Pregnancy After Loss

[LoopyLyndaLou]

Hi, I thought I would start this new thread as I noticed on another thread this is something that is causing concern to those who have recently lost and those that are pregnant after a loss are floundering.

I have been pregnant twice since losing Thomas in Oct 2002, the first one was within three months of his loss and three months in to the pregnancy nsevere complications occurred and the pregnancy had to be terminated in the second trimester. it was that or I may have died and there was a 99% chance my baby would die before term. It was a few months after that before i felt comfortable even trying again and I only did as I had a medical reason found to explain both the loss of Thomas and our tiny little angel, affectionately known as Little Frankie.

During my pregnancy I had daily treatment in the form of tablets and injections and weekly doppler scans. To say it was stressful was the understatement of the century. I could not let myself believe that this baby would live. After each scan I was told the estimated weight of the baby and I would go to the shops and buy a premmie baby outfit to that size, this was the clothes the baby would wear for it's funeral. When I needed the next size up I would buy a new outfit and donate the previous one to the labour ward so if some poor family lost a premmis baby they would ahve osmething nice to put them in.

The only things I bought for my baby were funeral outfits - how bizarre is that? I used to get so mad hearing all these pregnant people who were so naive, they had bought everything, even the pram by 20 wks. I just wanted to scream at them that they were being really silly as their baby could die at any time. Of course I didn't say this (well only once!), in so many ways I was just jealous of them. Jealous of their naivity and wishing I could enjoy it too, wishing i could plan and spend hours browsing for little trinkets for my baby, dream of walking down the street with everyone cooing at how gorgeous my little one was, but I couldn't.

Even though I did have two little boys at home and I knew it was possible for me to have a living child, losing two in a row and in such awful ways (details are too long to explain here) deprived me of any confidence I had.

I did not enjoy that pregnancy, pregnancy and me have never been great friends, but this one took the biscuit, it was long and hard - in fact never ending.

After 37 weeks and 5 days my consultant decided I was ready to give birth that delaying it any longer was not good for my mental condition and increased the chances of bad things happening to bubs. I was induced but the little one had other plans and made me wait two days until he showed his face! They induced me very gently as previous labours have been very fast and furious and this need to be avoided. Once labour did kick in though it was less than an hour.

I couldn't believe Toby was here, he was alive and healthy and despite a few breathing difficulties due to mucus in his pipes he was here and much bigger than we expected. Two weeks early and already 7lbs 6oz. It was only then that I sent my husband out to buy nappies and other bits for him.

Toby will be three next month, just a few days before Thomas would be 5, in fact Toby was due on what should have been Thomas' second birthday (another good reason for an induction!). It was such a long and hard journey to get him but he has been worth it, although I didn't always say that.

In fact in the first few month he was a really hard baby, he was OK at night but cried every waking hour of the day, I struggled so much as I was scared to tell people how bad he was for fear of them saying "its your own fault, you wanted him that much'. I kept thinking how good Thomas would have been, he wouldn;t have put me though all of this. Of course in hindsight they would never have said that but at the time I felt they would so I struggled on alone - I would not recommend that to any of you guys!

That is my story in brief. I thought perhaps on this thread we could share our anxieties and fears of PAL as people, like myself, who ahve been through it and have lots ot share and those thinking about it may want to ask questions and those actually live it at the moment desperately need to share these feares with others that truly understand.

I look forward to reading yous posts.

Lynda x

[jaydensmum]

Thanks for sharing your story!:hugs: Its a great idea to start up a thread like this. It really helps see the light at the end of the tunnel! :yes: Im very worried about pg the next time around. Im so nervous of even falling pg. In the past i was like well if i fall pg so be it, now im so scared of the thought of it. :( Right now im supposed to be 6mths pg and it just doesnt seem right for me to get pg again so soon. I think this thread will really help me and others for future pg's. :yes:

[cmd'smum]

Lynda, so sorry for what you have been through :hugs: This thread is a fantastic idea!:thumbsup:

I lost a baby boy at 13 weeks gestation, not as far as you 2 lovely ladies, but still, my pregnancy with Ariane was so emotionally stressful. As soon as I discovered I was pg again, I was happy/anxious at the same time. Every little pain, every twinge, I'd think the worst! Lynda, you're right you lose all naivety and always think "If I carry to term" That's what I said for the first 3 months of my last pregnancy, and I distanced myself from it somewhat. One thing that kept me going was me constantly reminding myself that it would all be worth it in the end when I held my baby Valentine and it was.

