Why me? My birth trauma (Warning, sookielala moment...)

[stellarella]

I apologise in advance for my sookielala moment. I wanted to post in the private Birth Trauma section but I dont have the password yet...

I've never really identified myself as someone suffering birth trauma, after all when I consider what some women go through mine shouldn't really be that bad. However it is becoming increasingly obvious that I have a lot of unresolved pain and anger surrounding Oscar's birth.

Since I had Oscar quite a few of my friends have had straight forward births ranging from 4-6 hours in length, although length is far from the issue here. They all had completely natural births, no tearing, quick recovery, they were dream births...etc etc.

I just heard this morning that another friend gave birth in 5 1/2 hours, she dilated to 8cms in 2 hours.

I want to feel happy for my friends however every time I hear one of these stories it feels like kick in the guts. I spent a fair bit of this morning bawling my eyes out as my heart just aches for a beautiful/natural birth.

DP had no idea I felt like this until he saw my reaction this morning. He told me I shouldn't be feeling this still 14 months after Oscar's birth. I feel like a spolit brat. I cant even bring myself to be happy for this new mummy. I just feel cheated.

*I'm so sorry if you are reading this (unlikely), I am so happy for you but my own issues are getting in the way.*

There wasn't anything particularly 'text book' traumatic about Oscar's birth. I mean at no point were he or I in any danger. He was never in distress, he was always fine, I wasn't given an episiotomy, no forceps/ventouse, no c/sec, no awful CPs, no birth rape...it was just an incredibly long birth, it was beyond ridiculous how hard I was contracting for all that time...I just dont understand how I could have been working so hard and yet not much was happening.

I dont understand why I did everything right and yet it didnt really help my body work effectively...I dont understand why I had to learn this cruel lesson of fate.

Why did I have a posterior baby regardless of what I did to turn him? Why did I suffer the stress of the 19 days I was 'over due'? why did I suffer a 2nd degree tear from his shoulders of all things? Why did I have so many beautiful dreams leading up to his birth about what it would be like? Why did he never engage? Why was his head de-flexed? Why did he turn the long way around? Why did I suffer maternal exhaustion? (well I know the answer to this one :rolleyes: ) Why why why why why?

I feel like I am in limbo. I dont know how to move past this pain. I dont know what I can work towards next time or what I can improve. I dont have anything to grasp or hold on to in order to give myself hope.

I have a video of Oscar's birth but I cant watch it because it feels like a horrible nightmare that just went on too long. I feel sorry for me when I think about it.

On a more positive note I have managed to suppress the bad parts of it and focus on the good bits. Amazingly I have found beauty in parts of it, joy and happiness. But then on those odd occasions I hear of another birth or I think about all the dreams I had which were shattered I just turn into a complete mess.

I feel like the universe has failed me and I cant work out why or what I have done wrong to deserve it. I just feel like I was dealt a bad hand and I feel powerless. If only there was something I could cling to in order to regain some control.

My feelings are all muddled. I cant pin point exactly where the pain comes from. I suppose its grief for the birth I never got, or the trauma of what I went through for all those hours and even those weeks leading up to the birth...the pressure from people wanting to know why he wasnt here yet...the weeks of pre-labour which I thought would shorten my 'real' labour as everyone assured me my body was working in preparation...

I feel like my body is a total failure...I feel like its broken, not designed for birth...as much as I know thats not true, my irrational side tells me that I wasnt made for giving birth...I will never be able to give birth without 'help'...I am a very independant person and I dont want 'help'...I want to do it on my own as with everything else in my life.

I was told I have an android pelvis by my gorgeous midwife (or a suspected android pelvis), she didnt say it to upset me she was just being honest as to why Oscar wasn't engaging and why he eventually engaged posterior and then never budged until he was under my pubic arch. Now confirmed by my osteopath I also have strange hips :rolleyes: ...I went to him to be 'fixed'....but apparently I cant be fixed.....f*cking typical! I am so angry. Its just not fair.

God I could go on forever about this...

I dont know what I will do if the same thing happens next time. I want to fall pregnant and brush all my demons away with the next birth, but what happens if nothing changes next time...?? I cant imagine what my emotional state will be then.

I also feel really alone bacause I am an unusual case. I havent met anyone who had a similar experience or who knows where I am coming from...

Anyway, if you got this far you must be really bored :sleeping:

Thanks for listening.

[ButterflyMama]

Firstly Ella.. *hugs*

You have every right to feel disappointed and upset. It's very hard when something you thought would work out didn't at all, especially when it is as significant as the birth of your son.

