Need to vent about DH

[Mumma_al]

Im sorry for this but i really need to vent some things about DH. I have just about had it with him.

I am on mat leave with my 15wk old daughter (my first baby). I also care for his 2 boys from previous marrage (we have full custody) my DH is in the Army so every now and then he's away from home, while i soley care for the kids and work. Lately I have had just about enough of him.

He doesnt help with the baby. I breastfeed so i get up to her through the night. I dont wake Dh up because he has to work, he thinks this is great. but he still thinks that this should happen on weekends and doesnt give me a break. He doesnt change her nappy, he just passes her to me or lets her cry until i get to her. He wont bath her unless I ask and then i have to ask atleast 4-5 times, he wont dress her and will leave her in her cot in just a nappy until i can get to her. I ask him to watch her while i cook dinner, his idea of this is leaving her in the lounge room to cry while he plays the computer and i still have to go check on her.

I do all the house work, cooking. cleaning... everything. He doesnt pick up after himself or his boys. I have asked them to help me and atleast put there things away. but none of them do (and the boys are old enough to do all this) I have to repeat myself atleast 5 times and then they wonder while i start yelling and complaining about having to repeat myself. DH then yells at me because im nagging and being a B*tch.

The baby has being really upset the last few days and I dont know why. I asked him if he had any ideas and he just yells at me "I dont fricken know" MIL (whom i trust) said i should try her on some baby food, so i did last night. DH yelled at me because i was doing it wrong, mind you he never offered to show me how. He has raised kids before. I've never had to feed a baby like that before or even been around people who have.

I could go on all day about his behaviour. Im at my wits end about what to do

[the_queen]

Mumma_Al (((hugs))) to you and your cute cute little bubba :)

I'm in pretty much the same boat as you, so I can't really give you any advice. My little baby is 4.5 yrs old now, and I found out what DH was really like after she was born. I used to get myself all upset and depressed because I had high expectations of him, and he just refused to do anything. Now I just look at it like I've got 2 kids, a 4.5 yr old girl and a 31 yr old toddler :p And when mine yells at me, then he doesn't get things done for him ie washing his clothes, making his lunch, etc etc.
Sorry I don't have any actual advice for you matey, just wanted to tell you you're not alone, I know what you're going through. It must be even harder for you because you've got the two older step-kids to look after too. You're right, they should be putting their own things away - I know it's hard to let the house go to rack and ruin, but if I was you I would just stop putting their stuff away. And (if you have the same problem as me re: dirty washing) have a dirty clothes basket, and only wash whats in it. Only wash dishes that are put onto the sink. If they've left dirty dishes out, then no dinner until they've put them on the sink. You've got to be tough about this girl!!:) It's hard I know, with a little bubby you probably feel over-whelmed but remember: "I am WOMAN, hear me roar" ;) If you want something said, ask a man - but if you want something DONE, ask a woman.

Keep your chin up and vent your frustration here on bubhub whenever you like.

[maybe1more]

Im so sorry ladies for having to deal with this, its hard enought looking after a baby and doing the house hold chores and getting dinner organised each and every night, but without help my god things are a nightmare!
I really feel for you both as my dp was like this at the begining, untill i got to breaking point and told him to get his sh*t together and start acting like a father and pulling his weight, i told him i was better off on my own as it was like i was a single mum, i may sound a little harsh but i needed him to take notice of what he WASNT doing! They dont understand that they get up and go to work everyday and they have variety and can go to the lunch bar and get someone to make there lunch, and talk to diffrent people, while we are at home, we dont have the option of just geting up and go somewhere, we have to basicly take the kitchen sink and dart out in between bubs sleeps and even them its just to do some shopping! Our lives change while their`s seem to stay the same:mad:
It took me till my son was about 6 months old for me to pull the reighs in so-to--speak, and slowly things improved, now he great but i was a lot of hard work for me to "program him" but now our son is 2 and a half and my dp does the housework every second weekend end , from the washing to the mopping of floors and looks after our ds while i go shopping with my friends ALL DAY! He also puts him to bed most nights and showers him. So hang in there ladies,its not easy and there will be tears and lots of them but keep chipping away for you own sanity! Feel free to pm me if you feel like having a b*tch! Or chat on here, what ever you feel you want to do:) Take care of yourselves you are important too:D

[Mumma_al]

thanks guys. You know I really do feel that i'd be better off as a single mum. he creates so much more extra work for me. There would actually be less work to do if i was on my own. He's really wearing me down.

Ive decided that im going to say something to him tonight and try and make him realise how im feeling (even though i try everyday and it doesnt get through) I think im going to try what was mentioned earlier. if you cant help me then im not helping you. soon enough his washing will be pilling up and i know how much he hates runnning out of his underwear. he he he

I was even thinking about expressing and making him get up through the night. or even while i have an hour of me time!!!

I wrote out our current house rules earlier and toughened them up, since our boys are 8 and 10 its about time that they picked up after themselves. They (including DH) has had it lax for so long. not no more.

