to tell or not to tell??

[mummy sam]

OK so i have this beautiful bubby boy and wouldn't change it for the world. But he was conceived from a one night stand. I was very sick for a week or so when i was falling preg (has anyone else been like this??) so when the guy tried to call i didn't anwser the phone, which i was doing for all calls. During the preg i was going throught the iwill try and find him and tell him, no i wont, yes i will, no i wont. In the end i didn't try and find him (i know where he works).

Now with i spunky 4mth old a couple of the mums in my mothers group have said that they will find him. Don't know if i shoud i mean it has been13mths!! or should i just get his details so as i have them on hand for if my son wants to find his father in the future or do i just leave it. I don't want anything form the father i'm doing great by myself and if anything i think it would cause problems.
I really don't know i think i might just leave it.

[moonblossom]

I think whatever you choose will be right for you, but will it be right for your son? I honestly do believe that every child (if possible) has the right to know who their father is, and also the father has the right to know if he has concieved a child.

I know its difficult for you, but I know you will do what is best :)

[jarrahsmumma]

Wow, I guess it is not an ideal situation to be in, but youv'e obviously thought about all this alot. You can look at it from a few different perpectives:

The father may be devastated to find out years down the track that he has a darling son he never knew about. He may have wanted to know.

He might not want to know. End of story :(

From a health and medical point of view, it would be better to know his medical history and that of his family.

If you did tell him he may think you were doing it for child support money only.:(

Your boy may grow up resenting the fact that he never had the oppurtunity to know his daddy, even if you and he were not in a relationship.

Your boy might grow up and not want to know him anyway for not sticking around.

I really hope none of this had offended you, as I was merely tying to look at it from an outsiders perpective. I guess it is a situation where you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. (((hugs)))

[melfunction]

Utimately, the decision is yours.
However, your child has a basic human right to have a chance to be loved by both parents and to know both parents. Your son's father also has the right to know he has a child.

[DB&O]

I think that you should listen to your heart, I know it would be hard to put yourself & your beautiful baby boy out there but you never know DS's dad may want to be very involved in raising your son & if not then at least you know that you did all you could to give your son a chance at having a relationship with his dad but this is purely my opinion & I by no means think I know what is best for your son, just sharing my thoughts. Good luck & remember we are all here for support or just someone to chat to, when & if you ever need it.:)

[Ana Gram]

That's certainly a tough situation to be in. I think it is fairly inevitable that your son will one day ask about his father. Perhaps if you looked into it now, there would be less disappointment for your son if the father doesn't want to know as your son would be older by then.
Also if he does want to know and be involved, it would give him the chance to be there for as long as your son's memory.

[WeThree]

I personally think you should let him know, but as the other girls said, it is ultimately up to you. Im just thinking of the horrible mess it will no doubt cause in the future.
Let him know what has happened, and let him know that you want nothing from him, you just thought he had a right to know his son (who is absolutely beautiful btw :) ) and that if he wants to get to know him, maybe you can work something out? let him know that he doesnt have to decide anything right now, but give him your number so that if he decides to see him, he can get in contact with you.
Best of luck to you, you are really brave to be handling such a tough situation so strongly! :)

[tyler's mum]

i'm kinda in the same situation,,, was not a one nite stand,,, tyler dad does not know about her,, i still think about telling him,, wondering how tyler will deal growing up with out a father,,, i relize every situation is different,, in my case he had a very bad temper anyway its a long stroy....

i know in my heart im doin the right thing,,, but still i wonder if im doin the right thing,,, its easy for other people to say he has the right to know,,, [people are always telling me this]... but untill they walk in your shoes,, they have no right to say anything....

i have wrote tyler a letter for when she is older,,, in the letter tells her everything that i know about her father,,,, not the bad stuff just like his name where his from and so on,,, dont lie to him and when he ask where his dad is,,, tell him the truth,,, i wish you the best.....

[Kristy1979]

It certainly is a hard situation to be in , and one that you ultimately have to make a decision on.
Why dont you try finding out more about him , maybe this would make a decision easier. Is he involved with anyone else? I'd find out as much as possible , even have you mothers group friends sus him out.
Like the other ladies said , it better that you satisfy yourself that you have done the right thing now than 10 years down the track when things could get ugly.
Any father would be a fool not to want to know there beautiful baby ... what ever the circumstance, but i feel you should at least give him the opportunity of knowing he has a son.

Best of luck with what ever you decide.

please dont be offended by anything ive written, im pregnant and emotional..

[Melissa1983]

I was in the same boat as you with Mikayla's Dad. But i ended up telling him, as i thought he would be in complete shock if Mikayla wanted to Meet him later on in life. But it hasnt made a difference to him, he doesn't see her at all, and she doesn't know him. I ring him and let him know when i am in Town and if he wants to see her he can.

The decision is up to you. But i told him so he wouldn't be freaked out.

Good luck

[mummy sam]

Thanks guys for input i'm really no closer to making a decision though arghh!

But no offence was taken kristy and and good luck with the bub. And i did like your advice on getting the mums to check him out if they can eg, partner ect.

And mummy of 2 was great to hear that you where/are in a similar situation. I'm kinda hoping that if i was to tell him he wouldn't want anything to do with my bub, i know that sounds really bad but we are going along really well and i would hate for something to happen to our little family.

I guess that my biggest fear is that he decides that he wants custody or something like that.

Anyway again thanks to those who have left feed back

[lovemybub]

Ooh. Tough area.

I always think it takes two people to make a baby and two people to raise one. Even if you don't live together, you are both the most important people in your son's life and both have a unique role to play that no one else can fulfill. And I think the father at least deserves to know that he has a son. What he decides to do with that information is up to him, but wouldn't you want to know if you had a child out there somewhere that was your own flesh and blood?