I know that if I ever do get pregnant again, I will still worry my brains out!

Jaydensmum, hope you're doing better :hugs:

[jaydensmum]

Jaydensmum, hope you're doing better :hugs:

Hi there! :wave: Im slowly getting there. Its been real tough, in fact the hardest thing ive had to go through.:yes: Its still quite fresh on my mind and some things still set me off. I know it will get better but right now it seems far off.

[LoopyLyndaLou]

I think that stage at which you lose your baby is totally irrelevent, the fact is you ahve experienced loss and know that you ARE one of those people it can happen to and you are not immune It makes you feel very vulnerable and very scared.

I know after losing Thomas my 'safe' world was with those that had also experienced later loss but in itself that was scary, I was exposed to the fact that literally a baby can die at ANY stage and for almost any reason and even in many cases, for no apparent reason.

I even met a lady who is now a great friend, who had two term losses just 11 months apart for two totally different reasons, that terrified me, it could happen again....it did..

Embarking on a sunsequent pregnancy is a terrifying thing. Jaydensmum, I was the same as you, terrified at the thought of being pregnant but I was also desperately disappointed that I wasn't as each month passed, even though we weren't trying.

When we finally did try again and I fell pregnant I was pleased but the fear was awful, i knew now I was on a road I couldn't turn back on, there was a 50/50 outcome to this pregnancy and I had not control - it was a horrid thing. I clung on to my treatment as something positive i could do and at one point towards the end when my consulant told me I could stop the treatment, the look of terror in my face made him change his mind!

I will be honest wiht you guys, I don't tell many people this (although this is obviously a public wensite...) as I feel guilty about my feelings. When I was pregnant with little Frankie the fear was huge, my grief was huge, I was expecting everything to go wrong and when it did it felt like it was always going to be like that - I wasn't shocked. When I had the scan and heard the bad news that i would have to end the pregnancy I felt this overwhleming surge of relief, at last the pregnancy would end and I could stop being so scared and grieve openly for Thomas once again.

Of course once I woke from the op I didn't feel like that, i felt totally devastated but at that time how I was feeling was indescribable, I couldn;t function as the fear was so intense, the new pregnancy didn;t feel me with hope and joy it felt like a prison sentance I could not get out of. I always think of Little Frankie and I know he would forgive me for these thoughts as he will know I loved him unconditionally and I mourn his loss as much as Thomas', I just wasn't strong enough to go through that massive fight for him, I as I did for Thomas knowing the outcome would be the same.

I think you can gather from that how scared I have been..and no I won't do it again!!!

Lynda x

[Christelle]

Lynda,
What a great thread to start.

As you know I had a living child who passed away at 6 months, Aliyah, who had a long battle with a rare blood disorder and then had a bone marrow transplant. She died on 23 Dec 05. I fell pregnant again only a few months afterwards (through ivf) I desperately wanted another baby to hold and we weren't sure how long it would take for it to happen, so Lachlan was born on 8 Feb 07.

What an anxious time it was. We didn't know if he would have the same disorder as not much is known about it and they couldn't find anything genetically wrong with Aliyah, so they couldn't say if lachlan would have it. It was just horrible, the waiting and praying.

Of course i have to deal with the question, "do you have any other children?" I always mention Aliyah and tell them that she died.

I struggle at times with Lachlan, not so much now, but at the beginning when I was breastfeeding. I felt guilty telling people i was having a hard time.

Anyway, good luck to all those out there who are pregnant after a loss, be strong, and don't give up hope.

[jaydensmum]

Its great to read your girls stories and how you survived pg after a loss! :hugs: It gives us girls some hope for the future.

