Defending ourselves

[jakeys mum]

I am 23 years old. our first son is now 9 months old:)

my maternity leave runs out in 2 weeks. I really dont want to go back. basically i never loved my job, i worked to live not the oter way round and i will miss my son

I was wondering if anyone out there had recieved what i will call THE LOOK or even comments from people when they decided not to return to work?

My partner and i are not the richest people in the world yet we are by no means poor. Basically we decided that by the time i went back to work and paid for child care we would be in the same financial position but our son would be spending 3 days in childcare and the other two with family, not with me.

So far all my fellow mums and even childless friends cant understand my decision. i get comments like "wont you get bored?" "Are you just going to sponge off the govt.?" and then theres that silent look that seems to say all this and more.

Even my family seems to think that all mothers work now.

How did everyone cope? please help me if someone doesn't i will find myself railroaded into work!!!:(

[the_queen]

I know what you mean. I have worked off and on since Vallerie was born. Most recently I was working 3 days a week (but whenever my boss asked me to work on the off-days I had to be available - I was only casual and was threatened with the sack a few times) so Vally was in full time child care. This was costing us $150 a week, and that was before fee's went up recently!!! With that cost, plus petrol driving her to and from child care and driving me to and from work, plus costs of dry-cleaning my office clothes, a bit of money for both DH and me to buy morning tea etc, .... it all added up, and seriously since I quit my job we haven't been that much worse off!! I am happier, I'm less stressed about Vallerie, I don't have that pang of regret about missing out on important parts of her life. My (very old-fashioned;) ) DH is happier because the house is cleaner, everything runs more smoothly, there's a nice home-cooked dinner on the table every night (well, ok, most nights :rolleyes: ) and we have weekends free (not that we ever really do much, but still, it's there if need be!) because I am not frantically doing a weeks worth of housework on Saturdays.

I have gotten looks from people. I have gotten sneers, snide comments, etc etc. At the end of the day, if someone else has a problem with the way I manage my family life, then it really is their problem not mine. Don't they have anything else to worry about?? And how does it affect them whether I work or not?? Some people just like to judge others I think - it's a pre-emptive thing, because they're so insecure that they themselves will be judged for their choices.

DO NOT feel railroaded into doing something you don't want to do. The only people who will be affected by your decision about working is you, your partner and your son. So nobody elses opinion should enter into the discussion. Including mine haha:p so you do what you feel is right, matey.

[the_queen]

oh, just had to add, I love how people who have never been a professional stay-at-home-mum say "won't you get bored" ..... oh my GOD i sometimes feel overwhelmed, sometimes it's repetitive, sometimes it's not very mentally challenging, but i am NEVER bored....... Like any job, it becomes what you make it. :)

[Kirstlea]

Its funny to hear that people give the look when you suggest not going back to work.

I have a friend who has to go back to work - very reluctantly and when she told me my first comment was oh what a bugger.

It has never occured to me that people would think theres something weird about not wanting to go back to work.

I do get comments asking me why I don't put dd in day care which really annoys me:mad:

My comment is always I did not have children for someone else to look after. That always stops them:p

That one may work for you.

Here is some food for thought.

Why go back to an old job, when you are already enjoying the job you do now especially if it is not going to make the finances any better?

Even before you became a mum would you have gone back to an old job?

Hope this helps put things in an easier light for you.

Kirsten

[SassyMummy]

It was suggested to me the other day that I "return to the workforce soon" by a friends' mother. I was a bit annoyed. I'm 19...it's not like I'm going to be "too old to employ" any time soon.

I get the whole "sponging off the government" thing occassionally, but I figure that since being a SAHM is a full-time job and then some, I deserve to get paid for doing so! Our jobs as SAHMs offer no real time-off, no "over-time" and no health insurance. We can't just "come home and relax" after the clock strikes 5. People need to realise that there IS worth in being a mother. I believe people should feel LUCKY to live in a country where mothers choosing to take care of their children at home are helped out a little by the government.

I also think the pressure on mothers in incredible. If you're a SAHM, many people think you're lazy and old-fashioned and everyone thinks you should get off your bum and get a job. If you're a working mother, you're labelled as "not a real mum" because you pay someone else to raise your kids when you're not available to do so. You can't win either way. I think Women's Liberation solved many problems...but now we're kind of OVER liberated...we're expected to be everything at once. Since we now have the RIGHT to work...people assume that that's what we SHOULD be doing.

