Vent!

[UmmInayah]

Does any one else find formula feeding people very defensive? I feel like they think that because I choose to breastfeed, I am attacking them, no matter what I say.

I might say something about how I really enjoy breastfeeding, and almost straight away they act like I am trying to say what they are doing is wrong "There isn't anything wrong with formula!"

Ugh, I have HAD it! I never said ANYTHING about how formula is bad, even though I might deep down think it is, I would never say it to your face!

[ikis84]

Yes. But I think it is because many of them either face **** from some people for formula feeding and/or feel guilt/grief over not being able to breastfeed. I really feel for some mums :yes:

[Noah_and_Elijah]

I breastfed and I now formula feed so I can see it from both sides.

I do think though that you have to feel for some women, they would give their right arm to be able to breastfeed and they simply can't (for various reasons) so hearing someone such as yourself who is a proud breastfeeder say that formula is bad... It's like rubbing salt into the wound.

Congratulations on you having a successful breastfeeding relationship but others aren't so lucky.

[Lollie86]

It depends who it is. Some mums do cop a lot of cr** bc they formula feed and then the minute you mention something about breastfeeding they are automatically on the defensive bc they are so used to it.

Other mums i have dealt with just applaud me for bf and dont feel like they are being vicitmised for bottlefeeding.

I think it depends on the circumstances and how much cr** they have been given IYKWIM?

[UmmInayah]

You're right, some people cannot breastfeed and I feel for them too. But I am not trying to attack them when I am saying how I love breastfeeding.

It is really sad that some people try and try to breastfeed, but just can't. It just shows that they are determined to do what is scientically best for their child.

I understand that sometimes the only alternative is to formula feed, and that's fair enough..

Maybe I am just whinging, but I just *feel* like whenever I say anything about breastfeeding, they feel like I am attacking them.

[Mum&bubs]

Yes, I am over it too :o

I don't think I have ever once in my life said anything bad about formula feeding mother's because I simply don't care how you feed your child but I still feel like they are being defensive against me.

Not all of them, just a few!

It is frustrating but I'd probably be the same if I HAD to use formula. If I had no other choice but to use a bottle, I'd be jealous of breastfeeding mother's.

[Noah_and_Elijah]

I understand how you feel and most people won't bat an eyelid on the subject but like others have said it all comes down to how much they have been rubbished for formula feeding...

[Angelmist♥]

I love when people talk about breastfeeding! It depends on how people say it though.I have been abused for FF, told my children will have mental illnesses as they get older etc,etc, etc :ecomcity:

For example I was once saying IRL that Ellie was due for a bottle and a BF 'friend' of mine said "Oh no stinky bottles in this house, ** only likes booby"Hmmm way to make me feel more like **** for DD stopping BF:rolleyes:

Comments like that can really get to you........and before anyone comes out with the "we can't make you feel guilty" retort.I realise that it was because I still had issues.

[*babygirl*]

to the ones that make u feel that way... they probably envy your breastfeeding relationship...

i tried so hard to keep feeding DD but was hospitalised twice in her first three months after spilt nipples and bllod blisters and supply issues and then had surgery and after my third stint in hospital in three months all the drugs i was on etc the breastpump didnt keep my supply and DD was too happy with her formula supplement and as of last week is officially bottlefed.. some people make me defensive... but mostly i envy breastfeeding mummies... i think it is beautiful and i wish i could give my daughter that... but ppl dont think about my sturggle when they see me formula feeding... so maybe we feel the need to defend our choice as a mother because WE dont like it... and we are trying to justify it to ourselves as well.... especially as my hurt is so fresh.:(

[UmmInayah]

to the ones that make u feel that way... they probably envy your breastfeeding relationship...

i tried so hard to keep feeding DD but was hospitalised twice in her first three months after spilt nipples and bllod blisters and supply issues and then had surgery and after my third stint in hospital in three months all the drugs i was on etc the breastpump didnt keep my supply and DD was too happy with her formula supplement and as of last week is officially bottlefed.. some people make me defensive... but mostly i envy breastfeeding mummies... i think it is beautiful and i wish i could give my daughter that... but ppl dont think about my sturggle when they see me formula feeding... so maybe we feel the need to defend our choice as a mother because WE dont like it... and we are trying to justify it to ourselves as well.... especially as my hurt is so fresh.:(

:hugs: to you. I feel for you and it must be hard. you are right they must envy it.