Well im freaking out right now!! Ive got some signs of pg and im worried. Yesterday i had frequent urination. I had to go to the toilet like 5 times within 1.5hr!! :eek: This morning i woke up with nausea and its the worst!!!:yes: I even threw up, sorry for TMI!! I just feel so off! :barf: Im so worried that im pg again, but i cant think how thats possible cause we took precautions. I know im not ready for another baby yet!

[MissMel]

Hi Girls

I am so glad this thread is going! :)

I have my six week check up tomorrow. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to remind me that I had a beautiful baby only 6 weeks ago. It is all still so surreal.

Am really looking forward to seeing what my ob has to say but scared at the same time. Guess it will be a while yet before we are given the all clear to start trying again.

Find myself constantly thinking about the next pregnancy but I am not feeling so guilty about wanting it so much now. It helps so much to hear other stories. And Lynda, that book "Pregnancy after loss" is a great help too. Thanks for that.

Jaydensmum, how are you going/feeling? Any news?

Take care all
Mel

[jaydensmum]

Melissa - Congrats on your pg!! :yelclap: Good luck with your appointment tomorrow, let us know how it goes! :yes: With whats happening with me, well i dont really know. My tummy has been bloated for over a wk now and usually that happens before AF or pg. Usually though i only get bloating for a couple of days before AF comes. I did a pg test 3 days ago and it was :bfn: , so im confused! If i dont get AF in the next week then ill go to the dr.
Hows everyone going? Its so quiet in here now, i hope you are all ok. Well ill talk to you soon. :wave:

[LoopyLyndaLou]

Hi Melissa,

it seems so wrong to go to a six week check and not have your baby with you doesn't it?

It really is such early days for you, six weeks is nowhere in the scheme of things, in fact I would say it is the start of one of the hardest stages as everyone else around you seems to have expected you to move on which puts so much pressure on you. This is where the "I am ok" mask comes in to play and you put up this fron that everything is hunkydory when the reality is you are torn in two, literally a broken person with no hope of ever being fixed.

Make sure you are honest with people Melissa, don;t keep things hidden, you have every right to be grieving, and not silently, us bereaved parents should be able to grieve openly.

I hope you appouintment goes as well as can be expected, it is going to be hard. I hope they don't drag you through rooms of pregnant mothers and newborn babies as I was, it was hell on Earth.

let us know how you get on.

Lynda x

[StormAngel]

Hey guys, I just noticed this thread!

How is everyone?

[cmd'smum]

Melissa, :hugs: :hugs: How did your 6 week check up go? How are you feeling today?

Jayden'smum, how are you going hun? Did you end up getting AF?:hugs:

[jaydensmum]

Jayden'smum, how are you going hun? Did you end up getting AF?:hugs:

Hi there! :wave: No AF still hasnt shown her face yet! :no: Im not real good at the moment, i havent been taking the whole thing that well. I never show it though, i keep it to myself. One day it will be brighter, i just wish it was now! :crying:

[MissMel]

Hi Girls

Didin't end up going to my appointment yesterday :no:
Have a really rotten cold and just couldn't cope with driving into town. Think I had a little panic about seeing my ob again as well. They let me reschedule to next Wed so hopefully brain and runny nose will be in a better place by then. They want me to go into the womans hospital for some blood tests???? Not sure what they are looking for. Maybe something genetic? Will soon find out I guess. But they keep telling me that the risk is the same as last time - one in a million....... doesn't help much!
Seems all too hard sometimes :crying: What I wouldn't give to be in a "normal" head space.
But gotta keep remembering it hasn't been long at all. Does it ever change from all just being surreal?