Go back to work only when you feel ready. Some mother's do get bored...a lot of the time I think about how grateful I'd be to have a job. But I never even LOOK at jobs vacancies...because I can't bear the thought of leaving my little baby in the care of someone else. That...and I'd be no better off financially if I worked.

People need to understand that just because you're not working right now, doesn't mean you NEVER WILL. You'll do so in your own time, if you choose to.

[onabreak]

Last week I had a job interview for part time work for 15 hours or so a week, and I worked it out that if I went to work and put DD in childcare what would I end up with in my pocket, not much. So I cancelled the interview and will be a SAHM. My mum and dad were shocked when I said I was going to look for a job as when my mum was bringing me and the rest of my family up she wasn't expected to go back to work. But times are different now I suppose.

Do what you feel is right that is what most people will say, don't get pushed into want other people will think or expect you to do, only you know what is best for you and your child.

Regarding sponging of the government I only get the minimum $44.10/fortnight now that is nothing to write home about.

[Ana Gram]

I think for a lot of us, it just doesn't make financial sense to go back to work. You can only do what works for your family and everyone else can bugger off!

[JnA]

Hi

I have been given the 'but you were so happy in your job' line. And that's true, I was happy in my old job, but I am also happy in the job of motherhood... perhaps even more so (my new boss doesn't look sternly at me when I haven't studied my lines.. she can't even read :D ) .

DP earns a good enough wage for us to live comfortably, I don't get any payment from the government at all and I'm proud that we can live like we are, we both worked darn hard to get ourselves into this situation before we had kids, we deserve our ability to make the SAHM choice.

I have found the main people that hint to me about going back to work are the ones that have no concern about my 'bordom', need to talk to other adults or desire to stimulate my mind, they simply wish they were a little more secure.

[rynosmum]

I hope you don't think I'm a fraud for posting in this thread as I work full time.

It's interesting though that if you choose to be a SAHM, people tend to find the negative in it. All I seem to get is the negative comments as well about the fact that I work.

My DS is at home with family 2 days per week and in daycare (which he loves) for three days - my mother especially can't handle the idea of daycare.

You certainly can never make everyone happy - no matter what you choose to do.

We all do what we have to and as Chelle says - tell them to bugger off !:D

[kuz78au]

We all do what we have to and as Chelle says - tell them to bugger off !

Here! here!

I'm a SAHM and am pondering going back to work but only for finances. We can manage without me going back (the gov't assistance is a lifesaver - the formula, nappies, dr's visits, chemists etc a week add up!) but I'm worried about what kind of life do I want for us and one day be able to buy a house.......but at the moment I'm swaying to staying at home because I too don't want to put Will in childcare. But I do want him to be social and I don't know a lot of people with kids around his age.... :o Still unsure!?!

It totally bugs me how people perceive SAHM's and how everyone expects you to return to work. I hate working because it stresses me out (but I love the social aspect!), at least when I get stressed at home I can cope with it better. I seem to have more control if that makes sense! So when it comes to other people saying things (esp sponging off the gov't - that's just downright RUDE!), tell them to bugger off!

Also I never EVER put anyone down who returns to work because I understand today's demands and everyone has a different reason for returning. I think people's decisions are their own and no-one should be taking that away from you!

Be cheeky like me and tell people you are doing it for your country! That always stirs up people! LOL! :D

[nemosmum]

K- I was going to post the exact same thing LOL:D no matter what us mums decide to do we are always going to cop flak for it which basically sux as we are all doing th best we can!!!

When I decided to go back to work part time I had people saying "oh you really should go back full time you know, financially you need the money" which made me feel like I wasnt going to provide for my child......AND other people said "Oh but your baby is so young, day care is so bad for babies!" making me feel like the worst mum in the world for making any choice at all:mad:

People should just do as Oprah does......Have no judgement at all, live and let live:) :D hehehehehe

[M O P]

People making these comments are probably the same ones who complain about kids going off the rails cause their mothers weren't at home!! You can't win in some eyes. Just please yourself and do what's right for you in your situation. Like I said, there's no pleasing some people!

I really have no choice as the closest place to work- Broken Hill- is about an hour and a half away. I was working up til now away for a week at a time, once a month, in Coober Pedy- would drive 4 and a half hours to Adel then my employer would fly me up and back and everything was paid for me while away. Obviously this won't be an option with a baby! My employers didn't want me doing this after 20 weeks incase anything was to go wrong up there- which is completely understandable and gives us peace of mind too. Down the track our children will have to be home schooled so working then is out of the question.