I know its probably a bit tough but I ask them all to help me everyday, just simple things like put your toys away or Asking DH to feed our dogs. They say yes they'll do it and then walk off and do something else leaving me to do it. I am so frustrated with having to repeat myself all the time. Ive explained this to them, I've told them that im tired, ive asked them for help and they dont listen.

they are all going to wish that they didnt live here tonight :D

[rynosmum]

My DH and I went through a similar thing leading up to DS being about 10 weeks old. When we really got down to the issues, I found that DH felt that everytime he came home, all I did was talk about the baby (of course) and my stressful day and nag him re him doing his chores. He was coming from a productive work environment and then almost dreading coming home to an environment that was depressing and frustrating....

On top of that, he didn't want me to teach him how to do things with the baby but was scared that I would tell him he was doing it wrong - so he didn't bother.

He has gone from minimal involvement to vacuuming and mopping the house every 2nd weekend, cleaning, giving DS his lunch, doing his bath and not complaining too much when he can't find something, feeding the dogs and cleaning up the yard after them daily. Yesterday, he even did the groceries !:eek: He also looks after DS when I need to go away for a couple of days with work and cooks about 40% of the time.

He still won't change a nappy unless I am out. I do all of the washing, washing up, kitchen cleaning, making the beds, dressing DS etc but it's SO much easier now.

I don't tell him how to do things, and he just does them. He does so much more when I don't hassle him about it. Then again, it has taken almost 2 years...:D

Good luck tonight. I found that by changing the way I interacted, it made things much better.

[Mumma_al]

thanks guys. I calmly sat down & talked to him about what was going on, i didnt yell at him, just explained how i was feeling. Well after that i had dinner made for me, he cleaned the kitchen, fed the dogs, bathed the kids & wait for it, he even got up before me early this morning and changed bubs nappy. here's hoping it stays this way.

thanks to you ladies and your fab advice!!!

[SMBT]

After reading your first post, I thought it was me that had written it. My DH is exactly the same, although he does help me around the house cleaning and making dinner. With both our kids I have always been left up to cleaning, nursing, feeding, putting to bed etc etc etc. DH never gave our kids a bath until DS was old enough to stand in the shower with him, and only recently with DD because I simply refused to do it AGAIN. I have talked to him about it before and the whole thing comes down to DH feeling inadequate and insecure about how to handle them in those situations. I really think it is about being incompetent because he thinks if I feel that he can't do something, then he won't have to do it. I know that he is not incompetent and have been giving him stick about just being bloody lazy. As for asking him to have to look after (shouldn't even have to ask, they should just do, as their his kids too) DD when I have a shower all he does is put up the security gate so that she can't crawl up the hallway and leaves her to scream on the floor while he plays the playstation. ARGH! IS this just something all men do?
Don't get me wrong I love my DH but he really p***** me off about raising babies.:mad: He's fine with DS now that he is older and would do anything for him, except put him to bed, which is still my job (god knows why?) but hopefully when DD gets that bit older too, he will start looking after her properly too.

[Mumma_al]

It must be a man thing.

Well it didnt last there all back to there usual tricks and im stressed out again. I knew it was to good to be true.

I dont think its an incompentancy thing with my DH as he raised his 2 boys (my step sons) by himself for a while and did a good job. I think its laziness. He would rather sit on his butt and drink beer than help me. Wish i had that luxury.

[the_queen]

I don't think it's incompetency either, my DH and I were separated for a while and (like he enjoys reminding me...) he managed to keep the house spotlessly clean during that time (he forgets that he works 12 hours a day and didn't have Vallerie at his house much at all....)

I think it's just that they know we will do it, even though we b**ch about it, we will end up just doing it.

[Milosmum]

That really sounds awful and it can take you to the point of exhaustion - I had other difficulties with partnership and wound up single when DS was 10 weeks old, and in many ways it was easier being a sole parent!

I hear what your mother in law was saying about food, but my two cents is to hold off as long as you can before giving food (try to aim for six months or as close to as poss) as it can add to other difficulties with baby's digestion etc eg upset tummy, constipation, or later probs with digestion, rather than providing cure to problems.

Not too much advice for you except a suggestion that you set firm limits on care - for instance when he cares for her that is active, involved time rather than a Romanian orphanage or disgraceful negligent fathering approach. He was obviously capacble in raising his sons for a period, and he must have known what was involved in having another baby. For household chores the boys (and man-boy) are old and capable enough to pull their weight - work out a roster. Mothering can be a full time job - my house is often so untidy. At that age think I spent all day settling feeding and washing - forget picking up after myself and others.

Thinking of you - what an awful situation.

[C2H5OH]

He obviously has an idea of how he thinks things should work, but this is making you uncomfortable.

Having a husband in the military must make the situation worse.

From the sounds of it, it doesn't sound like anything that couldn't be fixed with a private discussion between you and him, and make up a draft verbal contract with him, let him compromise with you on what's in the agreement and see how it works out.

The most important thing is to let him know how you feel about the situation.

Edit: You did do this :) congratulation, it looks like it worked. Hope it lasts :)