[ikis84]

:hugs: babygirl

[*babygirl*]

thanks for the hugs...
i just always keep in mind that no one WILLINGLY gives there baby the second option but some of us dont have a choice or for personal reasons prefer bottle feeding... and that if breastmilk came in 'formula' versions.. i am sure we would all be using that! i have to come to peace with my choices because e refuse to be bitter about it forever... but atm i DO feel the need to defend myself when i feel i am being attacked...

but for the record i would NEVER get defensive at you talking about how u love bfeeding! i would get defensive i u started saying why you HATE bottle feeding iykwim.... but if we were having a discussion on the topic i would tell u my story so u understand... but that isnt being 'defensive' lol... im glad you have a great bfeeding realtionship with you bubba. i wish we were all so lucky:thumbsup:

[ikis84]

Some people do willingly make the 'choice' to bottlefeed, not for reasons of inability, abuse etc. I don't understand it, when I see so many mums who grieve it, yk, and would love to.

[~mia&ryan~]

:hugs: Dont take it to heart.. As a bottlefeeding mama, I think its fantastic to see mums who have successful breastfeeding relationships with their children, I would have loved that!!! Hopefully next time...Dont let it get you down...

[Bree3]

I am a mum who wasn't able to breastfeed, it just didn't happen for us :no: . When i first had DD1 i never even relised how some people frown on people who formula feed their babies. I always knew that breast was best but never thought that i was harming my child by formula feeding her buts that how i was made to feel. Now i don't care, i feed my kids where ever when ever. I'm not jealous of breastfeeding mothers because i know that i have/am doing the best i can for my kids.

I can understand Formula Feeding mothers getting on the defensive side. From experince there are people out there that will look at you and even say something quite mean or rude to you because you are formula feeding. To a new mother going through so many emotions already and already thinking they may be a failure to their baby this is quite a blow when other people judge you so badly. So they are going to be defensive, it's just such a sensisitive issue. I just never got how a complete stranger who doesn't even know why you are formula feeding can judge you so harshly.

Well done if you do breastfeed because as you all know not everyone can do it. Well i hope i haven't upset anyone and i'm sorry now if i have this is just what i think.

[lotti]

Personally. I breastfed but never felt the need to tell everyone how wonderful it was or how I bonded or loved it.
I was a formula fed baby and I'm very healthy and very loved and thats pretty wonderful too. :D

[BabyLs]

I have a lot of friends who brestfeed/fed their babies and my sister in laws both breastfeed. I have never had negative comments from them, only sooo much support when i tried both times with everything in me only for it to not work out. I actually thought it was going to work with DD then it all turned pear shape and that was harder to deal with as I had my hopes right up there adn kept thinking I am so proud of myself. when it failed I suffered depression so bad I would call my mum sometimes 4 times a day and ball my freakin eyes out.

I alwys envy other women when they can breastfeed and if i see a woman in an eatery or in the mothers room feeding then I will smile. The thing is I will get over it one day but for now it is still quite raw. I have had some pretty bad comments and looks from strangers.....'oh there's no such thing as not being able to BF' and 'oh you just didn't try hard enough'....I do overreact sometimes to things and have been called over sensitive recently on BH. I don't think I am negative to breastfeeders just wish I could do it. My kids are very healthy though so I know I am doing the best thing for them, feeding them formula has done nothing to make them unhealthy.

[~Emmylou~]

I feel this way to a certain extent but I can kind of see it from two sides...

My side - It's taken a huge amount of commitment for me to breastfeed as long as I have, and alot of persistence through Toby's sleep issues to ignore every single person who basically told me to either put him on formula or stop whinging about how he won't sleep. I'm proud of myself that I continued to feed him in spite of this and I do enjoy breastfeeding my little man so much.

My best friend stopped breastfeeding her DS when he was six weeks old after all the dramas of inverted nipples, prem baby etc - she had a hard time. While I'm proud and happy to have fed my son as long as I have I'm really careful not to go on at her about it because I know it's a sensitive topic with her that she was unable to continue feeding.

