Too young to understand.... need help!!

[Nina]

My ex finally moved out in july, and things were going fine until i started to spend time with a male friend, then all of a sudden things went stupid. My ex stressed us all out to the max.

It's worse now cos every time he has the kids, he questions my daughter who's 8 about what 'mum's been doing and with who'. I've told him so many times not to do that to her as she's too young to be involved in it all and it's too much stress on her as she's basically having to choose who's side to take and what to say to who.

I'm sure the whole things is affecting my 3yr old son too, but at least he can't be interigated like his poor sister.

I don't know what to do. I can't threaten him with anything either. He's also gone throught my things at home, i stupidly had a diary and he found and read it, just to know what i'm doing. he's just hurting himself and making my kids suffer too.

I don't know what i can do legally and how i can knock sense into him. He's already threatened to make me sell the house, which i don't want to do and if i did i'd have no where to go. He's now playing mind games with me, after a talk to him i'm left shaking. If i say i'm busy he straight away says i'm seeing someone, he calls me a **** and assumes i'm sleeping with every guy i see. He even tries to interigate my mum and brothers, wants to know what i'm doing, etc.

I'd love to change the locks on the house, but i'm afraid that will make him worse. The whole thing is stressing me so much i can barely function most times, which of course then isn't good for the kids to have to see me like this.

I don't have anywhere to leave the kids either, mum helps at times, but she's not best or reliable.

I want to help my kids and not be too affected by all of this, it's already hard, and i don't want it to be harder on them.

Ok, this is now turned into a long post, sorry.

[proudmummy]

I really feel for you....Ive never been in your situation and my son is still quite young but from your post it sounds like you ex doesn't really realise he is an EX and has no right to question anything in your life but the upbringing of the kids you share. I don't know if this will help, or if you already have, but maybe you need to tell him that his actions are unacceptable and how he's making you and the kids feel. If the situation really gets bad I know that there are plenty of shelters,gov depts who can help you. Just give them a chance.

[Nina]

It seems the more he knows he's affecting me the more he does. So i'm trying to make it look like he's words arent' really bugging me, but its so hard.

I have thought of seeing a counsellor, but not sure where and can't really afford it....

[Mamaduke]

I really feel for you and the situation you're in...regardless of the relationship you and your ex had, I would think that it still would be difficult and upsetting to see your ex with someone else, and in your ex's situation, when you're seeing someone, he may hurt and jealous that your children are seeing someone else too.
I don't know what your history is together but maybe if you met up with your ex (without the kids) and just explained (calmly) that you understand that he may be upset but that asking the kids questions just confuses and upsets them and that their time with their daddy should be fun and not full of questions.
Let him know that you realise that even though you two are not together anymore, you still share a bond because of your children and that if/when anyone else comes into your life, that they won't replace their daddy. Reassure him that you're not going to let just anyone into your life and that your main priority is the children. Ask him if the two of you can be adults about this and if he does have any serious questions about who you are seeing, then to direct the questions to you and not your daughter, who, let's be honest, doesn't want to upset mum or dad.
I really hope you get this resolved...what a terrible situation for your daughter to be in. All the best.

[Nina]

I tried to talk to him, i tried to explain that we're over. I've tried all sorts of things, in the end i'm now at the point i keep telling him i don't have any feelings for him, that i dont' want to be around him. I've told him to keep the kids out of it and instead make the time fun not full of stupid questions, and i've told him that my personal life is not his business.

From what i can figure, it seems he's started to see someone but it hasn't stopped him asking about me. I know it's hard for him since i ended it all, but it was a long time coming. It's stupid to keep hurting himself, he will drive past at night to see if there's another car here, that's just beyond stupid.

I've had so many people say they feel for him, etc.... how is it everyone sees how bad he is and not the problems i'm having?? I'm not saying anyone here said that, i'm just saying my friends all seem to be taking his side. Yet i'm the one who has to try to keep these kids normal while not letting me get insane too, on top of all the other crap i have going right now.

[mum24]

Hi nina, you need to be very, very strong in your approach with your ex. You teach people how you wish to be treated so by allowing your ex to seemingly manipulate - he knows the right buttons to push to get you upset - you now need to start standing up for yourself and be firm and strong even if you are shaking on the inside, don't let him see that. He's starting to stalk you, you need to take appropriate steps to make him stop. Unfortunately those steps do require you to be asking for outside help - either from legal aide or from a community that helps " abused " women. I'm not saying you're being abused, well, you are emotionally from this guy and that's bad enough. Be honest with your 8 year old because they do see and sense what's going on and she'll see he's being an idiot. Don't be nasty with your ex ( it's probably what he wants so he can cause further emotional harm ), just be very diplomatic with your approach with him. Yes, you and he are still the parents of two children but that's where the relationship ends and you need to keep making this completely obvious to him, like constant reinforcement. Anything you do with your life that has nothing to do with the children - school, kindy, their health issues, access visits - also has nothing to do with your ex and any " crack " remarks should be ignored even to the point where you refuse to speak with him unless it's to do with the children. He needs to " grow up " and get past this aspect of his life and move forward on his own path without trying to still drag you along with him.

