Co-parenting/Shared Custody. Who's done it?

[IheartOman]

Hi there,

Can you tell me:

How old was your child/ren?

What were the positive and negative effects on the child?

How did you handle it?

And any other comments you would like to make would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

Shani.

[nemosmum]

My sister has been in this situation for almost a year

her son was two in feb.

he spent sat-tues with my sis and weds-sat with his dad

the grandma's take care of him during the week as both my sis and her ex work full time

it was hard for everyone especially her son he was very tense and cried alot at drop off and pick ups
it seemed very unsettling for him not having the stability of one set home iykwim BUT thats just my opinon

my sis is just now going through the courts as she and her ex both want full custody

i hope that helps

[IheartOman]

Thanks Nemosmum :)

[Scout]

Friends of ours have been doing this since their DD was two - she is now 12, and one of the most well-adjusted, charming pre-teenagers I have met!

She spends a couple of nights with her mum and then at dad's and just keeps doing this throughout the week - or plans also change as required.

The mum and dad (and dad's long-term partner) are on amazing terms and work with each other in the most amazing way. They socialise a lot ie christmas' together, holidays etc.

It is the most wonderful relationship - I think that it has taken a while to get to that though.

[Tam-I-Am]

Not me, but one of my very close friends, who I've known since high school, had a baby who is now 6. she and her x-dp broke up when the baby was 18 months old or thereabouts, and from then on they split care 50/50 - with no legal documents or anything.

He's since married, and she's since gotten a steady partner, and they've both made it clear to their partners that the little boy comes first, and nothing will jeopardize their respective relationships with him - or each other for that matter. They're still quite close (ie she went to his wedding, they attend the same social gatherings, have a lot of shared friends etc).

Their little boy is bright as a button, very well adjusted and knows he is loved. The added benefit for each parent has been that they get very definite together-and-apart time, which they both appreciate.

I don't think it would work for me - but I have seen it work extremely well for this family, but only because they 1) kept it very civilised even IMMEDIATELY after their break-up - and have since redeveloped their friendship and 2) really work at making it work for everybody involved. They're both very accommodating people, have great communication and have their child's best interests at the top of their priority list.

I think without true commitment to it, it would be very hard to make it work - but its certainly not impossible.

HTH :)

[IheartOman]

Yeah that's great Tam-I-Am.

How did the baby take it at 18 months old being in two different houses? Was he/she feeling unsteady because they weren't at one house all the time etc? Or did they adjust well?

Thanks.

[Tam-I-Am]

From what I understand, he adjusted pretty well. He had a couple of teary moments at drop off, but both parent tried to accomodate his needs in that respect - phone calls were never limited, and if he were really pining for one of the parents, the other would contact and a visit would be arranged.

Its also worth noting that they didn't do 1-week-on/1-week-off, the did something like Monday - Wednesday and Thursday - Sunday, then swap after 2 weeks, so they both got weekdays AND weekends with him.

[IheartOman]

Ah yes, good thinking there.

Thanks :)

[Pippi Longstocking]

My brother has 50/50 care of his daughter. It works really well for them and both parents have worked really hard to make sure that their daughter's welfare is of top priority. My niece is thriving - she is a most excellent kid (she's nearly 8) and adjusts well to living in two homes.

I think it can be done and work really well but both parents have to be committed, mature and not use the child as a pawn in any games of spite or revenge. If both parents are devoted to the child and want the best for them and are both able to care for the child, then shared care is the way it should be when parents separate.

[lovingbailey]

Hi, I've just recently separated from my husband and am facing the fight of my life to ensure he does not get shared time with our son. The courts seem to be favouring this new arrangement but it just doesnt suit everyone. My ex never shared the care when we were together and he doesn't know how to look after a baby. My son is 11 months old (he was 10 months when we separated) and his father decided the marriage was over because he didn't want anymore children and hadn't enjoyed the one we havesince he was born. He then proceeded to take over th house and the big family car and then demand shared care. Does this sound like the sort of man who should be nurturing a beautiful little baby? Sorry for the vent but feeling very frustrated at the moment. I shouldn't have to fight for the safety and wellbeing of my son.

[SweetAngels]

I have a 5 year old daugther (6 in Jan) I would do shared custody with her dad if he lived in the same town. But he lives an hour and a half away, so that doesn't work for school.

As much as I love DD and it would kill me to do it I would anyway. Her dad isn't exactly the 'best' dad there is, but he's learning, he's very caring and loving towards her, and most of all he does keep her safe. So I wouldn't have a problem with it, I know how important it is for my DD to have close relationships with both her father and me.

At the moment he has her every second weekend and one week of the holidays.

[Ekoorb]

No we dont do shared care and in our situation I dont believe it would work. My son is lucky if his father wants to see him for more than three hours a week. He wouldnt fight me for it anyway, he complains if I ask him to have him for more than an hour and a half after he finishes work one or two nights a week and there is no way he would give up his weekend.

[Xanthic]

When my son was born I looked after him every second day while I was on leave for 2 weeks. From then on I was caring for him 3 nights per week for the first year.

Now I have my son and daughter on alternate weeks from Friday afternoon till Sunday midday/afternoon.

It drives me crazy being prevented from seeing both my children at the same time. I know it is much harder looking after both at the same time but I want to be a father to both my children at the same time and not one at a time. This also means I only get to see my children every second weekend.

I'm having to fight to be a father to my children.

[Mum2Reuben]

My ex is trying for 50/50. The thought of not having my little boy for a whole week just kills me. I think that I would do it for him if I knew it was the best thing... but I'm not so sure about this two homes thing...

I told my ex to try living in two houses, one week on and off for six months and tell me how he goes... haha

What I fear most is having my ex in my life so much... 50/50 care only works if the parents can communicate well... I left him because he is the biggest soul destroying, game playing, controlling and emotionally abusive man I've ever met (yes I don't know why I married him - low self esteem probably)... it terrifies me to think I would have to deal with him indepth on a weekly and possibly daily basis... we have never been able to peacefully make a decision ever... no I am not exagerating...

I think the new 50/50 presumption is dangerous for women who are trying to escape abusive situations... it is an avenue for the men to try to continue to mess with their ex's lives...

And I know that there is a flip side of the woman taking the kids to punish and hurt the ex... but that is rare... mostly we are trying to get away to a better safer place so that we can be better mums.

It's really not the easiest option to leave... but sometimes its the sanest option.

[mama kare]

hi there
my ex and i trialled a week on, week off custody with our 2yr old DD.

she was 1 when i left the house we shared to live with my parents and it almost had (what seems like it) no effect on her i think.. im not sure.

it was very hard on the weeks i didnt have her, as i found myself with nothing to do. being a stay at home mother at the time, it was a very "lost" time for me.

positives - i got to do whatever i liked with DD when she came to visit and i found that i made much more of an effort to be calmer and happier when she visited me (i had PND).. i would organise activities like painting and drawing for her most days and tried to take her for a walk, a drive or to a park each day - time i really learnt to value 120% that is for sure.. it helped me overcome the PND (most of it anyway) as it reminded me that life is so prescious with our children, we have to make the most of it.

another positive about this arrangement was for the first few days after DD went back to her dads i would do the grocery shopping, visit friends and make time for the other people in my life that i cared for.

negatives - you miss them like crazy when they aren't there and feel quite alone and sad after a few days! specially when you have seen them everyday since they were born, can be quite disheartening.

hope this helps :)