So I keep my mouth shut out of sensitivity to her feelings...to the more political breastfeeders, that's probably the "wrong" thing to do...but I just feel it's showing respect for her feelings - the same as I wouldn't go on and on about my pregnancy to someone who had just had a miscarriage IYKWIM.

[hayleysmummy]

Some people do willingly make the 'choice' to bottlefeed, not for reasons of inability, abuse etc. I don't understand it, when I see so many mums who grieve it, yk, and would love to.

Yes some people do willingly bottle feed but hey that is THEIR desicion and no body should have any right to judge that :no:
I breastfeed and I never ever or would say anything bad about a bottlefeeding mother
We are all great parents regardless of how our children are fed

[ikis84]

Yes some people do willingly bottle feed but hey that is THEIR desicion and no body should have any right to judge that :no:
I breastfeed and I never ever or would say anything bad about a bottlefeeding mother
We are all great parents regardless of how our children are fed

Some people willingly 'chose' to not use carseats either, or make other parenting choices that are not in the best interests of thier children. I don't have issues with formula - it is needed by many women who can't breastfeed for different reasons. I was simply saying that some women don't even try, as a previous poster was saying that she doesn't know anyone who would willingly chose somethign that was inferior for their children. They do. Simple. Go shake your head at someone else.

[Mamalicious]

I formula feed, I didn't have supply issues, it's for other reasons, but I am supportive of breastfeeding anyway!

What I find difficult is when someone asks me why I don't breastfeed, and it's a pretty personal reason, so when I tell them and they still pressure me to breastfeed I do get hurt and defensive!

Especially because I know breast is best nutritionally, it BUGS me that I don't breastfeed, but I hate being sucked from like that!

I've been taking pills to keep my supply, so if I choose to BM feed, I can.

But I DEFINITELY see why FF mums get defensive, they get bollocked, and there are always threads and convos about how fantastic b/fing is, which can be hard to read if you feel guilty about FF.

[forbetoel]

Some women don't want to breast feed, and are not at all envious. I personally loved breast feeding, and did for 12 months with each child, but I had friends who LOVED pointing out to other FF mum about how easy breast feeding is, and how much better the bonding is, etc,etc. At the end of the day if the way you feed your baby is used as a tool to make yourself feel better, and for others to feel worse, then you need to get a life. In th OP you said that although you dont say it, you do think formula feeding is bad, so it would be quite easy for ff mums to pick up on this while you are gloating about the benifits of breast feeding. If you are sick of FF mums getting defensive, then don't talk to FF mums about breast feeding. I love breast feeding, but am very mindful to not go on about it to others mothers who either couldn't or wouldn't breast feed. However they feed their baby is fine with me.

[BabyLs]

Yes some people do willingly bottle feed but hey that is THEIR desicion and no body should have any right to judge that :no:
I breastfeed and I never ever or would say anything bad about a bottlefeeding mother
We are all great parents regardless of how our children are fed
Yeah that's right. I don't judge any parent for anything really unless they are being cruel or mean to my children. Life and parenting is hard enough let alone having people make you feel bad. Some people out there do it on purpose and some really don't think before they speak even some of my close relatives

[UmmInayah]

You're all right. I guess it does bug me, but I can see where you are all coming from. I should just be more cautious what I say and who I say it to.

I don't feel like I am judging people as individuals. I can't help it when I feel like formula isn't the best even though I know that some mothers have no other choice. Who knows? I may lose my supply and have to use formula myself, but that doesn't mean I think it is the best. It is second best (after finding a wet nurse :P)

[lotti]

Some people willingly 'chose' to not use carseats either, or make other parenting choices that are not in the best interests of thier children. I don't have issues with formula - it is needed by many women who can't breastfeed for different reasons. I was simply saying that some women don't even try, as a previous poster was saying that she doesn't know anyone who would willingly chose somethign that was inferior for their children. They do. Simple. Go shake your head at someone else.

Some people making other more unsafe or undesirable choices are 'breastfeeders' too.
Just because people breastfeed doesn't make us the best mummys in every other way.

Formula might be second best (and I say 'might' because I really think that peoples diets would have some affect on their breast milk) but it is a wonderful alternative.