I could go on but I'll stop. I've experienced a manipulative man ( ex-dh ) so understand where you're coming from. It is very hard and emotionally draining but you need to stay firm and correct with your own destiny and not get sucked into a world of emotional abuse.

[Ky]

Honey ...

A friend of mine has an ex very similar to this ... using emotions and interegation to undermine her authority with the kids (2 and4 yo's) and snooping constantly.

He has been emotionally and verbally abusing her in this way and she finally went to the police saying that they would probably tell her to build a bridge, but instead came away with their full support and an AVO against him! He is not allowed to step foot in their house which means that everything has to be done on neutral territory - he is also not allowed to ring her more than twice a week to talk to the kids and once to arrange visitation times and discuss the kids welfare. She has gone from an incredibly uptight and harrassed person to much more relaxed. It doesn't mean that she doesn't still have some trouble with him, but at least it has lessened to a great extent.

I know this is a pretty drastic measure, but I thought I would tell you anyway ... just in case:)

[Mamaduke]

I wasn't meaning to sound flippant or to take the side of your ex and feel sorry for him.
I just think that when it comes to ex's and children a 'tread lightly' approach is the way to go...some men when backed into a corner and threatened or intimidated can do very very stupid things, and I'm in no way saying yours will, but how many times have you seen/read in the news that a father has disappeared or worse while on an access visit with his kids. Alot of men have the 'act first, think later' attitude and for me personally, I would want to keep the person taking my children out very very calm.
I personally wouldn't talk to your 8 year old about this, my friend told me that was the worst part of growing up in a divorced family was hearing 'tales' about the other parent. Keep it simple for her and tell her that she doesn't have to answer/talk about anything that makes her uncomfortable.
I'm not saying to take him back but once upon a time you two did love each other and have two beautiful children to show for it...

[our little treasures]

Oh babe what sticky situation.. I wish I could give you good info but all i have is ignore him. He is trying to get the upper hand..:(

[Nina]

Thanks everyone.

Kyra, i did think of going to police. I have had many talks with ex and whenever i've even hinted that he's not to enter the house, he just says the house is still in both names as is the loan and therefore he can do whatever he wants to. This bugs me as i wonder if that's true.

I need to get to legal aid, etc, but i just feel so down about it all it seems i keep finding other things to do rather then sort all this out. As is, the divorce he was going to sign with me, but that's now dragged on i'll have to do it myself just to get it done.

I told my daughter to not answer his stupid questions, i told her what he's doing isn't fair and shouldn't happen. I don't ask her about him and he should do same. She has more knowledge then him, which is sad.

I have tried to be strong and it's hard, whenever i manage it, next time he comes and finds a way to weaken me. I also don't want this be get messy, as someone said, i do fear of what he'd do with the kids when he has them. He has really gone nutty and i worry heaps.

[Odessa]

Nina, if you take out an AVO against him, it is irrelevant that his name is on the title deed of your home. It can be (and usually is) stipulated in the order that he cannot come near your dwelling, regardless of ownership. Seriously, you should call or pay a visit to the local police station to discuss your options, if you've discussed the problem with him and he refuses to modify his behaviour, sometimes the only thing to do is to pursue legal action to ensure your peace and sanity.

It doesn't have to be "messy", even with an AVO. It will ensure he plays nicely. :) Don't put it off too long, it's your happiness and your children's happiness. Deal with it asap!

[lukaelmo]

I've had so many people say they feel for him, etc.... how is it everyone sees how bad he is and not the problems i'm having?? I'm not saying anyone here said that, i'm just saying my friends all seem to be taking his side. Yet i'm the one who has to try to keep these kids normal while not letting me get insane too, on top of all the other crap i have going right now.

I really feel for you in this situation. I had an ex who followed me around for a long time after we broke up (7 years together, but no kids), and it used to make me so sad. It brought up all the terrible feelings I had felt while we were breaking up, and he just wouldn't let it go. LIke you I tried to reason with him, but he just didn't want to hear it. In the end I had to tell him to get lost in a pretty strong way.

Much easier for me though, I didn't have to see him all the time because of kids.

I just wanted you to know that I felt for you.

[Nina]

Thanks everyone. I'll give him one more chance, if he keeps going as normal, then i'll do something about it.

My daughter said he didn't discuss much over the wkend so hopefully he's getting better.

Lukaelmo, thanks, it's good to know people can see my side of things. Very annoying when friends and family all feel for him and don't even think about what i'm going through, to them it's all about what i did to him....