Hope eveyone is okay and is in better shape than missery mel today :banghead:

Mel
x

[nqcowboysfan]

Hi Christelle,

just wanted to let you know that there is a national support group for parents who have lost chidren called The Compassionate Friends.

everybody there has lost a child from yound to old from sickness or accident. you wouldn't believe how good it feels to tell people who understand and actually want to listen to what you went through. :hugs:

i have mothers in my group who lost babies up to 20 years ago and they love that nobody there is thinking 'move on'. you can look them up on the net.

even whenyou have other children and wonderful things in your life that loss never goes away. :angel: hope this helps.

christine

[jaydensmum]

Melissa - how are you going hun? Ive been thinking of you! :hugs:

nqcowboysfan - thanks for that info, im going to look it up. My friend also told me about them cause she lost her bub too, shes from townsville. I didnt think they would be down here. So ill have a look! :yes:

[StormAngel]

Hi all,

How are we all doing?

[MissMel]

Hiya

Going okay. Saw my ob yesterday. They are still trying to work out what happened with Jasper :gloomy:

Have been given the all clear to start trying again. He said that I wouldn't fall until my heart, body & head are okay. That made me feel better.

Have a couple of really good friends who are medical scientists and they are doing some research for us. :)

Otherwise, same stuff, different day.

How is everyone else?

Mel
x

[jaydensmum]

Melissa - hopefully you get some answers about what happened to jasper! :hugs: I know it made me feel a bit better knowing what happened to oceana. Its good to hear that you've been given the all clear to TTC. Take care hun! :hugs:

[jaydensmum]

I just wanted to update you all. My DH and i have decided to TTC again. Im currently 7dpo and im going to test in the next couple of days. Since deciding to go ahead with TTC im actually really excited. Most likely though when im actually pg its going to be really scary. So hopefully by the end of the week ill be announcing a new pg! :fingerscrossed: I hope you are all doing well! :wave:

[Christelle]

Crossing my fingers for you!!! Good luck!:smiliedance:

[Christelle]

MissMel, how are you doing???

[jaydensmum]

Crossing my fingers for you!!! Good luck!:smiliedance:

Thank you!!:hugs: I hope that ill be announcing a :bfp: in the next couple of days!! :fingerscrossed: :D

[MissMel]

Hey Guys
Jadensmum, how fab :yelclap: .Can't wait to hear!!
Might be a bit scary but we are all hear for you:yes:
We are trying the exact same thing :D
& I am happy to say, all is good. Hubby has moved his office home and expects me to do work for him....... ha ha.
Just over two months has gone, and I find myself having a little chat to our little boy all the time - I'm sure people think I am looney but don't really give a toss:p
Christelle how are you?
Sending :hugs: to everyone and look forward to hearing some fantabulous news soon.
Mel
x

[jaydensmum]

I cant wait to see the result either, but im a bit nervous of seeing a bfn!! :yes: Im really excited about the fact of having another baby and it would upset me if the result came back negative.

[StormAngel]

fingers crossed for a BFP!

[jaydensmum]

Well i did a test this morning and it was a faint :bfp: !!! Yesterday the line was very faint that you had to hold it up to the light. The one this morning is still faint but its visable. Im going to do another one in the morning to see if its getting darker! Im going to be due on 1st July. This bub will be my third baby born in July, it must be a special month for me! :yes: Im excited but theres a part of me as scared as hell. I know the closer i get to the time Oceana passed away its going to be real tough. Im just going to have to take it one day at a time.

[cmd'smum]

Naomi, congrats again sweety!:hugs: :wizard: You will be fine, yes you will worry, only natural, but you can bet that Oceana is going to be watching over her little brother or sister making sure that everything is progressing perfectly :yes: you WILL be holding your beautiful bubba next July! Wow it was around this time last year I got my :bfp: how time flys!

Missmel, will be eagerly awaiting your :bfp: announcement!:fingerscrossed:

[StormAngel]

Yay! has the line gotten darker this morning?

[Christelle]

Jaydensmum well looks like it's all ok?? did the line get darker??? So exciting, but yes, it is scary!

MissMel, I'm ok. Very scared and nervous. I start my full-time job on Monday. My first "real" job since Aliyah's birth back in June 2005. So very worried about leaving Lachlan.

