only child?? mixed feeling atm..

[nugglyboysmum]

i have just posted a thread in "what age gap" but wanted to talk to other parents of one child only.

Basically for ages we thought we'd not have any more children after all the stress of PND anxiety, servere reflux and the usual sleepless nights and illnesses etc. Then when DS turned 1 we thought maybe going through all that again with another baby would be great so we decided to ttc#2, twice i have chickened out after two months ttc as i didn't feel i could have another baby while DS is still a toddler.

DH understood this and was great about it saying he is more than happy to be a family of 3, however he is also hapy to have one more bub. I told him i'd rather wait til DS is 3 or 4 bfore ttc again but DH says he feels he will be too old by then, but ultimately it was my choice, however i felt my choice was either only have 1 or have another 1 right now.....sucky decision i think.

Id say that most of the time i feel really happy and content at the thought of not having another child, more money, more room in house, i go back to work sooner (more money), i don't have to share my attention with any one else, easier to travel around which i really want to do. i don't have to risk more m/c, m/s, awful birth, something wrong with baby, PND, anxiety attacks, giving up my body again and my freedom.

But then i get the guilts that get layed on parents of onlys, i can usually get passed these gulits really well now, but i always worry what if i regret later in life that i didn't have another child? What if something hapens to DS and we end up childless, then its just us til we die, no child or grandchildren??

So tell me, those of you who chose to have an only, why did you choose and did you feel any of the concerns i feel??

Sorry this is so long but i really am in turmoil over this, it just seems like such a huge decsion for one person to make.:confused:

[punkbaby]

You have to do what is right for you, if you asked me 8 years ago if i would have nearly 4 kids i would have said "yeah right"

The way i look at it your the only one who knows if you will or can or are ready or want to have another child, the thing going in your favour is that you are still young so you have plenty of time to have another one should you decide too

There is nothing wrong with having 1 child or ten children. I understand the whole panic attacks anxiety thing i get them really bad, honestly this bubs and my last were not planned at all! I have often thought what it would be like if i didnt have them but i wouldnt change it for the world. The anxiety does get me down though i am just lucky that i have learnt how to deal with it with alot of self help and my partner is very supportive when i have my down moments.

YOu know whats right, you have plenty of time as i said so hang in there :)

By the way your dh is only a youngin too, i am 31 LOL he sais he is too old his making me feel old now haha

[aardvark]

I'm not the parent of an only, but it nearly went that way.

There is 10 years between #1 and #2.

I had BAD PND, undiagnosed for 18 months after #1. I was too scared to do it all again. I didn't think I'd survive it. I was 24 when #1 was born.

As I got closer to 30, I worried about the what-ifs you mention - something happening to her, and us being left childess. Her being alone with no immediate family after we die. Her kids not having cousins or aunts and uncles on her side of the family. These thoughts were compounded by a chat with one of the mums from her class, who was herself an only child, and found it even worse being an only child as an adult than she did as a child.

And DD#1 kept asking what about brothers or sisters, she did not like being an only child.

Eventually I found the courage to allow myself to TTC again, and #2 was born 3 days before #1's 10th birthday. I enjoyed #2 MUCH more. No PND. We've since had #3.

"Getting my life back" between #1 and #2 probably made me realise how much I like being a mum. I'd rather have the children than "have my life back" at this point in time.

[nugglyboysmum]

thanks so much for your replys,
punk - i agree i do have plenty of time, its just that DH doesn't think like that, lol at you feeling old, i definately don't think 31 is old by any means, i have a strange DH i think...
aard - i agree i think i need a couple of years to 'get my life back' and do a little bit travelling before i 'give myself up' for a couple more years of pg and baby. Now to convince DH....

[moonblossom]

Oh hun you have so much time...all the time in the world. Your partner may feel hes getting older, but he isn't. Take your time, make sure it feels right for YOU.