I also want to say that "suppressing" thoughts you're having, especially bad ones, is not helpful long term. You need to allow yourself to grieve the loss of an experience you never had but desperately wanted, in doing this you acknowledge your own pain.

I too had a very traumatic birth and I cannot stand it when people say to me "Oh but you got a gorgeous baby in the end". Well, duh! Of course I did, that was never the issue. The issue was what I had to go through to get there. Focusing on good bits about it is all well and good, but you also need to let yourself be upset. You have every right to feel let down by your body. Your body didn't fail you though, as cliched as this sounds (and I hate cliches).. sometimes you need to go through something really horrible so that you can learn what you want and how to do it differently next time. I know you prepared yourself well and truly for Oscar's birth but going through this will also make you that much more determined to ensure it happens differently next time.

I also suggest you going to talk to someone. What you are going through is real, and you shouldn't have to go through it alone. I don't know where the heck I'd be if I didn't go and seek the help of my psychologist, who I see weekly. It's great talking to someone (who isn't male) who can really understand you and help you work through things. Don't rush it. You are going to heal, it might take a while but you will get there. I always say the first step is the hardest; asking for help. You're on your way.

I hope this helps you somewhat, even a tiny bit. If you ever want to talk, I'm always here. I have the same fears as you.. especially regarding the birth of my next baby.

ETA: Also wanted to add that birth trauma is completely personal and subjective. Just because others might have gone through what you consider "worse" than you, doesn't mean that what you went through was any less significant.

Jessie

[~Emmylou~]

:hugs:

I had a different kind of birth trauma with my second birth to what you're describing, but alot of the feelings are the same.

Reading your story, I honestly think you did everything you could to make your birth a good experience...and I'm not saying this to be harsh but the reality is that like death, birth is not something we always have full control over...sometimes it takes us by surprise and it doesn't go to plan. We do all we can, and things still go pear shaped.

Having another baby, even if you have your dream birth - won't do anything to redress the pain of Oscar's birth.
I thought about this for a long time, fantasised about what my next birth would be like but I realised that it won't erase the memories of the last one. I have to deal with it, integrate it and take the positives from it...that's the only way forward. I've taken alot from Toby's birth that I can use to help others now as a doula, and for me that's helping to heal it a little. There's no papering over it with a new experience to replace the old one.

I hope you can find a way to move forward too. Keep talking about it...talk, talk, talk. I've spewed bile about my son's birth to anyone who'd listen for a year now and I'm only just reaching the point where I feel I'm starting to heal a little. :o

[AM]

:hugs: I hope getting it down on 'paper' helps even a little bit. I have to agree with Miss Behave, supressing bits can end up bad news, I hope now you are releasing some of it, you can work on all of it.
In your own time of course. And it can take a while.:hugs:

[fai firinne]

Hi Ella,

I am far from bored!! :hugs:

You write with real power and immediacy. I have not walked in your shoes, but I feel like if I had been through what you have, I would be feeling like you, I have a feeling that I must have a similar temperament. You sound like me, talking on another subject. I am a pretty intense person, fairly determined and a bit of a battler. Some things have gone well for me due to stubborn tenacity, a bit of canny foresight and a splash of pure paranoia. But I've had my share of disaster and I've tended to process it in a tumultuous way that reminds me of the way you are tackling it. So I feel for you Ella and I hear you sister. I love how you're thrashing it out and I agree with the others, I think that beats trying to suppress the bad stuff. I actually think you're free-er to accept and be glad about the good aspects after you've had a chance to rage over the **** parts.

There's a real gutsy honesty to the way you write about it. Are you like that IRL - do you pace and rage and verbalize? Or does it come easier on paper? Do you find that having a supportive listener - who really 'gets' active listening - is helpful or do you just get impatient? I found I needed to be a very canny consumer when it came to finding a listener to hear me when i was processing trauma. I needed someone who could just listen, hear, acknowledge and bear witness to my story - not try to fix me or counsel me. I knew what I needed to do to help myself but I just so needed to feel, 'heard'.

I've supported a couple of close friends during their first births. My first was 24 hours of hard slog. But it was OK and the second part was easy, no tears - it really was a pretty damn good first birth. So then I support my two close friends. One ends in c/s and the other in ventouse and the worst episiotomy I've ever seen or heard of. I felt survivors guilt. I cried more for my friend who had the episiotomy than any birth I've ever been part of. Both had posterior bubs and both went overdue, and the second sounds similar to yours in that the bub decided to rotate round the long way - from ROA to posterior and never made it to LOA as he was clearly trying to do. These are just tough, tough labours for a first timer. They both did unbelievably well with the cards they were dealt. Really. So did you. I doubt that helps and probably it just ****es you off (love that auto-edit). But I just want to say: yes it was f****n horrible. But you did it. Your body did it. You got handed a really tough birth. It was not what you expected. You weren't ready for it. I would've gotten a big shock if it had happened to me too and I get the feeling my reactions would be pretty similar to yours.