[jaydensmum]

Yep the line is definetly there!!:smiliedance: I went to the dr today and he referred me to a private Ob so that i get proper care this time. He was disgusted with the way that i was treated last time and he doesnt want to see that happen again neither do i.:no: Im very excited right now but i know that this pg is going to be very stressful and long. So many things are going through my head right now. Im just trying to focus on day by day and hope that all goes well. :yes: :fingerscrossed:

Christelle - good luck with the job on monday. Im sure you'll be ok, but i do remember how hard it is leaving bubs for the first time! :yes:

[Christelle]

:yelclap: :yelclap: :yelclap: :thumbsup: CONGRATULATIONS!!!:smiliedance:

[LoopyLyndaLou]

yayy!

I have been away for a couple of weeks so missed all of this, what great news for you. It will be a long and stressful journey but we are here to support you.

I really hope you get the care you should have had before, let them know how scared you are and ask them for lots of reassurance, that is what I did and the medical team responded really well and I got to know them all well and vice versa, I ended up with fantastic support.

Christelle - I wish you lots of love and success in your new job. I suspect you will enjoy having some adult time knwoing that Lachlan is being well cared for.

Lynda x

[StormAngel]

Yay! Huge congrats Naomi!

[jaydensmum]

Well ive got an appointment with the Ob this afternoon. Its probably going to be really full on i imagine. Im looking forward to it but scared at the same time! :yes:

Christelle - good luck today with work! :fingerscrossed:

[MissMel]

I am sooooooooooooo excited for you :smiliedance:
How did it go with the Ob? I hope that they are good to you, and understanding.
I can imagine how you might be feeling, both excited and scared. Sending you lots of :hugs:
Waiting for a couple of little lines of my own, but I think they are on strike :no:
Christelle, how did you go at work? How was Lachlan?

[Christelle]

I started a new thread about going back to work after a loss.

I am enjoying work. Must more than what i thought. But just feel so guilty about leaving lachlan. It's very hard.

Sending you all loads of :hugs: Thanks for your support.

[Christelle]

I just read Jasper's website.

I am so, so sorry. :hugs:

[jaydensmum]

The Ob appointment went well. He said that he'll keep a close eye on me during this pg. Ive got to take aspirin everyday to thin my blood out and depending on my blood results i could have to take heparin as well. He said that theres a test at 12 wks to test the placenta function and that will give him an idea of how well my placenta is working. My hcg results came back today from 2 days ago. It was 110 at 13dpo. The normal range for 13dpo is 25-100, so that looks pretty good.:yelclap: I had another test done today to see if the levels are doubling and the results come in the morning. :fingerscrossed: He said that it will show him how well the pg is doing right now. Im so glad that we have decided to go private this time. Our ob is really good and he cares. It still doesnt take the constant fear away though. :no:

Christelle - im glad that work went well for you on mon, good on you! :thumbsup:

[jaydensmum]

The dr did another bt on wed (15dpo) and it was 295!!!:smiliedance: He said that the pg is doing really well, its doubling and more!! :smiliedance: I just hope that it continues! :fingerscrossed:

[farmmummy]

Hi I have just been given the link to this thread as this time last week I was still holding by little boy then a few hours later lost him. He was born on the 18 October 2007 very health (we thought) the birth was quick and easy and we seemed to perfect, and happy.
After we lost Jack last Sunday we found that he had a very rare (1 in 10,000) heart problem and he lost his fight. Only problem is no one knew he had the problem it was something that should have been picked up early and if they had of known then he would have needed surgery as soon has he was born.

I knew there was something wrong but I didn't know exactly what. My greif was so strong too because he was suppose to be my last babe and after Sunday DH didn't think he wanted any more, but we have talked about it and we will eventually ttc again. Before I can even contimplate even going there I have to wait for the coroner to finish a test which (they can't preforme for another 4 weeks) will give them greater knowledge on how and why it occured and if it could happen again.


I so want a baby to hold and feel so empty, after Jack DH was suppose to get the sniip but I don't think that will happen now because I don't honestly know if I want to stop at just one more.