On the age gap thing, well i've had three under 3...then gaps, then two boys 10 months apart, now I have a 1 year old, and this is my gist on it. Having them so close was hard, but wouldn't change a thing for the world. Being an older mum, with a 13 month old boy, I see how much more time I have to spend with him, how much attention he gets from his parents, nothing is rushed and nobody is pushed aside for another.

May not make much sense, but the bigger the space, the more time you have for one on one. But in saying that, I regret nothing, and have enjoyed every stage.:hugs:

[ShadyCharacter]

We had pretty much made the decision to only have one (possibly to consider one more several years down the track, but unlikely) for the same reasons you are feeling... and then I fell pregnant by accident. It took some time to adjust to the idea, and I can't say I am always thrilled about it still, but I am kind of glad that the decision was taken out of my hands yk?

I am pregnant now and DS will be 3.5 by the time the next bub comes along. I worry about how I will cope, but at the same time I am glad we are having another one now :)

[nugglyboysmum]

moon - wow you must be an incredibly loving caring woman having 8 kids and training to be a doula, i hope you realise what a special person you must be!

shady - thaks so much for your response, it is great to hear that i am not alone in having these feelings (though im sorry you are feeling them too). Congrats on the pg, i reckon 3.5 years sounds like a great gap, your DS should be old enough to have more understanding and be a good little helper when bub comes along.

I have decided to keep ttc. If we are lucky enough to get pg again it will be our last bub, DH is getting the snip after bub #2, and it took quite a while to concieve DS so i reckon it'll take over 12 months to conceive the next one if at all, we have both decided to not have any fertility treatments, if we don't get pg by the time DS goes to school then no more babies, we found ttc sooo stressful last time that we are not prepared to let it take over our lives again, we are just going to pay no attention and let things happen when they want to.

thanks again for all the support i have recieved.

[alabama]

Oh Hun
It's a strange feeling....i must admit myself.
I had DS 3.5 yrs back when i was studying.I completed that year and retired from study to become full time SAHM.It was hard initially but i thought that was best thing to be done atm.After 2.5 yrs down the track(when DS was 2.5)i felt that i m missing something in my life.DH and myself had a long chat n we decided that i should get back to studies.So i did!!!!lovely it was n i started working part time as well......part of experience thing.But 6 months down the lane thought i would be nice to have another bub(dont want more than the original time gap)....but now my cycles started getting haywired.Went to see the dr n got the tests done...all results good so dr asked me to try for a couple of months n then see how it goes....so now tryingfor a bub,studying as well as working.....
Very very confused whether i m doing the right thing....should we have another baby......should i drop from studies again............................................. .................................
oh! life is so terrible some times...

[nugglyboysmum]

hi alabama

it really is a horrible decision to have to make, sometimes i really wish somebody else could just make it for me. We have actually stopped ttc, Dh has told me that he would perfer a close gap but he would be happy to have a 10year gap if thats what i needed to feel ready again, so no more babies til at least DS is at school. Not a day goes by when i dont wonder if i have made the right decsion, if i will ever want another baby at all, i reckon i'll be extremely clucky once DS starts kindy, but i think it all comes down to me being such a scaredy cat and not wanting to go through more long ttc, m/c, yucky ms, horrible labour, sick baby etc, now that i know how horrible it really is at times i dont know if i'll ever be able to bring myself to do it all again....only time will tell i guess.

GL ttc i hope everything goes really well for you and you have a great easy happy experience with your next bub.

[ThomasMum]

So tell me, those of you who chose to have an only, why did you choose and did you feel any of the concerns i feel??


Hiya, the reason for us? It's written in your siggy! "Our perfect happy little family of 3"

No bragging here, but life has been good since we had Thomas. I didnt have any PND. My DH altho busy with his job but always happy to lend me a hand or two so I never feel tired or anything. Thomas is healthy and happy lil man. We have a beautiful house at perfect location, we travel on regular basis, etc etc.... in short we are happy just the 3 of us so why would we want to change that??!!

For us at the end is not about quantity, but quality...

But good luck with you and your family....

[Teley]

We have a beautiful house at perfect location, we travel on regular basis, etc etc.... in short we are happy just the 3 of us so why would we want to change that??!!
I am the parent of an only child who is two and a half, and I really wish I had more...but:no: single atm so no more kids for me just yet.
But I am also an only child, and don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be rude here, but I think it's incredibly selfish of parents who could have another child to not let their child have a brother or a sister, right now everything might seem perfect, but that's because they're little right now. Then they're going to be growing up, and it really sucks growing up as an only child. Especially if you have problems with them as they start to grow and they're not really close to you -- anything can happen in this life -- a sister or brother is very helpful in this world.
What if, God forbid, you die or get a terrible illness? And then your child is all alone in this world.
And it's also good for the social aspect of things, only kids know how to interact with other people better.
As I said, not trying to be rude to anyone, just trying to tell you how it feels BEING the perfectly, planned, only child. I HATE IT!!!:thumbsdown:

[LivinOnAPrayer]

they say you never regret the children you have,...only the ones you didnt have.

Saying that though, im currently mum of 1. Id really like it to stay there but dh has his heart set on another 1. I'll see how we go in a few yrs.

Good luck :hugs:

[studyingECS]

I am an only child and I would love to have a brother or sister honestly...its quite lonely growing up in a house with just your parents...well for me it is anyway. But you have to do whats right for you:thumbsup: everyone has a completely different situation.

[nugglyboysmum]

mybeautifulrussia - i do thankyou for you input and am sorry that you hate your life as an only child, i hope you get to fullfill your dreams of having another child one day. However, i would like to add that caling all parents of only children "incredibly selfish" was really insensitive and actually quite selfish on your part, you can't just say "dont mean to be rude" and then be rude. Anyway, i dont want to attack you about it, just want to let you know that by posting such things you will be upsetting people. I do value your input though, thanks again.

lexi - yeah i have heard many a mum of a few children say that, but i also know quite a few mums who, although they love their children dearly, say that if they could have their time over they would only have had the one child, so i guess it all just comes down to the individual. GL with bub no2!

kate - what a great reply! You are such a mature level headed lovely person, your parents must be extremely proud of you.

[Grace3]

I can understand where MBR is coming from, as I too am an only child. Which I don't enjoy but I don't know any different.




* after all the stress of PND anxiety, servere reflux and the usual sleepless nights and illnesses etc.

* i have chickened out after two months ttc as i didn't feel i could have another baby while DS is still a toddler.

* i feel really happy and content at the thought of not having another child

* more money, more room in house, i go back to work sooner (more money),

*i don't have to share my attention with any one else

* easier to travel around which i really want to do

* i don't have to risk more m/c, m/s, awful birth, something wrong with baby, PND, anxiety attacks,

* giving up my body again and my freedom.

But then i get the guilts that get layed on parents of onlys, i can usually get passed these gulits really well now, but i always worry what if i regret later in life that i didn't have another child? What if something hapens to DS and we end up childless, then its just us til we die, no child or grandchildren??



NBM: You mentioned so many negative points.

You could have had no children. A very very clean house. Travel the world. Have lots of money and return to work. Some couples do this and love their lives and are very fullfilled.

As some families only have one child and are also happy and content in their lives.

What I would like you try to do is think about the good points for having a second child.

As a couple I think you should try compare the negatives against your positive's. If you BOTH still feel content with one child, well then at this point in time you have made the right decision.

[Grace3]

"Getting my life back" between #1 and #2 probably made me realise how much I like being a mum. I'd rather have the children than "have my life back" at this point in time.

Oh how lovely :hugs:

[nugglyboysmum]

grace - thanks for your input. I think the reason that i only focused o the negative points of a second child is that i really had already made my mind up that i didn't want another child, i was just trying to justify my decision so i only posted the negatives. We have most definately thought of all the positives of another child, we even starte to try for another for a few months before we realised that it wasn't really what we wanted. Thankyou for your advice its lovely of you to take the time to help me. I wish you all the best with ttc number 3!