I don't think we shouldn't be able to enjoy breastfeeding, but I do think its nice to keep in mind that for peoples 'personal' reasons they did not make the same decisions. :)

[forbetoel]

I don't think we shouldn't be able to enjoy breastfeeding, but I do think its nice to keep in mind that for peoples 'personal' reasons they did not make the same decisions. :)

Exactly, I think it shows someones true insecurities when they need to always try and validate "their way" as the best way. It puzzles me why some women can be so judgmental on the way another mum "choses" to feed her baby, who cares, it is such a trivial thing, and wether the milk comes from a breast or bottle, the most important thing is that it is given by a loving mother, which 99.9% of the time it does!

[meme]

it is such a trivial thing

infant feeding is definately not a trivial issue.

it is an important issue as infants are vulnerable and need optimal nutrition.

it is an emotive issue as many mothers strongly want to breastfeed and have lot's of intense feelings surrounding this issue.

it is anything but trivial.

regarding the op, i think it's been covered already, i agree with others who have said that in many cases others reactions on this issue can come from their own experiences and feelings.

i think it's wonderful that you see the importance of breastfeeding and know that many others do too.

being supportive of breastfeeding mothers and proactive about breastfeeding promotion is no comment on formula feeding at all.

you are not alone in noticing how it is that mothers all get defensive with each other. it does seem like that, but we can also all be each others best support team and you see that a lot on bubhub too.

[RedPanda]

I think it would have been better if you had stated "SOME mothers" in your original post, as not all mothers feel defensive. Generalisations are not fair.

Good for you for doing what you feel is best for your baby, but please don't assume ALL mothers who bottlefeed feel defensive.

[Harlequin]

]But I DEFINITELY see why FF mums get defensive, they get bollocked, and there are always threads and convos about how fantastic b/fing is, which can be hard to read if you feel guilty about FF.[/COLOR]

*nods*

I can understand mothers getting defensive when it comes to insulting or antagonising comments about bottlefeeding - it's a natural response in that case.

But when I see a mother getting defensive and prickly over a comment that is totally innocent my first thought is that they have guilt issues related to their choice to bottlefeed.

(and obviously im not talking about mothers who cannot breastfeed - I just want to clarify that otherwise someone's bound to come in here and kill me in the face)

This is why I told Duchessa she was a breath of fresh air the other day. It's lovely to see a mother who is so comfortable with her parenting choices that she can laugh about "artificial feeding" where so many others just get offended.


If you are sick of FF mums getting defensive, then don't talk to FF mums about breast feeding

4boys2love, I don't know about you, but most of the time I see people getting defensive its in the general area or breastfeeding area of forums. It's not like many people go and seek out bottlefeeding mothers just to have a go at them. At least not so far as I have seen...

I try to not post much in feeding forums because of the heightened emotion you tend to find in them :)

[JorBai]

With some of the comments in here is it any wonder FF mothers get defensive.

For god sake, formula is not poison. The way some people talk about it honestly makes it sound like it is:no:

Thank goodness that SOME of the breastfeeding mothers understand how the FF mothers feel. Its nice to see.

[forbetoel]

infant feeding is definately not a trivial issue.

it is anything but trivial.

being supportive of breastfeeding mothers and proactive about breastfeeding promotion is no comment on formula feeding at all.



I am all for the promotion of breast feeding to women who WANT/CAN breast feed. If you want to go on about the wonderful benifits of breast feeding to a FF mother, then I think you are asking for a defensive response.
And yes I believe how "other" mothers feed their babies is a trivial issue, it is no-one elses business, and as Jorbai said, it is not poison! Get over what other mothers do, and try to be happy with what you are doing, without the need to make others feel bad.
Like I have already said, I loved breast feeding, and was lucky enough to find it a breeze, but not all mums can or even want to breast feed, so thank goodness for formula, so their babies can also thrive!