There's always going to be people with easier births than you and worse horror births than you. But your response to the experience is yours alone and it counts - it's valid, and the experience of trauma, horrible as it is, is a message to you that something needs and deserves attention. I felt like such a phoney when I realised I had a degree of trauma after my last birth in which nothing went amiss physically (narrow escape) but the incredible emotional intimidation I was under, and the way they interrupted my bonding with my newborn, really affected me. I was watching the video the other day and I just felt a surge of rage as I watched them take away my healthy newborn to do their stupid exam. The feelings surface in layers. My baby is 4 already and I still feel grief and anger about the way they unnecessarily broke off our skin-to-skin. TABS in New Zealand help me to not feel guilty for feeling traumatized even tho nothing 'that bad' had happened to me. That helped a lot. So, validate your right to have the emotional response you are having to the circumstances of your birth. The impact on you. And the fact that it is OK to still be dealing with it, bit by bit, over time. Give yourself that permission and be patient with yourself. Don't be mad at you for feeling mad and ****ed off. You're fine. Just in talking about it, and being honest about the rage, brings you to a better place.

As you move forward, I really hope that you'll be able to pass through the self-loathing, the love/hate, pity/rage towards your own body, that you feel failed you - yet it did an incredible job, and an incredibly hard job. That may come in time. You may be able to move towards working with the body you have, and blessing it again. It's there ahead of you - don't be upset if you're not there yet or you think you'll NEVER get there.

Would a copy of the Birth Review help you - have you seen it - let me know what you think of it - helpful or not? Also, feel free to pm me if you would like to read a de-brief by another mother than really helped me - she went over your choices with searing honesty and it helped her come to terms with things.

What's happening for birth trauma support in Darwin? Any groups for sharing/processing birth stories? We have a few things down here, they are very powerful times.

How is it that the women who damn well deserve a medal wind up feeling like failures? If you did what you did in any other field of endeavour, you'd be winning awards.

I hope you an get some real support 'with skin on' IRL. Keep talking darl. It's hard what you are going through but you are not crazy, it's real - real hard - but real - and reading your journey will help other women.

[V8]

Hmmm, the other ladies have really said it all, so i can't say too much else. I am terrified of experiencing the same first birth as i had, as far as first births go i think it was pretty darn horrid! I am taking steps to avoid that happening by homebirthing the next one and not letting any negativity surround me. DS is nearly 2 and i still cringe when i think back to his birth and how traumatic it was.

But also at the end of the day, i only did what i knew at the time and i am content with that, i don't question it, i just accept it. You sound like you really need to chat to someone in order to move forward with this trauma, it's not healthy.

I wish you all the best :hugs:

[Lissbee]

Hi, Ella - Melissa from Birthtalk Brisbane here.

I want to firstly acknowledge your courage for being so honest about "where you are " right now. It is such an important step towards healing. It took me a long time to be able to admit that I felt bad about my birth...and my dh said similar things to yours. (but now he so 'gets it' - took quite a while :) )

I have only got a minute to write before tending to my own babes, but I wanted to direct you to articles on our website that you may find helpful as you work towards pinpointing the areas you need to grieve and process.

One article is from a presentation we gave at a seminar we held called "Moving On After a Challenging Birth" - and yours certainly was extremely challenging. The full speech is at www.birthtalk.org/BirthTrauma.html

I have to go now - I wish I could write more, as I felt so similar to you a few years ago. Please, if it feels right, do check out our website, esp the article above, and the section "Healing a Bad Birth".

I found it helpful to write my birth story from the POV of "how I felt" at each stage, rather than just "what happened", and the true story of my birth emerged. I also received much support from a counsellor who understood that a traumatic birth is in the eye of the beholder (me).

And keep writing on this list - just getting it out and validated is a great start.

What strength you have to be able to emerge from such a challenging experience.
Take care,
Melissa
www.birthtalk.org

[stellarella]

Ladies, thankyou so much just for listening and understanding. Thanks for the taking the time to respond...some of you have even rivalled me in the novel writing stakes :p

I know I have a long way to go. I actually elaborated on this post in the private birth trauma section as some of the things I wanted to say might inadvertantly offend someone.

It felt great to get some of it off my chest.

I will be coming back to this thread to chew over the responses again.

:hugs: