12 yr old SD

[RachnEllie]

I have been step-mum to my DH's daughter since she was 4. She has been to live with us twice, most recently only leaving at Easter to go back to the live with her mum in the UK. It was putting a huge strain on us as she has been brought up very differently to how we would bring her up if she was just ours. Since she got back she (and her mum) has been hassling us for money. Paying for all the visa costs to get her out here and 2 lots of flights really put us in trouble money-wise and we had already explained to her and her mum that we just can't afford to give them any money until I go back to full-time work next year.
Last week we had an e-mail from my step-daughter saying that she can't believe we can't even give her 1 pound, that she can't concentrate on her work at school knowing her dad has given her up for his POSH wife and new baby, and telling us both to f**k off.
Being the one who has always been able to reason with her better than my husband, I sent her a reply explaining again why we couldn't give her anything just yet. I then had a reply saying that I had taken her dad off her, have ruined her life and that she hates me for what I have done!
I just don't know how to deal with this. We have always had a pretty good relationship and I don't know why she is turning on me.
I got my husband to send an email back to her telling her that unless she can speak to us both properly that we don't want to hear from her, and the latest reply was basically all kisses for her Dad and telling him her problem was with me replying- and that it's nothing to do with me. I have done so much for her. I sorted the problem out between them they had last time and the first e-mail she sent was telling us both to f-off.
Now I feel that she is manipulating her dad and me by telling him she doesn't want me to e-mail her. I feel like sending her a message just to show her I can but I know that is childish and just playing into her hands. My husband wants to let her sweat it out a bit and see if she writes back with an apology. Unfortunately it's his lack of response to her that has caused this situation in the first place. I don't think she realises that, without me, her Dad wouldn't bother with her half as much.
Sorry I have gone on so long. I just want some advice or reassurance from people in the same boat as me. Thanks!!!

[floggadog]

Hi RachnEllie, my DSS is 13 , has never lived with us (his mum won't let him) & lives in the same state as us. I have been with his Dad since he was 3.
I haven't experienced what you are going through but some things ring a familiar bell. I am lucky in that I've managed to develop a friendship with his Mum which has assisted greatly in weeding out lies & underhanded moves on his part.
The subject of money for us comes down to a spoken agreement of we pay for certain things & she pays for the rest.
In your case I can only suggest what you're already doing, stand united. The reasons behind her turning may be a reaction to something unrelated that has happened to her.
Now I write that I remember we had one incident last year when DSS was moody & depressed & refused to do what I asked. I just got ****ty, I had other things to worry about & wrongly thought it was me he was crappy with. Turned out he was being mistreated at home.
So it could be something she's not able to tell anyone about or it could be her Mum in her ear or it could be her?

[OJandMe]

Could be the age....

I don't have a step child, but I have a step-mum and I remember the years I was 12 and 13 I gave her so much strife. And then I yo-yoed between hating my Dad and hating my Mum....

Just keep loving her, it will sort itself out.

[pegasus]

Hi RachnEllie

Just replying to lend my support.

I've been a part of my step children's lives since they were DSD (4) and DSS (2) - they are now DSD(14) and DSS (12).

Very trying times.

I remember a time last year that DSD told her mum she wasn't coming to stay with us as when she came here, I treated her like a cow - very far from the truth and hubby told her that until she could apologise to me (as I've done so much for her over the years) that she could stay away. Very tough call. She admitted that she was making it up - but hurtful as I'm in a similar situation to you - without me, the kids would see their dad less than half the times that they do. They do learn the art of manipulation very early on and the best we can do is to keep our part of their lives constant as we feel that's the most positive thing we can do for their upbringing. Very hard sometimes as our major disagreements that occur in our house are over the relationships with my step children and how much we should push it.

Anyway - feel free to pm me anytime you want to chat - sometimes it's very hard not to lower yourself to their level - and watch from the sidelines. The situation for us is ongoing and has been for 10years, who knows - it's only another 3 1/2 years till DSD is 18 so hopefully some maturity will come along with time, but then again.....

[RachnEllie]

Thanks everyone for your replies. The support is great! It is just so hard to try and put it out of my mind- it is really bothering me. My husband is letting her stew over it all and we are both waiting for an apology. She has sent another e-mail (just to her Dad) saying that she hopes he's not in a 'mood' with her for asking for a fiver... ha- if that was the only reason!!! Anyway- I am just going to let her dad deal with it all from now on. I have done what I can and it's just got me into trouble so that's that.
Thanks again!

[doubleeangels]

Hi rachnellie - I really feel for you. I have cut all ties with regards to any arrangements etc for stepdaughter - also 12 as it was all getting a bit ridiculous with her and her mother's attitude. I am pleasant to her when she is here and show her affection etc but there is definately a self imposed wall there. After a while you get a bit sick of being a flogging horse. Was such a relief when I came to relisation that I was just trying too hard to make things work and just decided to let it all just go.

[lilly]

I don't have a step daughter or son, and I can only imagine how frustrating it would be in a situation where you are dealing with someone who is being rude etc. That said I do feel sorry for her not having a father around and I wonder why you have to nudge your partner to contact her? She is heading into those difficult teenage years and needs as much love as possible (even though she may drive people nuts). She probably is harbouring anger and resentment and at the end of the day,she is the innocent one in all of this. I hope her parents can rise above any issues they may have to work towards the best outcomes for her. It's great the effort you have put into it. I guess it's a job where you may not get gratitude but you have to do the best you can and remember she is a child and try not to take some of her actions personally.

[pegasus]

Hi rachnellie - I really feel for you. I have cut all ties with regards to any arrangements etc for stepdaughter - also 12 as it was all getting a bit ridiculous with her and her mother's attitude. I am pleasant to her when she is here and show her affection etc but there is definately a self imposed wall there. After a while you get a bit sick of being a flogging horse. Was such a relief when I came to relisation that I was just trying too hard to make things work and just decided to let it all just go.


This reflects a fair bit of how things go at times in our house. We hope that in years to come, our continued pleasantness will win through and that the kids will choose their behaviour in a constructive manner

[Lastcenturymum]

Sounds like her mum is making the bullets and the 12 year old is firing them. Your generosity doesn't need to be trampled on like that...but hard when it's his daughter. Dont let her comments and attitude get to you an don't put yourself financially over the line for her anymor e than you have already.

Dunno how long she was with you, but sounds like having her back has cramped her mother's style a bit!

All you can do is be pleasant and civil. She's at an awkward age too