Heaps of people have suggested to me I can keep working, through an agency, in Adelaide til the baby gets a lot closer. This is fine and the money would be nice but by the time I drive down and back, stay somewhere- with friends or family- so help with groceries etc, buy my lunch and bus tickets it's not really worth it. And people also don't seem to realise how much work I do here on our property and in the office. And also, maybe I don't really want to leave my DH home alone- possibly going the week without seeing another person!!(He is used to it but that's not the point, we do miss each other.)

[jakeys mum]

Thankyou to all the SAHM"s and working mums who replied. You are all so right.:D

i never really considered that even if i went back to work i would undoubtedly encounter negativity from someone else. My partner keeps telling me that all that matters is our family and as long as Jacob and i are happy he couldn't care less what i choose to do.

As for the gov't payments i will now explain to these people that with our working conditions a small amount of pay is not "sponging." I also intend to use the 'I'm doing it for my country line';)

I have a meeting with my boss today and quite honestly i have been dreading attending it and i just realised something. If i can't stand the thoughtof going to a meeting there, how am i going to feel when i have to go there every day?

[Peaceangels]

My comment is always I did not have children for someone else to look after. That always stops them:p

I like that! I'm going to use that one! Thanks :)

It really is personal choice (sometimes governed by finances) & really should be nobody's business but your own.

[Pixie]

I know what you mean, I think nowadays many women do have kids and head back to work 12 weeks later sometimes longer so people expect you to go back.

I stopped working when I was 11 weeks due to biological hazzards in my job..but no way am I going back..had another job offer just when I found out I was pregnant too :rolleyes:

My job now is being a mummy..and now when people ask me are you going back to work I say no I am going to raise the next generation that will keep me busy for 15-20 years more :D

like what's it got to do with any one but you!

[madvoice]

I'm on the opposite end of the scale. I've had a lot of negativity about actually going back to work full time. I think whatever a mother decides is best for her and her child is the right decision.

[nut]

Yay for doing what is best for your family! We are all so different and we all make our choices with the best for our families at the centre of our minds. I often get comments about returning to work. I am happy and proud to be a SAHM! We are fortunate to be able to afford it, and I am fortunate enough to adore my life at home with bubba. It is the right choice for us, and I don't intend to go back until DS is well at kinder, or even started school.:)
One comment I find wierd is the question "but don't you feel you need more to life than wiping a bottom and packing a nappy bag?"
Well, no! And does that make me less intelligent, or creative than someone who does need more than that? I think not!:D

[Brooksy]

Hi there,

I actually do want to be a stay at home mum but unfortunately with a mortage, that is not possible and i have to go back to work in 2 weeks time. I get more comments about me going back to work like there is something wrong with it.
Yet im sure if I was a stay at home mum I would get comments as well. So sometimes you just can't win either way.

My little girl will be with her grandparents three days and will come to work with me the other two days - I work in a child care centre so I can go in and see her any time.

I think we have to stop listening to everyone else's negative comments and do what's right for our own families.

[mumoftwoboys2005]

I am a SAHM and have not intention of going back to work. Before DS#2 was born, I worked with my Mum. She keeps trying to lure me back to work now as the lady who was hired to take my place isn't what they expected. I went back to work when DS#1 was 6 weeks old as I worked for a Taxi Company and they needed a Radio Dispatcher over the Christmas Break. Besides that, we really needed the money then as we were paying off big debts accrued by DH before we got married. (Men have no idea about money sometimes, do they?) It broke my heart every day to leave my tiny baby in someone elses arms. I won't do it with this one. I did 2 weeks fulltime when bubs was 3 months old so Mum could go on holidays. Never again. I lasted 3 days and told her that I never ever had any intention of coming back to work. I did the rest of my 2 weeks and apart from going in and fixing the computer when the boss gets to it, I only go there to visit so the drivers can play with Shane. I was told by our accountant that we would be worse off if I went back to work. I don't need to be told twice. By the same token, we don't have a mortgage and only a little loan for my car. I have come up with some very inventive ways to stretch the budget. :) We always have the rent paid and food on the table and that's all that counts. To be able to play with my boys when I want to is just the best feeling, and I am always home when their Daddy comes home from a days work.

Sorry this is so long. It really comes down to you. You do what you think is best for you and your family. They will always love you either way. And yep, tell the rest of them to mind their own business.

Best of luck. :)