[jaydensmum]

Nikki - i just wanted to say im so sorry to hear of your loss!! :hugs: :hugs: How are you feeling? You have come to the right place, theres lots of lovely ladies here who have been through losing a child. I dont know what i would of done without these ladies and bubhub. :yes: We are all here for you, if you want to chat. :hugs:

[Christelle]

So sorry Nikki :hugs:
Just want to send you hugs.

We are all here for you.

I also found these other sites really helpful:
www.nationalshareoffice.com (http://www.nationalshareoffice.com)
www.missfoundation.org (http://www.missfoundation.org)

Please email me anytime you want to chat cdardagos@hotmail.com

[MissMel]

Hi Nikki
I am so sorry to read what happened.
Sending you lots of :hugs: & we are all here for you.
Mel

[farmmummy]

thank you very much for the warm welcome and all. I'm sorry I have to be meeting you all in this time of my life. I guess I'll start by telling you what happened...as much as we know at the moment.
I had John ("Jack") on the 18th of October, every thing from conseption to birth was absolutly perfect could have asked for an easier pregnancy or birth. On the 20th we took him home and that night he wasn't feeding properly and always seemed to have wind that I couldn't get up. Sunday morning he appeared to be breathing difficultly and at Lunch time after not feeding again I phoned the hospital. Managed to speak with a nurse (who said she was a midwife and isn't working as one) she gave me the brush off and told me to take him to the local hospital (maternity is 40mins away 'cause we live in a small rural town) any Reg nurse could tell if I wasn't feeding him properly. Any way after getting off the phone in tears I put bub in his cot since he had gone to sleep and I had a nap. I woke a short time later with DH sitting on the bed talking to DS I tried to feed again unsuccessful and tried a couple of other things before giving up and taking him to the maternity hospital. Every thing went down hill from there, at first they thought it was an infection then they took an xray of his chest and found his heart to be 3/4 the size of his chest. It turned out he was born with a rare heart problem (1 in 10,000) they had arranged for the pediatric emergency team to fly up from brisbane. Just after we heard the plane fly in my little mans heart gave out and after what seemed like an eternity the team from the RBH turned up and he still passed away.
At the moment I'm feeling so empty and lost I feel at the moment I need to do something to replace that emptyness and it's eating me as to when to TTC. The thing that is stopping me at the moment is that we are waiting on the coronor to give us answers as to what caused jack to develope his condition and if it will or could happen again.
thanks very much for reading and again for the warm welcome.

[jaydensmum]

Nikki - thanks so much for sharing your story. It brought tears to my eyes, it must of been so difficult for you hun!!! :hugs: :hugs: :crying: I just wanted to say that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care hun, we are all here for you! :hugs:

[StormAngel]

Oh Nikki, I'm so sorry :gloomy:

Please know you are in my thoughts :hugs:

[farmmummy]

Thank you again for your thoughts and prayers. Well I'm now in the process of trying to organise Jack's funeral, we get him back in another 3 weeks and then I will have some kind of closure. We had a small memorial last friday that the MIL organised - I didn't want it due to the fact that I have to deal with a funeral as well I felt without Jack there it was completly meaningless as nice as the ceremony was.
I have talked to DH about having another baby, he is holding off until I go and have my six week check up, pap smear and a mamorgam before he will consider trying again. I explained to him that I'm not trying to replace Jack nor will it bring him back but I just want another baby to hold. And I'm going to make DH jump through hoops so I can try and have another son. I already have two girls.
This week I managed to pack all the baby gear up but I can't bear to put it into storage just yet I can't bear to see it go away not yet.

[MissMel]

Hi Nikki
Hope you are going okay organising Jacks funeral. It is a horribly hard thing to have to do. Sending you lots of strength & hugs :hugs:
We are ttc at the moment, like you, I just want a baby to hold. I don't want a replacement.
I still have Jaspers nursery set up. All his clothes still in the drawers etc, just can't bring myself to move anything.
Hope you are given the all clear at your 6 wk check.
Mel

[MissMel]

Jaydensmum, how are you doing?
Was hoping to join you this month with a bfp, but nope, body doesn't want to play :no: .
Will keep trying and keep fingers crossed!