[forbetoel]

[quote=Harlequin;


4boys2love, I don't know about you, but most of the time I see people getting defensive its in the general area or breastfeeding area of forums. It's not like many people go and seek out bottlefeeding mothers just to have a go at them. At least not so far as I have seen...
[quote]

I was referring to the original OP where she said that FF mothers get defensive when she talks about breast feeding to them, and she also admitted that she thinks FF is "bad" So I am just a little :confused: as to why, with these sorts of thoughts, that she would even say things about BF to a FF mum.
Most mothers certainly don't go out of their way to have a go at FF mums, I agree. However there is always going to be someone, who will feel superior when breast feeding in front of a FF mum, and I do think they are an extreme minority, who perhaps have more issues than the FF mum, who gets defensive (and rightly so)
To anyone reading this :thumbsup: for however you chose to feed your baby, and if you have found BF easy and enjoyable, then well done :D, but to all you bottle feeding mums, don't let anyone make you feel bad, formula is their for a reason, because thousands of other mums in Australia are also feeding their bubs formula too.....and are thriving :thumbsup:

[Harlequin]

Ah ok, sorry about that 4boys2love I thought you were talking in general. :thumbsup:

[meme]

I might say something about how I really enjoy breastfeeding, and almost straight away they act like I am trying to say what they are doing is wrong "There isn't anything wrong with formula!"

sorry i can't see anything in the op where she says she seeks out and talks to ff mums about breastfeeding, rather that she makes comments about her own feeding experiences that are then seen as some sort of comment on others experiences, or that seems to be how the op is feeling
(sorry if i am wrong)


Get over what other mothers do, and try to be happy with what you are doing, without the need to make others feel bad.
i have a social conscience. i just don't want to live in a society where we don't look out for each other.
we need to be all looking out for child health issues, infant feeding is one of these child health area's.

and while formula can be life saving for some babies in some situations, it can be just as dangerous for other babies in other individual situations, like the babies in the phillipines that are dying from things that could be prevented by breastfeeding because the companies that market formula are not regulated well enough and encourage everyone to formula feed, despite the fact that not all families can afford to or have the clean water and facilities to allow for proper preparation.

i think that part of the reason people end up at odds about infant feeding is that not all of the issues surrounding forumla use are common knowledge so it can seem on the surface like a trivial issue and something that is a personal choice, but for others who look into it further and find out things like

" in 2002 in the ACT, a study found that early weaning can add $1-$2 million to annual costs for gastro illness, respitory and ear infections,eczema and neonatal necrotising enterocolitis"
using these figures savings across the australian hospital system could be $60-$120million for these illnesses alone.

not trivial.

talking about these issues is not done to make anyone feel bad, as mothers/parents we all have to make the best choices we can with the information we have available, none of us are perfect parents and we are all individual, so what's 'best' is always going to be different. i make no judgement here. i just see infant feeding, of which breast and bottlefeeding play a role as an important issue that deserves to be discussed.

but that's abit ot. sorry

[forbetoel]

No worries Harlequin, that is the problem with forums, text has no vocal tones, so it is easy to take the wrong way, even with the use of one word can change the whole way a post sounds! Your bub is real cut BTW :yes:

[forbetoel]

Meme, sorry I am a bit :confused: I was simply saying that if she soesn't like when FF mums get defensive, then don't talk to them about BF, especially when she does have the belief that FF is "bad"
And I was refeering to Australian babies, and still maintain that it is none of our business how another mother feeds. We have clean water for Formula, babies in Australia can and do thrive on FF. It is great to have a social concience, but where does it end??? Formula feeding...circumsission.....non-vaxing....co sleeping etc etc, If a mother is FF, then she is FF, nothing you can say can bring back her milk, it is only going to make her feel like cr@p, and what good is that?

[UmmInayah]

:hugs: meme, thank you for being understanding. I have a problem expressing myself, and I think you have really assisted me in trying to put my point across

I don't deliberately go out and source FF mothers and tell them how important breastfeeding is.

If I wanted to do that, I would have posted this in the "bottle feeding" section :p

[stellarella]

I understand where the OP is coming from.

It doesn't matter what I say or how I say it, if I ever say anything frank or honest about infant feeding or if I share my joy in BF or the delightful benefit of BM there are always people who will call me a BFing Nazi and say I am attacking their 'choice' to FF.

I think its unfortunate that people let their own grief or guilt regarding FF cloud their judgement.

I have never criticised or induced guilt in a FF mum. I have FF friends who I love and respect just as I love and respect all my friends.

I will however continue to share my joy in BFing and how proud I feel to BF my son. And i will continue to be a lactivist and discuss infant feeding because it is an issue close to my boobs. :p

[Harlequin]

No worries Harlequin, that is the problem with forums, text has no vocal tones, so it is easy to take the wrong way, even with the use of one word can change the whole way a post sounds! Your bub is real cut BTW :yes:

Thank you :D

[UmmInayah]

I understand where the OP is coming from.