[CrazyCatLady]

nugglyboysmum I thought I should put my two sense worth in as an only child who really appreciates being just that since you've had a couple of negative opinions from people who haven't had good experiences being only children.

I think alot of pressure and guilt is placed upon parents who choose to have only one child and I don'th think it's fair. There are alot of advantages for the child and opportunities that wouldn't be there if there were siblings. It's like any situation. It all depends on the dynamics of the family and the love that they share, not the number of children or lack there of.

Sorry I'm rambling. I'll share my experiences as an only child and you can take from it what you like. I'll have to try and be concise though or I'll prbably be typing all night :p

-We lived rurally so it was lonely as a young child not having others to play with. However when I was nine a family with a girl my age built on the block next door and we were inseperable and I don't remember feeling lonely at all after then. We also had ALOT of pets so there was always something to talk to:p. My mother said it was exhausting for her when I was young as she had to constantly badger people with kids my age to come over to play.
-As a teenager it was great. All teenagers think predominantly about themselves so to be able to have the freedom of the use of the phone and car etc I loved it.
-My parents and I are VERY close. especially my mum and I as my parents divorced when I was a teeneager so it was just the two of us. I really don't think we'd have the same relationship if I had a sibling. She's my best friend.
-Because there was just me we travelled alot. Before I turned 18 I'd travelled to more countries than alot of people get to see in a lifetime.
-And now that I'm older and starting our own family my parents have been able to help us financially in a way that would never be possible if I had a sibling.
-when people say things like 'blood is thicker than water' or talk about the bond between siblings I do feel a little sad because I don't know that feeling. But then again my mother is the eldest of nine and many of them hate each other so where's the bond there.

I really don't think there's a right or wrong choice about the number of kids to have. I personally want a big family but know that's more to fulfill something in me and experience something I didn't have. But I also feel guilty about that because I won't be able to give them the same experiences and financial freedom I had because we won't be as financially free. You have to do what feels right for you. If it turns out that I only have one child it wouldn't be the end of the world. I'd just be very conscious to give that one the experiences that only an only can have:)

[nugglyboysmum]

crazycatlady - thankyou so much for your response, i really appreciate you sharing your experiences with me. It is great to hear an only child say how happy their life has been without siblings. I grew up with 3 sisters, i have fantastic relationship with 2 of them and loved my childhood to bits, however i did miss out on a lot of things because my parents couldn't afford more than the essentials, that is 1 of the mant reasons we have decided to have an only. I agree, its not whether you have siblings or not, its about the family dynamics, we are very close, spend a lot of time together and plan on travelling the world as a family and having lots of adventures, that wouldn't be possible for us with more than 1 child.

Anyway, thankyou so much, i hope you are blessed with a big happy family!

[Ys_Woman]

Hello Nugglyboysmum. I am pretty sure this thread is just about wound up but I will add one more post. As most people have said: do what you feel comfortable with.
Will your son regret not having a sibling?
That very much depends on his nature. My eldest daughter was an only child for the first 13 years of her life and likely wishes she still was. She had my undivided attention; access to as many hobbies and interests as she liked; and peace and quiet in the house.
My next child (boy), he had a very similar nature to hers so she could cope with him. The following year I had another girl who is totally the opposite in nature and rubs my eldest girl the wrong way by being loud and gregarious. The eldest chose to move out when she was 19. She just loves living by herself.

By the same token I know that my younger daughter couldn't have been an only child. She just thrives on having someone else to play with.

It's a dilemma for sure but the decision really rests with you hon..you will likely be the primary carer and it would be awful to resent a crying bub because you'd had it to make someone else happy.

Hugs that the choice will made clearer for you.

Amy:)

[nugglyboysmum]

ys-woman - thankyou so much for your input. I totally agree with everything you posted, you are a wise woman. I am most certainly 100% happy with our decision to have an only child, he loves his life as the only child in our household, he entertains himself extrememly well with his amazing imagination, and like your eldest daughter, he enjoys the quiet (like me) and really seems to need his alone time each day otherwise he can get a bit overwhelmed and ratty. thanks again