Are you on Centrelink benefits? I'm surprised you haven't had to chase the father up for child support because Centrelink will not usually give you any benefits unless you have taken steps to get any child support payable by the father.

I know it's tough, and it will be shock to the father to find out, but the longer you wait the harder it will be.

And don't forget, you deserve some support from the father too. I'm of the firm belief that parenting was never meant to be done by one person alone - you wear yourself out, if nothing else!

Wishing you all the best...

[mummy sam]

yeah i do recieve some centrelink but because it was a 1 night stand and details were exchanged (well he got my number) and i only have a first name there is nothing more i can do for them(centrelink).

i my not even be able to find him i only have a name of work place from a year ago he may haved moved on....

[Baby Girl]

Personally, I think he has the right to know he has a child. If the shoe were on the other foot wouldn't you like to know??

You could always write him a letter and say in it that you are quite happy to keep going on without his involvement but wanted to let him know he has a son. At least sometime in the future if your son or the 1 night stand want to meet each other it won't be such a shock or a bigger fight.

[SassyMummy]

I can see two sides to this...

Firstly, a lot of people are saying that he has the right to know he has a child, and that your child has a right to know his Daddy. I can see the point there - health-wise it might be better to know him, etc...and emotionally it may be beneficial for both parties also.

However, it may not. You do not know this man...all you know is what he looks like and how he behaved on ONE night in his life.

If it were me, I would definately suss him out before letting him know he had a child. As a mother, it's your job to protect him, and because you didn't have the chance to evaluate this guy as a potential father, you have no idea what he could be like.

He may be a very lovely man, but he could also be a horrid man...the type you wouldn't want to have any rights to your son. That's how I see it anyway.

Perhaps you could have someone else check him out, or even check him out for yourself whilst having someone else watch your bub. I wouldn't even mention your DS...just take the time to find out a little more about him. If he turns out to be a great guy, then I wouldn't hesitate in allowing him to have a part in your son's life.

However, if he's a pig, I would definately keep this little fact to myself.

I think that a lot of children benefit from having both parents...but they can do just as fine without. If your son later decides that he wishes to know his father, then he can make that choice for himself.

But I guess, if I were you, I'd just do what I think is best for my son's well-being... even if he gets a little cranky at you for it. (Kids never know what's best for them! lol).

Good luck!

[Barry]

From a legal point of view, you have the obligation to advise him that he is the father of a birthed child, or be seen to have tried to have advised him. Else later on down the track, if he is a person of lesser quality he may choose to use the legal system against you.

Worst still, hiding the fact from him would make any potential issues down the track harder to deal with as you have to both defend your historic action and fight for what you desire in the future. If he was a person of lesser quality you'd also have a lot more trouble trying to convince the legal system he isn't worthy of some level of custody, partial or otherwise as you're unable to evidence that he's been unwilling to envolve himself in the childs life or support the child in anyway as he never knew he had a child and his position would be that he has done the right thing and has been wronged.

Just something to be weary of.

[MumsieMel]

I think you should tell him.
He has a right to know.

If you were him you'd want to know.

The outcome could be one of many but you will not know until you contact him.
I think you should do all you can to give your son his father.

If he wants not part then thats it, but if he does you should let him.

Good luck hope you work things out.

[hayleylea]

LIke most people have said in the end the decision is yours and im not going to critise you for any decision you make....

In my opinion i would tell him and i do think he has a right to know...it will be a huge shock to him to find out now but imagine the shock when and if your son finds him at the age of 18 or more! Atleast this way he (the father) has a choice to know his son or in other circumstances not to know him. Atleast later on down the track your son wont resent you for not having a father because you gave the father the choice..if your son finds out you didnt even tell his father then it could cause all sorts of problems and resentment - ?? Well thats what i think anyway.

If you do tell him and the father wants nothing to do with him then you go on living the life you guys are - and im sure its a wonderfull life :D I dont believe that kids NEED 2 perants to live a fullfilling life....if they do then great but one person can give just as much love as 2.

This is purely just my opinion i dont want to upset or offend you in anyway....you sound like a great mum who is just in sticky situation and im sure whatever way it goes you will both be ok :)

[Melissa1983]

I'm kinda hoping that if i was to tell him he wouldn't want anything to do with my bub, i know that sounds really bad but we are going along really well and i would hate for something to happen to our little family.


I was excatly the same, i didn't want him to have anything to do with her, and he doesn't still. He pays his $20 a month maintenance and thats it!
I have got a photo of him, and anything that his parents give her put away in a box, so when she is older i can tell her about what happened, and the decision is up to her if she wants to meet him, i don't want her to hate me for not telling her about him.

If you want to talk about it, just PM me!

[samecutie222]

i also think he has the right to know!
it's your choice, but thats my opinion

if you don't tell the dad the child will wonder growing up if they weren't there because they just didn't know......or if they weren't there because they wouldn't have been there anyway

tell him and make it clear that you dont want his child support, if he wants to help thats great, but you are not going to do anything about chasing him for it
and that you are just telling him so he can make his own choice about whether he has a relationship with the child or not

i am a single mum and things get real hard with my ex, but i wouldnt change it for the world for the smile on my little mans face once a week when he sees his daddy, that is much much more important than how hard it is emotionally for me

i hope that perspective is seen, as it's important

but it is not an easy road so just do what you feel is best.

i believe he should know he is a dad, i could not imagine someone not giving me my basic right of knowing i was a parent, one night stand or not.

good luck in it all xxx