It doesn't matter what I say or how I say it, if I ever say anything frank or honest about infant feeding or if I share my joy in BF or the delightful benefit of BM there are always people who will call me a BFing Nazi and say I am attacking their 'choice' to FF.

I think its unfortunate that people let their own grief or guilt regarding FF cloud their judgement.

I have never criticised or induced guilt in a FF mum. I have FF friends who I love and respect just as I love and respect all my friends.

I will however continue to share my joy in BFing and how proud I feel to BF my son. And i will continue to be a lactivist and discuss infant feeding because it is an issue close to my boobs. :p

Thank you stellarella. I think SOME FF people need to be a little bit more mature and not act as if everyone is out to attack them.

[Nowhere]

I'm sorry that formula feeding mums make you feel that way, it think it works both ways as well though KWIM, i have friends that breast feed and that formula feed and we all get along great, one of my friends has actual been having trouble with BF do to the fact her bub has problems with certain foods, i have been supporting her in trying to continue breast feeding and have been helping her out with food ideas that don't contain his NONO foods,

Just for the record i may come across defensive on here but I have had some pretty stupid comments made to me so its hard not to get defensive when other are offensive, oh and I'm not jealous or envious of the relationship bf mums have with there bubs kenz and I couldn't be closer and I love that, In saying that though i do wish Kenz could drink or eat something weather it from a breast or a bottle or a cup or straight of the floor to be honest but oh well

Hugs to you you are doing the best for YOUR baby don't let others upset you

[JorBai]

I think SOME FF people need to be a little bit more mature and not act as if everyone is out to attack them.

I understand that you have put the word SOME but I actually think that comment is very offensive. Maturity has nothing to do with this at all. You need to understand that FF mothers will naturally react when people comment on how bad formula is for a child, how it causes ill health etc. Im sure a FF mother would not come into a thread if it was a
"Positive BFing thread that didnt put down formula in some way."

Be aware that you were lucky to succeed with BFing, some mothers dont get that luck and understandably will take offence to comments like they need to be more mature.:thumbsdown:

I am now a very proud FF mother and I did try BFing and it didnt work for me. I will admit tho I do get defensive if someone throws it down my throat that formula is bad. Not because I hold guilt but because its a load of rubbish. It is what has kept my first child alive and he has never been sick yet in his life.

[UmmInayah]

You need to understand that FF mothers will naturally react when people comment on how bad formula is for a child, how it causes ill health etc.

I am really sorry if I have offended you. You are right. I am just really annoyed at the way people react sometimes when I say nothing about formula - only ever comment on my own experience.

As for the comment above, I said nothing about how "bad" formula is (Am I reiterating myself here? - RE: Original post). In my OP all I ever said was how much I love breastfeeding. Not to gloat, but to share my own personal experience about it. And I DO understand that people get upset by constantly hearing about how bad it is. (In fact I believe I have already covered this and stated many times I agree with what some of the others have said in this thread.)

[JorBai]

I am really sorry if I have offended you. You are right. I am just really annoyed at the way people react sometimes when I say nothing about formula - only ever comment on my own experience.

As for the comment above, I said nothing about how "bad" formula is (Am I reiterating myself here? - RE: Original post). In my OP all I ever said was how much I love breastfeeding. Not to gloat, but to share my own personal experience about it. And I DO understand that people get upset by constantly hearing about how bad it is. (In fact I believe I have already covered this and stated many times I agree with what some of the others have said in this thread.)

So has a FF mother come into a friendly thread regarding your love of BFing and been defensive about your love of feeding???

IF this is the case then I totally agree as I would never go into a positive BFing thread and whinge because I had no luck.

However the only time I see FFers getting defensive is when we read about the ill effects of it on the health of children. And lately there has been alot of these threads.

[UmmInayah]

I haven't really noticed any threads particularly aimed at "how bad formula is".

I can name a thread that was posted recently about gut flora.

I believe that thread was to shed some light on what can happen when anything other than breastmilk is introduced into a baby's digestive system.. Not necessarily how bad formula is.. I guess it was just taken that way.

[draught]

I think that this thread has run it's course.
Thank you to all who contributed in a positive fashion.