Parenting as a step parent?

[nemosmum]

Just wondering what your thoughts are on step parents "parenting" their step kids?

Im talking discipline and routines etc

Im just asking coz I was at my sisters the other night and her fiance threatened to smack her son after he thwacked him on the leg he said "I will smack you you know so dont do that again!"

I was really pi$$ed off that my sis didnt say anything about it at the time

so I asked her later and told her it made me really uncomfy that her fiance said that

she said she was uncomfy too but wants him to parent her son so that included discipline

im interested to hear what others thoughts are on this as everything Ive read says the step parent shouldnt be the disciplinarian (sp)

anyone read any gd books on this .....so I can recomend them to my sis

all help/posts much appreciated:)


ETA~ Her fiance is also very much for controlled crying and my sis cant stand the thought of letting her son cry it out so to speak so they are at each other about this also
should he back off and let her parent her son?

they have only been together for 5mths, I just feel like his still a stranger in both their lives so he shouldnt get a say....am I wrong?

[EskimoMumma]

I am all for DP dishing out displiscin to my DS. As long as its run by me first. And we have agreed to it. Even as a stepparent there is still a bond there and authoritve figure.(Although not as strong as a parents)

I personally believe she should speak to him and maybe suggest to your sister some ground rules on parenting and what will happen when the child does something wrong, etc. So they are on the same ground.

I'd be horrified if DP went beyond those boundaries.

[SassyMummy]

If I was partnered up with someone who wasn't DD's father, I'd expect him to discipline my daughter, but in a way that supported my parenting choices, not challenged them in any way. Basically doing what I'd do.

I think you HAVE to have both bio-parents and step-parents disciplining, because otherwise kids will quickly learn to just misbehave whenever their bio parent isn't around, because they'll get away with it.

[HunterzMummy]

i think thats discipline is an important role in a step childs life (any child for that matter) but they need to know they cant over step the boundaries just because it isnt there real 'parent' however just like any situation its what both parents agree on is appropriate.:)

[nemosmum]

I see your point Sassy, I just think it might breed resentment in a child so young
my sister is always there so its not like he has the opportunity or needs to discipline my dn coz my sis is there to do that

I guess i just feel icky about this guy (whose almost a stranger in my eyes anyway) being stern with my lil nephew

[SassyMummy]

Yeah, no I hope you know I agree with you. If your sister is uncomfortable with it, then he needs to back off (perhaps she needs to tell him to do so before he will!)... and yeah, I agree... he's a stranger in their lives. It's not his place... he can't just move on in and become a father in a matter of minutes... it'll take time before that role belongs to him (in part).

I think he just needs to support her. If she says to her son, "hey don't do that," and then leaves the room, I think he should be there to say, "Your mother told you not to do that, please stop," or something, but it's definately not his place to be taking it into his own hands.

[nemosmum]

yeah I agree

I feel like he should get to know my dn before he starts parenting him

BUT thats just my nosey opinon lol if it was up to me i wouldnt have moved so fast to begin with shes only known him 5mths BUT hey Im allowed to be judgmental coz shes my sis:rolleyes: :D

[MummyCharmzy]

in a relationship that is that new I think it should be what the the parent says goes. If things were more established then it gets more complicated but in that situation I think the partner needs to step back a bit.

I think the best thing your sis can do is talk to her partner about it openly. Sort it out now.

[defaipe]

no i do think its wrong. 5months?! thats crazy. i wouldnt have anyone threatening to smack my girls after 5months.. thats ridiculous..

how old is your nephew?

and as for cc.. OMG! lets just say i wouldnt still be in that relationship :laughing:

[catalicious]

This Is JMO!!

BUT.......


I think that he SHOULD be allowed to disipline his step son...

Within reason (if its the same punishment she would give to her son)

He is just trying to step into the role that he needs to as he is going to be marrying your sis..... It might not be fair on the kids and I completly agree with that

But with getting engaged so early on in their relationship thats the position they have put themseles into.... I think thats the part that is unfair on the kiddies....

But Again JMO....

You cant exactly say to someone take on all the parental resonsibilties oh just not disipline..... If you get what I mean....

[OJandMe]

hmmm...


just a thought... but if they are getting married... shouldn't they have already talked about this?????????????

It's a big part of a relationship involving children.. and to not have talked about such an important issue.... that will cause problems.

There are a lot of things that you should discuss with someone before consenting to spend the rest of your life with them....

Makes me wonder what else they haven't talked about.....

JMO.

[Hannahs Mum]

I guess it depends on your sister.
maybey the boy is out of control and your sister needed a more sterner approach to discipline and is struggling.
Perhaps she is afraid of losing the guy if she makes a big deal.

Its hard can be lonely for single mums.
5 months is a short time.
However I knew my husband 9months before I met is daughter and it took me about 6 months to start disciplining her. My husband was really struggling, and even now I am the main disciplinarian for my dsd.

However he is the main disciplinarian for our dd.

[Noah_and_Elijah]

If I was partnered up with someone who wasn't DD's father, I'd expect him to discipline my daughter, but in a way that supported my parenting choices, not challenged them in any way. Basically doing what I'd do.

Agreed just too lazy to write it myself... :p

[DivinelySophistimicated]

I am in this position....My DP discilines my DD...

At first It didnt seem right, I thought she would start to hate him in a way IYKWIM but It proved to be working for us, If she does something wrong she gets in trouble off whoever is there...

What if she did something naughty and he was there but I wasnt?? Then she would get away with it...

I say just sit tight, I know our protective of your nephew but he is your sisters child and is now part of a family with his step-dad.. I think you should leave the parenting to them :)

[tally]

I am in this position....My DP discilines my DD...

At first It didnt seem right, I thought she would start to hate him in a way IYKWIM but It proved to be working for us, If she does something wrong she gets in trouble off whoever is there...

What if she did something naughty and he was there but I wasnt?? Then she would get away with it...

I say just sit tight, I know our protective of your nephew but he is your sisters child and is now part of a family with his step-dad.. I think you should leave the parenting to them :)


I agree, I found it really hard emotionally to accept someone else disciplining MY children..(was a single mum for about 7yrs) but had to learn that my DH is a part of our family in every way, discipline included.

We really havent had any major issues over the last 5ish years and I think it comes down to my DH having had that element of control from early on and my boys have a lot of respect for him.

[Lastcenturymum]

hmmm...


just a thought... but if they are getting married... shouldn't they have already talked about this?????????????

It's a big part of a relationship involving children.. and to not have talked about such an important issue.... that will cause problems.

There are a lot of things that you should discuss with someone before consenting to spend the rest of your life with them....

Makes me wonder what else they haven't talked about.....

JMO.


Im so with you on this one. It scares me the way some people fall into relationships (not having a go at the sister, just talking generally) and don't discuss important issues like this.

She should do most of the discipline as she normally does and he should back up and affirm (not smack with stupid lines like 'so she won't do it again)

A lot of people don't think about discipline, they bring to a role what they were brought up with and think that works but it's not always the best way.

The fact she didn't discuss it with him after the incident really really bothers me. The child is going to get mixed messages and inconsistent standards. You have a right to be concerned for your sister.

I admire anyone who can 'step-parent' I would find it so difficult