[farmmummy]

well I've just gotten off the phone from the Dr in two weeks I go in to have my pap smear and get my referal for the mamagram, she is also going to help me with working out ovulation etc. Also she said to me that if I manage to get that BFP before her contract is up then she will refer my ultrasound to the Royal Brisbane.
The appointment is also the week that we get Jack back. The funeral is going to be the week after because it's DD's 2nd birthday the same week that I'm off to see the doctor.
So on top of all this DH was told that he might have to get a transfer because is HQ is shut down and has been for 2/3 of this year without looks of opening again. I realy don't want to move I have so many memories here obviously not all good but still.
Miss Mel- I know what you mean about the nursery. I've packed everything up as if I'm going to put it into the shipping container we have over in the hay shed but I can't do it and I told DH there is no rush. Also told him that we're not putting up the other single bed back in the nursery because within the next 12 months there will be a healthy happy baby sleeping in there.
Jaydens Mum - how hard did you find falling pregnant again
Christelle - thanks for the web links

[jaydensmum]

farmummy - physically it wasnt hard falling pg but emotionally it was. My DH wanted us to fall pg for a while before i decided too. It was difficult making that decision, but i knew in my heart that it was right at that time. I think if you feel that its the right time then it will happen. Good luck hun! :fingerscrossed: :hugs:

Well i had my first scan yesterday and theres two sacks!! :eek: :D One has a heartbeat but the other one hasnt got one yet. I have to go back in two weeks to see whats happening. I was so shocked at first but its such a blessing! :yes:

[StormAngel]

oh wow Naomi! does that mean there's 2?

[farmmummy]

ooooh that sounds like a positive I hope every thing goes well at your next scan Naomi. I feel I am ready, the only problem is I'm not very patient person I want to start trying now I don't want to wait to have my test etc. But on the other hand I know it's for the best.
Talked with the funeral director today they are very nice, suppose it's their job after all.
Got very upset with outlaws the other day. I found sympathy cards to DH, DD and myself and people put MIL, FIL and SIL in the cards too. As if it has affected them our greif has nothing to do with them especially SIL. They never meet my little angel MIL and FIL were on holidays up in the Gulf and SIL was at work.
We had a memorial the week we lost Jack but it was all for the Outlaws not for oursake at all.
I am very angry towards outlaw at the moment.
Feel very weird at the moment I haven't cried for nearly 2 days now, I don't feel numb and I am constantly thinking of Jack, from pregnancy birth and the short time I had him in my arms. I can even look at his few pictures and his hand and foot prints without crying. Is this normal? I still feel empty.

[StormAngel]

Hun, You are completly normal {{{HUGS}}}.
how did you go with the funeral directors, just remember if there is ANYTHING that you want done for his funeral, just ask them, even if it sounds silly. IYKWIM?

[farmmummy]

Talking with MIL on the phone yesterday and she asked if her and FIL could see Jack I told her we had decided not to have a viewing and I basicly said in a round about fashion that I didn't want them too. Does any one feel that it's unreasonable for me to decline letting them see Jack, they weren't here when he was alive they were on holidays.

[Christelle]

Jack is your son and will always be. You can choose who you want to see him and if you don't want them to, well that's your choice.

YOu have enough to worry about... don't let anyone put any more pressure on you.

I'm here if you want to talk.

Christelle

[farmmummy]

Thanks Christelle. DH said yesterday when I told him that there has to be a way to keep us both happy. I snapped back and said you shouldn't have to I'm your wife and I'm his mother. Nothing else has been said and I'm going to phone the coronial counciler to make sure that DH and I are the only ones who will see him.
I feel that they have no right to Jack, I'm the one who carried him, gave birth to him and held him while he passed away. There is no way I'm backing down.

[Christelle]

I agree with you! Its up to you what you want.

