men...

[HollyHotLips]

I do have a good DH, dont get me wrong, but the last few weeks he has been doing my head in big time. :gloomy:

He goes out to work, gets home about 5pm. I look after DD all day plus I am now working part time (I do audio typing) - I fit it in around her sleeping / having rest time but of course some days she grizzles a bit. basically it takes me all day to do work I used to knock off in a few hours. I need to work, we need the money and childcare is not an option as a) I dont want to leave her and b) there would be no point my working as the money I earn would be wiped out in childcare costs.

I liked being a SAHM and I also like being able to earn my own money. That is not the issue.

The issue is my DH - he just doesnt understand how I feel.

Lately we have been arguing a lot, which is not normal for us as in the last 6 years we've been together we'd had maybe two or three arguments. I get frustrated as I am on my own all day, I have no-one to turn to if DD is grizzly and I just need some "me time" (we are from UK and family is all over there, my friend who lives down the road is on hols at the mo and no time to drive to the other side of the city to see other friends). When he looks after her in the evenings if she gets too much I can take over. There is no-one here to take over for me when it gets too much...

When he gets home from work yes, I do give DD to him as I think she needs to spend time with him as she gets quite clingy towards me and just wants to be with me all the time. In the evenings we both look after her, we cook our tea (often he does something for himself as I am just not yet into meat again) and later on while I am putting her to bed he washes up, sorts the cats and puts the rubbish out.

We take it in turns to sort her bottles out.

The rest of the housework it appears is down to me, which is what causes most of the arguing. He had a go at me last night becuase i hadnt emptied the recycling box - bearing in mind I had found time to wash the bedding (which would not get done if it wasnt for me as he never thinks to do it) and had a full day of working and baby care. I try talking to him but he says I snap at him and have a go, plus he always replies "you wanted kids" which really makes me mad. :banghead:

In the first few weeks yes, he was the one getting up to DD most of the time (becuase he is a light sleeper and heard her and also even if I got up he would be wide awake anyway so i didnt see the point...) but that was over a month ago now, she sleeps through the night and he doesnt even have to feed her before he goes to work as she doesnt wake now until 8.30.

I just wondered if anyone else has these types of issues? Am I being unreasonable wanting him to help out more with housework and spend more time with DD?

Thanks for taking the time to read, it helps just offloading :o

[~mia&ryan~]

Oh hun have loads of hugs :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: Sometimes men just dont get it at all... They think things are done by magic!!!!:rolleyes: :hugs:

[Lastcenturymum]

Try and talk about it in a quiet moment rather than argue - don't do the I, I, I conversation which will only make him get defensive, but ask his opinions on how he's feeling/adjusting, sees things etc and you may get a lot of info from that so your discussion can be positive on how to work around it.

Guys often don't understand how demanding it is to be home all day with a baby and kinda expect things to just get done, without realizing how much effort it takes when you have a grizzly bub.

Also you are both pretty new at this parent thing, it takes time to adjust especially with lack of sleep etc. Don't be too hard you yourself or him:hugs:

[Kadwil]

A 3 month old baby and you are back working? No wonder you are looking for help! I have had this discussion with many a chauvenistic male (not if that's how you spell it!). If it is the woman's job to look after the house and the man's job to earn the income, why then do you have to help him with his job and he not help you with yours? That's not fair. Looking after a baby and a house is more than a full-time job and it is hard for men to understand that. Maybe that is how you could explain it to him?

I agree with LastCenturyMum, look for a quiet moment and if there aren't any, make an 'appointment' with him when DD is in bed. You aren't alone with this problem, I think this battle goes on in many households! As for the 'you wanted kids' comment... OK best to leave that one alone or I will get into trouble...

[Roopee]

You have some great advice here.

Its incredibly difficult, adjusting from purely looking after yourself and your own needs to having a baby and having to look after them as well.
When you have a child, sometimes it feels like you have TWO (the other being DH) to look after as, because your at home, they seem to expect you to be able to do it all- which is really unfair. Somedays thats an impossible task.

So as a mum, you start to feel guilty.
Guilty that the house isn't always clean.
Guilty that while your working your neglecting your baby.
Guilty that your neglecting DH.
You really do need to talk to him- find out how he is feeling and make sure you tell him how is actions (or lack of) are affecting you.
Sounds like you could do with some of these:hugs::hugs:

[samken]

I'm going to ask becausse I'm curious: Didn't he want kids? I always find the male selective memory a fascinating tool. Sort of short term and unimaginative.

Ok, for something more constructive. Comments like that are usually because a person is feeling threatened. All the above advice is great My recommendation during your conversation with DH is start writing up a list of housework and divy them up. He seems fine doing the things that he is expected to do but probably isnt aware of the others.

[HollyHotLips]

Thanks for all your suggestions and advice, I will certainly give them a try :thumbsup:

He was of the "not bothered" with kids really, neither wanted them nor didnt want them just "whatever". I keep telling him if you didnt want a kid you shouldnt have had sex in the first place but there we go..... I asked him last night if I was going to hear him say that for the next 18 years...?!

Thanks again :)