How are you feeling emotionally? I know it's hard. I mean my situation is different but the grief is somewhat the same. I am almost 2 years on with the grief and it still feels very new. :gloomy:

[MissMel]

Farmummy - how are you doing?
I understand about the viewing. I don't get on very well with my MIL, she wasn't interested when Jasper was in Neo Nat & generally isnt very interested in anything to do with me (I think she still secretly wishes he was married to someone else grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr:mad: ) We decieded to have a private veiwing, not for her - infact I don't remember her even going to see him, but for my brother and hubbys sister who both live interstate, and for my Mum who was with me most of the time from Jaspers birth.
But I don't think there is anything at all wrong with your wishes and the funeral people will do what ever you want. Jack is your son.
I found it hard to look at anything to do with Jasper for a couple of weeks, but I now have a table that has his photos, a lovely candle that my dads wife got him and his hand and foot prints. I smile everytime I walk past it and have a little chat to him. Some days are horrible but they seem to be getting further apart.
And for trying for a little brother or sister for him, we are trying. I am the same as you, patience is a gene I missed out on :) . But as my doc said I won't fall until body, heart & soul are ready.
Yeah, yeah, ready now thanks :yes:
I hope the funeral goes okay for you. Its a hard, hard day. Sending you lots of :hugs:

Jadensmum - twins??????????????:D

[jaydensmum]

Mel - its not twins, its actually a bleed.:crying: Ive also got a cyst on my ovary thats 3cm big with blood in it. Its a bit scary at the moment, but im hoping that bub stays strong. Its little heartbeat was beating at 115bpm which is good for bubs at 6wks. My :fingerscrossed: everyday hoping that nothing goes wrong.

[StormAngel]

Naomi, hope everything stays well for you hun!!!

[MissMel]

Naomi, im sorry. Its my foot in mouth gene:(
Its great that bubs heartbeat is so strong:yes:
Thinking of you and sending lots of :hugs:

[farmmummy]

Naomi - Hope all goes well with bub, I am thinking of you.

[jaydensmum]

I went to the ob today and he said things are looking good. The bubs heartbeat is good and im measuring to the right dates. He isnt too concerned with the bleed. Ive got to see him next week.

[farmmummy]

Glad to hear things are going well for you Naomi thoughts are with you. I can't wait to start trying again. Just about have everything now organised for Jack's funeral except for his little outfit.
Was alright last week but this week I feel like a real basket case. Doesn't help that the weeks are still dragging. I'm going to organise my test this week so I can start planning again think that has been helpping me keep moving.

[farmmummy]

is it normal to feel that your greif is more so than your other halfs? I was talking with my aunt this morning who said to me that DH's greif is just as deep as mine but I feel that mine is deeper because of the fact I spent all the time with him after carrying him for 9 and giving birth as well as feeding him???? I must sound really selfish

[MissMel]

Naomi, great to hear about bub:)
Its good to hear that your ob isn't concerned about the bleed. Maybe he's seen something like that before?
AF arrived this morning:( Guess I should be glad that my cycles are back to normal.... blah blah.

Farmmummy, I felt the same about DH's grief. But I think that they just show it differently? One of the doctors that we saw said that the grief is different, but as they (DH) can't feel what we are feeling, neither can we feel what they are feeling... does that make any sense?
& no you are definatly not being selfish!

[StormAngel]

Farmmummy, I don't think your being selfish! I think that men feel greif differently & don't express it as much, it seem s to be deep down where others can't see it! IYKWIM

[farmmummy]

well everything is almost set for Jack's funeral. I visit him for the last time next Thursday and do the last bit of planning with the funeral directors next Thursday.
I finally had my p/s yesterday but not with the doctor I wanted. But atleast I finally had it done. I don't have to have a mamagram any more because apparently they wont be able to get a decent read out of it because I'm so young. So now I'm just waiting on my body to co-operate and start acting normal. I purchased an ovulation tester the other week, it reads saliva. But again body isn't ready to co-operate. Every one but the doctor I saw yesterday has been supportive of my wanting to fall pregnant again so soon. Even a dr's wife.
Weekends seem to be the hardest for me to get through at the moment I guess I feel alone the most because I can't call my counsiler. I suppose if it gets too bad I can call the sidsandkids hotline. I think working on the reno's to our home and looking after DD is helpping me get over the week.